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 Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2019 8:52 pm
"This whole organization is strange if you think about it long enough. It's probably how I got to where I am now in my mind. Thinking too deeply, considering too many "what ifs" that I would think could make any lieutenant confused and questioning. I just likely feel worse because of the whole Senshi thing. I think there could be ways to fix that net so those with doubts couldn't fall through, but they are simply nonsense right now, wanting too badly for those higher up to care." With his eyes closed, he couldn't see the pillow come down on him, and flinched at the sudden movement.
He had told Vivre that his life was for his taking, maybe it was what was decided. Yet there was no pressure here, just the slightly muffled sound of Vivre's words and that sweet poisonous scent that filled his lungs.
Were he to die here now, it wouldn't he so bad.
Death did not come, only admissions of confusion and of uncertainty. Words of suggestion, of concern, of a fleeting hope that they could still be there for one another.. and of the return of something freely given.
"Of all the things you've suggested to me so far this evening, I feel as if those were the ones I wanted to hear, and simply did not know it. While I cannot freely change who is my 'leader', I suppose I can try at least to keep up with you. Partners, if you will, different than what Nubi and I have, but perhaps more meaningful, if only because it is my choice to bond with you." What a strange thought, he figured, bonding with a half youma in a way that would he unique to him and him alone.
"I wouldn't dream of taking that name from you, Vivre... It's the only gift I could have given you at the time, and your acceptance of it means far more to me than I can readily explain... Please don't think of throwing it away so readily."
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Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2019 8:58 pm
It kept its eyes closed as it rested, one paw pressed against the pillow it now held to its chest.
"Alright. Then don't think of throwing away your life so readily. Deal?" It said, and rose one claw out - the pinkie though it was much longer and larger than what most people would consider a pinkie.
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Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2019 9:13 pm
"Hmm.. Let me consider that." As if truly contemplating the idea, Mali sat up, a stern and deeply considering expression on his face. All too soon it melted into a smile and he took the offered pinkie-claw with his own and laughed softly at how silly it looked.
"With a slight addendum that if it's for you or Nubi or Obie as an exception to where my life will go, I'll call that a deal. Though that does leaves the question still that you've avoided answering. Do you choose to keep what I've said to yourself, or tell you general?" No matter the answer, Mali did not care, it was just a curiosity that remained on his mind.
Just how strong was Vivre's need to be the 'model soldier'? And just how strongly was his desire to protect Mali from some dire fate?
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Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 4:49 am
It tugged the curled pinkies down once to seal the oral contract. Releasing, he set the claws back on the pillow.
"I think it would be jumping the gun if I make my report too soon especially since you seem to want to work towards something. Hard to stray away if you're stuck working with me."
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Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 5:34 am
With their hand released, Mali took a moment to sit up properly, stretching before shifting around to sit with his shoulder against Vivre's. Not once did he let his grip on the other's hand loosen, and he rested his head tiredly against that soft shoulder.
"Hehe... Hard to stray from your side? You make it sound as if you're my leash to the Negaverse. I don't mind though, since when it boils down to it, it's what I wanted." It was thrilling, in a way, the thought that there was someone other than his sister who was tied by obligation, that wanted to see him succeed. Who didn't simply see him as just another recruit here.
Or hell, maybe he did, but atleast Vivre was good at hiding it.
"Hmm... Maybe I should move into the barracks then, It'd make the idea of being closer to you more literal... And maybe being surrounded by other soldiers would make me want to do better. I doubt it, I hate being around people... But it is tempting to be that close to you."
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Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 6:22 am
"The barracks are for those without a home or unable to maintain a life. It's not a chiice. The Negaverse might want you to preform duties but they also want you to have a life. I have been told I will have to learn these skills for missions. It's better if you still keep a life outside of here to help when someone might need you on the other side of things. Make yourself a face for the public. I also don't think that they would allow you to take a room if you have a home to go to. If anything, they'd want you to shelter someone here to free up space, resources, and help introduce someone back into society." It said matter-of-factly.
"And I'm busy during the day. You'd hardly be able to spend time with me. I won't be going anywhere anyways. Come whenever you like. We can train here or go on patrols. Whatever you like." As long as he wasn't working or required by his superiors.
Inwardly it wanted to smirk at the idea that it was a leash. How often did it hate chains only to beg for them when it returned. Was it now its duty to tie the muzzle and chain on others?
"And what of Nubi and Obie? They still need you." It reminded him. It wasn't sure why Mali would leave everything just to be it's neighbor. "Why would you give up all that just to be next door? I'm not that entertaining."
It stared at the hand Mali was holding.
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Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 7:11 am
"Is that so...?" Well, that was disappointing. For a brief moment, Mali was a little excited about the prospect of moving into the barracks, but what Vivre was right. It would just be taking a resource away from the Negaverse.
"Maybe then... I should have Obie do some research into a device that can be set up locally in my own home that could smother the Negaverse signature. Something that intricate would probably be like setting up electricity wiring in the house... Then when you can Teleport, you can just come straight there to stay with us as long as you'd like... Of course, their would have to be approval for such a task... It may not even be possible, but if we're talking about goals, then I think I'd like that." He was grasping at the vaguest ideas for now, unrealistic in all aspects, something that would need lots of time, money, and resources.
He had time. And he had the money. Now with Obie... Maybe it would be possible.
"I'm busy during the day too, you know. School and what not, but I'll graduate soon enough... The girls still need me, I suppose but when that time comes that Nubi doesn't, I'd really think I'd enjoy being closer to you. And you enjoy being around kittens right? Obie Is closer to me than she is Nubi, so... She could be our little kitten to care for."
... That was a good question though... Why did he want to do all of this? What exactly did he find so entertaining about Vivre to want to spend so much time with him? To give up what he had to see him more each day.
He wasn't that foolish to not have an inkling of an idea... But it was far too soon to consider the thought. Not when it's something he hadn't thought about before in years. Nubi would know better, he'd ask her for confirmation.
"Because... In the most simplest of terms, seeing you makes me happy. Holding your hand brings me joy in a different way than what I am familiar with. It's a very pleasant feeling that I don't want to lose... And it's unique to you. Even getting punched in the face and taken to the floor doesn't diminish this feeling I have. So far.. You live up to your name, to me." That hand he held was slowly brought up to Mali's cheek, and in a moment boldness, he pressed his lips against it though the action was lost, seemingly more like a faceplant into the softness given how large it was. How he didn't take more damage from getting punched by something so large, he didn't know.
But this, this closeness... That, he adored.
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Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 9:27 am
How was it a comfort to anyone? It had ruined lives. Ruined its own. Ruined its own husband's and there was nothing but a trail of misery and poor choices, of guilt and anger, trailing tangled behind to it's tail like string and tin cans. They ringed with each step to remind it of what it had done.
And Mali knew none of that. That was why he could be so open in his sudden affection for him as he could tell it was something of the sort. He held to his hand like a child to a teddy bear, hoping all evils would rush back to their closets and it would be okay again. To think it held the hand of the very thing he should be afraid of.
"Cats can deminish energy signatures. They are used for big meetings just for that reason. You don't need wiring for that. They just can't do it indefinitely. They concentrate and use up energy. If there was a way to deminish energy signatures all the time, we'd have a large base on the surface."
"You are very silly, Mali, to be so affectionate to a half-youma. I'm made for stealing energy and killing. I have lost half of my humanity. I'm not so much a feral cat to be fed and tamed as I'm a somber wolf let out to eat. My ears may be cute, my fur soft, but these hands are not for holding newborns or cradling heads to sleep. You must be odd to find joy in me. I'd think you were wanting wanting more with the way you keep on."
It watched him brush his face into the back of his arm and his shoulders hitched when he felt his nose brush against the burn mark hidden in the recesses of fur. The key the traitor that he was still faintly light on his darkened skin.
"I take it your face doesn't hurt as much?" It asked.
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Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 10:40 am
"Is that so... But we wouldn't want them using up all their energy, right? So if a new way was developed instead, that would allow Obie to relax.... You're right though, it's likely already to have been attempted, and it wouldn't be reasonable for them to let me continue with the attempts based on personal desires." The thought was fleeting anyway, there wasn't any point on trying too hard when he couldn't be brought to care all that much about the Negaverse anyway.
To be called silly though, of all the things to be said, that was surprising, though he didn't move the hand from his face just yet.
"You say you lost half of your humanity, but half of it is still there, is it not? Wolf is still often times part of a pack, a family, and while I suppose you view all of the Negaverse as your family, I don't think it is wrong to want to be important to you in a different way. You have your pack, but a raven is still a useful companion to the wolf. It helps them hunt, find targets, and even play with them. We can be together as allies, as friends, even if our motivations and existences aren't exactly the same." Each step taken forward felt like it gave reason to have Vivre take more backwards.
But at this point, there wasn't much left to do except to keep pushing forward.
"Do you wish to give up that half of your humanity that's left? From what you've said before, it seems like you want to crush it. But I wouldn't want that for you. I'd want to cling to it, to know that at the end of the day, you are part human. Why would you want to become that sort of empty shell of a tool to only be used by people?" Not wanting to let the subject change too much, he only gave a quick reply, a small nod and used his free hand to carefully touch his nose.
"The ice helped alot, thank you."
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Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 11:29 am
"Could always ask a few cats what can be done. Maybe there is a way to out your magic into helping them last longer or energy orbs. The Mauvians would know what is doable or not." It said with a small wave of its hand. Science was out of its scope of things. "I know Tiberius is a cat that seems to know a lot. He is in charge of making me items I can use with my hands."
"I am half human, yes. I'm not exactly sure what is still there and what is gone. Maybe I won't know. I certainly know I can still become upset. I can still be startled and surprised. I can still feel fear. I know little of what else. It is hard to know how less human I am when I don't remember being human outside of uniform. It is all still new. I am still new."
"So you are a raven now. If you will fly as I cannot then you would be good for me. I can only see so far. My scope is limited.
It looked over at Mali and turned its head to let it's eyes wander about his face. "It might still bruise but it isn't as bad as before. You can tell Nubi what happened. I deserve to have her wrath too."
It leaned back again.." I do not want to be a full youma. I could have been one I suppose but being fully human is far more valuable to the Negaverse. I simply was in a situation where being this way was best to thrive. Was what I wanted."
It thought a moment. "Do you think I am half empty? Half a shell then? What did you think of the youma you saw in the Rift? Are they empty inside to you?" It asked.
"Being useful for a cause you are loyal to is not a burden. In fact it is a feeling of self-sacrifice and dedication. To be sure of your faith in another power. I do not feel what I am is bad. Everyone needs something to rely on at some point. I rely on Metallia and my superiors. Others can rely on me if need me. For whatever they need to keep them going. In any way I can offer."
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Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 12:26 pm
".. No." He answered after remaining quiet to gather his thoughts and looking down at the hand he still held.
"I do not thing you're half empty. It's not a matter of whether or not you're a youma, but how you speak of treating yourself. A tool, a servant, a dog. You're dehumanizing yourself, and you're letting them do it and push you further away from them. You and the youma there aren't the same, you DO have feelings left, and how can you know what else you feel if you don't explore it?" Mali's eyes shifted close, that nausea beginning to come back slowly. Talking didn't help either, but he wouldn't stop now.
Any pause too long between them might encourage the distance still there.
"You, I think, are blessed with many things. A goal you are working to achieve, power that is accepted and well loved, potential to be exactly what the Negaverse needs. Acceptance by not only your peers, but by the the youma as well. But you are also blessed with that humanity that is still there. Every facet of you can be useful and respected. Yet it seems like you're willing to discard one of them in favor of giving the others your all. I can't fault you for this, if it makes you stronger, then you should do what it takes to keep getting stronger, but..." That dull ache in his head began to return again, and he picked up the slowly melting ice to press it against his eyes and the bridge of his nose.
Vivre wouldn't understand any of this... Would he?
"I don't want to see that part of you disappear just because some General wants it. I know it's not my right to say. He's your general, she's your queen, but to crush out anything that makes you human still, would be too sad... I like how you are, what I know, and I want to know as much as I can, the good and the bad."
Mali wanted Vivre to be close to him. Not a friend he shared with Nubi, or a mere work acquaintance. The very thought of Nubi coming back around and being closer to him just because she had that will to do what it took to 'serve their queen' irked him to no end.
This time, he would be selfish.
"Beyond your gratefulness for this renewed life you speak of, why are you here? Do you care of their purpose, or of whatever goals they have to eradicate the senshi? Do you hate the senshi, would you hate me because of what I am? Do you hate the White Moon? Why? Why should I believe in any of their goals." With each word, he fed more secrets, more of his own doubts to Vivre, giving him more reason to report his words to those higher ups. Even he knew not to speak too loudly, as he leaned in and whispers softly to the other, cheek pressing now against the side of his soft hair.
"Could I make my purpose and dedication keeping that faucet of you that can still feel human and see the world that lies beyond the Negaverse's vague desires safe? I don't want to see that shattered, so let me be the one to protect it. You know so many of my secrets, ones that could destroy me, and you chose so far to protect them. Let me do that with yours. Even if feel the need to hide your humanity from everyone else to be that perfect soldier you so badly desire to be, I want you to want to be honest with me."
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Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 1:27 pm
"I might have feelings but they aren't that important if they get in the way of doing what is necessary. And how do you know the other youma don't feel as I do? You only just met them. I'm sure if you held them down and slit their throats they would cry out in fear and pain. If you caged them they would wither. There are others still that curl into an affectionate touch of a master. What feelings should I explore then?" It asked and reached up to grab the wrist of the hand holding it's other paw. Pulling Mali's hand away, it brought it over.
"Should I explore hunger? Bitterness? Rage? Selfishness and intolerance?" It asked, starting to squeeze the wrist slowly. "I feel these things for the senshi. The blight upon the Earth that claims to take this planet. To those who have lied and taken from me. To those who have killed in their name and felt just while the mudering upon our side is condemned as vicious and abnormally cruel. For what they have done against those close to me but long past gone." Its grip squeeze, calling to the muscles in its paws and then quickly released before any damage could be done aside from a possibly light bruising. It knew how fragile fingers and bones could be and a raven's wings were such delicate things.
"But you are not a senshi of Order. You are our kin. I am here to protect the values of our shared side. So long as you remain, you are one of my own. Our cores share the same beating pulse of Chaos. We are all leashed to the same pole."
"So to that - what should I feel?" It turned it's paw to cup the once prisoner between its claws gently. "Brotherhood? Loyalty?" It ran a pawpad of its thumb over his palm. "Trust?" It's eyes stared at Mali as it leaned against him now. "Undying affection?"
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Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 2:12 pm
"Youma are something I could never hope to fully understand. I can't have that bond with them, and one could never see me as something they don't want to lose. I'm a senshi, and that's my simple curse. I want to atleast make an effort..." It wasn't until his hand shifted and was pulled away that he opened his eyes again.
Then the pain came, shooting up his wrist with each word he spoke. He didn't dare speak, letting Vivre get his thoughts in.
This is what he wanted. Mali had asked for this, and craved this sort of strange honesty that was coming from Vivre that screamed he wasn't just some newbie who could understand the feelings Mali had. He spoke as if he were someone long tired and hurt by this war they were tied up in. And tired of this game of words they had been playing.
This Vivre was much like the one who hurt him while they were in the Hall of Shadows, and the one who growled and threatened him within the Rift. Dangerous, mysterious, a liar. Mali didn't know what the true lie was, but thought, even as he winced at the pain that suddenly lessened, he wanted to know more.
"I can't tell you how to feel. Your brotherhood is to the Negaverse, not me. Your Loyalty is to the Negaverse, Not me. Your Hunger, bitterness, rage, selfishness, intolerance, your trust and undying affection. None of that is broken away from the Negaverse, is it?" As Vivre drew closer, Mali remained, letting him manipulate his body the way he wanted. A faint redness began to show on his wrist which now throbbed with pain that did not show on his face.
"You cannot trust me. You have no reason to give me any of your loyalty or affection. I've given you no reason to want to. It is up to you to make that choice on how to see me. And as long as you keep that capacity to make choices, no matter what they are, no matter how I am affected by them, then that's all that matters. But how much of it is even your decision? Who even are you, Vivre? Vitriol?"
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Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 2:35 pm
It stared back, looking from one eye to the other and then dropped the hand.
"I'm whatever will be created and trained. Until that time, I'm a work in progress." It said, turning slightly to then lean its back against Mali's shoulder as it inspected its claws.
"You don't need a reason for anything you want to take, Mali. You understand that. My wants are secondary. If so one should ask for anything from me. Mind. Body. Core. All they need to do is to give an order. As long as chain of command is respected of course."
It reached up and bit at the end of one of it's claws, licking it a moment before letting them rest in it's lap with the pillow.
"You called me Vivre. You decide what I am. The bringer of joy and searcher of happiness."
"Other times I am Vitriol. Acid and spite. A destructive mess of a soldier."
"Maybe some day I will be someone else." It mused.
"Are you not the Negaverse? You want to separate yourself from it but if you were just in it, then you would have these feelings. My feelings of brotherhood and loyalty and selfishness. But you are selfish and don't want to be grouped with all of them. You want your own category. A place in me just for you. Doesn't everyone I meet have that? Something that ties them to the Negaverse but also separates them from it as their own?"
It sighed now, growing tired of this exhaustive talk. "My decision is to follow theirs. Isn't that a decision? I was already a disobedient child. Let me just be good."
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