Welcome to Gaia! ::

For a time that felt too long, Nembus couldn't hear her own thoughts, buried over by choked sobs and the vibrating, overwhelming feeling of just being sad.

There was nothing to say for it.

There was nothing she could process for it.

It came to her dull notice after a couple minutes that Sedna had wrapped her closer, that she was combing her hands with her fingers. It was soothing, at least, soothing in a way that the emotions rocking through her were not.

Looking desperately for something to do with her other hand, eventually, Nembus settled on awkwardly wrapping her arm around Sedna. Was it a gesture of affection? Of thanks? Was she just trying to keep her closer?

Who knew.

Nembus usually cried alone, anyway.

It was a few minutes more before the waves of tears passed, and Nembus could feel her thoughts filtering back, one by one, the first a prompting that perhaps Nembus really was alone now. Sedna was over there. The proof was in the bodice in front of her, the aura that felt like blinding burning in front of her, the lack of so much hair... They couldn't talk their civilian lives, for certain. That connection was gone. They didn't have that commonality.

But Sedna was over there, now. If Nembus ever decided to jump into the further unknown, the even deeper unknown from where she was now, she was at least not jumping without a map.

Someone else had done it.

"I'm sorry," murmured Nembus, thickly, pulling her face out of Sedna's bosom finally.

... She hadn't actually taken that close of a look at--

"I," she sighed once again, and bit back the sobs that were working their way out of her throat again, "I appreciate it. I'm glad you're there. Even like," and she couldn't get it out, opting to rapidly gesture at their outfits.

Was there nothing to apologize for? Really? There were tear tracks on Sedna's bosom--

Why was she looking at the axe? Nembus trusted that Sedna wasn't about to pick it up and use it on her--probably the only super thus far she could trust not to be attack happy--but was there something she was looking for? Something she was planning? Did she feel another aura in the vicinity? All Nembus felt was the nearby aura of one of those small youma, maybe.

Or she could have been deluding--

She figured relief upon purification made some sense. Sedna had completed her goal. She had accomplished what she had set out to do. The real reason for the relief, though, gradually had still puffy red eyes widening. Chaos was influencing her? She figured to some level it made sense. Of course it was. Chaos was what rewarded the gifts she held. She could teleport. She could drain energy. She could starseed. Even this promotion was a gift of Chaos. Nembus could tell by how painful it had been.

It was strange she thought of the pain as a gift, admittedly.

Quietly, Nembus ventured, "So they wipe your memories and then brainwash you."

Had Marcasite been brainwashed too? Was her team? Or were they not because their situations had been more willing? Or were they, and they thought everything continued to be willing? Was it willing still if things were influencing them?

Awkwardly, Nembus lifted her free hand and wrapped it around her shoulder.

"I steal things." It was a strange admission. "From stores, usually. Clothing I like. Money occasionally. Sometimes food. I don't know why. I have a job. It's compulsive really. I want their things. But sometimes from people too. I just drain them. I take their things. It feels fine. Sometimes I question myself. Sometimes I can't make myself drain. But then I do."

She squeezed her own shoulder at that.

She had a job. She was working on a degree. Argent Industries would arguably furnish her with everything she ever wanted and perhaps everything she ever needed.

And yet--

It was comforting in a way that Sedna had done the same thing. She knew some of the others had even encouraged her in it. Rigel seemed to think that it was fine when she had run into him in the midst of the action. But Sedna seemed to realize it for what it was. It was still bad. It was still, perhaps, an influence of the Chaos that was in her mind. But what if she just was that way, too? What if it was just an obvious manifestation of Nembus' jealousy? What if the Negaverse was where she belonged?

Sedna's justification for pulling starseeds was interesting, and Nembus smiled thinly. It was an excuse she could see herself making. She had avoided pulling starseeds, thus far.

But she knew that time would come.

Nembus was distracted by the thought by Sedna taking her other hand, and Nembus looked up to her, her attention fully pulled. It was a good question.

Could she be happy?

"I don't know. I hope so. My mind tells me that once I know enough, once I do enough, once I make enough connections, friends," and the way she said friends was desperate and choked, and she looked into Sedna's eyes for a moment before looking away. Friends. Friends like Marcasite, right? Friends like those of her team, right? Friends like Vitriol, perhaps, or friends like Amazone, or friends like Rigel, or any of them, "I'll be happy. Things will make sense to me. It'll settle out, and I'll be fine, and maybe I can stop thinking about what happened in the past. Maybe I can leave it behind."

Nembus' shoulders slumped again, but she at least let Sedna occupy her hands before she somehow made them bleed.

"But I don't know if that's possible."

Was the Chaos telling her that?

She didn't know.

She couldn't know.

Perhaps that was the problem.

More promises? Nembus opened her mouth to tease Sedna, just for a moment, but she held back when the request was made, and her mouth fell closed once again. The urge to just relent in her questioning was strong. Her life did not sit comfortably with her, but she also didn't know any different. It was okay if there was a general malaise that hung over her head on the daily. And besides, there was a part of her mind that asked: was it worth asking all these questions? Was it worth being so bothered? She had everything she ever needed, right? She had power. She had gifts. She had a team, connections. She would have a degree. She was learning who to be. She had an identity.

And eventually that would be enough, she knew.

But did she?

Nembus had trouble holding Sedna's gaze, but she knew Sedna wouldn't let her break the gaze even if she tried. She swallowed, hard, and a tear rolled down her cheek once again. She sniffled.

"I'll try."

And Sedna would know the meaning of that, too.

Was it the most anyone could ask?

She always thought people expected more of her. Needed more of her. How else would she ever strive hard enough to reach the top? She needed to become eternal. To do that, she needed to withdraw more energy, perform better for the sake of Chaos--

What was she thinking--

Nembus' face fell further, if possible, at the idea of having to take up arms, as it were, against Sedna. To have to fight her. To have to fight the only person that might have ever fully understood what she struggled with. To have to defeat her. To have to destroy her. To have to take her starseed, even--

The thought of that drained some color from her face, but she didn't speak those words aloud.

"I appreciate that," replied Nembus, her voice still shaky. She sniffled once more. She tried to disguise it under the continuing sadness that had taken her earlier and had threatened to take her under once again. Could she do that? Could she really fight against Sedna? Could she stand strong for Chaos, or would she fall to her knees and simply let them kill her instead? Perhaps she deserved it. She was an eight-month-old masquerading as a nearly twenty-one-year-old, anyway.

(Ha, did she even have anyone to take her for her first drink? What if she was too honest when drunk?)

"We should keep talking, like this," offered Nembus, quietly, trying to shift her thoughts before they spiraled once again. "Do you often patrol here?"

Nembus let out a heavy breath when Sedna assured her, though her face fell once more when she said her patrol pattern shifted. Oh. That would mean it would really be hard to set up a spot, wouldn't it...

Unless they wanted to arrange something in particular.

"Yeah," Nembus confirmed, squeezing Sedna's hands. "I'd like that. It sounds like a good arrangement, I think. Doesn't leave these meetings up to chance. I don't really want to have to follow these nasty youma around everywhere and hope it draws you in..."

At that, she chuckled softly.

"Maybe I'll have some better news, next time."