|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2018 5:15 pm
Was it possible for a bed to be too comfortable? Not that it was comfortable to the point of being awkward, just... it was weird for him, but not bad weird, and saying that probably just made it sound even ******** weirder. There was space. There was light. Everything smelled clean; not like he and Rhys didn't clean their old place or anything, because they did, obviously. There were just some smells and stains that never lifted. Here? He imagined this was probably what a hotel was like. Except it wasn't a hotel, it was home. Even if Hitch still didn't feel like he belonged there, he was happy to be there. Happier still he could do this for Rhys. Rhys really did deserve better. Face still flushed from taking ownership of their new home, but a lazy grin on his face, eyes half shut and sleepy, he idly reached out with one arm to see if his fingers would hang over the edge. Not quite. What a big ******** bed, even for the two of them... Rhys never did take up a whole lot of space, though. He was cute about ********> he loved him. His other arm, already wrapped warmly around his lover, tugged Rhys closer as he mumbled a sleepy, "Hmm? Anythin' babe, s'up?"
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2018 6:38 pm
The bedroom was decent sized and almost octagonal in shape; well large enough for the massive bed and then some, which was a new thing in and of itself. The mattress at their old place had been in what was both the living room and the bedroom, and so having a set place just for them to be in to sleep was strangely unfamiliar.
Unfamiliar, but wonderful. Eventually they would set up the rest of their furniture, but for now, Rhys was very content to simply lie there with his husband, curled up in their bed together, sated and happy and warm and snuggly under the feathery comforter.
Rhys ducked his head, trying to figure out how to word this, his cheeks reddening. He wasn't sure why he was picking this moment of all moments to discuss this, especially not after the very enthusiastic breaking in of all their new furniture and rooms, but...there was really no better time like the present. And the conversation was one that needed to be discussed as it was.
He brushed a feather light kiss to Hitch's chest and then lifted his head just a little, arms folded over Hitch's chest, his head tilted against them so that he could see his husband's face.
"Do you..." he started, and then swallowed, the flush on his cheeks deepening. "Are you...happy here with just...just the two of us?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2018 11:25 am
Rhys looked so gorgeous when he did that; Hitch immediately felt endeared, sliding his hand down to his husband's hip with one of those soft smiles reserved exclusively for him. Hitch didn't look surprised to hear the question at all; it was like he'd more or less seen it coming, sooner or later. "Aw, babe... " He craned his neck to kiss the tip of his nose. "********, 'course I'm happy with you. You're my damn husband, ******** the rest of 'em." Then he let his head drop again with a content sigh. "I love you." Leave it to Logan Hitchcock to completely misinterpret the question.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2018 5:39 pm
He snuggled closer instinctively, momentarily distracted by both Hitch's touch and the affectionate kiss, but then tried to drag himself back to the question at hand. It was important, but it was, admittedly, equally as important as physical contact was to the both of them.
"Well, I'm glad," said Rhys, blushing. "I love you too. But I, um..."
The blush deepened. Rhys cleared his throat, trying to work past the sudden obstruction in his throat, wondering if this would be a bad conversation, or if Hitch would get upset or maybe frustrated with him. Maybe this was a touchy subject and he didn't even know it.
It was still hard sometimes to push past the anxiety, in spite of how secure Rhys was in their mutual love and need for one another. He cleared his throat again, tracing absent patterns across Hitch's bare chest with the tips of his fingers, watching his husband.
"I m-meant...you know..." Rhys' voice dropped a little, teeth worrying at his lower lip. "Did you ever...like, have you ever considered...adding any to - to our family...? Did...did you w-want, I m-mean - "
The stupid stutter was back which meant that he was flustered, and he hated it, because it rarely came out around Hitch anymore, and yet every once in a while, there were moments where he couldn't control it, words slipping over each other as he fumbled through them.
"L-like...k-kids or - or s-something, I m-mean."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2018 4:24 am
It was probably amazingly stupid that he still managed to get a thrill of fear when hearing a 'but' follow an 'I love you'. He tried not to look it, but immediately, he fidgeted a little, some nerves coming into play although he really should have known better. But? But what? We just got a house; there's no ********' way he just now realized he ******** up, right?Rhys was all nervous too, and typically it would have been really cute. Hitch still wanted to make him feel better, and attempts were made - rubbing at his shoulder, stroking his side - but even if he tried to watch his husband patiently for the words to come, just a trace of his unspoken panic managed to seep through those rich brown irises. Then the words finally came, and they weren't what he expected them to be at all; Hitch wasn't sure if he was really relieved or not. "K-kids?" he got out, his eyes a little wide. "You - you want kids?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2018 5:49 am
In retrospect, he had probably started this conversation off wrong. Rhys was just as flustered and afraid every time he heard a but follow something like I love you too, because he was too used to it ending in something like but you're acting stupid or but you're being a baby or something to that effect.
But he had never been good for words and it came out in a stumbling tumble anyway, even with all of Hitch's little gentle movements and strokes of reassurance, his hand a warm weight against Rhys' side and his bare skin. Rhys felt his stomach drop away from him.
"N-no," he blurted out, and then, hastily, "I - I m-mean, if y-you did - I haven't - I haven't r-really thought about - about it, well, I m-mean I have recently, b-because of the h-house and all, but, um, I didn't - I didn't know if - if you wanted k-k-kids or anything, I - "
His face was scarlet. Rhys pushed himself into a sitting position, legs bent beneath him, resting atop of Hitch's thighs. He hated that stupid stammer more than ever, and the fact that it was now making a reappearance, here with Hitch of all people, was making him frustrated.
"I just - w-wanted to, you know, um - t-talk about it with - with you. See what it w-was that you wanted."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2018 3:23 pm
It was a lot of words, and for each little stumble that Rhys took, Hitch felt like his heart was pounding a little harder. “No, “ was his first abrupt response, a little strange and a little panicked for reasons he didn’t even know. He sat up sharply, too, then seemed to regret it, setting a worried hand on his husband’s leg, fingers sprawled over his thigh atop Hitch’s own still. He hadn’t actually really moved it, but he was worried he might have jostled it or something. “Sorry, I - ********, I - “ His cheeks were burning a bit. “I mean. I dunno? I ain’t - I didn’t - I never thought ‘bout it, but - “ Hitch’s brow furrowed; he didn’t want to hurt his husband’s feelings. But he also, “I don’t know jack s**t ‘bout what a dad does.” That was just a fact. “An’ my mom, y’know...” His face burned hotter. They’d talked about it. And even if Hitch’s love for and devotion to his mother was undying, he was begrudgingly admitting bit by bit that things had been far from perfect. She loved him, but she’d hurt him - in ways seen and not. He bit the inside of his cheek, wanting to watch Rhys’ face to gauge his honest reactions, but also scared to look. Hitch didn’t want to upset him any more than he already was. “I don’t wanna do that to a kid. An’ we just got our heads above water, got this house, an’... “ Hitch knew he’d held his mother back, and she tried so ******** hard not to resent him for it - but they both knew, didn’t they?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2018 1:13 pm
He opened his mouth and then shut it again, then opened it again in a slight wince as Hitch shot upwards, nearly toppling him over. Rhys' leg gave a small twinge, but Hitch's hand came to rest on it solidly and warmly, a clear gesture of concern in spite of the fact that Hitch was now looking like he'd swallowed a jar of bumblebees.
Rhys' fingers toyed with the edge of a blanket, since neither one of them was wearing any clothes to speak of and he needed something to do with his hands. His eyes had momentarily dropped downwards, anxious and embarrassed at his stupid stutter, but they slowly moved up again, meeting Hitch's with a sort of nervous uncertainty, his teeth set in his lower lip.
"No," he said quickly, then flushed, and shook his head, eyes squeezed shut, tousled hair whipping at his cheeks before he opened his eyes again. "No, I...I understand. I g-get it. I wasn't - I wasn't trying to - to p-pressure you or...or anything. I know how things...how things w-were with, um, your mom and all."
And he did. Hitch's relationship with his mother had been complex at best; there were layers that even Rhys didn't fully understand, but many of them had been negative, and many of them had beaten into his husband's mind that he wasn't supposed to be the man he was, for which Rhys had always been frustrated over. He knew that this sort of thing wasn't easy, which was why he had wanted to ask about it in the first place.
Rhys lifted hands, idly smoothing fingers up and down Hitch's bare chest, an anxious and unconscious movement he didn't seem aware of doing. "The - the house is amazing, it's wonderful, I love it. I j-just wanted...t-to ask, in case...in case I wasn't, um...listening or something."
Rhys bit his lip again. "I w-wanted to make sure that you were...h-happy. That there wasn't anything you w-wanted that I h-hadn't known or - or n-noticed before."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2018 2:04 pm
Hitch hated seeing Rhys so nervous; well, okay, hated it was a strong word. He'd always been really endeared by his husband's stutter and he'd always loved getting Rhys all flustered and worked up. But he didn't like the idea of upsetting him in a serious way; who would like to do that to their partner? All this s**t said, though, even if Rhy was trying to play it up like he'd just been asking, "Do you want kids?" He didn't mean to sound blunt or anything, and he was worried that he had; ironically, worried was the thing his voice rang the most strongly of. For his part, yeah. Hitch was happy. If he couldn't imagine life being this good, of course he was ******** happy. Why would it cross Rhys' mind that he wasn't happy with this? He's not happy with this. He's not happy and that's why he's asking, and then you made him feel like an a*****e for asking. Way to go, dipshit.He tried to calm himself down and focus on the sensation of Rhys' hands on him. It's Rhys. He gets like this. He gets insecure - calm your tits, a**.Except how was he supposed to calm down when Rhys was the one to bring it up out of nowhere, when Rhys was acting so nervous about it, when he was ******** letting Rhys down because secretly all along he'd been hoping for a big family and here was Hitch just like <******** you and your dreams, take my issues an' choke on 'em babe'. Why hadn't he smoked that cigarette yet? ******** he could use it right now.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2018 2:42 pm
The tension in the room had suddenly multiplied tenfold. Rhys could feel the panic beginning to set in, could feel the growing sense of desperation starting to pick away at his emotions, sinking claws into his rationality to try and shake them apart.
Do you want kids?
It was a blunt question, but it was the same question that Rhys had just asked Hitch. He stared at him, his heart beating practically out of his chest, watching Hitch's own breathing grow a little uneven, watching the way his body seemed to tense just from this simple - and yet not simple at all - question.
Rhys sucked in a breath, and it hurt his chest. He was still smoothing fingers over Hitch's skin, still absently stroking his stomach, but it was partially to reassure himself as much as it was to reassure Hitch, even if he still didn't realize that he was doing it. He needed the contact, the reminder that his husband was still here and not running away yet because of Rhys' stupidity.
His bad leg was starting to throb from kneeling on it. Rhys shifted a little, wincing, and tried to stretch it out in front of him instead, though this was a slightly awkward position. He bit his lip, moving his hands to hold onto Hitch's shoulders, thumbs sliding against warm skin.
Did he want kids? He knew the answer to this already, known it when he'd asked, because he had been afraid Hitch's answer wouldn't match his. Had been afraid that this was what was going to push them apart, because their desires and their needs no longer ran in tandem.
The first year of marriage felt like a blissful dream, and now that it was over, the old fear was settling in and Rhys wanted to fight it back, to remind himself - and Hitch - that they were both here to stay, and that nothing was going to break them apart, not even this.
"No," he said quietly, and then took a small breath, his heart thudding against his chest. "I...I don't think I'd be a good father. I, um...I t-thought about it...for a little while. I w-wondered if m-maybe I would...you know, be able to...to do it, but..."
He bit his lip again, Rhys exhaling, eyes meeting Hitch's anxiously, but there wasn't any hesitation in his voice.
"I love you," he said, and his voice was small. "Is it...s-selfish not to want to...to just w-want to stay like this? I m-mean...besides a dog or...or something, but...I'm not good with kids. I never have been. I don't think I could...do it well."
And there it was, the truth laid out. Rhys wondered if he was stepping into something that was going to snap at him, like a bear trap.
"B-but if you w-wanted kids," he added quickly, a note of desperation in his tone, "I...I'd f-figure something out."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2018 9:08 am
Hitch was silent throughout the whole explanation, and it wasn't some deliberate d**k move on his part, but his expression was unreadable. Really, it was because he was tense, anxious, worried about the whole ******** thing. Here came the catch. Except it didn't. In the end, everything said and in the air - maybe not the best damn reaction in the world, but Hitch just laughed. Not a cruel laugh, whether Rhys could tell or not, but it was just kind of a punctuated release of air that came with relief. He fell back hard against the pillows, still chuckling, looking up at his husband as he tried to still himself. "Nah. ******** it. It ain't selfish at all. It's... " He rubbed his hand over his face and took a deep breath. "Mom wanted me to have kids. That's somethin' she was super hung up on. Get married, have a ******** ton of kids. It's what she wanted for me, an' she wanted it so long an' so hard, I thought I was bein' a selfish p***k for not wantin' it." With a shrug that felt like he was shrugging some imperceptible off of him, Hitch kind of snickered. "I mean though. I'm already a damn gay with my damn gay husband, an' y'know what? Maybe I'm a bad son, but when I stop feelin' like s**t 'bout the first thing, the rest... I don't know. I'm happy now." Or as happy as someone like him could ever be, he assumed. "An' I just want you. If I wanna get involved with a kid, let ********' Fritz pop one out an' we can just be the cool a** uncles that pump 'em full of sugar an' teach 'em bad words." Even with all that said, he glanced at Rhys in a way that was both reassuring and a little timid, because hey, that was a lot to put out there. "Y'know?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2018 5:29 pm
He felt sort of like he was standing at the edge of a cliff and was about to tumble over into it without any sort of parachute. Rhys was staring at Hitch with an anxious expression on his face, teeth still sunk into his lower lip with an effort to keep from saying anything that might turn things in a bad direction.
Except Hitch was laughing and now this was confusing. Rhys' brows drew together, leaning forward as Hitch fell back, though he stayed sitting upright, bad leg awkwardly extended outwards while the other was still bent beneath him. He was probably crushing Hitch's thighs a little, but he didn't feel like moving at the present moment.
His face softened at the mention of Hitch's mother. Rhys' hands had come to rest on Hitch's stomach as he listened, because the strained, hidden relationship full of shame and self loathing and frustration and pain that had stemmed from his mother had always been a wary subject to approach. Rhys had had good parents, but ones he had never been close to, ones who he had liked but who he hadn't known how to talk to. Hitch, on the other hand, had only had his mother; a mother who he had loved, but who had taught him to be ashamed of who he - and what - he was.
It was, in some way, the first time that Hitch had outright said the word gay, which was, in Rhys' mind, a little bit of progress towards accepting that he was allowed to be himself. His fingers stroked gently and absently over the bare skin of Hitch's stomach.
"Well," said Rhys, after a moment of silence had passed. "I'm....also a bloody gay with a bloody gay husband, so we can be that t-together."
His cheeks were a little red, but Rhys' expression was serious. Something in him was unwinding a little. "I just want you, Logan," he said softly. "I want the life we almost didn't get to have. Just the...just the two of us. You and me. I don't think I'd be a good father, but maybe I can be a good uncle if Fritz has kids."
He drew a small breath. "I'm happy. We haven't gotten to be happy together for a long time. It's....it's not wrong to want that. And I think...I think it would be...u-unfair. If we tried to make ourselves..." He didn't want to say normal because that wasn't quite the right word. Rhys exhaled a hoarse breath.
"If we tried to fit ourselves into...b-boxes. I think it would be unfair to any k-kid we tried to raise."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2018 12:21 pm
Hitch might've been purring; he was really appreciating the way Rhys was touching his stomach, his eyes half-lidded in a pleased, almost sleepy way. Not that he'd actually sleep, although who knew; maybe the change in atmosphere and beds would help with the insomnia? He wasn't really holding his breath on it, but it was a nice thought. He grinned. "Bloody damn straight, " totally not the way to use that, but whatever. "I'm just... it's ********' exhaustin' tryin' to be anythin' else, like tryin' to shift the goddamn tide or somethin'. An' I also just..." With a burrowed brow, Hitch shifted just a little, rubbing at Rhy's bad leg; if it was crushing him at all, he didn't seem to let on or particularly care. He was trying to find the right way to say it. "It was different for Mom. She was tryin' to be selfless, an' if she wasn't, I wouldn't be here now." That was just a fact. Even if some things she'd done had been... "But for me, I dunno. I think it'd be more selfish to have a kid I couldn't give the ********' world to. An' I don't even just mean money, I mean..." He scratched at the bridge of his nose. He looked kind of embarrassed, which was weird, glancing away and then back again, laughing it off. "Nevermind, just. Yeah. I think it's more selfish to do it than to not, y'know?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2018 8:54 am
He hadn't quite noticed his own actions, fingers still moving idly over bare skin, as much an attempt at soothing himself than soothing Hitch. Rhys felt a small smile tugging at his lips at bloody damn straight in spite of the seriousness of the conversation, his cheeks warming.
But the smile subdued a moment later, Rhys said quietly, "And I wouldn't want you to be anyone - anyone else. I don't want you to try and...and force that."
The way he had for years. The way he had for so long that it had taken them both through a myriad of struggles and pain and heartache before they had come to accept themselves as who they are. Hitch had lived most of his life trying to pretend he wasn't what he was; and to live openly and freely as that was an exhausting and liberating and frustrating step in and of itself. He didn't have the time or the energy to focus on pretending anymore.
His husband's hand on his leg felt warm and familiar, helping to soothe some of the dull ache that had started. The old scarring was still hard to look at, but over the years, it had become easier to allow the touching, and only Hitch would be the one doing it anyway.
"It's like those people who have kids but don't really want them, society just pressured them," Rhys said, biting his lips. "Then everyone is resentful and unhappy and the kids grow up feeling unwanted, and you can tell. You can always tell when parents never wanted to be parents. It's not fair to the children."
He reached out a hand, gently smoothing fingers over Hitch's temple, over his cheek, the backs of his knuckles grazing warm skin.
"I get it," he said softly. "I do. It's not selfish."
He was trying to remind himself as much as Hitch.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jul 16, 2018 3:08 pm
I mean I think there's somethin' wrong with me. The words unspoken rang in Hitch's mind. He was glad he didn't say them, though. It was probably nothing. Things were fine right now. He'd been working, they'd made this much money, they had a home, they had worked through this one possible hiccup, everything was just looking so great and he was happy, he was.But there were still nightmares, and punctuated by insomnia best settled by the bottles in the cabinets. He still felt echoes of the self that had been so lost and deep in the creeping darkness when Rhys had been taken from him, and the fact was that had been who he was for years: it was just a drowning man offered a hand, only to be dropped back beneath the waves. The hand had been taken again. His head was above the surface. It was even enough to say he was on the raft. Still didn't ******** move the ocean. Hitch was aware. He'd thought more than once about voicing it. But he felt stupid for it, and with something so hard to put into words, he was sure it'd just end up hurting Rhys. It was nothing his husband had done wrong. There was just... something. But I'm dealin' with it.He really loved it when Rhys touched him like that, shutting his eyes and humming at his touch. "Nnn. Yeah. It's not. Dog though. I'd be down for a dog. Or a fish. Or a really loud bird I can teach ******** s**t to say." His grin was toothy. Yeah; everything would be fine.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
