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Sajahka had thought, at least at first, that it was mostly him.

Leukos was carrying forward with their lesson, and to whatever degree he could feel the man’s interest pressing against him, that was just the unavoidable result of friction and would be ignored and pass by unmentioned. It was just him dealing with the direct consequence of imagining more to it. And he supposed he could deal with that and attempt to work some balance between it and actual focus on the goals at hand.

But, at some point, the exact moment therein being indistinguishable, it became clear that it was not just him.

He could pass off a certain amount of things on the practicalities of their positions and contact, but there was a limit to what even he was willing to call ‘accident’ and a line which, after crossed, left no room in his mind for doubt that Leukos’ movements were very much something else beyond just a mounting lesson—in the sense they had set out for, at least.

It wasn’t as though he wasn’t familiar with the distinction either, with the way it felt to have Leukos at his back, grinding against him in far more intimate ways, and thus, when he began to, and they both managed to work their rhythm to the mount, it felt all too easy. Too easy to just let it happen. Too easy to let his body move with Leu’s despite the cloth barrier, to forget for a few pounding instants that this was not something they were ‘supposed’ to be doing, to forget everything else and live in the moment comprised of only this: Leukos’ hold on him, Leukos’ panting breath against him, Leukos’ hips moving in time with his and dragging up, down, to the beat of the mount. Sajahka’s pulse felt wild under his skin, his mind muddied enough by the rush that came with the instant that he didn’t bother moving beyond to second-guess.

He could feel Leukos pressing harder, his motions building with a kind of messy urgency, and Sajah’s breath was hot as it skirted from his lips. ‘Yes, come on, baby…’

Leukos groaned. There was no mistaking it.

And then, as quickly as it all began, everything came to a very literal grinding halt.

Sajahka grunted, wincing in startlement as he scrambled to avoid simply falling off entirely as the janarim’s swift momentum stilled, and—Sajah couldn’t have said how long it was that they were just there for a moment, sitting in abrupt silence catching breath, and he had only just gotten the chance to wonder if Leukos had-? Before he confirmed that, no, that didn’t seem to be the case as the other man scrambled stiffly off the beast. The ‘problem’ was still there.

Sajahka shifted his hips awkwardly in the saddle, frowning as reality returned to him with a crashing swell of unpleasant reminders.

They weren’t doing this.

There was a reason they weren’t doing this, and however little Sajah cared about the actual boy that was Leukos’ distraction, he did care about the meaningful walls he’d carefully constructed to keep him from wanting things he couldn’t have. Leukos surely hadn’t intended for their ‘ride’ to go as it had, and Sajah knew he shouldn’t blame him for it.

But goddess if it wasn’t frustrating. And, though it couldn’t be a good idea, left in the state he was, he wanted to press for details. Should they talk? Was there anything to discuss? Leukos would probably prefer they not. It just—all left Sajah exactly where he sat: flustered, frustrated, confused, unsatisfied. Wanting in spite of himself. Finally, as the lesson did seem to be over for the moment, he forced his limbs into action, reluctantly shifting a leg and dismounting with a grunt. Then, face still flushed enough that he could feel the heat in his ears, he turned his gaze to Leu.

«Should I…lead him back to his pen…?»

Sajahka had many things on his mind, most forefront initially being that he needed to get a hold of himself and not compromise the single most important relationship in his life currently thanks to-

What? He couldn’t even blame his c—k entirely, but that thought only lead down paths he wasn’t ready to stray under the circumstances, so he pushed it all away.

More critically, what he hadn’t considered about the situation — until the very live, very real, very predatorial janarim in their immediate presence made himself a player with his snorting — was that now was not actually the time to distract Leukos, if the beast was even half as peeved or startled as either of them were. For the first time, there was a stutter of something resembling fear in his chest, his eyes locking on the beast and momentarily forgetting the rest of the situation.

But—Leukos seemed to have that handled. And, while Sarnax was evidently not pleased with their various goings on, neither did they seem to be in any danger of an immediate lash out. Still. He held himself still, watching as Leukos maneuvered back control, and — Meet me there… — maybe Sajah didn’t particularly like Leu’s tone, nor did he understand why he had to accompany—unless Leu did want to talk after all. But, as with everything else thus far, he could manage.

Sarnax growled, and the hairs on Sajahka’s skin prickled to attention.

GO, we can talk later…

He did not appreciate being shouted at. But, under the circumstances, his feet moved without but the faintest moment’s hesitation, and he was on his way, moving in front and opening the gate for Leu on his way in before moving off to the side himself and leaving way for the man to follow. His mind was still abuzz as he left time for them to make their way to the enclosure, but at least it all left a few moments for thought—and everything would be fine. He needed only to calm himself and think rationally. Leukos wasn’t trying to rile him, no matter how much things had begun to feel deliberate as they had gone along, it was all just—heat of the moment, and he could stand to be satisfied Leukos was still attracted to him at all.

It still didn’t feel much better. But he would cope. Besides, Leukos had said they would talk — he wasn’t sure about what, though there was plenty on the mind — and with the space to themselves here and everyone else for the most part gone for the day already, there was enough privacy that if Leu felt inclined, they could manage it right now.

He aimed not to hold his breath just the same.

Sajahka watched with idle interest when Leukos brought the beast in, and was passively relieved to note that Sarnax did seem to have calmed. Still, when the janarim was successfully stripped of his encumbrances and left securely in his stall, it left only the two of them—and he wasn’t sure yet what he wanted to hear from Leu.

I’m sorry that happened…

Somehow, however unfairly, that felt like a disappointment. He was tired of apologies. He wasn’t sorry—or he wouldn’t have been, if circumstances were any different. But they weren’t, so he had to take things as they were. He rolled his shoulders, drawing a breath, looking away, and resting his back idly against the outer frame of the enclosure as he tried to decide what, if anything, he had to say to that. At length, he released a stiff exhale.

«It…is what it is. I did nothing to dissuade you…and I have never been offended by your interest. It just…» Makes me want you… He scuffed a boot along dirt flooring. «It would be less frustrating if I did not know already that you do not want me that way and that you have other things to keep you occupied. And I do not understand why-» …you would let it go so far, again, even without alcohol, when you have made it clear you don’t ‘really want’ that? This, though, sounded suspiciously like whining. And Sajahka hated whining. The run around was the greatest source of his upset perhaps—but he simply didn’t feel like dwelling on it.

It was what it was.

So instead, he shook his head.

«It doesn’t matter. I accept your apology. I trust you are not intentionally aiming to lead me on or upset me. No one was hurt…» His gaze flit to trail up Leu, to his face, before looking away, back to the pen. «And you handled the beast impressively, after he was cross…we both likely owe him more apologies than either of us are entitled to. I…» He hesitated. «I hope that I can continue to learn and he will tolerate me on his back again…and that you will not object to continuing to monitor my progress. Just perhaps…not from quite so intimate of a perspective in the future…»

There are moments where you are the only thought on my mind…

Sajahka blinked, listening with tentative curiosity and working — hard, especially as Leu went on — not to let himself jump to hopeful or over-eager conclusions. He needed to just hear the man out, and really listen. Leukos had said similar enough things before. He had said more before, and it had still all ended in rejection. Sajah wasn’t enough. Regardless of how much Leukos ‘thought’ about him or considered something with him, it was never enough to go through on. Apparently.

And that didn’t seem to be any different now.

As the man went on, though, Sajah reminded himself that in this case at least, the man wasn’t drunk, he clearly had some point in there that he was trying to make under whatever else was going on. Unfortunately, even in the end, none of it made sense.

What in all the lands was he ‘afraid’ of? All that was before them were Leukos’ choices. It was all a matter of what Leukos wanted, and he was sitting here telling him-

Gibberish. Like taking any action in life was a death sentence.

I want you to be happy.

Sajah attempted not to look immediately miffed. Fortunately, the next words out of the man’s mouth shed some light — I’m glad you found someone else… — and he did not even bother curbing the immediate instinct to roll his eyes. When Leukos stepped to leave, Sajah moved, blocking his path and shaking his head with a snort.

«No.» He jabbed a finger to the man’s chest, looking up to meet his gaze and holding it stubbornly. «You are not walking away that easily. Neither of us are going anywhere until you explain yourself better. I am not with anyone. I told M-I-K-A-H some time ago that I thought he should spend his focus elsewhere. He was friendly, and attractive enough, but…» Sajah frowned and shrugged. «I was never going to fall in love with him, and it seemed like a waste of both of our time. Beyond that…» He eyed Leukos with skeptical curiosity. «I think I have been clear about what I want and what makes me happy. Why are you bringing this back now? Are you fighting with your boyfriend?»

The idea didn’t really appeal. He didn’t want to play counselor. He didn’t really want to talk about Niamh if it could at all be avoided. It really and truly was not his business, and would be best for all parties if he stayed out of it. But, here Leukos stood just the same, making it his business by waving vague and unclear wants and complaints in his face, and at the very least, Sajahka needed answers. Some variety of actual explanation.

Surely that wasn’t too much to ask, even as a friend.

«I am not going anywhere, L-E-U-K-O-S…that is not something you need be afraid of. But while I am here, you will need to talk to me…»

‘He seemed like a good fit,’ ‘someone who could give you what you wanted…’ Leukos kept saying that as though he knew what Sajah wanted or what was a ‘good fit’ for him to begin with, and he evidently didn’t. But, though it tempted Sajah to speak, he kept his hands still. Because none of that mattered, nor did it really seem to be the point. Leukos was stalling. He didn’t know Mikah. Even Sajah hadn’t known Mikah all that well—yes, certainly he was a decent individual, but he had made a point not to talk overly much about him to Leukos, and though they had lasted some while, Sajah had ended it because it wasn’t what he wanted, and the boy deserved someone more invested. Or not, if that wasn’t what he wanted. But it was what Sajah wanted at this point.

Investment.

Something more and better than to just wait about.

Then, Leukos seemed to get closer to where he was trying to head. A viable excuse not to be with him. Sajahka didn’t bother resisting the urge to squint. Why did he need excuses not to be with him? Why did he want to convince himself instead of just-?

But, again, all of this paled in comparison to things more relevant still: ‘I broke up with Niamh…’

Sajahka blinked, thoroughly startled. He had only just begun to appreciate the full implications of this when — thought you wouldn’t care to know — he curbed a skeptical and irritated look. Of course he would care-

But that still wasn’t the point. Leukos’ hand took his.

You make me happy.

Sajah could not pretend to understand why Leukos needed excuses or reasons why they oughtn’t; he didn’t know why he was ‘afraid’ except perhaps to be afraid of truly wanting something to begin with and the fear of losing that came with that. But all of that, to Sajah, was incredibly manageable in the grand scheme of things, and as all the factors settled in his mind, he glanced up, making himself categorize and appreciate the factors each in turn. Leukos was no longer with Niamh. He was single, standing here before him, telling him that he, Sajah, made him happy and that he could no longer think of reasons they ‘shouldn’t’ be together. Sajah had promised himself he would not lay himself out on the line again. Not after last time. Not unless or until things actually changed.

But, they did seem to have. So.

He breathed out with a short puff, and gave a light squeeze to Leu’s fingers before releasing them to sign.

«I have told you, but I do not mind saying again that I love your company. You are a beautiful man, but it is much more than that. You are brilliant and foolish. You work so hard, but you can work yourself to death. You have such a springing wealth of talents and it seems sometimes that you know exactly how good you are at everything, but at other times as though you do not begin to appreciate yourself. You are loud, and frustrating, and bring life to a room, and you drive me mad…in all number of ways. That…» He prodded a finger again for emphasis, «…is what I want. You will chase what you will, but I want someone who changes my world when they are a part of it and makes it into something I couldn’t find elsewhere, I want someone who makes me want to shift the stars for them if I could…someone who makes me forget how pointless most of the rest of everything is, because they matter more than all of it…»

He hesitated, and then let his hands drop a moment, considering and eyeing Leu’s face. Now really was the time to say, no matter how much he didn’t want to ‘risk’ it:

«Things are different now, though. Last you asked, I told you that I was in love with someone else, and I was…» He kept his gaze on Leukos as he signed, careful not to miss a reaction. «But the last boy I loved left with a girl for another continent, and I find in his absence that I want something more than to chase something that does not feel the same. I have no interest in wasting my time ‘just ********.’ I know neither of us can promise the other the world or predict the future and say with guarantee that there will not later be problems…but I am here to take that risk and I do not want anything less. If I make you happy…if you want to <********> with me…» He drew a breath. «Then you should know I would want to be the only one you do unless or until you tell me otherwise, and I would promise you the same. I think I am worth your time…»

Finally, his gaze dropped, flitting to the side to eye the ground, for no matter how much he put forward—his heart still felt as though it might beat him to the floor where he stood. He wasn’t sure what he would do with further rejection. He felt invited this time, but he had thought Leukos invited him before. Thus, it seemed pertinent to note:

«But, as before, that choice is in your hands.»

Sajahka’s pulse ran to its own beat, rough in his chest as he waited, and listened, hopeful, but attentive for any sign of shifting intention. None came. Instead, every word was a building progression of what he wanted to hear — You are right… — and Leukos’ fingers were tracing up his skin, taking his hands captive and leaving pinpricks of attentive heat in their wake — No one else interests me… — such that by the time Leukos took his hands in his fully, lifting them and kissing knuckles, any remaining anxiety was swept over by almost disbelieving giddiness and anticipation.

Somehow, they had really made it to here of all places, and Leukos—Leukos was his.

His fingers spread where they were placed, focusing in on the rush of Leu’s own pulse in kind under his palm when the man dipped—and then crimping to grip as Leukos’ lips caught his. This wasn’t going to be the last time he kissed him.

That knowledge, combined with the sweeping back rush of everything that had come before, dragged a short, low grunt of a sound from his lips, and Sajah pulled, pushing up into it even as his grip attempted to keep Leukos down, drag him nearer. Without the complication of everything else—now moot—it was all too easy to recall the state they had been in which had tipped them to here, and Sajahka wanted-

Well, things that probably oughtn’t occur on their employer’s property, but that was one of the further things from his mind at present. Now that he didn’t have to be irritated by it, he could indulge in knowing Leukos had wanted him and been at his back really only a handful of minutes before, grinding against him—both of them had been clearly riled then, and it hadn’t had a chance to resolve itself. Yet. Sajahka dropped one hand to Leukos’ hip, skirting around and under the hem of his top to trace skin low at the small of his back.

Goddess, he’d be able to touch him again. It was somewhat ridiculous in retrospect to appreciate the truth of how much that was a thing he wanted, for all the time he had spent insisting that he could refrain happily as a ‘friend.’ The last time they had been together, he had still wanted Nyko. Sajahka’s teeth pulled at Leukos’ lip, coaxing before making himself pull back and touching their noses as his eyes flit back open, darting to take in the sight of the man before him with new, hungry appreciation. It was going to be better now.

Then, he grinned, a toothy, feral smile before signing:

«I think you are even prettier when you’re mine…shall we go home? Or would you prefer to give me more ‘mounting’ lessons while we are here…» He considered just a moment before deciding to add: «I think I would like to take you to bed…»

Leukos pushed, and Sajah let himself be guided back, up against the nearest wall and—Sajah swallowed, a soft skirt of breath escaping him as Leukos’ touch trailed up the column of his throat. There’s nothing I’d like more than to pin you right here… Sajah’s toes curled in his boots, and a short, startled grunt of a sound escaped as suddenly he wasn’t grounded any longer, and his knees pinched instinctively to Leu’s hips. At the words to follow, heat swelled up, towards his face and ears, and he wanted—he’d been ready to wait, but now they were right here and hips cocked forward reactively, legs eager to drag Leu in nearer, get more. Now.

But…

But, is what Leukos said as his lips touched to Sajah’s earfin, and he a made frustrated, strangled noise in the back of his throat. It was suddenly a far more offensive concept than it could have been moments before. Leukos had a point, he was sure. He had waited this long, and it wasn’t as though the opportunity was evaporating indefinitely. All they had to do was make it home-

But logic did little to muffle the disgruntled fuss that came with being deposited back down. Only some combination of the promise of all night and the encouraging tug of Leukos’ fingers inspired him not to bother with complaints or argument. He could survive that long, surely, somehow—and he had said he wanted it, and did.

And by the time they did make it home, little could compare to the freedom of knowing they did have all the time in the world, and the space entirely to themselves. He could touch without the distraction of someone else on the mind and without the condition that this might be their last. He could kiss and learn Leukos all over again, and whatever he didn’t get to could be explored on another occasion. And when they did finish for the evening, he could lay with him, exhausted and content in the same space on the same bed with an arm looped over him and his face tucked close and that was how it should be and would be when he woke.

Sajahka, he found as the night hours drifted and he lay folded in Leukos’ scent on Leukos’ bed with his own hold tucked over the man, was very happy. It was, he thought, all around a very good day—and a very successful lesson on the finer points of mounting.