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 Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2017 7:39 pm
"Because I am one of those things!" Airtech hissed suddenly, trying to keep his own voice down. "I know what happened. I was there when Sanidine told Fangite the story remember? I knew you weren't suppose to be a youma. I could have told you that without knowing what happened! You were different. Even I could see that." The youma's ears flattened against his skull and he visibly tensed for a moment before he sighed, whiling himself to relax.
"I don't either, you know. Like other youma. You were and are, the only other I have spent a significant amount of time with." He huffed quietly, his form sulking. "That's what we're suppose to do. What I am suppose to do. But I'm not, am I?" He wouldn't. He couldn't. "It's a mental thing... Instincts, I suppose someone would call it... But to me, it always came off more like hard wiring and preprogramming." As if they were suppose to be some sort of machine. "It's no better around senshi. It's worse, even."
Airtech watched as Evan's fingers twitched. He didn't miss the way the boys body shook, or the wetness in his eyes. "Hey." He said softly. "Breathe, Evan. Please. Sit if you need to." He wanted so bad, to butt his head against Evan's hand. To curl up against him and try to calm him down. He'd give anything for it to be like those times in the cave, where Airi had shifted forms and was running his claws through Evan's fur.
"I know I'm not making things any easier... I just wanted to see you. I miss you." He missed Evan more then he could have imagined. More then he could comprehend right now. The youma snorted, lightly. "Despite my... temper... I'm not mad at you. I don't think I ever could be mad at you." He shifted awkwardly, as Evan wiped at his eyes, the urge to touch rising once more. "Don't. Please. Don't cry." He hated seeing Evan cry. Even as a youma. It made him feel useless and unable to help. "You don't have to apologize. This isn't your fault. It's mine. I just acted on impulse. I should have given you some warning." Something, anything. "Like I said... I missed you."
"...I'm happy though, that you've gotten your life back. Really I am. That's all I ever wanted for you." Evan knew that right?
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2017 8:57 am
Evan found himself nodding, but he wasn’t sure what he was agreeing with. He was trying to breathe, he just wasn’t doing a very good job at it. Sitting down sounded like a good idea, especially when his legs suddenly felt as sore as if he’d run a marathon. He meant to sit down slowly. Instead, he slid down gracelessly and drew his knees to his chest once he hit the floor. He reached up both hands to rub at his eyes and sucked in a shallow, shaky breath.
“It’s not you,” he said after a moment. He had to sniffle, hating how loud and wet it sounded. It just reminded him how weak he felt.
“It’s everything. I’m trying to piece everything back together and I can’t stop all these thoughts and fears. I had problems before I met you. And they’ve just gotten worse. I’m just trying really hard to be normal, Airi.”
He looked tired, but his body wouldn’t give him a break; he was still tense and trembling.
“My brain just goes into panic mode. I’m not in control of anything. I cry at everything though,” he muttered. “Especially these days. So telling me not to cry is like telling me not to breathe. It’s supposed to get better, Cambria’s helping me. But there aren’t that many people I’m even so good at talking to right now. It’s not that I don’t want to talk. I just, I clam up, and,” he gestured to himself, to the mess that he figured he was, and sighed, once more rubbing at his eyes with both hands.
“Thank you,” he managed after a second. “It means a lot that you’d say that. I’m still working on getting my life back. But I’m trying. It’s a start. And I didn’t mean to get so spooked. I just,” he gestured to Airi. “You’re big. You have big teeth. And you’re in my house, and even if I know you, I can’t—I can’t stop this.”
He held his hand out for just a few seconds so Airi could see how much his hand was trembling.
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Posted: Tue Oct 17, 2017 7:37 pm
When Evan dropped to the ground, Airi's ears twitched and he took a tentative step forward before lowering himself to the ground and laying at Evan's feet.
"...It's okay to be scared." He said softly. "...What kind of thoughts and fears?" What kinds of problems did Evan have that he was this worried about. "...Tell me, now that you can." His tail twitched slightly, but for the most part Airi tried to remain still. A part of him wanted to wrap himself around Evan, to help sooth the trembling and ease his tension. But he didn't move. "...What is... normal? By human standards? Wouldn't you want to be... You?" Airi asked, almost as if he were confused.
"Okay..." He said quietly. "Yeah... That might not have been the best thing to say.." Airi mumbled, inching closer yet again. "I suppose.. anyone in your situation would cry a lot, wouldn't they?" Airitech wondered, if he would cry, were he human. "Is... talking going to help? To the others, I mean." As it was, Airi didn't converse with the other youma. His only company had been Evan and Fangite. "You use to hide from me... In the beginning." Airitech recalled when they had first met. Fangite had spent the entire time yelling at the other Captain, yet Airi's attention was solely on Evan.
"I think you've done good so far... Even if it is just a start. There's nothing wrong with getting spooked..." Then he frowned, making a soft noise. "...You know I would never bite you..." He muttered. "I never wanted to hurt you. I still don't..." Airi mumbled. The youma turned his gaze towards Evan's fingers before licking at them lightly.
"You'll get better at this." Airi knew he would. He believed in Evan.
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Posted: Tue Oct 17, 2017 8:46 pm
Evan didn’t draw away when Airi lowered himself to the ground, or when he scooted closer and licked at Evan’s fingers. He didn’t know if he should think it was weird or normal; Airi grooming him when he was a youma made sense. Now, Evan wasn’t sure what he was supposed to think. It wasn’t like a dog licking your fingers; Airi was as intelligent as any person you might find on the street.
It was his way of comforting him, though, and Evan decided he would rather accept it than look into it too much.
It was a lot to go over, so Evan had to take a moment to sort through Airi’s words before he could really reply.
“I don’t want to talk about my thoughts and fears,” he mumbled; his voice trembled as much as his hand did and he could hear the congestion clearly. He sniffled, trying to reign in his emotions so he could sound less pathetic.
It didn’t really help.
From an early age he’d learned that there were some topics you avoided if you wanted people to look at you like a person. He had faced distrust and resentment and confusion and pity and he hated it. Stuffing everything in the pit of his stomach, in the back of his mind, was better than dealing with the responses he’d gotten when he did try to open up—and if this was his first real conversation with Airi, he wasn’t about to go dropping any bombs.
Evan was tired and didn’t draw away from Airi; his head hung and his shoulders slumped. With his free hand, he mopped at his cheeks with the hem of his sleeve but he seemed like he was too exhausted to cry anymore. His trembling was lessening, but only because it seemed like he didn’t have the energy to maintain it.
“Talking only helps if you have someone who knows how to listen. And I’ve had therapists before, and talking to them just made me feel like s**t, so I’m sorry if I just got used to not talking about some things. They won’t help you understand me any better, they’ll just make you think less of me. So just,” he shrugged. “Just trust me on that. It’s better to be ‘normal’, anyway—you know, like, being able to go out and do things on your own, or talk to people, or to not be afraid of anything. The things that make it easier to live your life. That’s what I mean by ‘normal’.”
He sighed again, only now allowing himself to look at Airi. His eyes were still swimming with moisture; his face was red and splotchy from crying but he hoped it was dark enough that he didn’t seem completely horrendous. After a hesitant moment, he moved his fingers away from Airi and reached to brush them over the youma’s fur.
“I know you won’t hurt me, Airi. It’s just that you could if you wanted to, and that’s what I’m afraid of. And I know it’s stupid.”
He sounded like he was used to being told his fears were stupid; he seemed so insistent to assure Airi that he already knew.
It wasn’t Cambria’s doing; she was working wonders to make him feel better about his insecurities and fears. She hadn’t had the time she needed to correct behavior he’d learned and practiced for years even before meeting her, though; even if he was trying to be as ‘normal’ as he wanted to be, he had a long way to go.
But, he was trying.
“I just don’t want to be afraid anymore,” he confessed. “I hate this.”
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Posted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 5:55 pm
After a few moments, Airi pulled away, settling back on the floor at Evan's feet.
He was quiet for a few moments, ears swiveling this way and that as he just listened to the sounds of the house, before speaking again. "Would... Would you tell me? Eventually. Once you're better with talking?" Airi asked curiously, though he back tracked almost immediately. "Though, you don't have to tell me obviously. If you don't want too. I just." Airi huffed quietly. "You just... You couldn't talk before. ...I just don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me now that you can... You know I'll listen." He would always listen to Evan. Talking or not.
Airi snorted, cracking a smile as he twitched his ears. "I'm all ears." Though he tilted his head curiously. "Therapists? Are those the people that sit in ridiculous questions? I've seen a few in the things Fa- uh... You know who would watch on tv. ...They seem like they hate their jobs." Airi said, scrunching his nose. "What's their obsession with drawing on note pads???" Once again the youma made a noise, looking offended. "I'd never think worse of you." He pouted, though the youma seemed to sulk. "Being a human sounds... Complicated. I wish I understood more." Being a youma was one thing. But to be human? That was something entirely different all together.
"It's not stupid." Airi said softly, relaxing under Evan's touch. "You're right. I could hurt you if I wanted to. Youma don't really like humans." They liked Senshi even less. "It's a feeling that's... just easy to ignore." it always had been. Even when Evan was a youma, Airi just gravitated towards him. Airi had always ignored other youma, but with Evan... It was different. "I would rather get dusted, then hurt you."
"You'll get there, someday. It might take a while... But you'll get there. I know you will."
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Posted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 6:41 pm
Truthfully, Evan wouldn’t tell anyone if he could avoid it, but that wasn’t the answer he wanted to say. Instead, he shrugged and nodded somewhat noncommittally. His eyes lingered on the ground as if that would make the lie a little more convincing. He didn’t want to force himself to tell anyone, and sometimes things just slipped out. Sometimes, very rarely, he let little bits and pieces slide. Most of the time people just pieced things together or relied on assumptions. Sometimes Evan didn’t deny them.
“I don’t like therapists,” he mumbled, sighing heavily. “I had three. And the school counselors knew me pretty well, in middle school and high school. I was a good kid in elementary school, though. My middle school counselor was the nicest, but he moved across the country when I was in ninth grade. My high school counselor didn’t like me.” His eyes darted up for a second. “I got into a lot of trouble in school.” He shrugged, like it was just a fact and not something he really dwelled on. “The therapists always seemed like they were busy. I mean, they were getting paid to listen to me and they didn’t ever seem like they wanted to listen to what I had to say. I tried, really hard, to get along with the first one. But things didn’t work out so my parents made me see two others. By the third one I realized that they weren’t really ever going to help, so I just told them what they wanted to hear so they’d leave me alone. Honestly, Cambria’s a better therapist than anyone we ever paid. I think it’s just because she really cares.”
He breathed a heavy, exhausted sigh and let his eyelids droop tiredly. He sniffled once more but it seemed like his nose was slowly starting to clear.
“I’m sure there are good ones out there. I just never met any of them. At least, not one that ever made me want to open up, and not one that ever said anything helpful. Maybe what they said worked for other people, or maybe I was just especially messed up. I don’t know. But I do know that for as complicated as being human is, it’s still better than being a youma.”
His eyes found Airi again after a moment. “…Did all youma used to be human? Like, I don’t know. Maybe you were human once? Or did you just spring out of a shadow one day and that was that?”
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