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 Posted: Wed Apr 26, 2017 1:36 pm
This was weird.
Okay, it was really weird.
Nothing was happening. There wasn't any movement on Peter's side, nor any real sound. It was just... There. It was a kiss, a thing where two lips touched but it didn't feel warm or exciting or anything of the sort. He had expected maybe an arm to come about him and pull him closer, or even a slight push back where the kiss was awkwardly returned because Benji was fairly certain that Peter wasn't too experienced in the kissing department. But there was nothing.
When Peter pulled away and held his hand against his chest, Benji opened his eyes, looking confused and a little disappointed, trying to figure out just what was going on.
"I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you thinking I'm leading you on..."
Well s**t.
Well ******** s**t.
At that, Benji pulled away a little too, fixing his balance so that he wasn't entirely leaning against Peter or on his hand, a more proper distance between them, even if he had his legs in the other's lap. He didn't try to pull away though. Running wasn't possible, and why would he?
"Ehh..." he finally managed to avert his eyes from the other's, shutting his bad eye in favor of keeping some sort of dignity in the situation. "Do we need to? I mean, it's pretty obvious what you're saying. Not interested. Got it, loud and clear."
Part of him really, truly wanted to be upset. Just like those people in movies who would be rejected and flail about all mopey and sad for a while, but that didn't seem right. Well, the aching in his chest did, but he didn't feel like crying. Hell, he didn't even feel mad. Just kinda... Empty for now. Like he tried for something he really wanted and failed, which was kinda true, but it wasn't his own fault. Yet he still felt like it was.
Pulling his hand free from Peter's grasp, he used that to shift his leg off of his friend, then reached for his eyepatch to put it back on. atleast if that one started watering because he couldn't get his ******** thoughts together it wouldn't start rolling around.
"For the sake of my fragile ego, though, is it because I'm a boy, or because I'm... Me. I'd like to think I haven't been that shitty not to like... And we'll still be friends too, because before any of these shitty mushy feelings came around, you were my friend first. If you want to be, that is... I mean, it's not like I can turn off the ******** googly eyes or whatever... Err, or eye, I guess.. s**t." The more he talked, the hotter his face felt, like he really shouldn't have kissed Peter any of the times he did.
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Posted: Wed Apr 26, 2017 5:59 pm
Peter watched Benji as he pulled back and looked away from him, already feeling guilty for having to talk to him about, well, everything that was happening. Because Benji was his friend and he cared about him, just as he cared about Oort and Haven and Raleigh and Harmonia and Tomlin and even Hydra. But there was something more complicated with Benji, because he knew the other teen had some kind of feelings for him.
When he pulled his hand away, Peter let him, and then watched sadly as Benji worked on getting his eyepatch back on, and pulled his legs off Peter’s.
His eyes did widen slightly with curiosity when Benji asked him why. Why he wasn’t kissing him back or showing any interest? Peter hesitated, and he didn’t know if what came to mind was a good enough explanation for either of them.
“Both? And neither, I guess,” he mumbled, still sitting with his back to the fence as he watched Benji’s movements. He could see the red in his cheeks and Peter knew he must be feeling embarrassed. Hell, he could feel his own face darken in color a bit, because it still wasn’t as though he was kissed often. Or ever.
“I don’t care if you kiss me. Or do whatever you want with me. It’s just… you’d be getting a lot more out of it than I would. I just want to make sure you knew that,” he tried to explain, feeling stupid because on one hand, if Benji wanted to make out with him, sure whatever, it just wouldn’t have him wanting to go any further than that. Probably. Nothing surprised him, and he was a scientist, after all.
“Hey,” he said quietly, trying to get Benji’s attention before the other started getting too upset, although Peter wouldn’t blame him for it. “You’re my friend, okay? I still want to be your friend, and you can’t get rid of me that easily. If you have mushy feelings or whatever I… I’m not sure what I did to make you feel that way, and I’m sorry for putting you in this position. I didn’t tell you to stop before because people take comfort in different ways, don’t they? I thought… if that’s something that made you happy or feel better, then it wasn’t really hurting anything,” he tried to explain, but again didn’t know how good of a job he was doing.
“I’m also not telling you to stop now, either,” he clarified, because he was sure that might be something Benji assumed. “If you need to… if that’s something that helps calm you down or whatever… I’m not going to stop you.” It was just something friends did, right? That was normal, he hoped.
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Posted: Wed Apr 26, 2017 6:29 pm
"Both? Neither? You're killing me Peter, geesh... If you don't know, just say you don't know. It's not that complicated. No is no, you know?" As hurting as he was, he did his best to try to get things back to their normal tone of things. Benji being stupidly lax and joking or cussing at things and Peter, well, honestly it seemed like Peter was a really good pep talker, when he tried. Maybe that's why he liked Peter, because he tried at things. That was saying alot more than most, especially when he thought back on the other people he remembered meeting since being powered and how many just seemed so resigned to fate. Which was total and utter bullshit to Benji.
Peter really should have just stopped talking. The more he spoke about letting Benji do 'whatever', the more irritated Benji became. He really should have just stopped talking, because now Benji felt not only irritated at the blaseness with which Peter handled the whole thing, he was distressed and that sinking feeling of not being important to anyone began to creep up his spin.
The final straw was bent when Peter said he wasn't going to stop him, and Benji stood, using the wall to support his weight, glaring down angrily at his friend on the ground. He didn't care about the pain in his ankle. He didn't need any help, and right now, want anything from Peter. This was stupid, this was SO ******** stupid.
"Listen to yourself, a*****e... Do you even hear yourself talk? 'Just do whatever'? Do you REALLY think that little of me that I wouldn't be able to control myself or something?" He started with a low growl, feeling those damned angry tears edging in his eyes that were narrowed in a hard scowl. Normally, when he got mad, he just went to fist flying rage, but this, this was not that at all. The kind of hurt he felt was strange and made him want to wrap his fingers around something and tear it to shreds. It preyed on his insecurity, the same feelings that had led him down that path that lead to that Knight getting his starseed ripped out of his chest. No, it hurt more because he really did think as Peter as a friend
"Would you say that to a girl who did this, who kissed you? Do you think that I'm so 'out of control with my emotions' that I need to kiss the first ******** I see in order to keep myself from flying off the chain?" Surprisingly, he didn't begin shouting, his voice remained an even, low tone but he was still, very clearly upset. "Or do you think that highly of yourself that you're some sort of fix it all? 'oh, go ahead, kiss me, if it makes you feel better'. I'm all for being generous or helpful, but how would YOU feel if someone just came out and said 'kiss me if you want, I'm not going to feel anything'? You're so ******** wrong because it DOES hurt things. It hurts people with lies that maybe, just maybe they were more important than they thought they were, that maybe someone bothered to like them and see them more than just a weapon to be used in a war or some ******** up little psychopath with anger issues."
By the time he did stop speaking, he could feel a few angry tears escape his eyes and he rubbed them away quickly, not wanting them to remain obvious for too long. He was angry, not sad! He didn't want to cry right now!
"Go ******** off, Peter. I'll get home myself so go do whatever it is you do."
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Posted: Wed Apr 26, 2017 7:46 pm
Peter stared, completely speechless at how things suddenly took a turn for the worst. He was just trying to be honest about how he felt, so why was Benji freaking out like he was. His brows furrowed in concern when the other pushed himself up on his bad leg. Peter pushed himself up as well, still covered in Benji’s blood, his shorts soaked from trying to clean his ankle and his shirt stained from the cut on Benji’s forehead. He kept his distance at least. He didn’t try to step forward to reach out to the other teen.
“I don’t think little of you at all, Benji. I said it because if that’s what you need then you can have it,” he said, his hands lifting in a show of surrender, more upset that Benji was going to be causing damage to his ankle than he was upset with being called an a*****e, or having his words twisted in a way that made him sound like he didn’t care.
He did care. He cared a lot. He wouldn’t just tell anyone to kiss him when they wanted.
“I don’t know if I’d say it to a girl! You’re the first person to ever kiss me! But probably, because unless I was interested too, I wouldn’t want them expecting too much from me! I’m kind of distracted chasing after youma and researching the negaverse to really devote myself to a relationship or whatever,” he said, feeling as though Benji was just saying whatever came to his mind.
Did he really think Peter thought highly of himself? After everything they’d been through? Or that he thought little of Benji, or thought he was out of control with his emotions? Well, at the moment he kind of was overreacting, and that was coming from one of the biggest over exaggerators ever. At least when he’d been younger. Peter liked to think he was growing out of that.
“Benji,” he said quietly but firmly, trying to get the other’s attention. He had half the mind to reach out to him, if only to stop him from inevitably running off and injuring himself more.
“How was I supposed to react? What was I supposed to do? Punch you in the face? Scream at you? You didn’t even ask if you could kiss me. I thought it was something you needed. Like people need hugs. Or chocolate. Or someone to talk to,” he tried, but had a feeling that it was falling on deaf ears.
From helping Benji to getting yelled at for being honest was, well… it wasn’t the best feeling in the world. But that was his life, he supposed.
“At least let me call you a cab or something… You're going to really mess up your ankle..."
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Posted: Wed Apr 26, 2017 8:41 pm
"It's not the fact that you said no and don't really care for it! That's fine! That was just fine, I was okay with that! I just brushed it off didn't I? Because that was fine, but it was the ******** part about me just doing whatever I wanted! Doesn't that atleast seem a little off?!" When Peter stood, Benji backed away a bit further, finding himself now having to look up at the younger teen. He hated how short he was some times!
Turning away from Peter, he put most of his weight on the good ankle and began to try to limp past him, face scrunching up in pain from the soreness that surrounded his injury. s**t... The was no way he was going to make it anyway like this. He stopped, trying to calm down, trying his damnedest to convince himself that he didn't need to act like this and that, yeah, he was over reacting. It didn't work though.
"Does it even make sense to you? Like... The ******** Peter, you don't just go telling your friends they can just kiss you whenever! That it so any kiss won't mean anything... What makes it special? What's the point if both people don't enjoy it?! I can't just kiss you like that! I mean, I did kiss you because I thought there was something but there wasn't and I just... Gah, ******** nothing makes sense does it..?" Everything hurt and everything felt hot and god ******** dammit his ankle was on fire. And still, a strange sort of quietness came over him, and words started to spew out that he hadn't wanted to tell anyone.
"I'm not going to just kiss you for comfort or some bullshit like that. I tried that before, I even went to goddamned strangers and let them put their hands on me just to feel like someone cared. But I don't need that, I don't WANT that. Someone ******** died because of it and I don't want that for you... I don't want you hurt or dead on the ground because of me." For the first time he confessed what had happened not too long ago, something he hadn't bothered to tell anyone at all and it felt like a weight was off of his chest, leaving him feeling exhausted.
"I don't want to fight... So just leave me alone, Peter. I'll talk to you later or something, I don't know. I'll be fine. I'll be just ******** fine." Not bothering to wait for a reply, Benji tried again to limp his way past Peter, back out of the alley. If he just made it to the school, he'd be free to rest in peace and hate himself later for opening his goddamn mouth.
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Posted: Wed Apr 26, 2017 10:22 pm
Once again, Peter stared, because he couldn’t quite understand what was happening. Benji wasn’t mad at him for one thing, but mad about the other thing? Maybe Peter just really didn’t understand people. They confused him and even when he was being honest, they still got mad at him. Maybe it was the way he said things, he wasn’t sure.
“Kisses don’t have to mean anything. People kiss all the time and it doesn’t mean anything,” he said quietly, confused as to what Benji was going on about. Yes, ideally kissing meant something, but he wasn’t stupid enough to think that every kiss would be special. Michael had kissed plenty of people before meeting Caspian. And he was sure it was the same with others, too.
But the next thing Benji said had him frowning in concern, his expression turning almost horrified. Benji had gone to strangers to let them touch him?? And someone had died?? Wait wait wait, what the hell was he talking about?? There was clearly something more going on than just being mad about what Peter had said.
“Benji, please sit down. Your ankle,” he tried to get him to at least think about that, trying to distract him from what he was saying so that maybe Peter could get the time he needed to piece things together. But it didn’t seem as though Benji had any interest in staying around. “At least make sure you get it washed and re-bandaged!” he called after him, still feeling a bit dazed as to what just happened. Maybe there were things said that he shouldn’t have said, but he would probably still say them again because he meant it.
He wasn’t going to stop the other, though. Things were already rough and Benji might just need time to himself…
So Peter watched as the other headed towards the alley, still covered in blood, and trying to figure out what the hell just happened.
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