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 Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:46 pm
Alexei shook his head slightly while he helped himself to another sip. When he lowered the mug it was already half drained.
"No," he replied finally, "'It is perfect how it is, thank you."
Briefly distracted from his drink, he cocked his head to the side inquisitively as he eyed Shiloh's dinner.
He was scrutinizing again.
"...That doesn't look very appetizing," he said rather bluntly.
Not that he was particularly in any position to be talking; he reached for a small bag of chips and ate one. It didn't seem like he really cared what he was eating; he had not looked at the wrapping but instead had simply reached for the snack closest to him.
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Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:46 pm
“You drank it pretty quickly… Would you like some more, sir?” Just how much coffee did this man drink, he wondered for a moment before picking up a carrot and taking a small bite of it. When the judge mentioned his food, he looked down at the box in his lap, sighing just a little bit.
“Well, it’s something, and healthy… I don’t want to make a mess or inconvenience anyone by using a microwave or something, so I just kinda… Make something simple. And it’s cheap, so that’s good too, right?” Though he worked nearly every night, Shiloh wasn’t really good at keeping up with savings. After his college payments, rent, power, and all other bills he had to pay, he lived on a paycheck to paycheck basis. And it just made sense, he figured… There was no harm and accepting the judge’s offer though, right?
After a few more moments of debating, he took a random bag of chips and tried to quietly open the bag, taking the top half of the sandwich off and dumping a few of them on it, putting the top back down and squishing it down with a satisfying crunch.
“Thank you for your generosity… Um… Can you normally see the fireworks from your office? N-Not assuming you’ve been here alone on New Years before… Maybe like, on July 4th..?”
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Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:47 pm
Alexei raised his hand dismissively at the offer for more coffee; truly, he could never drink enough, but if he accepted any more from Shiloh he was going to feel indebted to him. He was, in his own way, relieved that Shiloh took something from the pile of snacks.
"My office doesn't offer the best view, but it is sufficient. You can see them well enough."
Colored light flashed in the distance and the rumble of fireworks followed, so Alexei gestured to the window. "You can observe, if you like. Unfortunately such displays don't interest me much anymore."
Which was probably why didn't seem to have any issue working so late on a holiday. He didn't seem the type to go out for drinks or to attend a party. He had been in this office enough to know that there was a relatively good view of some fireworks, he just didn't care. He spent most of his evenings alone, so this was an exception.
One that he found he wasn't really minding.
Shiloh was an interesting specimen, one that he hadn't been able to figure out upon first glance. Alexei prided himself on his ability to read others, and to him, his peers were transparent.
Shiloh, not so much.
He couldn't understand the gestures the younger male had shown to him earlier this evening, and a part of Alexei told himself that he was only playing along to see if Shiloh just had a long con going. He wanted to wait and see what the boy really wanted.
It would come out, in time.
It had to--all things did.
Everyone had an agenda--and now that Shiloh had made the move, he wanted to know what his was.
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Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:47 pm
To Shiloh, sufficient was a severe understatement. When it came to the view, there was none that he could think of at this time that would be better to view the fireworks. And though the time ticked nearly to that climax of the night, there was still a rumbling going on outside. That the biggest or the loudest, but even now he could see a soft glow hitting the sky. A few test runs.
And in seeing that, he fidgeted a little, nibbling absently on his sandwich. The windows were behind the Judge’s desk, and he couldn’t reach them, not without walking past him. But that would be far too much to ask. He couldn’t stop himself from changing his gaze from his hands, to the judge, then back to the window every so often.
“Do you never celebrate, sir…?” The words barely left his lips before a large boom rattled the office ever so slightly, flooding the room in a wonderful, colorful light. He jumped at first, before his eyes widened in wonder and awe, like a child who had seen the most astonishing thing in the world. He found himself on the edge of the seat, watching the colors go off over and over across the sky.
“I… Um… I…” There was no focusing any more, every bit of his attention was directed beyond the windows.
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Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:47 pm
Alexei seemed almost entirely uninterested in the fireworks. "I don't," he said simply, taking another chip. He watched Shiloh--watched him fidget in his seat. Watched his eyes plastered on the windows.
"You can go over to them," he suggested, leaning back in his chair. He spun it just a bit so he was turned, half facing the windows. Truthfully, he didn't care about the fireworks, but he suspected that Shiloh wouldn't move any closer unless Alexei gave him a reason to do so.
There didn't seem to be any point in continuing the conversation over the bellow of fireworks; they were loud enough that it would have been incredibly disruptive to conversation--even if he'd had Shiloh's full attention.
Which, he could easily tell, he didn't.
He'd have rather given the boy something to look forward to. Cleaning couldn't possibly be a very enjoyable job, and if he could take a few moments to relax, perhaps he deserved it. It wasn't something Alexei could justify for himself, but perhaps he could live vicariously through Shiloh for the moment.
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Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:48 pm
“T-thank you…” As soon as he was given permission, Shiloh carefully sat his lunch box off to the side, then quickly making his way over to the window, his eyes unable to break away. He knew that the judge was still there, and that more than likely, his cold eyes were gazing at his back, maybe even boring holes into it for still being around. But for right now, it was okay. Shiloh didn’t mind the discomfort of the eyes on him as he watched fire flowers burst and vanish in the sky.
A small, well-loved memory came to mind and it, even as brief as it was, caused a small, earnest smile to form on his lips. The last time that he remembered watching such things without that encroaching loneliness that seemed to constantly plague him was so long ago that he couldn’t even remember the people’s faces that surrounded him. All that was left was a feeling, a hand in his, and soft shared giggles by a person without a name. Was he really just a child since he last felt such gentle bliss?
Just as quickly as it came, it left, and only the faint echos of what had come to pass remained. The bliss that came with the lights that danced across the sky lingered more so than normal, and when he turned about, Shiloh met the judge with a bright and tired smile.
“I can’t remember the last time I watched fireworks with someone… I can’t even remember not feeling alone… Thank you so much for allowing me to stay, sir. It truly, truly means the world to me, in this moment…”
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Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:48 pm
Alexei did not always have the kindest gaze, but it softened a bit when he watched the smile appear on Shiloh's face. It was subconscious; as soon as he realized that his expression was anything but impassive, he promptly forced it away.
A quip came to mind--that he wasn't quite certain this counted as watching fireworks together, but for some reason he couldn't bring himself to say something like that right now. He blamed it on fatigue, and definitely not him developing any sort of soft spot.
"Not feeling alone?" he found himself asking, despite his mental voice telling him to shut up. "I find that hard to believe. You seem like a friendly sort." He eyed the gifts on his desk and looked back to Shiloh before putting another chip in his mouth. It crunched loudly in the absence of fireworks echoing from the sky.
He didn't bite his tongue hard enough.
"...Or are you truly so alone that you're forced to bestow such friendliness upon strangers?"
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Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:49 pm
There was no telling just what Shiloh expected when he gave the judge his thanks. It seemed that he would have gotten just a simple nod, or a half smile, something kinder than what he had received. He didn't want to think about his loneliness right then and there! He was happy! He had been completely content with what he had in that moment, just him and the judge, quietly watching the sky clear of the residue smoke.
Instead, he was violently pulled back from that warmth into the cold reality. He was alone. He knew this night wouldn't last and that come morning, the judge would have all but forgotten his name. It was always like that in the end… Even the words that the judge said before were drowned out by the thought of being alone again. And with it came a small pool of tears welling at the bottom of his eyes. His chest tightened, anxiety creeping up his spine once more, whispering in his ear over and over to just leave.
“I-I think T-that might be the case sir… But please believe me when I say it wasn't forced… I just…” He forced himself to stop speaking as he felt the beginnings of his voice cracking. As quickly, but still politely as he could, he half stumbled to his things, packing them up as neatly as they had been before while trying to blink back tears that were already spilling.
“I've taken up far too much of your time… I-I'm so sorry…”
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Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:49 pm
Alexei was quiet for a few seconds and pursed his lips together. He had meant what he said, but he didn't mean it like that.
He was tired and ornery and he'd spent too much time with someone he couldn't figure out and it had put him on edge; his natural reaction was to lash out, and usually it had spared him from pain and humiliation in the past.
Only, Shiloh's reaction reminded him that he had a habit of going too far.
Again, he was plagued with the thought that perhaps Shiloh really had just been being nice--that he hadn't come here with ulterior motives.
Hurting his feelings would have been bad enough, but even in the shadows of the room, Alexei could tell by his voice alone that he'd damaged him.
Anxiety welled in the pit of his stomach in a way he hadn't felt in a long time. It felt like the world was slipping through his fingers and he was losing control. He simply couldn't allow that.
Clearing his throat, he turned to face Shiloh.
"You should come back. We should do this again, officially. When do you work again? I'll make you a proper lunch. There won't be fireworks, but I'll bring a bit more coffee. I have been awake for a long time." He rearranged the papers on his desk, suddenly feeling like maybe he should have gone to bed an hour ago. "...I think, perhaps, it has made me a little ornery. I did not mean to upset you. What you did tonight was very kind. I am not ungrateful, just..."
He slumped back in his chair just slightly. "...I am equally unaccustomed to acts of kindness. I don't keep many friends, myself."
He tapped the armrest of his chair and added, softer, "I am sorry."
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Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:50 pm
Despite what the judge was saying, Shiloh didn't stop his movements. A strange feeling began to come about his fingers, their very joints tightening and forcing him to grip his small container far more tightly than he would normally. There was no way he could look at the judge now, not when his face was foolishly covered in tear streaks that he hated himself from allowing to run.
All he really wanted was a moment to maybe make a friend, in the end. To try to show someone else he was alone, so why was it rejected? Why did it hurt so much to have his loneliness pointed out directly, even if the other person seemed to be in the same boat as he was? He knew that this had been a horrible idea; there was a reason why people like him were better off working at night when there was no one else around. No one could judge them about their ******** ups and failures. Even though the judge never explicitly directed such thoughts and ideas towards the young janitor, there was plenty of his own self hatred to come to such a conclusion.
You aren't wanted. You don't belong here, stop wasting this man's time. You have done nothing ever to deserve company, so just ---
Shiloh flinched again visibly when the judge cleared his throat, and he froze, hunched over his belongings and facing away from him. Eyes squeezed tightly closed, preparing to be berated, just as his father had done over and over again, to be told just how useless he was and how he even did horribly when he tried his best. Yet it never came.
This night had become far more bizarre than Shiloh could have ever imagined for he would not have guessed the judge to invite him to come again, much less give his reasoning to his words before, and even MORE less an apology. It baffled the young man, and guilt began to set in. He should have kept his emotions in check. Crying never solved anything. The judge must have thought him a fool for being as old as he was and crying in front of another grown man. He didn't want pity. He never wanted pity!
"Please sir... Don't bother yourself with me. I'm not much of anything, to be honest... I shouldn't have bothered you. I was out of line to approach you without any context..." Though his words came slowly, they did not hiccup, as if the lines he said were common on his tongue. How many times had he gone through this same conversation over and over again? And why did this one, this particular moment hurt more than any others he could remember? Most likely because this time he truly and deeply had tried to change. But it didn't work, and it left him crying harder than he had in a long time.
"I"m so sorry for inconveniencing you, I'm sorry for invading your space, and I'm sorry I've made you feel awful enough to offer your time in apology. It's truly alright, sir. I won't bother you again." Finally, he found his legs again, and left the room to his cart that sat just outside the door. He couldn't run, that would have been incredibly unprofessional. Not like the rest of the night wasn't already.
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Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:50 pm
Alexei was used to outbursts of emotion from others; the courtroom had a way of bringing out the worst in people. Anger, sadness, joy. Every feeling so much more raw there.
He wasn't used to such emotion in his personal life, and it left him conflicted. Mostly because he was at the source of it all.
The workaholic in him told him to suck it up, clean off his desk and go back to work. He raised his hand to massage at his eyes, trying to get in the right mind frame to resume his work--and yet, he still found himself standing swiftly. He stalked after Shiloh, intent to resolve this before he wound up some story on the internet, and stiffened when he realized Shiloh was just outside the door still.
Good, that meant there was still time. Less time for him to prepare what he was going to say, but he was used to thinking on the spot.
"Shiloh," he tried again, allowing the male to keep a bit of space. "You weren't bothering me. I just thought you should know that."
The guilt crawled over his skin; it felt uncomfortable, like a layer of chlorine that clung to you after a swim. "I wouldn't have invited you back if you were bothering me. I can't let you leave thinking you were an inconvenience."
Well--he could, of course. Naturally this wasn't the first time that Alexei's harsh words or cynical approach to life had someone leaving in tears, but for whatever reason, he wanted to make this right.
This wasn't 'New Year, New Alexei'; this wasn't preplanned. He didn't want to change. He didn't know why he was still talking to Shiloh, and he didn't know why he was having such a visceral response to his tears.
There was only so much that he could say--and Alexei wouldn't plead. His pride wouldn't let him. But he could try, at least once more, to make sure Shiloh didn't leave with words in his head that Alexei hadn't said.
If Alexei had wanted him gone, he would have said as much. But Shiloh couldn't have known that; he barely knew him.
"You are making the mistake of assuming you've done something wrong. The only error you made was being unprepared for my cynicism. I'll work on it," he insisted, though it was far from a promise. "So I don't upset you like this again. Contrary to what I assume you must now believe, I don't enjoy upsetting someone."
Not unless they deserved it, but really--Shiloh was the entirely opposite end of the spectrum.
"Please listen, and take what I say to heart. You don't have to stay, you don't have to come back, but I do apologize. You seem like a very kind person. Truly, I cannot fathom why you would not be suffocating in friendships. Please, forgive me."
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Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:50 pm
Shiloh was in his own headspace by the time he reached his cart, wholly entranced by a repeating chorus of self inflicted verbal insults. He was trying so hard within himself to shake them off. The judge didn’t say any of that, the judge hardly called him anything but kind, yet these words hammered about his head like the very spikes on a board. He couldn’t shake them loose no matter how hard he attempted with reassuring himself that he wasn’t as useless as his mind made him sound.
In the end, he concluded, he was. And he was resigned to that, used to how much self loathing that came about his heart in times like these. He’d work through it alone, as he always had. As he finally grabbed a paper towel off the cart to wipe his awful face clean, he heard the footsteps rapidly approach him and he all but whimpered and turned. There weren’t many apologizes left within him, not of the Judge didn’t want to see him curled up in a ball at his feet.
His name was called once more, and Shiloh managed to look up this time, eyes red and tears still flowing from his face. There was no room left in his mind for embarrassment, only hurt and terror resided there. He wanted to go. He wanted to go.
Yet the man would not let him leave. Shiloh was trapped here by his words, buy his insistent reassurances that he was alright, that he had caused no problems. There wasn’t a single instance in his mind where he could remember being so gently coaxed into believing that someone was actually concerned for his feelings, and perhaps it was that fact that prevented the tears from ceasing.
“I’m sorry…” He softly spoke once more, using the paper towel to wipe his face clean. He was not sorry for simply existing this time, but sorry that he had so few words to say, sorry that there was so little he could bring himself to do except to gaze at the judge through his tears in confusion and try to force himself to calm down.
It took quite some time before Shiloh found enough composure to attempt to speak once more. His breaths remained shaky, so he spoke quietly, fidgeting with the paper towel that he still held in his hands.
“I’m sorry…” Once again the phrase was repeated, though this time there was strength to continue. “I am not… I’m horrible with people… And I get hurt way too easily over the smallest of things… I’m sorry, this is a prime example why I really shouldn’t be allowed around people...”
For a moment, he gave a pitiful chuckle, one laughing at his own faults and weaknesses. There was no way Shiloh could tell the judge out of nowhere all that was wrong with him, all that he hated about himself and all that he wished he could fix but had not the strength to, but he could atleast give that brief bit of explanation.
“Thank you for being so nice, but truly, you don’t have to apologize… There’s so much I need to work on before I can even attempt to be social again… If…” he took a deep breath, trying to steady his shaking. “I would… If you would not mind… If you would really want to… I just.. I wouldn’t mind seeing you again… Maybe when I’m not so messed up…”
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Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:51 pm
Alexei watched him quietly, as seemed to be the norm from him for the most part.
He could tell a lot about Shiloh from their meeting, but there wasn't much that he could say without risking offense. He knew he did not want to offend the male. There was clear anxiety, low self esteem. He was sensitive, but Alexei knew that he was abrasive, so it was hardly fair to judge him on that.
But Shiloh seemed to realize where some of his shortcomings lay--only, he was far too hard on himself for them.
"It is only appropriate for one to apologize when they have erred," Alexei said, resting once more against the doorframe into his office. "I won't stress you further this evening. But stop by again another time, when you are feeling up to it. I will make this up to you."
It wasn't really a request; it sounded more like a demand--and a promise. Alexei wasn't the sort to carry guilt for any longer than he needed to, and he would do whatever he needed to in order to absolve himself of these feelings.
...He only needed to make sure he didn't repeat his mistake.
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Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:51 pm
There was a need for Shiloh to insist that the other man didn’t owe him anything, but for once this night, he bit his tongue. He wanted to see the Judge again, to prove that there was much more to him than just some crying fool, but he knew that there wasn’t anything more he could do tonight. Crying was far more exhausting than it seemed, and every inch of the young man just wanted to go home.
But there was still work to do.
“I work most evenings… Not tomorrow though… I should be back when the work week starts again. I-I do hope you get to rest more soon, and maybe aren’t so ornery?” That was okay to say, right? After all, the judge called himself that to begin with. Maybe it wasn’t… Either way, Shiloh just smiled a little nervous smile and gave a small nod, his hands gripping the bars of his cart.
“I-I really should get back to work though, sir… Thank you for the snack, and for letting me see the fireworks with you.” He paused, then smiled just a little bit more. “And thank you for not letting me think I was… Um… Thank you for not letting me be alone tonight. Good night, sir… And Happy New Year.”
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Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:52 pm
The faintest smile twitched onto Alexei's face when Shiloh called him ornery. He was far from insulted; he seemed impressed that Shiloh had worked up the nerve to say something like that--even if he was just repeating what Alexei had said, himself.
"Then, I'll see you next week. Good night, Shiloh. Happy New Year."
Alexei liked to think that he knew when to push and when to step back, and now seemed like an appropriate time to give Shiloh his space. He offered a polite wave and pushed away from the doorframe. He did not close it, but he did return to his desk quietly, intent not to disturb the younger male for the rest of the evening.
Next week, though, he could make no promises.
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