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 Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2017 9:46 pm
As tired as he was, as hungry as he was, and as in pain as he was, Remus was not about to give up now and walk away. There was too much between them that was still unsaid; he could feel it welling, growing, and if he left it as it was, it would only fester and grow and be worse off in the end.
There was hurt, of course, but there was also anger. Because even after all this time, Sessrumnir was still trying to override him.
"You s**t," Remus snapped. "You can't bully me into obeying you, y'know. You think if you just talk to me in that imperious tone of yours, that I'll just roll over and be obedient? I'm not an idiot, and I'm not your lapdog. You treating me like I'm just someone else you can boss around is not gonna fly, nice try."
He sucked in a sharp, painful breath, Remus's face flushed with anger and frustration. He wanted to grab Sessrumnir, shake him, make him understand, but it was relatively similar to talking to a brick wall, or trying to negotiate with the weather. It just didn't happen.
"You can't control everything that I do, Sess," Remus said flatly. "I am not going to be tied down and only moved at your whim. If we're going to be married, then you have got to accept that I can do things at my own pace."
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Posted: Sun Jan 08, 2017 7:17 am
“Is that what you think? How you feel, Remus?” Sessrumnir snapped back despite his desire to avoid discussing anything, pushing himself to his feet so that he was no longer being looked down on by his shorter fiance, limping a step backwards so he could rest against one of the potting tables, wincing at the pain the effort caused.
“I’m a bully and I treat you like an idiot and my lapdog and someone I can boss around, is that it?” The words stung, and while Sessrumnir refused to believe that everything Remus was saying was really true, he had to wonder if there was some hint of it in there. Some truth buried inside himself, already recognizing that he was all those things.
And yet, this was nothing new, either. This was exactly what he’d warned Remus about on multiple occasions. It was only in the heat of fighting, with the potential to be hurt or killed, that Remus finally realized all of the horrible things about Sessrumnir that he’d tried warning him about.
But Remus was stubborn and refused to see that until he was angry and frustrated and needed to blame Sessrumnir for all the things he’d been warned about, but just refused to see.
“Is that still what you want?” he asked, the words slipping from his mouth before he could stop himself. “Do you really still want to marry an a*****e like me? Someone who will try to control your life and bully you into obeying me? Aren’t you afraid of me making you the stereotypical submissive housewife??”
Stop.
“Afraid of me taking away all your freedoms? Telling you how to dress and how to wear your hair?”
Michael, stop.
“You said it yourself! I’m just going to continue bullying you into doing what I think is best, with my imperious tone and make you into someone you’re not! You’re absolutely right! By all means, you’re welcome to change your mind about marrying me!”
Please, stop.
This wasn’t what he wanted. This was just fear and anger overtaking his thoughts. Defensiveness that was going to break him. But he couldn’t manage to say that. Just all the horrible things that he didn’t want to say.
Sessrumnir forced himself to clamp his mouth shut and squeeze his eyes closed, hoping maybe not being able to see Remus’s flushed, angry, hurt face would stop him from throwing everything back at him and actually try to speak his own mind. To try and work things out.
“This might come as a surprise to you, but you’re no easier to deal with, Remus. And you know exactly why I haven’t been able to let up on telling you what to do when I think you’re in danger. You know it has nothing to do with what I think of your abilities. You know I’m trying. You know that I have changed. You know I love you,” he said, his voice strained with emotion that he didn’t want welling up at a time like this. Not when he needed Remus to see that he was trying.
“But I will not just accept that you can do things at your own pace,” he said, finally opening his eyes and standing his ground, even though he knew what he said sounded horrible without an explanation. “You are my partner. You no longer get to make decisions for yourself. Unless you decide to change your mind, every decision you make to fight, to put yourself in danger, despite me trying to protect you, is a decision you make for both of us. Do you really think I wouldn’t listen to you if you seriously told me to do something? Did you not realize that I did and have relented to you doing stupid things and you still took that as me trying to control you? After all this time, do you really think I would ever want to make you into someone you’re not?”
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Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2017 4:45 pm
He could feel the tension, so thick it was almost suffocating, surrounding him, burying him. Remus wanted to take it all back, to retrieve the snarling, spitting words and pretend he'd never said them - except he couldn't, and they were out there, and worst of all, they were true.
In a way. In some ways. In the ways that hurt.
Sessrumnir on his feet was a deliberate movement, Remus knew; it put him several inches both taller and simply just bigger than Remus, something that made Remus's face flush with a mixture of humiliation and annoyance. He stayed where he was, stiff and silent, as Sessrumnir leaned against the wall, looking, for all the world, as though he would like nothing better to do than to throttle his fiance.
Each word was an ice chip, digging into his skin, burrowing into his heart. The pain of them sank into Remus, chilling him in a way that had nothing to do with the raging storm outside, coldness seeping from the space where his heart was and pooling everywhere else, until he felt a frigid sort of numbness that had his pulse skyrocketing.
"Don't - " he said, over Sessrumnir's voice, so that the words clashed noisily. "Don't do that - don't say that - don't - twist my words like that - "
His voice was rising, both in pitch and volume, and he was stumbling over the words, each one of them speaking simultaneously, a clatter of syllables and frustration and the pain of not listening and not being understood and everything wrong with what was happening now.
"Stop it - stop it - Sess - "
You're no easier to deal with, Remus.
It felt like a slap. It felt like a knife in his chest, twisting until it was so painful he couldn't breathe, Remus staring at him, his arms held loosely at his sides, because he couldn't do anything more than just stand there and let it all happen, and the anger was still there, the fury at being told what to do and how to do it, and yet it was being overshadowed now by the guilt of letting it get this far, of the truth of his own actions, because he knew there was at least some truth in what Sessrumnir was saying, even if he had not wanted to believe it - and the agony of hurt, overwhelming and nauseating.
Remus dragged in a breath that rattled painfully in his throat. His eyes, already stinging, were overbright now, and he couldn't stop the tears when they came, no matter how much he hated them, no matter how much he was humiliated by the thought of being reduced to tears by this terrible, awful situation he had put them into.
"I didn't say - I never said you hadn't changed," said Remus thickly, and his voice shook, galling him, but he kept going. "I never said that you weren't trying. Don't throw all of that back into my face - there is - " He dragged in another breath, his chest heaving. " - there is a difference between working together and being partners and lovers and fiances and - and whatever else - and telling me what to do because you think you know better. Because I sure as ******** am trying to, or can't you see that? I know I won't ever be as good as you are."
The last words were shouted, and he hadn't intended that, ringing loudly in his ears, echoing until it was almost deafening. Remus choked on a breath, still trying to get more air into his lungs.
"I know that already," he said, in a half-strangled whisper. "So all I'm doing - all I have - is to just do the best I ******** can with what I have, and that's it. And I can't do that if you intend to control every situation we're in."
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Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2017 8:46 pm
Michael had no idea what he was doing. Part of him wondered if he ever had. Maybe there was something ingrained into him that made him unable to not ruin every good thing in his life. Even though he was not pushing Remus away with that intention, his own inability to shut up and accept that he was wrong and needed to work with his fiance was doing it for him.
The voice in the back of his head was already telling him that he was passing a point he couldn’t come back from, that he needed to stop and salvage what he could before it was too late. Before he did something that would keep him from ever seeing Remus’s smiling face again.
That very thought was enough to twist his heart, so painfully that it felt as though the air left his lungs. Remus was standing there, trying to talk to him, tears in his eyes, falling down his cheeks, staining them red. He didn’t know what to do, but he felt as though everything he’d said and done was beyond forgiveness.
Once again, that horrible feeling that Remus would be better off without him was surfacing, threatening to consume him, even though he knew he would waste away without him by this point.
So why couldn’t he show that? Why did he have to stand there as though he was better than Remus when he definitely was not. Why did he have to say such horrible, hurtful things to him?
Sessrumnir watched Remus, his heart breaking, forcing himself to keep his mouth shut so he wouldn’t dare say anything else that would make things worse.
Finally he swallowed thickly and pushed himself away from the wall.
“I’m going to try and find a way out,” he mumbled as he turned to limp in the opposite direction of where Remus was standing, needing some time to cool off before he did something he would regret. Sessrumnir paused and glanced over his shoulder, his expression pained as he looked at his fiance. “Please… just… we can talk, just give me some time…” kuropeco Fin! Follow up in T minus 3... 2...
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