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Lawrence listened with a thoughtfulness he didn't afford most other people. He could only imagine what his conscience would look like, if he'd ever had one. Had it ever been hard to hurt people or kill things? Maybe it had once, an innate recoil which was worn away by the task of euthanising animals. Somehow killing an innocent creature with nothing but tightly bred-in trust for the hand of humanity was nothing compared to killing a flawed human who had any number of reasons to be dead. Maybe that was how it had gotten easier. All that mattered was that now it was easy and maybe Rodney was right, maybe there was no way to go back.

He nodded and made his way along the hall to try and wash off the grime that he'd accumulated. "Maybe sometimes its too late to make that choice." he said as he went.

It felt like he'd walked into a strange surreal sort of dream. It wasn't that he hadn't been in houses, he'd been in plenty, both of victims and bystanders alike, it had just been a long time since he'd had any sense at all of home, of being welcome or safe in any way. He got changed into the clothes he'd been given and carefully dried himself, taking the same level of meticulous care he had once been able to give himself, when he had been living in a way that wasn't out of a car or someone's stolen living quarters.

He made his way to the kitchen and wandered in, seeming to glow after the shower, his hair back to its bright colour and the dirt gone from under his nails.

"Is that fig I smell?" he asked with a faint smile. "Not your everyday meal."

Lawrence had once been picky, but enough time tracking people across the country had taught him to make do. He still forgot to eat but what he ate when he did didn't matter as much. This compared to that was a banquet, the kind of meal he only permitted himself when he managed to steal a significant amount of money and was near a restaurant. It didn't happen often.

"It's fine." he said, helping himself, ravenous and for once willing to fill that hollow with something, keenly fixated on Rodney and taking any offering he gave eagerly. He did however quirk a brow, finishing his mouthful before asking.

"Really though? I would not have taken you for someone familiar with... well. That sort of crassness."

"It's inelegant and undignified sometimes. People make strange noises, pull strange faces, it is not as it should be. Sometimes it is, those are the best times." He shrugged.

"And yes." He gave his food a slightly concerned look at mention of eating but didn't stop either. "I would that I were less sinful, but this is what survival has made me." It wasn't just survival though, not really, it was so much more than that.

"I wouldn't have thought you lived alone, you are always so insightful." Surely at least he had a congregation he was part of and no doubt a well liked member. "I am surprised you don't have a wife."

Lawrence nodded. Maybe it was meant for some people and not others, he probably should have realised that a long long time ago. "I suppose Paul has a point." he said.

Rodney's follow up comment and the way he said it made him pause again. "A man?" He'd had to live with the disgust at his own deviances for some time before he'd found his other solution to them, sometimes he still did things, as an inadequate substitute for the hunger when it grew.

"I tend to fixate." he admitted."Sometimes it's on a victim, sometimes it is not. I was fixated on you too I think." He took another few forkfuls and a slow sip of the wine.

"Am fixated."

Lawrence found a brief twinge of longing at the yes, followed up by exactly what he'd thought it would be. Yes, it wasn't of god. He was everything that wasn't of god, without any of the self control. He'd ******** Rodney right there and then given half a chance, the same way he'd potentially murder him given the same. Both actions were about keeping, seizing and holding. A permanence and immortality of the moment.

"I'd say the same about you." he said. "Your artistic eye is unmatched and so much more about you goes woefully unappreciated, you say you have things to tell me, I think you are one of the best kept secrets I know, why the world doesn't pursue you and want to befriend you is a mystery to me."

He smiled wanly "You deserve friends of a high calibre. Maybe I'd have been worthy of that once."

It was difficult to understand emotions, and emotions as complex as Rodney's he couldn't hope to understand, it was like trying to comprehend a rainbow as a colour blind man, he simply wasn't equipped to do it no matter how long he looked.

"I've always sought." he said, and saying it twisted some unnamed dagger in his chest. "Just looking and I don't know what for. It ended up being people, but I don't think those were what I needed either."

He looked surprised at Rodney. "You have?" and this time he couldn't keep the surprise out of his voice, it was certainly not something he'd ever think of the other man, not in a hundred years, always seeming gentle.

But there had been strength in his hands. "Who?" he asked, and still he eyed the tears with an incomprehension on a par with a child who is made uncomfortable by an adult's tears but with no understanding of their sorrow.

Lawrence listened to Rodney but did not pity him.

"The world is full of horrible people, I think that if there is a god like you say that he would at the very least spare the innocents." He was not innocent. "I'm sorry you had to go through all of that."

He exhaled, looking away. "I am just one of the horrible people." He'd wanted to kill his father but had been too cowardly to do it. "I killed my children." he said. "And one of their mothers." And it had been recent, they'd be coming for him soon, the world didn't forgive the slaughter of children.

"I've made too many selfish choices. What you did was earned, you sent them to be judged while it was fresh. What I've done.. they will lock me up and will take my dignity and then kill me in the end."