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 Posted: Sat Sep 03, 2016 7:27 pm
No.
If he had thought it hard to breathe before, then it was impossible now, Caspian’s eyes widening. For a few seconds, he thought that, out of his sheer desperation for it not to be true, that he had misheard or imagined that the answer was the one he wanted.
But then Michael kept talking and the answer was the same, and relief - utter, sweet, joyous relief - cascaded over Caspian, so that he felt dizzy with it, his eyes fluttering, his pained expression shifting to one of disbelief, his lips parting in shock, to a profound relief that he tried desperately not to overwhelm either of them with.
Michael hadn’t gone out and slept with anyone. He hadn’t just messed around at all.
I didn’t want to.
I’d rather be with you.
Caspian felt a warmth spread over so intense that he was almost dizzied by it. He pushed himself up a little more, his heart pounding in his chest, and he was suddenly terribly in dire need of learning more, of understanding this fragile, tender bond between them - he needed Michael to say -
“Why?” Caspian said, and his voice came out hoarse, his pulse too rapid.
“Why would you rather be with me?”
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Posted: Sat Sep 03, 2016 10:26 pm
He wasn’t prepared for the question in response. He didn’t think he would have to explain himself, and part of him wondered if he should just brush it off, like he hadn’t really meant what he was sure it sounded like. He could still be with Caspian by being close by to him. It didn’t have to mean anything more than that.
Michael knew his expression had shifted from shame to one of shock with some desperation mixed in. What if he said the wrong thing. What if this wasn’t something Caspian wanted to hear? Would he scare him away? Was it too much? Could this be what finally pushed the limits too far, even more so than his lies and the horrible things he said?
He shifted uncomfortably, unsure of what the emotion filled voice from Caspian meant. He’d asked him why. Why would he rather be with Caspian?
Michael knew he could say anything. Because they were friends. Because he was his mentor. Because he cared about him.
But he’d already pushed the limits with lying to Caspian already. Not that he would be lying, but he would be disguising the truth, and he knew that wouldn’t be a good enough answer.
“Because…” he started lamely, as if forcing himself to say something. “When I left… I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to go. It was like I was blind,” he tried to explain, not thinking that it was fair to just say something. Not after what he’d already done to Caspian that night. He deserved something of an explanation.
“I… this probably sounds pretty stupid, but… I found myself outside your place… I knew I needed your help, but I was a coward and ran again…” Michael said, his voice a bit shaky as he tried to breathe. He still couldn’t bring himself to look at Caspian, but at least wanted him to understand before he screwed everything up.
“I thought about running away, of sailing down the coast, but… other than the fact that my boat was still locked up, I knew I couldn’t leave you to be on your own.”
The words were coming and he couldn’t stop them. He wasn’t used to talking this much, especially about himself. There were very few times where he would say more than a couple things at a time, but a whole story was pretty unheard of. And yet, he couldn’t stop.
“I came back to the city… I got drunk, I slept in the park, I got mugged, I thought about how I couldn’t pull you down with me and how I wanted to get rid of you before it was too late. Before I hurt you and…” He didn’t know what else to say, so he shook his head and lifted a hand to run through his hair in frustration.
“I like you, Cas… you’re witty and fun and kind and attractive and… and I couldn’t be with someone else when I would rather be with you… in any way I can…”
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2016 4:11 pm
He was on the edge once more, a place he was becoming more and more familiar with. The world around them was still moving; time was still ticking away, people were still going on with their lives, and yet everything had come to a crashing, terrifying, exhilarating halt right here in Michael’s bedroom. The question hung between them, fragile as spun glass, the wrong movement, the wrong word able to shatter it into pieces.
And Michael was talking to him, and what he was saying -
It was like a dam had burst; the words were coming now, tumbling from Michael’s lips, and Caspian was frozen in place, his eyes wide, his mouth partly open, as though he’d forgotten how to breathe. The story was unfolding, and it was not quite what Caspian had expected, but not truly sensational either, not unless, not until -
I couldn’t be with someone else when I would rather be with you.
In any way I can.
Without fully realizing what he was doing; without conscious awareness of his actions, Caspian shifted. He pushed at Michael’s legs, moved his knees away from his chest, and then he was sliding once more onto Michael’s lap, except this time, Caspian had his legs on either side of him, kneeling above him. He caught Michael’s face between his shaking hands, and everything was trembling - his fingers, his breath, his heart, his entire body.
“Michael,” he said, and his voice trembled too, because Caspian’s emotions were cascading around him, and he couldn’t stop the onslaught.
”Michael,” he said again, his tone desperate for - what, he wasn’t entirely sure, except he knew what it was that he wanted, more than anything, more than what he had tried to allow himself to have, and the need was there, the heady rush of yearning so powerful, it left him breathless.
“I’m here,” Caspian breathed, terrified he was taking the wrong step and wanting to keep going all the same, needing to keep going, his hands remaining on either side of his face. “I’m right here, I’m right in front of you, Michael.”
”Please.”
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2016 6:27 pm
Part of him wondered if Caspian thought him desperate, since he showed such little resistance to whatever Caspian wanted of him. Was it pathetic that he didn’t pull away? But he didn’t want to.
It happened again, as Caspian pushed his legs away, to climb over him, kneeling above him. Michael finally didn’t have a choice but to look up at Caspian, to melt into those night blue eyes. He felt like the energy was being drained from him, as though he suddenly didn’t know how to move or breathe. His heart was pounding, unable to stop. His face was between Caspian’s hands that trembled.
Even though he’d opened himself up, he still felt afraid and vulnerable and unworthy. But Caspian was right there offering him everything. Everything that Michael didn’t understand. Why did his heart ache in the way that it did? Why did he feel like he was both drowning and being rescued at the same time?
His own hand shook as he lifted them, reaching to Caspian’s waist where the overlarge pair of sweatpants rode a little lower than Caspian probably wanted them to. As if searching for warmth, his hands found the hem of Caspian’s shirt and he slid them underneath. It was probably too much. More than what Caspian wanted, but he needed the closeness right then.
"I need you, Cas...” Michael heard the breath from his mouth. His palms smoothed against Caspian’s sides and around to his back, hoping it was a soothing gesture and not one that was unwanted.
Everything that he’d done to push Caspian away had only ended up strengthening how he felt about him. How he felt for him. Michael was terrified of what that meant, but he thought it would be okay as long as Caspian never left his side, no matter what stupid thing Michael ended up doing.
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2016 7:11 pm
It felt fragile, this moment, but Caspian held onto it anyway, acutely aware of what he might be sacrificing should he be wrong, or pushed too far; acutely aware of the age difference between the two of them of Michael’s history that still had not been talked of, of his own self-consciousness, of two lives that seemed so vastly different and yet seemed to have come and fit together in a strangely tender, intimate way.
It was something that should not have worked, but did; something that, Caspian knew as well, would probably look odd to anyone else, to someone who had not learned of Michael’s heart or been there for their shared experiences.
And right now - right now, Caspian could hardly spare a thought for anyone except for Michael, in front of him, staring up at him. Hands, larger and a little rougher than his own, had found the edges of the borrowed shirt, and then Michael had slipped them underneath, his fingers warm as they skated up Caspian’s sides, then smoothed around to his back as though Michael was trying to warm himself. Every touch sent spangles of feeling through Caspian, his skin tingling, his heart beating so hard against his chest it was a miracle Peter had not awakened from the sound of it.
I need you, Cas. And he could no longer pretend, and he could no longer stop himself.
Knowing full well that what he was doing could possibly shatter it all, Caspian leaned forward, his hands still on either side of Michael’s face.
“Then have me,” he whispered, and bent his head and kissed him.
It was a soft, brief kiss that held with it the tender, precious emotion that Caspian could convey within the shortest, lightest touch of his mouth to Michael’s, though it did not hold all of what he felt. Caspian drew back within a few seconds, lips barely skimming, his heart in his throat, his eyes searching Michael’s as though terrified he’d seen disgust or annoyance or anything else there. He bit his lip, expression mingled apprehension and anxiousness, his fingers trembling against Michael’s cheeks.
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2016 7:38 pm
Unlike anything he’d ever felt or experienced before, Michael stared desperately up at Caspian, as though silently begging for him to not leave, to forgive him, to accept him for all his faults even though he doubted he would ever think he was worthy.
But Caspian… with Caspian, Michael felt as though he were slowly slipping back before the sadness and pain, not quite getting rid of it, but drawing it out and channeling it in a way that was a little easier to maintain.
There, with his face so tenderly between Caspian’s hands, his own hands pressed against Caspian’s back, he felt a peace. There, with Caspian’s lips pressed so gently to his own, as if it was a promise to stay, Michael didn’t feel alone. It was terrifying and wonderful and he never wanted to let go of the moment.
He didn’t know when he’d closed his eyes, but they fluttered open as Caspian pulled back, disappointed that it had been so quick. His face felt too hot, his eyes stung uncomfortably, he couldn’t breathe, and Caspian offered everything to him. He opened his heart to him no matter what Michael had done to him, and would probably still do to him to make him miserable.
“Don’t stop,” he said softly, although he wasn’t clear on just what he wanted to Caspian not to stop. Kissing him, for one, would be nice to not stop, but Michael also wanted to clarify before the emotions that bubbled to the surface could overtake him.
“I need you exactly as you are, Cas… please don’t stop being you…”
No one else would show him such kindness without even knowing anything about him. No one was that understanding, that lonely, too.
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2016 8:44 pm
There was no disgust.
There was no drawing back, no jerking away, no claiming that he’d misread the situation. Caspian saw only Michael’s flushed face, heard only his soft voice that had never failed to get to his heart. His thumbs smoothed over Michael’s warm cheeks, and Caspian felt the breath stutter in his chest at the protest, his heart leaping.
Don’t stop, he’d said. He hadn’t hated it. He hadn’t pulled away.
He hadn’t rejected him.
Caspian gave a slow shake of his head, feeling dizzy and feverish, and he thought he could have formed words, at some point, but they weren’t here now. The shake of his head meant I won’t stop being me for you, even if it wasn’t spoken aloud. His expression spoke volumes as it was, all soft tenderness and anxiousness and everything in between.
Slowly, hesitantly, Caspian tilted Michael’s head up a little; and slowly, tentatively, Caspian lowered his own, his eyes fluttering shut, pressing his lips softly to Michael’s once more, this time lingering, as though expecting it to be pushed away.
Maybe the first time had been a fluke and he’d just been imagining it - but -
Don’t stop.
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2016 8:54 pm
Michael didn’t think it was possible to be treated so gently and tenderly by anyone. He was not used to this. He’d never felt this before. He’d never had his heart in overdrive, bursting with emotions that he could not put into words. Emotions he knew he’d never experienced. Emotions that he never wanted to stop feeling.
It was dangerous and liberating and purer than he’d ever felt.
He tilted his head up at Caspian’s prompting. He could feel Caspian’s shuttering breath against his face, he could feel the shake of his hands, the pulse from his palms against his cheeks, pounding just as fiercely as his own.
Slowly, he withdrew his hands from where they were against Caspian’s sides, and lifted them to gently place against Caspian’s face, blindly brushing the dark hair behind his ears, his fingers caressing his overheated cheeks.
Michael shifted just a fraction of an inch, just enough to press back against Caspian’s lips, a little more firmly than the gentle brush of Caspian’s on his own. He didn’t know what he could have possibly done to deserve this, but with Caspian… he thought that maybe… he could actually be happy.
He pulled back after what seemed like forever, but only to breathe and let out a soft, almost hysterical laugh at just how everything was turning out. Michael kept his hands on Caspian’s face for a little while longer, before gently sliding his hands over his shoulders and down his back so he could try to pull him closer, kissing the side of his face as he did so.
“I don’t deserve you,” he breathed, soft and pained as he tightened his hold around Caspian and hoping he wasn’t going too far, afraid that he would mess something up.
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:36 pm
Michael was not pushing him away.
Michael was moving his hands, cradling his face, brushing his hair back. Michael was tilting his head up and allowing Caspian to kiss him -
-and he was kissing back.
It was still a soft, gentle, tender thing, a sweetness that made Caspian’s heart ache in his chest. He felt his breath shake and catch in his throat, and the feel of Michael’s mouth on his made every part of him alive with sensation and nerves and emotions. It - fit. Everything fit, from the caring touches to the way that Michael’s lips felt against his own. Not confusing, just…right.
Laughter was breathed out, and arms were sliding around him, making Caspian shudder a little, a warm kiss grazed over his cheek that made his heart nearly stop. After a moment, Caspian shyly let his fingers drop from Michael’s face, his arms sliding hesitantly around his neck instead.
“Maybe,” he said softly. “But I don’t deserve you, either, so we both deserve each other.”
Caspian bit his lip, feeling a hazy warmth, feverish in his cheeks.
“You don’t…” he said softly, as though the words almost pained him. “You don’t mind...me? T-this..?”
His voice was uncharacteristically anxious, Caspian’s fingers shaking a little. He wanted to kiss Michael again, had wanted to kiss Michael, if he was being honest with himself, for weeks now, maybe even longer, but it mattered if Michael did not; if he was just going along with the moment.
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Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2016 8:09 am
The warm, light feeling of Caspian against him, his arms around his neck, seemed to grow heavier with Caspian's soft voice, full of hesitation and anxiousness. Michael felt the small smile that made it to his face falter a little when he realized just how worried Caspian had been about all this.
It probably didn't help that Michael was difficult to deal with and kept trying to push Caspian away from him. It was no wonder why Caspian was cautious when it came to this new closeness they shared.
Slowly, Michael lifted one of his hands to reach up and place against the nape of Caspian's neck, gently pressing his fingers in what he hoped was a comforting motion. This closeness was new and strange to him, and he wasn't sure if he was doing it right or if everything he did was wrong. He could understand the anxiousness in Caspian's voice, the nervousness in his touch. Michael felt the same way; unsure if he was going too far or too fast. Afraid he would break whatever this was developing into.
"I thought you..." he started hesitantly, unable to hide the confusion or concern in his voice, but he stopped himself, wondering if he really did have it wrong this whole time. He just thought that Caspian liked being close, liked offering support by touch, as well as with words.
Michael slowly shook his head, drawing in a deep breath, and releasing it slowly to settle himself and his still rapidly beating heart.
"I didn't want you to feel like you had to do this for me... but I've wanted this..." he quietly, sheepishly admitted, trying to think back to when he first felt that way, but was unable to pinpoint the exact moment. It was more like a slow realization that became more and more difficult to ignore.
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Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2016 9:09 am
He took a breath as Michael's fingers slid over his neck, his skin tingling there the way it had when Michael's hands had been on his back. The room was quiet around them, and Caspian was growing more and more acutely aware of the fact that he was still half kneeling above Michael, arms around his neck.
The flush on his cheeks grew steadily more pronounced at Michael's words, Caspian feeling the warm, flutter sensation in his stomach magnify tenfold. He hadn't been mistaken after all; Michael had been intending to kiss him that evening on the couch. It hasn't just been in Caspian's head, and the realization of this made him dizzy and terrifyingly happy.
Slowly Caspian eased himself down so that he wasn't kneeling above Michael anymore but sitting in his lap, looking up at him, legs bent beneath him on either side of Michael's. His arms slid from Michael's neck and hands smoothed up his chest, Caspian's eyes fluttering as he allowed himself this little indulgence.
Fingers curled in the front of Michael's shirt, held on, and Caspian slowly raised his eyes, looking up at him from beneath lowered lashes. His face was flushed, expression shy, but there was a tenderness there, and Caspian shifted closer.
"...kiss me," he said quietly, his voice soft.
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Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2016 3:25 pm
Part of Michael still wondered if he was imagining things. Caspian would tell him at any minute that he wasn't actually serious. That he was indulging him. That he was just offering comfort in the best way he knew how. Or the best way he thought Michael would appreciate.
But Michael wanted it to be real. He wanted the fact that his heart was pounding and his face was flushed to mean something more than just some boyish reaction. He tried to ignore the fact that he felt somewhat uncomfortable, but also didn't want to move. He wondered if the way his body reacted to the warmth and closeness Caspian offered would somehow make Caspian change his mind. Make him realize he didn't actually want anything to do with Michael. Make him realize they were both in over their heads and they should get out before it was too late.
Even if it seemed as though everything between them fit so perfectly.
Caspian was shifting, pulling his arms from around his neck, sitting more comfortably in Michael's lap, his hands going to his chest. Michael, who was very aware of how obvious it was that he was enjoying the closeness between them, thought his heart would somehow manage to burst out of his chest with how quickly it pounded, his blush probably reaching his ears by now.
At least for the moment, Caspian seemed more concerned with remaining close to him than how potentially awkward it could become.
Caspian was looking up at him with those blue eyes, taking his breath away. His expression was shy and somewhat embarrassed and for some reason, it seemed to calm Michael a little.
Knowing how uncertain Caspian was about himself, how he was afraid of being rejected, it pulled Michael out of his heat induced daze, focusing more on Caspian, right in front of him. The way his shoulders seemed to curl just slightly with self consciousness, the long sleeves covering his skin, his hair falling across his flushed cheeks.
The request was quiet and almost unnecessary. Michael could read on Caspian's face what he wanted, what he needed right then.
Unable to deny him, Michael leaned forward, tentative as he moved his hands to Caspian's upper arms, gently rubbing them in comfort and encouragement. His lips pressed against Caspian's, soft at first. A peck, and then another, pulling away just for a moment each time, before finally letting their lips linger, pressed together gently but sure.
This was what he wanted. Michael realized in that moment that he was happy.
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Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2016 8:37 pm
Their proximity was almost intoxicating, if Caspian was being honest. He had let himself grow closer to Michael, both mentally and physically, and he was no stranger to the warm embraces that he knew Michael could give him. But this was on an entirely different level, something deeper, more intimate on a variety of levels. It was more fragile too, as though the wrong thing from either of them could stop the course of what they’d slowly started learning to choose.
Michael’s hands slid up his arms, a gentle, soothing movement. Caspian’s lashes fluttered, and he tried to remain still, tried to calm his heart, but it wasn’t working. His chest seemed not large enough to accommodate for the rapid way in which his heart was beating, his breath coming out a little quicker, his pulse jumping. His fingers curled a little more securely in Michael’s shirt.
Please, he thought, Please don’t reject me now, I don’t know if I could take it.
He was afraid, of course, that he had asked too much from a man who was so used to closing things off, to blockading everything around himself with walls and fortresses set carefully in place. Caspian could see the heat on Michael’s face, feel the strength in his hands as he glided them across Caspian’s arms.
And then he could see nothing at all, because Michael had leaned forward and the world seemed to be loud, ringing in Caspian’s ears.
The first kiss was gentle, a simple, chaste peck. Caspian still felt it reverberate through him, his breath catching in his throat.
The second kiss almost made him gasp, his lashes fluttering.
And then the third, lingering, warm, and sure and the doubts had dissipated, replaced only by a quiet, pulsing, yearning need for more, and for Michael himself. Caspian let himself sink into this kiss, his heart clattering in his chest, fingers tightening in the front of Michael’s shirt.
When they drew apart, his eyes were half-lidded, Caspian absently, instinctively, licking his lips, his head spinning. His gaze flickered up, rested on Michael’s own face, as flushed as his own, and there was nothing but sheer affection and relief and a heat that flickered around the edges.
“Michael,” he said softly.
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Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2016 6:34 pm
Everything he did these days, especially when Caspian was involved, Michael had to wonder if he was going too far and too fast and that sickening feeling of dread and anxiousness washing over him. Caspian was there, in his arms, lips against his, and he still feared that something he would do could end up ruining everything.
He pulled back, feeling stupidly happy and, because of that, unsure of himself. He knew he shouldn’t feel like that, but he wanted to. And he wanted Caspian to feel happy, too. He wanted him to feel warm and wanted and cared for. It was a desire Michael couldn’t recall having so strongly before. Maybe in regards to his family, but even then that didn’t count.
“I know I hurt you,” he said softly, guiltily, and then paused with a small wince, “Again…” His hands rubbed absently, almost nervously up and down Caspian’s arms. He’d just kissed him, just as he’d wanted to do, and Caspian had wanted to kiss him as well, so why couldn’t he accept that maybe Caspian really was everything he needed. And it scared him to know that he relied so much on this… twenty year old mischief maker.
“I don’t usually lie like that,” he tried to explain, knowing just how lame he sounded. “I don’t think it’s fair. I was… desperate. Which isn’t an excuse, but…” he paused, clenching his teeth together, his lips pressing together in a hard line as his brow furrowed in determination.
“I won’t do it again,” he promised, his voice earnest and almost pleading. Michael knew he made mistakes, and he couldn’t let those mistakes cost him one of the best things that happened to come into his life. “I’ll… I can’t promise I can say everything right away, but… I don’t want to lie again. I really do want you to be able to trust me...”
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Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2016 6:46 pm
He wanted, badly, to kiss Michael again. And he wanted, just as badly, for Michael to trust him; for Michael to let go of his lingering self doubts and his self deprecation and allow himself to have this, even if this was all that it was. Caspian was not exactly a prime example of everything right in the world, but he was trying, and he wanted Michael to want to try as well. Whatever it was that was between them was incredibly important in a way that was almost overwhelming.
Caspian lifted a hand and his fingers slid against Michael’s brow; an attempt at smoothing out the consternation in his expression that he knew was a result of that same disregard that Michael held for himself. He hesitated, then raised himself up and pressed his lips to the same spot before settling back down again, comfortable - perhaps a little too much so - in Michael’s lap, Caspian’s hands back against his chest.
“It did hurt,” he said quietly, because anything else was a lie. It had ached, a painful throbbing in his chest. Caspian gave a little shake of his head, his gaze flickering up to Michael again.
“Then promise me,” he said softly. “Promise me you’ll at least try to talk to me about things. I know you’re not ready to give up everything in your past, and that’s fine, you’ll come to me when you can. But none of this...pushing me away. I don’t want that.”
I can’t handle that. Not anymore.
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