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 Posted: Sat Aug 06, 2016 8:59 pm
It’s hard to get laid when you’re hanging out with a college student.
He could not breathe. It hurt too much to try and draw air, a choking, startled sound escaping Caspian’s throat, like someone had grabbed him around the neck. He felt as though he was drowning, as though he was being pulled beneath the waves and he couldn’t break the surface, his desperate attempts at staying afloat only making him sink deeper.
It didn’t matter that, on some level, he knew why Michael was saying what he was saying; that he knew, somewhere inside, it was a tactic like before. Push him away by being cruel to him. It still hurt, still felt like he was being slapped repeatedly across the face, or maybe punched in the gut, a terrible, painful feeling inside of him.
He raised a hand, Caspian’s fingers pressing against his temple, trying, in vain, to stop the throbbing that had risen in his head. He felt lightheaded and dizzy, his face flushed with too much emotion that he could not seem to untangle.
“That’s not what I meant,” he said, his voice still tight, and Caspian swayed a little where he stood, dropping his hand.
“I meant, why are you trying so desperately to push me away this time?”
His voice was shaking. He tried to stop it, and felt younger and less in control than ever, the corners of his eyes smarting humiliatingly, Caspian blinking rapidly as his hands curled into fists at his sides.
“I meant why are you taking the ******** coward’s way out of whatever it is that you refuse to talk to me about? Why can’t you just trust me enough to let me in?”
He waved a hand dismissively. “Why did you have to go off and just mess around with someone el - “
Caspian’s voice broke off as though the sentence wasn’t worth finishing, an almost incredulous sound leaving him.
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Posted: Sat Aug 06, 2016 9:06 pm
The swaying was concerning. Michael’s eyes flashed with worry as he watched him stand there, obviously out of sorts. But he couldn’t get up now. He couldn’t come back from taking the coward’s way out. It was cheap and petty and pathetic.
The most pathetic part about the whole situation were the lies he was fabricating because he knew how much it would hurt Caspian. It was easy and quick and efficient. That was what he needed, because he didn’t want to pull Caspian with him when Michael lost his fight.
He was not a strong man. He’d admitted that before, not just to Caspian. People looked at him and saw muscle and a charming smile and offered hand, but he was a coward who didn’t know how to handle anything life threw at him except by wallowing in miserable self-pity.
Michael Gallo was pathetic.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” he tried, although his voice was weaker than it had been before. He hated himself more now than ever.
“You’re going to hurt yourself. Sit down, Cas…” he said, a slip of the nickname he’d grown fond of, especially after being given permission to call Caspian that in the first place.
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Posted: Sat Aug 06, 2016 9:30 pm
He laughed.
The sound came out of him unexpectedly, bursting bitterly from his throat. Caspian waved a hand at Michael, still laughing, his head spinning dangerously, but he ignored this, and the shaking of his fingers.
“You’ve got,” he said, “a lot of nerve.”
His face was flushed as Caspian lowered his hand, staring across the room at Michael, and his eyes were overbright, stinging at the edges. He hated that he was so unbelievably emotional, that he couldn’t control this, that he couldn’t control himself, his heart fraying around the edges. It didn’t matter that he knew at least some part of what Michael had said was probably not true; was just him trying to push him away.
But how much of it was a lie and how much of it was true?
It’s hard to get laid when you’re hanging out with a college student.
Caspian’s fingers found the door. He was not leaving; he simply needed something to hold onto, his fingers curling around the knob and gripping so tightly his knuckles were white.
Did you really try to kiss me or were you just messing around?
He swallowed hard against the rise of emotions.
“It wasn’t a lie,” he whispered hoarsely, and it was almost like he was speaking to himself. “You. You weren’t a lie. Nothing you say will ever convince me that you being close to me was a lie, because it wasn’t.”
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Posted: Sat Aug 06, 2016 10:05 pm
The laugh startled him. He should know better than to let it affect him the way it did, but he couldn’t stand that harsh, bitter laugh from Caspian. This wasn’t what he wanted.
No, it was… it was exactly what he wanted. He wanted Caspian to leave and to not look back. Of course he would be stubborn. Of course he would say things that shook Michael to the core and not give up.
Michael’s hands moved from his lap to the edge of the bed, gripping tightly to the sheets and edge of the mattress. His resolve was slipping. He didn’t know if he could sacrifice Caspian’s warm smiles and heartfelt laughter, even if it meant saving him in the long run. Caspian just didn’t understand it yet. He was so young and filled with life and energy…
And sadness and loneliness and longing for companionship, just like Michael.
He couldn’t pull his eyes away, more concerned about how Caspian was fairing than the slip of carefully placed emotions he wore. He could see the emotion in Caspian’s eyes, the tortured lines of his face.
“I told you…” Michael said softly, guilt eating away at him, knowing that he caused this. He caused so much stress and worry, all because he wasn’t able to control himself. “I told you, I’m not a good person…”
He’d warned Caspian multiple times. Peter warned him. Caspian just wouldn’t let go… It scared Michael to know that he didn’t want Caspian to let go…
“I told you the more you knew about me, the less you’d like me… I told you…”
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Posted: Sat Aug 06, 2016 10:18 pm
He could sense it, feel it; Michael’s resolve, his determination to shut Caspian out, was slipping. The tone of his voice said more than it had before, emotion slipping through, and he could hear the change, as though it was something physical in the air.
Don’t push me away. Not after everything we’ve been through together, not after…
Caspian’s hand fell away from the door.
I want you and that scares me.
I want you, and I don’t know what to do about it.
I -
He stepped towards Michael, crossing the room slowly, until he stood in front of him. Caspian’s arms were loose at his sides, though his fingers were trembling; he curled them into his palms to stop the movement, his eyes fixed on Michael, his heartbeat erratic.
“Look me in the eye,” he said quietly. “Look me in the eye and tell me that you actually want me to leave, and I will. But I want you to look me straight in the face and tell me that everything we’ve been through is a lie and that you don’t want - “ He couldn’t say me. Or this. “ - me to stay, and then I will leave.”
His eyes did not stray from where Michael sat.
“If you can do that without batting an eye, then I will walk out this door and that’ll be it.”
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Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 7:15 am
Caspian started to move away from the door, and at first Michael thought that he was going to collapse, what with how he’d been swaying on the spot just moments before. But instead he walked slowly, but confidently towards him. Michael could feel his breath catch in his throat, unable to pull his eyes away from Caspian as he approached.
He couldn’t read the expression on Caspian’s face. Determination? An ultimatum was given. It should be easy. Michael opened his mouth to say exactly that. To tell Caspian that he didn’t want Caspian to stay, that he wanted him to leave and not return.
But the words wouldn’t come. They were caught, stopped by the pounding of his heart in his ears.
“I…”
He knew he should. He had a chance to make Caspian leave. He was certain that Caspian would do as he promised. That he wouldn’t look back. That this would be it and he wouldn’t have to worry about dragging anyone down with him in the end. He could go back to being alone…
But what did that mean for Caspian? What would happen to him? What if Michael was wrong about all this? If this wasn’t the way to fix his problems. If he could do something other than running away and pushing everyone else out.
His eyes were locked onto Caspian’s for what seemed like an eternity, before he finally closed his mouth, his expression shifting to one of shame, his face already darkening in color. Caspian was stubborn and obnoxious and unpredictable and wonderful and kind and offered Michael something he hadn’t experienced in a long, long time; the opportunity to actually be happy.
Michael lowered his eyes, unable to look Caspian in the face any longer. Not with how his cheeks flushed from shame and embarrassment at his failures. He shifted forward on the bed, lowering his head to rest gingerly against Caspian’s chest. His hands had unclenched from the edge of the bed and lifted to grip onto the hem of Caspian’s shirt before he realized what he was doing, as though trying to keep him there. To keep him from leaving.
He couldn’t do it. He wanted Caspian to be happier more than he wanted to hide in his own cowardice. If only Caspian could possibly be happy being around someone like him...
“Don’t… please...”
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Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 10:55 am
They were on the edge of the precipice again, standing precariously close to the edge. It was similar to the moment that they’d had the morning after the boxcar, with his fingers around Michael’s wrist, gripping as though for dear life, waiting and wondering whether this would be the end or the beginning of something more.
Every part of Caspian was held rigidly, as though waiting for the inevitable rejection, and he wasn’t aware that he was holding his breath, chest tight with apprehension.
Don’t, he thought desperately. Don’t. Tell me you want me to stay. It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t a lie, it was all right there, I wasn’t imagining things -
And he saw it.
The change, the shift from stiff refusal, sliding, slipping into something much more real, much more painful. Michael’s closed off expression was changing, color flooding his cheeks, and Caspian felt hands on the edge of his shirt as Michael’s fingers closed around the hem and gripped tightly.
Don’t.
Relief - pure, sweet, wonderful relief - cascaded over Caspian like a physical wave so that he almost swayed where he stood. He dragged in a shaking, sharp breath, almost disbelieving, and the stinging in his eyes was growing more pronounced now, his heart slamming repeatedly against his too-tight chest.
You don’t want me to leave after all.
For a moment, Caspian stood still. But then his own hands reached down, and slowly they took ahold of Michael’s. Slowly, they pulled them away, held on for a brief moment and then were let go as Caspian moved closer. Without a word, knowing he was probably pushing it too far but not caring enough to stop, Caspian slid sideways onto Michael’s lap, wrapped arms around his neck, and buried his face in his shoulder.
“You idiot. I’m not going anywhere.”
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Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 12:30 pm
Michael could feel Caspian’s hands on his own, pulling them away from where he held onto the hem of his shirt, and for that moment, he thought that Caspian was going to tell him it was to late, that he was already tired of everything Michael had put him through. That he just wanted to hear Michael say if he wanted him to leave or not, and then leave anyway.
He lifted his head to look, desperation on his face now as he looked up to see what Caspian was doing.
And then he felt arms around his neck, and Caspian was pulling himself into his lap. For another moment, Michael didn’t know what to do, other than to instinctively wrap his arms around Caspian to keep him from falling off his lap.
His eyes stung, which was stupid because he wasn’t even upset. He was ashamed and relieved that Caspian was there. He’d failed at pushing him away, and Michael could only hope that it was the right choice.
Michael tilted his head down to the point where he had his face buried against Caspian’s dark hair. He smelled nice. He wasn't entirely sure how else to describe it, but he breathed in deeply, letting the fresh scent overtake his senses. He was incredibly warm and comfortable sitting there with Caspian on his lap, in his arms, as if that would be enough to stop the pain they both felt.
“I don’t deserve you,” he said softly, his voice muffled as he kept his face against Caspian’s hair.
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Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 12:44 pm
He felt Michael’s arms curve around him, felt the press of Michael’s face into his hair, and a small shiver traveled it’s way down Caspian’s spine. His own eyes were still stinging around the edges; Caspian pushed his face more securely into Michael’s shoulder where it slid into his neck and tightened his grasp, his fingers curling into Michael’s shirt.
A single inhale and he could breathe in the all-too familiar scent of cedar and citrus, and of fresh water and soap from the shower he’d just taken. Caspian found he was trembling a little, half out of nerves, half out of relief.
“Don’t care,” came the muffled answer, Caspian not lifting his head. “You’re the one I’m sticking with.”
You’re the one I want.
You’re the one I need.
It was terrifying. It was liberating. He felt a little warm and wasn’t sure whether it was from the sheer relief of Michael not kicking him out, or if it was simply the close proximity to him.
He wanted, desperately, to ask did you really go and sleep around? but found he could not form the words, too frightened that the answer would be yes. Caspian let his hand rise, slide gently through Michael’s hair before dropping again, his arms tight around his neck and shoulders.
“I was,” he whispered, “so ******** worried something had happened to you. I’m so glad you’re okay.”
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Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 2:18 pm
“You’re so damn stubborn, Cas...” he groaned as Caspian clung to him tighter, and yet… even though he was afraid that he was making the wrong choice, he also really did trust him. Caspian had not let him down yet, no matter what happened, no matter what stupid thing came up. Michael didn’t believe that he was good enough for him, but Caspian kept hanging on.
He felt the guilt and shame boil back up when Caspian told him how worried he’d been. How he was glad he was okay. There were so many things going through his mind over the past few days. And yet… he didn’t know if he had any right to tell Caspian that the reason he came back was because of him. Because no matter how much he tried to pull away, he kept wanting to return. Pushing Caspian to his limit had been the last chance at breaking whatever they had.
In the end, Michael couldn’t do it.
“I’m so sorry…” he choked out, quiet as his arms tightened around Caspian in his lap. “I’m so sorry… I needed you, but I was a coward… I couldn’t…” he pathetically explained, knowing that he probably wasn’t making any sense. He kept going back by Caspian’s house, too afraid to approach and hoping that maybe he would happen to look outside, but that would have been too easy.
“I’m sorry…”
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Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 2:30 pm
He knew it was possibly madness to be sitting like this, his legs slung over Michael’s, sitting sideways in his lap with his arms around him; that it would possibly send a myriad of messages that were confusing and more than Michael wanted. But Caspian was far beyond caring at present; his emotions had been through a roller coaster ride, and right now all he wanted, more than anything, was this: the feel of Michael still there, solid and strong, the warm security of his arms around him, the quiet voice, however pained it was.
“Hush,” he said quietly now, Caspian’s fingers sliding again into Michael’s hair. “I’m here now.”
He still felt overheated, his hands still shaking a little. Caspian blinked rapidly against the stinging in his eyes and did not lift his head from Michael’s shoulder, wondering how long he would be allowed to have this closeness.
He wanted it for a long time. He wanted more than this.
He couldn’t have that.
But he wanted it, more than he had ever wanted anything else in his entire life.
Michael still needed to tell him what had happened, but at the very least, he was not pushing Caspian away. His fingers smoothed along the nape of Michael’s neck, absently shifting to get rid of the slight shaking.
“Let me stay with you tonight,” he said softly. “Please.”
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Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 3:07 pm
Michael kept his face hidden as best he could against the softness of Caspian’s hair. He could feel Caspian’s fingers in his own hair, smoothing over his head and calming him in a way he didn’t think possible. He could feel Caspian’s face pressed against his shoulder, his breath hot and filled with pained emotion against his neck.
He didn’t know what he did. He didn’t know why Caspian wanted to be friends with him of all people. Wanted maybe more than that from him of all people. He was broken and pathetic and a liar and a coward, and yet Caspian still clung to him, literally and metaphorically. He was holding onto him like an anchor, keeping him steady and safe.
At one point, Caspian had told him how he kept Caspian anchored and stable, but there were times like this where Michael was sure it was the other way around. Or maybe it worked for both of them. Their friendship had been unlikely from the start, and yet it had developed into so much more.
His breath caught in his throat at Caspian’s request, his eyes still stinging with shame for what he’d done. He was sure if he tried making his arms even tighter around Caspian, that he would hurt him. He didn’t want to let go.
“I don’t want you to leave,” he agreed with a small nod of his head. He thought his heart was going to go right through his chest with the way it was pounding, wanting to desperately cling to something that was good and pure in his life.
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Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 3:19 pm
I don’t want you to leave.
He did not ever want to leave. Caspian wanted to stay here like this, curled up against Michael, with Michael’s arms around him, for as long as he could have it. They could not remain like this forever, but it felt almost the way it should have felt; warmth and security, with both of them learning to lean on one another. It was not exactly an overnight process; but still, it was more than what had been there at the beginning.
At some point - he did not know when, his face still flushed, his head still spinning a little, Caspian shifted, lifting his head and sliding his arms lower. He shook back the long sleeves of his shirt, which draped past his fingers, as usual and pressed both hands to Michael’s face, thumbs smoothing gently over his cheeks beneath his eyes. He looked up at Michael with a tender, affectionate expression, then reached up and brushed a stray strand of hair away from Michael’s temple.
“You know, you should leave your hair like this more often,” Caspian said softly. “I like it a little messy, it looks good on you.”
He needed to get up and go see if he could borrow some pajamas or sweats from Peter, but Caspian was reluctant, for many reasons, to leave Michael’s lap. He was still relatively certain that Michael did not want him the way that Caspian wanted Michael, but…
“Think your bed is big enough for both of us?” Caspian asked with a little laugh; though there was no question of where he - where both of them would be sleeping, the look in Caspian’s eyes intent; he was keeping his promise. He was not going anywhere, and maybe it was simply taking advantage of this situation, but he wanted desperately to wake up and have Michael be the first thing he saw.
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Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 4:24 pm
He could feel Caspian shifting, moving his arms to lift from around his neck, reaching up to touch his face, thumbs smoothing over his cheeks, and then lifting to brush at his hair again. Michael could feel his heart beating very quickly, loud in his ears and he wondered if Caspian could feel it too.
The longer he stayed like this, the less he ever wanted to let this go. It was stupid, he was sure, that he felt this way. Feelings were dangerous and unpredictable, but he couldn’t help it. Not with Caspian. Not with his kind heart and refusal to let go. Michael only hoped that this would be okay, in the end.
Caspian was looking at him with those blue eyes of his; affectionate and warm. Michael felt like he could get lost in those eyes and that would be okay. He would happily stay lost forever.
“You think so?” he wondered, his voice still thick with emotion, his cheeks still red, and his eyes still pricking slightly in the corners. He hadn’t really thought about his hair, although he felt as though a change of style would be good for him. He’d kept it short for so long… maybe he needed to grow it out a little, keep it a little more messy, if that was what Caspian liked.
“I haven’t been able to shave in the last few days… does that bother you?” he wondered. It wasn’t very thick stubble but more than what he was used to wearing. He was planning on shaving, of course, but Caspian showed up…
As for his bed, he couldn’t help but let out a soft laugh and shook his head. “My bed is over twice the size of yours, so yeah,” he said as he gazed down into Caspian’s eyes, unable to tear his own away. And he didn’t even care that there was no question on where Caspian would be sleeping. Of course he would be staying with him.
“I’m sorry I worried you,” he apologized again, his voice still soft as he moved one of his hands up and down Caspian’s side, almost nervously in its motion. “I didn’t know what to do. I panicked…”
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Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 6:21 pm
Michael’s face felt warm beneath his hands, almost as warm as Caspian himself felt. He felt a small smile tug at the corners of his lips, and his fingers slid down across Michael’s jaw, grazing the stubble there. It gave him the relaxed, rakish appearance of someone at ease with themselves, as did the messy, carelessly swept hair.
The expression Caspian wore was absurdly fond.
“I like it,” he said truthfully. “It’s...very…”
His eyes flickered across Michael’s face, his gaze tracing his features.
“...very attractive,” finished Caspian softly, and he was pushing the line so much he was almost across it now. But Michael’s hand was sliding up and down his sides in soothing, reassuring gestures, and he was still a little flushed and dizzy from the seesaw of emotions. He knew he would be embarrassed in the morning, but right now he did not want to be.
Right now, he just wanted to know that Michael was safe and still wanted him around. The fact that Michael was willing to let him sleep in his bed too was endlessly comforting to him, even if, somewhere in his mind, Caspian wondered whether or not it was a good idea.
He pushed that aside.
Caspian’s fingers tugged on a lock of mahogany hair as he leaned back a little. “I know,” he said quietly. “I get it. You were afraid. But you’re back now,” he added, the relief still in his voice. “You’re back. And you’re okay.”
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