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Posted: Sun May 08, 2016 7:50 pm
He stopped drawing again.
The look he gave Thorne was wary and testing, eyes still distrusting but on the brink of maybe wanting to believe what was being said to him. Thing was, Shiloh grew up his whole life knowing the only person he could really trust was himself. Sure, he had his brother, but... ugh. It made him feel so goddamn guilty, but Oliver had his own life and things to tend to. Shiloh tried hard to make things easier for him, because in Shiloh's eyes, Ollie did have something going for him. He was... he was smart, he tried hard, he excelled in school, and he was good at his hobbies. He was a lot of things Shiloh wasn't, and there was a great deal of envy there as a result of it.
Christ, he didn't want to think about these things. The point was, the only person who could possible have your back was yourself. He didn't know Thorne, and yet he was extending himself out like this. Shiloh didn't want to believe him, but his words still sort of hit home. His eyes were locked on the scar that dragged down his neck, and he momentarily thought about his own, and then they went back down to the paper again.
"Mom left when we were young, but I don't blame her." he started quietly, not really drawing when he started moving the pen again, just sort of scratching it back and forth into the paper until it made a little groove. "Dad's a drunk. He yells a lot. I get it—but why didn't she take us with her?" it was a question that haunted him. He chewed at his lip. He already knew the answer, actually. She was doing what he did—save yourself, look out for yourself. Only person you can trust was yourself, remember Shiloh?
"And all the teachers at school—" he paused, correcting himself as Mr. Watts came to mind, "—most of the teachers at school just say I'm a distraction. They don't care if I'm there or not. So why should I?" he rubbed at an itch on his nose. "No one would care if I was gone." that was a lie, and it burned on his tongue. Ollie would care, that Jamie kid he met would probably care, Watts would notice too, wouldn't he? Maybe... "...or they'd at least get over it if I was."
He unfurled on the couch a little bit, looking down at his drawing from a different angle. He wasn't sure why he was spilling his guts (or well, attempting to) but once he started, it was hard to stop. His heart was starting to hammer in his chest as he glanced at Thorne out of his peripherals.
"Telling you this doesn't really matter..." he relented, closing back off again for the moment. "I just want to draw."
And so he started once more. elkbones wheezes hard he doesn't know how to react to Love
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Posted: Sun May 08, 2016 11:08 pm
Thorne waited patiently through it all, though his stomach dropped when Shiloh talked about his mother, his father. He paused, watching, wondering how to respond, what to say. His jaw worked, and he pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth. I'm sorry was a default that counselors and teachers alike said, superficial and overused. It didn't help the situation. It didn't make anything better. So he didn't say it, because there had to be something better for him to say. Something better for him to offer, to give if he could. He tilted his pencil in his hand, eyes flickering to Shiloh. "I..." he trailed off and started again. "When I was eleven, my mother died." He sat forward, keeping eye contact with Shiloh, his expression masked, soft. He struggled for the words, thinking of his violent episode in Lucas's apartment, the way he'd been terrified. It made his hands shake now, but Shiloh - this kid he barely knew - was opening up to him about a world he'd probably never shared with anyone else. "My father had been a drunk before. He'd been abusive. I took the brunt of it for my brother, Tenzing, because he was young and stupid, and I just wanted him to get out." Thorne smiled. It was hard. "That's all I wanted. When she died, there was nothing to hold back even a fraction of what he did to me. My teachers - counselors even - saw the bruises and turned a blind eye." He paused. And then he forged ahead. "I didn't think I cared that I wanted to be alive, to be something, anything, to someone. You grow up with enough people telling you what you are and you begin to believe it." He looked up at Shiloh and said, "I would care. Not because of pity, or concern, or some shallow need to play the savior. But I care, because I've been somewhere just as dark." His eyes half-lidded, he said, "You matter. And you should know that. Even if they don't treat you that way, even if it doesn't feel that way. You matter. And there's a better place out there for you." He smiled and leaned back again, placing the pencil against his lips. "It matters to me," he said finally. And then he tilted his head and said, "Alright. Let's draw. Remember. Back door." And then he looked down and continued to turn the sketch into something more concrete, wondering if maybe - maybe he could scale the wall Shiloh carried with him. Maybe.
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Posted: Mon May 09, 2016 5:53 pm
Shiloh listened, and waited, and listened, and waited.
His heart hurt and it was terrible. Had he opened up to anyone who wasn't his brother? Sorta. He'd drop hints, be real obvious sometimes. People had to have noticed; so what did it mean? That they just didn't care? Could he blame them? They didn't want to get involved. Wasn't their business. If Shiloh was at the same crossroads, would he have gotten involved? He liked to think he would, but... maybe that was selfish. He wasn't a hero and he didn't have a bleeding heart out for the good of the people.
Then again, there was Ollie. And Jamie. Taking the brunt of it for his brother. Being ignored. Not even wanting to exist; yeah, he felt that last one pretty hard sometimes. A lot of the time. Most of the time? God, when was the last day he didn't have to struggle through his depression just to do simple ******** s**t?
"B-Back door, yeah." he agreed with a mumble, content to let things lapse into silence for a while. His head hurt and it was full of thoughts and trepidation; does he spill his guts? Does he keep it bottled? Thorne said he cared, but to what extent? When would it become too much? People always, inevitably gave up on him. It hurt to trust. All he had to put Thorne to was his name.
And his strikingly similar memories. His pen scratched against the paper.
...
Well, they weren't the same, but... maybe, maybe this was someone who could actually understand him. Someone who was him—or close to it—that survived. Sometimes, Shiloh worried he wouldn't make it that far. At least worrying meant he was still kicking. Funny how this whole ordeal started off with stealing some pencils, huh?
"Sometimes," his voice sounded a little strained. It cut through the silence like a knife—but it was quiet, so quiet. Soft. Barely even a whisper. "Sometimes dad does that too... but it's on both of us—Oliver and I—we're twins and it just... he's got all this going for him and—I try to deal with it alone but..." he swallowed hard, thoughts scattered and streaming out of his mouth faster than he could keep up with.
"S-Sorry, it's just, I— sorry. It just. It <******** sucks." he finally stammered out, even though it was quite the understatement. "Sometimes I just want to give up, or run away, or— or just hide, ******** something. But then, sometimes I don't want to give up, and..."
He was worrying the pen between his fingers. Eyes almost—though not quite—a little bit shimmery. "I'm not... I'm not scared of my dad. Sometimes I think I'm scared of my brother—y'know, like, disappointing him—but... b-but then, I think... mostly I'm just scared of myself." It was for a multitude of reasons he already had been over, or hinted at, or spoke of. He took a deep, shaken breath, nervously wringing his wrist.
"I-I don't know why I'm saying any of this. I can't really stop, I— " <********> he was losing his grip.
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Posted: Tue May 10, 2016 8:31 pm
Thorne had never stopped listening. Even when they'd lapsed to silence, the older man waited for breaths that held too long, went too short. Wondering if they'd reached the end of their conversation today. It was strange that a kid that had tried to steal from him had ended up here, and that Thorne was the crazy guy that let him. But it felt right, as some things in Ashdown - Lucas, Ry, Millie, - did, so he let it be. But then - then Shiloh spoke again, and Thorne felt his heart ache. He waited - barely still - but he waited until the other tapered off, his pen worrying between his fingers, his mouth parted into a deep and nervous breath. Thorne waited until he could speak without sounding like a storm, speak without thinking that he would ask where Shiloh's dad solely to deliver ******** justice for the terrible things this kid must have seen, must have felt, at someone elses hands. "Shiloh. Shiloh, you don't have to apologize. This..." Thorne put down his sketchbook and turned to the other, jaw working tightly for words, "I know. I know it ******** sucks. I know." Thorne wanted to hug Shiloh. He wanted to close the distance and make the kid realize he was safe, that he didn't have to apologize for speaking out loud. But he also knew that he was still just a stranger. He wouldn't make Shiloh afraid of him, the way he had been afraid of everyone when he'd been younger. When touch still made him weak and scared. He wanted to swear, but how unprofessional would that be? Instead, Thorne raked a hand through his hair and got up, moving across the room for a second to rummage around in one of his bags. When he returned to the couch, there was a silver key ring glinting on his index finger, and a key attached as well. "This is yours," he said softly, "if you want it. 210 Fox Way, alright? Windows always open. I know - I know it's the biggest cliche in the world, I know it doesn't sound true or right or anything... but things will get better. But - but sometimes they won't. Sometimes everything just goes on. And it gets better or it doesn't. And sometimes it feels unbearable. I know. I've been there, and sometimes I still am. And that's when you lean on others." Thorne paused. "And that's what this is." He closed his eyes, sucking in a breath. Every part of him was wound with the animal need to protect this kid, so deep and violent that it nearly made him double over. Nearly made it impossible to breathe. He didn't want Shiloh to go back there. He would do anything, if only he could. "There's an extra bedroom, and enough room for twins, yeah?" Thorne tilted his head at Shiloh, leaning forward so that his elbows rested on the inside of his thighs, the flash of scars showing. "If you feel like giving up, if it gets too much, if its too heavy to bear, come to me. If for any reason you need a ride somewhere, just a safe haven, just a person to listen - you know where to find me." Thorne sucked in a sharp breath and looked up at the eighteen year old. "There's a difference between running away and saving yourself," he said quietly, "But that's not a line I can draw for you. That's something... that's a divide you have to choose for yourself. But I'll be here. For anything you need. I'll be here." It was all he could give. And it still didn't feel like it was enough.
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Posted: Wed May 11, 2016 3:12 pm
"...w-what?"
Shiloh took a long, deep, deliberate breath after that, eyes trained on the silver key in Thorne's hands and the address that still rang clearly in his ears, 210 Fox Way... Windows always open; it really did seem like a massive cliche. Maybe even a little like a trap? But what would Thorne have to gain from that. Actually, he was entrusting someone who obviously had tried to steal with a key to his own home, in addition to the break room here at his work.
Would he really venture that far without feeling some sort of sincere solidarity? They key was suddenly in Shiloh's hand, and he was looking down at it wonderingly, turning it over with his fingers with such care—like it'd shatter under his grip and he'd be left alone in the dark again.
What a weird thought, not being alone.
But the truth was, he still didn't know Thorne that much, he still didn't know him for more than a few hours at this point. Not to mention, Shiloh had made it this far alone. He'd be alright— didn't need anyone else to shoulder his burdens. This was his fight, it had to be his fight. Cautiously, he made a fist, refusing to wince as his scabbed knuckles bent around the object. Leaning on others...
Deep breath. He was fine. He had to be. He had to be strong enough to deal with this alone.
Except, he really wasn't.
It was hard to find words in this sort of situation. One second his heart had burst out, the next it was hazardously sutured back up. It was hard to meet Thorne's eyes, so they remained focused on his fist, and then finally at Thorne himself but—not his face. Anywhere else; he just couldn't look at his eyes. Focus on his body language, though honestly, it was hard not to. Shiloh's hypervigillance was something that came without a switch. He had to be aware, had to be focused, but it was so damn exhausting. His slip up earlier—getting caught—that was proof of his haggard head. Thorne looked like he was on edge, but also sincere, like he was trying to hold something back.
"I..." he started again, weakly, only to pause. He wouldn't cry, he resolved, but it didn't help the gaping wound he felt in his chest. His eyes were scanning the scar that dragged along Thorne's neck, and then to the tattoos that touched his shoulder, all the way down his arms.
His blood ran cold when they came upon the lines there—they were so subtle against the ink, yet so obvious against his skin—and Shiloh couldn't help but wring his own wrist nervously because suddenly his skin was starting to itch with that scratch that just wouldn't go away. It was a deep feeling and far below the surface and it never mattered how hard he tried to ignore it, or how hard he tried to rid of it, because it would itch and itch and itch no matter how hard he tried to carve it out.
"I......" he tried again, voice cracking. "You don't even know me." he whispered, swaying a little on the couch as he looked down at the drawing he messily sketched out earlier. "I-I'm some kid who tried to steal from you, and—"
It was clear Shiloh understood, but the inner workings of his mind were trying so hard to refuse the possibility that someone (let alone someone like Thorne) could understand or comprehend, or want to help. "B-But..." it made no sense, and yet all the sense in the world.
210 Fox Way. 210 Fox Way. 210 Fox Way. His head was repeating it like a mantra so he'd never forget it. "...maybe. Maybe..." was all he could promise as the key found his pocket, tucked away and safe. He hated how he'd put his fickle trust in this short lived bond, but maybe...
He look a deep breath again, shutting the sketchbook closed with a muffled, airy sound. Finally, his eyes rose to meet Thorne's, looking irrevocably sad and tired, but perhaps... in some strange way, a little comforted.
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