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 Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2016 1:40 pm
Wh-- jumping slightly, Nim frowned at the idea that Callum had gotten so sick. Truly, his lover had the worst luck when it came to his own well-being! Allowing himself to be maneuvered, Nimueh shook his head and kissed Callum's temple reverently, clucking his tongue in disapproval. "You've never seen a-- Callum, how have you kept yourself alive for so long?"
It was rhetorical - honestly, Nimueh didn't want to hear about how many times Callum had been laid up, feverish and sick, when he could have been all by himself with no one to watch or care for him...!
He wanted a subject change, but the subject Callum picked wasn't the one he was hoping for. Nim hadn't asked the healer about it, as he was too afraid to embarass himself infront of a complete stranger, but he could tell from the fact she hadn't once asked about their 'relations' that pregnancy hadn't been a possibility. Sure, it also meant that she simply hadn't thought about it, but...
Urgh. He'd have to admit it. "Don't laugh. But I thought... I thought that you..." Hiding his face against Callum's hair for a long moment so he could give himself a mental pep talk, Nim finally worked himself up enough to speak again. "I thought you might be ...'with child', as the earthlings put it."
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2016 2:30 pm
"Sheer force of will?" It wasn't a question that he hadn't asked himself a thousand times already. By all accounts Callum should have died as a child when his neck had been caught in the noose. Some higher being wanted him to live; he just wished they could think of a less jumbled up way to do it.
Callum reached up to cup the back of Nimueh's head, weaving his nimble, calloused fingers through his dreads to massage his lovers scalp. "I promise not to laugh. It worries you, so it worries me too." What could he possibly...? "You....come again?"
His mouth was already open due to the mouth breathing, but now he was genuinely gaping. "You...though I was...pregnant." Pregnant? How could he not have known that....? Alkidikes. Of course they wouldn't have explained that sort of thing to him, but Callum just assumed that being around earthlings that his partner might have pieced things together. But how would he have known...?
Callum couldn't help a bark of laughter that slipped out. He slapped Nim's arm playfully and shook his head. "That's amazing. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry you asked me not to laugh, but I...I thought you were disgusted by this." He motioned to his body with a general sweep of his hand. His laughter had slipped into a light, amused chuckle that had a definite rasp to it. Callum broke into a cough, but even that didn't kill the chuckling.
"Nimueh, male earthlings lack certain parts needed to carry a child. Only a man and a woman together can make a baby earthling, so for us to...well, for us to have a child together we would have to adopt or find a surrogate." Parenthood...that's what had his poor, sweet lover so torn up. It was vastly adorable, and sort of...saddening in a way. Callum would never be able to give him a child, like he would if he were a woman, and while it hadn't been an issue before doubt slipped in now. "...I'm sorry, I thought you knew. If you want to have a child of your own I won't stop you from finding a woman to...to..." He twisted his hands but couldn't find the words to say it.
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2016 2:58 pm
Andddd he laughed. Nim's face instantly flushed in embarassment, but ... because it was Callum laughing, he couldn't feel truly hurt by it. Instead he growled in response to the slap to his arm, but it lacked any true venom. "You were ill, and we've been 'together' for a while now and I-- rrgh!" With Callum in his lap, and his arms held securely by Callum's, he couldn't bury his face in his hands as he wished, so instead he ducked his head and bumped his nose and mouth against his shoulder, continuing the horrified groan from his throat all through Callum's explanation.
Male earthlings couldn't? While Callum grew more and more doubtful, Nimueh let himself go limp in utter relief. He wouldn't have to be terrified of Callum or himself having an 'accident'. Before this, Nimueh had only given a passing thought to children, but he'd known in an instant that he never wanted a child of his to be unexpected. It wouldn't make him love it less, of course, but with the places he and Callum traveled, having a babe come along without the proper protection- his mind went instantly to the sermal, and he clutched Callum tighter on impulse.
It was only as he held him, and Callum continued speaking, this time a bit more haltingly, that Nimueh caught on to his change of mood. Instantly, he waved it off, shrugging a shoulder and twining his fingers with Callum's to give a supportive squeeze. "That's not necessary, Callum. I never knew my birth parents... I feel blood isn't the most important thing." He corrected, tilting his head so Callum could see his smile. Then, his expression turned more thoughtful. "Then again, if you and I ever wanted children - we could pray to Aisha, if she would have us."
The thought of returning to Jauhar made him feel slightly sick out of anxiety, but there was also the bubble of excitement at the chance to see Aisha up close, rather than just gazing in awe at the boughs of her branches from afar. He'd never returned to his mother, but he had been born there - and there was definitely a warm spot in his heart at the idea of welcoming his own children to the world in that same place.
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2016 3:19 pm
"Nim, Nim, Nimmy," Callum cooed, turning his head so that he could nuzzle the other's with his own. He released his hold on NImueh's arms so that he could snake his own around so that he could coax the younger man into a straighter seating position. While he knew why the alk was burying his head, Callum wanted to show him that things were alright, and so he pelted little feather light kisses on the side of Nim's head in the process. Tiny, little wisps of kisses; nothing too lingering lest his lover catch whatever illness he had. "Not so tight love, I'm sweating and nasty."
He looked down to their interlocked hands, pale ivory against a winter's sky, and squeezed them just to put his mind at ease. "Blood...I wouldn't want to curse a child with mine, so I suppose it's for the best." It was a little more melodramatic than what he had been aiming for, but...well, what if he did have a child? What if they suffered just like he had, or worse, what if they came to hate him for it?
Then came the time for Callum's heart to stutter. He furrowed his brow, raised it, and furrowed them again. "You...I thought that only full alkidikes could see Aisha, or at least the females..." They could...they really could...Feelings of confusion, excitement, fear, and ten thousand others melded around in his brain.
Callum maneuvered his way out of Nimueh's hold, and slipped off the bed onto the floor. He moved one arm around his waist, the other fluttering up to his mouth as he began to pace. Would it be so bad to go into the heart of alkidike territory to see Aisha? Callum had so many friends who had been born from her lotus' that his respect for the goddess was high, but still...would she even listen to him? What if he Nimueh wanted this, they made the trek, and his lover braved the area he wouldn't touch just to be turned down because of Callum?
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2016 3:37 pm
With his partner soothing him, Nimueh released his grip and released a puff of laughter, moving as Callum suggested so they could sit more comforatbly, and bask in the affection of those speckled kisses. While it was very likely he may catch Callum's cold, he couldn't bring himself to back away from him. It was a risk he was willing to take, after all.
Once comfortable, Nimueh paused then tugged away so he could properly look at Callum, his eyebrows furrowed. Curse a child with his blood - did Callum truly feel that way? Once more, Nim wondered just what could have happened to make him believe such a thing. ...It wasn't that Nimueh hadn't mourned his own mixed blood at plenty of points in his life, but... well. He had had a guardian interfere in his life at just the right time, telling him he was worthwhile and perfect the way he was....
How would he have grown, if he hadn't heard those words from another hybrid? From Callum himself? Sure, his own adopted parents were loving, and his adopted mother, Izuzue, an Alkidike herself saw hybrids like him as the evolution of the alkidike species (conquering other races through blood, rather than war) but... would he have truly believed their heartfelt words, if he'd never heard Callum say them first?
He'd known, already, that Callum still had plenty of darker thoughts about himself, but the older man had wisely refrained from speaking of them in his presence.
Before he could correct him, however, Callum's face shifted into startled confusion. Nim hesitated, still wanting to touch on the other words, but... he relented. For now. "... There's always the risk we'll be turned away, but... when I fled Jauhar, as a child, I met others my age whose parents were both men, and both hybrids at that. I hope that... Aisha would recognize my faith in her, and would forgive my feelings about my Alkidike sisters, and perhaps-- Callum?"
One moment he had an armful of Callum, the next the silver-haired swordsman was pacing back and forth. Just what was he thinking?? Sitting on the bed still, Nimueh watched, wondering if he shuold interfere, for Callum's health if nothing else. He... had never realized that Callum would want to know this information, but now that he was seeing how affected he was... Nim felt a sense of wonder and jittery excitement in his chest.
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2016 3:54 pm
"...When I was a kid my mother didn't want me. She seduced my father just because he was a shifter; for the simple fact that he was different and she didn't want her sister to get to him first." He brought his hand away from his mouth and looked down at the back of his hand, where crytals so like his father's remained. "When I was still small he left. No one knew why, but she...stopped caring about me. My Aunt raised me, but she died when I was still small, then father came back and mother decided to pick me back up. They took me away from my home and my friends to go to Jauhar because it's what my father wanted." The way he said it was bitter, as if he would have said so many awful things to his parents if they were there. So much of his childhood was ruined because of their taint, and while he knew he had it inside of himself, Callum tried hard each day just to overcome it.
"My mother had an accident, and she forgot. She forgot everything; she forgot me. That woman-" He stopped himself before he could say something he might very well regret. Callum didn't, however, stop his pacing. "I'm scared of being like them, Nim. I...I would love to have a child with you, I can't imagine anything more beautiful or precious, but I know I would ruin it." He turned on his heel and came closer to the bed, gesticulating with wild hands. "A few days ago I saw a little girl - a hybrid - and she was so happy. Happy! Her mother adored her, and for a moment I thought - I thought it could work, but what if you're turned away because of me? I can't DO that to you, Nim! Aisha's going to see me for the mistake that I am and curse you because of it."
Callum didn't realize that his voice had raised to a near shout. His throat ached, his speech was ragged at best, but he couldn't contain it.
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2016 4:20 pm
... Aisha, he'd... never known all of this. And it hurt that ... Callum knew this too. Who had told him ? Who sat him down, one day, and explained to him that this was the origin of his birth? As soon as Callum began to speak, it was as if he couldn't stop, and a torrent of dark information broke from him, words so painful that Nimueh felt struck, just hearing Callum speak this way. When he spoke about himself, about his parents, Callum sounded pained.
And he thought he could possibly be like 'them'. Nimueh couldn't even focus on the elation that would fill him, later, when he realized just what Callum had said (that he would love to have children, with Nimueh! That he had seen a child and instantly thought of a family with him...), but for now? Now, he waited. He waited until Callum came close, voice raised and breathless from exertion - then caught him by the elbows, and tugged him in, holding him close in a tight hug. "Love, we aren't the sum of our parents." Nimueh whispered, shaking his head. "... 'You're 'you', not 'them.'' Someone told me that, when I was very young - told me that it was ok to like the stranger parts of myself, even if other's didn't. That my differences make me 'me'."
Nim paused, then leaned back, brushing Callum's hair back from his face, tucking long white curls behind one long ear. "You're that person taught me how to love myself. And that's the person who I'd want to have a family with, and no one else. If Aisha gave us a bloom, I'd be... I'd be elated. If she didn't, I know that you would love any child who chose us just as if they'd tumbled out of a bloom themselves. That's the most important thing, to me."
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2016 4:38 pm
Callum hadn't known how much it hurt to keep all of that bottled up inside. In some ways he had allowed it to slip out over the years, but never to this degree. He gasped when he was pulled closer, losing his balanced entirely and finding himself enveloped by love.
It felt strange to have his words turns back onto him like that, and in a way it made Callum feel foolish. How could he ever have expected the boy from so many years ago to find strength in words that Callum had spoken like forgotten dreams? They hadn't made sense to him then, since it never seemed like a possibility, that he might find love in himself, but here it was, the opportunity he had denied himself so many years ago.
"When I saw you by that tree, alone, I couldn't help it. I didn't want you to suffer for something you couldn't control." As time passed between them Callum began to calm, and gradually his coiled muscles relaxed. "Elated? For a family with me..." Callum couldn't believe it; he felt his eyes begin to mist, and he did nothing to stop them. Maybe it was alright that he couldn't see the worth in himself some days, so long as there was someone there to pull him through. It had taken him a while to figure out what a relationship truly meant, this give and take system, but Callum had never loved this man more.
"Nim...I want to try. It's scary to think about, but I can't think of anyone else in this world that I would rather walk this path with."
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2016 4:52 pm
He would be lying if he said that there weren't plenty of things from his past that still got under his skin, that still made him feel lost and strange. There were days he wondered who his birth parents were, before they died - what they'd thought about. How they felt about him. There were times he did mourn not knowing his blood family, and yet he still believed in his words, totally and completely. Callum's words that day had stuck with him for a long time, subtly and beneath his skin, even if over time he had forgotten the name and the face of the man who'd said it - until that fateful day that they met eachother again.
It still hurt, to know that Callum had carried these things inside for so long, but there was a feeling of bonding and kinship in sharing in it, in some small way. Cracking a smile, Nim continued brushing his fingers over Callum's hair, feeling warmed from his heart down to the tips of his toes. His partner was only just now opening up, in words, but he still trusted Nim enough to tell him, and still found strength in his words enough that he relaxed, and was soothed by them.
It was true that they hadn't spoken in depth about this before, but it was okay, in this moment, to agree. Nimueh's face blossomed into a bright smile, and he leaned in, kissing Callum hard to express his complete and utter relief and joy. It was a huge decision, to have children, but they had plenty of time to discuss the specifics, plenty of time to make sure they were truly ready for this. After all, Jauhar was a long, long way away.
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