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 Posted: Sat Jan 09, 2016 9:47 am
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Posted: Tue Jan 05, 2021 8:03 pm
[ooc note: this is a backdated entry from when des started his elder quest]
[The page looks to have been ripped out of the diary, albeit carefully. Deskri's handwriting is difficult to read, but it looks like he did try to make an effort to make it legible.]
Rasiel,
Sorry to disappear without saying goodbye in person. Got a letter from Avon. Something about seeing the future and needing to find something. I'll be hard to contact while I'm gone. I'll try to find you again when I'm done.
Stay safe.
Thank you.
And please tell Estrian I said thank you too.
~ Des
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Posted: Wed Jan 06, 2021 7:56 pm
He comes to when the buzz of what should be aching legs finally breaks through the mental fog. Where was he again? He'd taken off without thinking- without stopping to tell anyone in Ranimos what he'd found and now... he was lost. The bus stop wasn't in sight.
Dissociating wasn't a rare occurrence for him, but usually it was a response to fear or anxiety, not rage. He looks down at himself, no obvious wounds, externally anyway. The downside to coming back to himself was the flood of emotion that followed soon after- it clawed at the edges of his mind, demanding to be acknowledged. He didn't want to, though. In some ways he wished he could just dissociate forever and live unaware of himself or the things that bothered him, but he knew that wasn't healthy and it was useless wishing for such things.
He has to acknowledge them if he wants to move on - to grow, to get better.
From what he can tell, there's no one else around. He considers this a blessing, an opportunity to try and pick through the tangled mess of emotions in his mind without the risk of being interrupted or seen in his inevitable moment of weakness. The first that comes forth is anger - a justified rage at having something so valuable held back. And for what? What purpose did it serve to let them suffer with Malices that tormented them relentlessly? And for those with Manes, were they even any better off? Deskri did not think so. Sharing one's body with an uninvited guest - parasite - was never a positive thing, that he was sure of.
Oh, the anger rose up in his chest like the fire he'd set in the lab. It burned and threatened to rip him apart if he didn't get it out. But how? How could he ever hope to express an anger so powerfully destructive as this?
It wasn't just anger, was it? He had to look deeper inside, try to reason with the flames just enough to coax out what fanned them-
Betrayal. He'd never really known her personally, only spoken to her once or twice... but he still felt betrayed. Surely she knew. Rasiel had Obscurite, and he was her son. They were together, surely she knew and she didn't... do anything? Betrayal broke down into grief-
The flames turned to waves as the tide took over- his vision blurred, this was something he could express. This was something that was safe to let out, even if he hated to be seen this way. He scrubbed at his eyes with the backs of his hands, pulling them away-
Smeared with black.. no.. Not smeared. Black ink coated both hands, splatters going up his wrists-- blood.
He'd killed her. She wasn't real- but he'd killed her. Tore her to shreds and couldn't bear to look at the body, at what he'd done-
Grief turned to horror as ice cooled his insides, freezing him solid where he stood, staring dumbly at his blackening hands.
Over the years he'd become no stranger to self-defense- he'd retaliated physically at more people than he could remember, but he'd never killed anyone. Always swore he wouldn't- it would put him one step closer to becoming like Kagyaku and he couldn't do that- couldn't allow himself to sink any lower than he'd already sunk...
But she'd forced his hand, hadn't she?
They'd all be suffering still if he hadn't, wouldn't they?
He never would've found the cure for Malices if he hadn't, right?
Disgust coated the back of his throat- excuses. It was all excuses.
He was a murderer now and this was her black ink blood on his hands, he was sure of it. Had it been there the whole time...? He can't remember touching her- had he touched her??
Already his mind was blacking out the details, tucking them neatly behind shadows so he didn't have to face the reality of it all. It was so much easier just to forget, to not have to face himself...
He needed to get back to Rasiel... or the Sanctuary-
if he could even stay there anymore. They couldn't keep criminals there, could they? Would he put them all at risk?
No one but the villagers knew what he'd done- would it even matter..?
He sighs- expelling a breath he hadn't been conscious of holding... and begins to bottle it all up again. Pouring emotion after emotion into the mental container he kept them all in. Even just allowing himself to feel and name them left him exhausted, but he needed to keep moving... he had something to do, now.
He was going to return to Rasiel... and then find the other laboratory, and destroy it.
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Posted: Sun Jan 10, 2021 5:36 pm
[the handwriting on this page is especially messy, and in some parts the page has small tears from the force of the pen being pressed into it]
I broke the rule
Is it just a matter of time before I start becoming like him too?
I didn't enjoy it
Couldn't look at the body after
I'm changing again - I can feel it happening this time
I don't know how to feel about it
Am I being punished or rewarded?
I never wanted to stoop to his level
No matter how many times I play it over and over and over again in my head I can't think of a different way
There was no other way right?
Right?
Right?
I don't know how I'm going to process all of this
Haven made a copy of a Malice and she got loose
Kae knew about us having the possibility of parasites latching onto our bodies
She knew how to get rid of them, too
She didn't tell anyone about it
Those people were experimented on
I forgot to tell them
Why am I such an idiot?
Dreadneth - Kae's lab
Code name Chili Pepper, Aldas - Haven
I need to remember
I can't forget this one
I can feel the numbness taking over already
I'm such a ******** mess
What will he think?
Will he be mad that I left with just a note?
I said I wanted to stay there
I wasn't lying...
It's probably better that I left
I'm not good with kids
She was experimenting on them is what he said right?
What are we?
What am I?
I don't want to change
But I know that I need to
Maybe now I'll be strong enough to fend him off if he finds me
He can't grow more too, right?
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Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2021 2:58 pm
Somewhere between Ranimos and Sanctuary, his phone rings. He’d forgotten all about it - the only numbers he had in it were Rasiel and Delilah’s anyway. He pulls the phone out of his pocket and stares at it dumbly as it continues to ring. It’s not a number saved in the phone. It’s probably just a wrong number - he pockets the phone and continues walking.
It rings a few more times before the voicemail kicks in - he realizes at this point that he never actually set it up. He hasn’t really had a need to have a way for people to get into contact with him in years - it was always just better to remain untethered to anyone. Perhaps he should set it up, if he’s going to try to be more present. If he’s still welcome to be present, anyway.
His train of thought is interrupted when the phone begins to ring again. Puzzled, he pulls it out again and stares at the screen. The same number as before. Surely they would’ve realized they had the wrong number, right? What if… Rasiel or Delilah were trying to contact him from a different line? With that thought, he slides the ‘answer’ icon to the center of the screen, then holds it to his ear.
”Hello?” He asks, half hoping this really is a missed call.
”Deskri?” Says the voice on the other side.
A familiar voice, one he hasn’t heard in 20 years. Before he can break himself out of his stunned silence, the voice continues-
”Do I have the right number? There wasn’t a voicemail available when I called a moment ago.”
Yes… he knows this voice.
”Sono…?” He still has to confirm - how would Sono get this number?
”It is you!” Sono replies, voice clearly carrying his excitement. Though Deskri is also fairly certain he can hear some uncertainty in it. ”Where are you? Are you alright? I got this number from Rhun but I haven’t been able to get through in ages.” Sono continues through his uncertainty anyway.
Deskri is left reeling - head spinning as he tries to work through this new revelation. He’d seen Silas at a distance while at Sanctuary, but Sono had not been there - he must’ve arrived after Deskri had left.
”Des?” Sono prods, now sounding anxious.
”I’m here--” Des manages to force the words out. Too many competing thoughts make it hard to speak. ”I’m- I don’t really… know where I am right now. But I’m… alive.” Alright isn’t exactly the descriptor he would use. ”Where… are you?”
”Oh, good, I thought I lost you.” Sono sighs in obvious relief, ”you don’t know where you are.” His relief is immediately followed up with some confusion and, Des thinks, perhaps a bit of disapproval. But maybe he’s overthinking it.
”I got a little lost… it’s fine.” He replies. ”You didn’t answer me?”
”Oh, right, at the moment I’m in Belrad.” Sono replies, though he sounds distracted, ”Rhun said you were at the Sanctuary but left - why?”
Des can’t stop the sigh that escapes him in time. How to explain… what to explain? ”I.. Don’t really belong there.” He answers, finally. It isn’t really a lie, as far as he’s concerned. He’s not quite equipped to deal with peace like that.
”Deskri.” Sono’s tone is a warning, ”I know we haven’t spoken since… well, you know, but I like to think I know you enough to know that you wouldn’t leave a safe place over something like that.”
”Things change.” Des replies, his own tone flattening. ”It’s complicated. I don’t want to put anyone there in danger, anyway.” Now this was absolutely the truth. It would only be a matter of time before Kagyaku showed up at Sanctuary and he did not want to be responsible for that.
”You’re being threatened?” Sono asks.
”Kagyaku.” Even saying the Malice’s name makes him feel sick.
”Ah…” Sono goes quiet for a few moments. Des can almost hear him thinking through the phone. ”Where were you going next? I’ll see if I can help you figure out where you are.”
”Uhh…” Des pauses - he’d just gotten done telling Sono he didn’t belong at Sanctuary and yet, that was the very place he was headed to. ”I… have something I need to give to Rhun so… I was headed back?” He winces, just waiting for the incoming questions-
”Oh. I hope it’s not this phone.” But no questions come. Yet.
”No, not the phone. I’m pretty sure I’m going in the right direction, I’m just not sure where I am between where I came from and there?” Des runs a hand through his hair as he speaks. It’s… weird, talking to Sono like this after so long.
”Well… alright, if you’re sure.” Sono sounds almost disappointed. ”Have you… had contact with anyone else..?”
”I saw Silas from a distance at Sanctuary, but that’s it.” Des replies, ”I haven’t seen or heard from anyone else…”
”Mm… Sonnet?”
”No one.”
”I’m sorry… I know it doesn’t really mean anything now.” The regret in Sono’s voice brings a pang of pain to Des’s chest.
”It’s not your fault. I wouldn’t say it’s not anyone’s fault but… its not yours.” Des doesn’t really want to go over this… not now. Preferably not ever.
”Did you… mmm.” Sono begins to ask a question, but seems to think better of it.
”Did I what?” Des is pretty sure he knows what Sono is about to ask, but hopes he’s wrong.
”Did you hear about what caused the shutdown?” Sono spits the question out so fast Des barely manages to process it.
But, he does, and it is what he thought it would be. ”...Rhun told me about it, yes. You know it’s not true, right?”
”It does sound very out of character,” Sono replies after a moment of silence that Deskri finds suspicious.
”He wouldn’t do that.” Des states, defensive now.
”I know. He was not his Malice.” Sono’s tone eases into something more placating, and Deskri finds himself tempted to hang up the phone.
”Is not. His Malice - he is not his Malice.” Des corrects Sono’s choice of words instead.
”You’ve spoken to him, then?” Sono asks, almost sounding surprised.
Deskri debates for a moment on whether or not he should confide that information to Sono - his adopted brother is trustworthy, or at least he was when they actually lived together, but… This information is so sensitive now…
”No. Like I said, I haven’t had contact with anyone.” He sighs.
Sono hums in a way that sounds as if he doesn’t believe the lie, but he doesn’t push. ”Listen, I know you don’t feel like you belong in Sanctuary, and I assume you’re worried about Kagyaku showing up there… but I think it would be safer for you to be there. I officially moved back in not long after you left, I’m just attending to some business right now. If you can’t stay, at least visit?” Sono sounds almost pleading - it tears at Des’ willpower to stay focused on what he wants - no, needs to do now.
”I can try… I just, I have some things I need to take care of still. So I’ll be a while, before I can visit.” He hesitates, not wanting to turn Sono down but also not wanting to lead him to believe that he’ll get more than what Des can give him at the moment.
”Alright, I understand… you’re keeping this phone, right? Save this number, it’s my cell.”
”Yeah, it’s staying. And I’ll save it.”
”Good. I’ll call you again soon - I have a meeting I need to get to. It’s good to talk again, Des… I’ve missed you.” Sono’s tone leans into awkwardness, then genuine sentimentality. Des squirms internally from it - he’s never been very good at handling that sort of thing.
”It’s nice to talk to you too… I promise, soon as I’m done with uh… I’ll come visit.” He trails off, not really wanting to specify just what it is he’s about to be up to. Sono doesn’t press. The call ends, and Deskri is left to focus on moving again.
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2021 9:48 pm
Years 1-6 post shutdown…
In the year following the shutdown, Deskri had gone from one bad event to the next - a pattern that he knew well already but still somehow hadn’t quite learned how to roll with. Life at the Academy seemed almost peaceful in comparison to being exposed in the outside world - at least at the Academy, most of his problems stemmed solely from himself and the Malices that plagued his closest friends.
Outside, problems came at every angle. How to earn money, where to live, what rights he did or did not have - and the ever looming threat of Kagyaku slowly tracking him down made life exceptionally difficult. Yet still, he couldn’t quite bring himself to give up entirely.
When Niccol appeared in his life, it was like life had finally given him a break. Starved for any kind of positive attention, Des fell fast and hard - he felt guilty, of course, developing such feelings for someone new when Rasiel had been his only love since childhood but… Rasiel was not there, and for all Des knew, he wasn’t even alive anymore. Besides, he'd ended their relationship in between the long times Rasiel was absent from the Academy.
Niccol was, at first, everything he could’ve hoped for in a lover. A fellow Meta, though a Muse, Niccol experienced similar hardships in the outside world. Rose-colored glasses made the first red flags look like nothing at all. By the time he realized things were not okay, he was already in so deep that leaving seemed impossible. Niccol eclipsed everything about him- what was once attentive care and affection was now obsessive control and restriction. Leaving Niccol would also mean leaving the small community of Metas the two of them had come to live with. Each one of them was attached to Niccol in some way, and he just knew that none of them would choose him over Niccol.
Deskri had always had an issue with substance abuse, but over the next five years with Niccol it grew worse and worse until large portions of his memory was left blank - or blurred.
It was after a particularly bad binge - when he “woke up” (came to his senses) a week later - that he finally found the strength to leave. While Niccol was out, Deskri packed what little things were actually his, and left. For once, he was grateful for the ability to literally disappear into the shadows.
It was hard, of course. For weeks he berated himself over leaving what had probably been the best thing that had happened to him since the shutdown. But the longer he was away, the more he recalled-- chunks of time, months - years - blurred and blanked out, slowly coming to clarity. How much of it was the drugs, and how much of it was Niccol’s powers? He couldn’t say, and he didn’t really want to find out.
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Posted: Wed Feb 24, 2021 5:52 pm
Years 6-8 post shutdown…
He tried at first, he really did, to find a different community to settle in with. But each time he started to get comfortable, the killings would start. After the first year, he gave up. He was clearly meant to be alone - no attachments, nothing solid to hold onto. It was hard at first to shift from finding a permanent living space to being able to pick out the right places to shelter in temporarily. He was caught a few times, though always managed to escape. No permanent residence meant no permanent source of income, which meant purchasing much of anything was nearly impossible.
What small objections he might’ve had regarding theft disappeared quickly. He rarely stole anything more than he needed - though when things got too much to handle, he would resort to stealing whatever substance might shut his mind off for a few hours.
It was in one of these moments of relapse that he ran into Niccol again. He caved, almost immediately, just about crawling back into the Muse’s waiting arms. It was just so much easier to be told what to do, who to be, how to be...
Years 9-14 post shutdown…
It was, of course, a mistake to allow himself to fall back into Niccol’s control. Des spent the next year and a half with the Muse, and barely remembered any of it. Niccol was unwilling to move as quickly as Des needed or wanted to, even with Des pleading - Kagyaku was catching up.
In the end, his fear of his Malice outweighed his dependence on Niccol. Untangling himself from Niccol’s influence was a long and difficult process, but another year and a half later, Des was sure he could call himself free.
Now it was two people methodically hunting him down. One, to give him what was most certainly going to be the most agonizing and slow death one could possibly be given… the other, to monopolize and control every aspect of his life. Des gave up using most of his shadow abilities - they were the one thing that gave him away. No matter what shape he took, his shadow always resembled his true appearance. It was difficult at first, to cut himself off from something so close to the core of who he was, but it was necessary. He relied primarily on his illusions from that point on.
Somehow Kagyaku was never thrown off the chase, though. He did manage to lose Niccol for a little while.
Year 15 post shutdown…
But not entirely. It was during another relapse that they reconnected once more. They were “together” again for a few months before Des managed to pull his mind together long enough to leave.
”Have you ever thought about having kids?” Niccol had asked him.
”No. I don’t want any. Can’t take care of myself, let alone a kid. I can’t do that to someone.” Was Des’ immediate reply.
”I think ours would be cute…” Niccol continued as if he hadn’t heard.
”I said no.” It took every ounce of willpower to reiterate. In the end, Niccol just laughed and passed him another drink and a couple of pills. It was all hypothetical, of course… if Des didn’t want them, they wouldn’t have them.
Foolishly believing him, Des accepted the drink and the drugs - and was out within a few hours. A dreamless bliss of nonexistence for a few hours.
The conversation was enough to freak him out, though. When he woke, Niccol wasn’t there… he used the opportunity to leave again.
Years 16-20 post shutdown…
This time he took a great risk - going to actively hostile cities to dodge Niccol. It was easy to blend in as a human as long as he could keep himself calm and fed - but it didn’t always last very long. Plenty of true race residents had the ability to see through his illusions anyway. It was toward the end of the 20th year that he found the first flyer. He was so close to giving up for real this time…
He took it as a sign to try one more time to hold on to life, and made his way to his old home.
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