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 Posted: Sat Dec 26, 2015 5:57 pm
"I can't be there to protect him all the time," Jordan said, quietly. "It's ... not my job, anyway." There was the slightest edge of a stress on the word my. "Tracey wants him back. He's said so, and I can only imagine that this is frustrating for him." What was it like for Tracey, to have his partner's mind altered so deeply? Jordan shuddered a little, imagining the skew and twist and deep disruption in the weapon bond, and Ferros hissed low in agitation. "Maybe," Jordan answered, and had to physically shake himself to throw off the memory of water, dripping, dripping, stale air, and that wasn't what Horace was talking about, was it? But the months after the reality tear, as hope slowly seeped away from him and a cold ache of resigned heaviness took its place, that might be more like what the other man meant. "It ******** you up. When it happens."
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Posted: Sat Dec 26, 2015 6:19 pm
"No one can, really." He paused. "Not your job, maybe, but is it anyone's job? Doesn't it come and part and parcel with how you feel? The want to protect isn' a burden." If Jordan thought it wasn't his job - who's did he think it was? Harrison, maybe. Tracey, maybe. Jordan had a right to his own feelings, too. The word job bothered him on some vague level; it implied a kind of drudgery, or regularity. Jordan didn't mean it that way, Horace figured, but the connotations never sat well with him. He huffed out a breath into the air, wishing it would cloud up like it did back home in December. It was never cold here. "Do you chase it? I feel like maybe I never really left that cave." Maybe he was still there, too drugged out to realize everything had been a fever dream. In his dreams, he heard the sounds of the waves.
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Posted: Sat Dec 26, 2015 6:33 pm
"Harrison does better at it." Jordan looked away, hearing the edge of bitterness in his voice, the unresolved conflict, an emotional wound still badly scabbed over. He wanted to protect and didn't want to be leashed, pulled in two directions at once. The tangle of feelings came tinged with shame, as well, shame for the urges and for the conflict being there in the first place. He rarely talked about it, and he wasn't sure why he was mentioning it now. He shook his head. "I can't let myself consider that idea," he said tightly. "It's possible, theoretically, that I'm still back there, still dreaming, but I can't -- I can't treat it that way. That's no way to stay sane."
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Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2015 5:37 pm
"You think he doesn't need you both - Harrison, too? I think the intent matters most. Feelings matter most." He heard that edge of something in Jordan's tone and wondered what it hid. Jordan was often not very forthcoming about his own problems, and Horace hadn't been around during the initial coming together and parting that Jordan had to deal with. He frowned and hoped Jordan had found someone to talk to then. Sometimes, he thought Jordan wasn't very kind to himself, His foot began to tap against the roof to no discernable pattern. "Staying sane, huh? I think, sometimes.... it's kind of a comfort, almost. Though I guess that doesn't sound very sane."
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Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2015 7:19 pm
"The intent doesn't matter most if you don't express it in a way they can understand," Jordan said, and rubbed a hand over one eye. "If ... if they don't know your intent, the intent doesn't count for much." He half-smiled, though there wasn't much amusement in it. "I don't know. Well, maybe you're right. If I'm dreaming still, there's a lot that hasn't happened, and maybe I could do it right, once I wake up. If I wake up. If I've been dreaming this long, I don't know what's left of me." He reached for his beer, took a long pull.
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Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2015 8:19 pm
"Communication." He made a wobbly movement with his hands. "The devil's in those details. Different forms of communication, too. I need words, personally." Thinking back on it, maybe he needed less words, more actions. It was all ******** confusing and right now, for him at least, the method didn't matter. He wasn't in a relationship like Jordan was. He had nothing. Forcefully, he dragged his sour mind out of that path, making a disgruntled noise. "Adapting to other people's style is... hard. You're nothin' if not tenacious." Jordan had loved long and hard and kept on. He admired that, even if it made his stomach twist. "I guessing dreaming's another word for losing our memories, huh. You'd wake up and who would you be? Have you ever wanted to forget?" Horace wondered why Rep had, when he had so much good that he forgot along with it.
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Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2015 8:38 pm
"I need words, too." Jordan sighed and drank again. "Words aren't always enough. Or they get interpreted wrong." He'd found out that he meant words differently than his lovers meant them. He watched the sunset, not looking at Horace. "If you mean, this is not negotiable, when you say something, and the other person means, this is where we start negotiating from ... that doesn't work real well." He shook his head a little, "Hallucinating, I meant. I got subjected to my worst nightmares, over and over." He laughed, a little. "I guess that should reassure me. This isn't exactly my worst nightmare, unless the Horsemen got real subtle and creative all of a sudden." A sigh. "Sometimes I want to forget, but you know, if I forgot, I'd probably repeat all the ways I ******** up, because I forgot what I learned from ******** up. The pain I've felt is part of what makes me me, just as much as the good."
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Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2015 6:15 pm
He tapped his knee. "I don't think there's really a solution to misunderstandings, sadly. Except more communication, as long as its not a tangle of words. You sound like you've had a lot of... wordy disagreements." Horace watched Jordan from the corner of his eye, no longer drinking, for now. "I don't think I've learned anything at all." It was said almost cheekily, as if Horace thought it was some great joke. It wasn't. "Even now, I feel like repeating the same things over and over if, by some chance, it'll turn out differently this time. You'd think I'd know better."
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Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2015 6:31 pm
"A few," Jordan said, dryly sarcastic, but the cutting edge in his tone was directed at himself. "Just a few." He finished off his beer, and reached for a second one. "I've heard it said that that's the definition of insanity, but I think it's more just a human trait." He sighed quietly. "Doubt you'll find anyone who's never done it."
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Posted: Wed Dec 30, 2015 9:33 am
Horace shot Jordan a look. "Has it been better? Not the whole memory thing, just since the move." None of the three were the type to spill all via twitter, so it was difficult to gt a bearing on how their relationship had been going. Horace hoped the best for Jordan. Also, asking about Jordan's business conveniently kept himself occupied enough that he didn't think as much about his. "The worst kind of tenacity," he said. "It'd be better if I could figure out what I actually wanted." Giving in, he took another drink.
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Posted: Wed Dec 30, 2015 12:02 pm
"It's been better." Jordan picked at the label on his beer bottle. "I realized some things about our communication problems, and I can do some things to show that I do care, as opposed to just conversations and saying it. And ... they're there. I need space sometimes, but, well. I missed them. Regardless of what we might or might not have, they're there again, close by. If that's all I get ... that's enough." He slid a sideways, embarrassed glance at Horace, his shoulders hunching defensively; out of everyone he knew, Horace was most likely to understand that point of view and not judge him for it, but he was letting his walls down more than he usually did, and that made him nervous. "That's the hard part," he agreed, a little sadly. "Finding a place to even start with that is hard."
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Posted: Fri Jan 01, 2016 6:11 pm
Horace's eyes met Jordan, and he saw that shoulder hunch. His first instinct was to always say 'no its not enough' and 'no you deserve more', because he truly believe Jordan did. But it was one thing to believe that himself and another for Jordan to believe it, so he didn't offer words that wouldn't work. And Horace knew about longing - not for as long as Jordan, he hadn't been strong enough for that, but he had had a taste of that despairing intensity. "You should chase your happiness, and if them staying is your happiness, then good. I'm not about to lecture you on how to love your guys or what's enough for you - because I think you know already." Even if 'enough' was a lie Jordan told himself, or if it wasn't, Jordan needed it. "You're with them. It's good." He sighed gustily. "Sometimes, maybe..." He shoved a hand through his hair. "It's knowing when to quit - at least for me."
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Posted: Fri Jan 01, 2016 7:13 pm
"I know already, yeah." It was an ambiguous agreement. "This is what I wanted. It's good; we're good." "I'm less good at that," he admitted, and drank again. "It's difficult to learn."
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Posted: Wed Jan 06, 2016 11:47 am
"Mmm, tiny bit envious." There, he admitted it. Horace hoped he didn't sound anything other than casual. He cracked his neck, hearing the noise echo sightly. The roof had weird acoustics, took sounds and blew them away, but it seemed talk was safe enough. "Maybe if I lose another appendage I'll learn." He drank again, his words tumbling over each other lazily. If Horace got up now, the world would likely tilt dramatically, so he stayed seated. "Maybe a toe instead." He wiggled his toes, seeming to debate the merit of losing a toe. It wasn't that he wanted to be hurt again, not like that. But, not matter what way he looked, h felt as though he was running in circles. "D'ya think history always repeats itself?" He said quietly.
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Posted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 7:28 am
Jordan silently got the last beer out of his half-a-six-pack and offered it in Horace's direction; not an apology, not an empty platitude, just an expression of sympathy in the dialect they were currently speaking. "Hell of a ticket price," he said contemplatively, and then, "no, or at least I hope not, not so sure I can handle another year falling apart, that'd suck."
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