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"I've m-missed out on all those, I t-think. But hey, only b-b-been here a year. Plenty of time."

She grimaced, then listened attentively. An artifact capable of manipulating dreamspace? No ******** thanks. Why would anyone keep that?

"I g-guess that makes sense. This Felicia is...she's w-wild. Like, not a good wild, not a carefree w-wild. A, a, like. She's f-feral and hungry and r-run down to the bone, and there's n-nothing that can stand in h-her way b-because she mows them down. B-beyond just, the death. It's b-brutal, d-drug enhanced and...e-eager. I w-w-watched myself g-grab a ******** high power stun b-baton on a high, grab s-s-someone else and electrocute them a-as the conduit, then s-shoved it through their eye s-socket. Eye s-sockets, because she p-pulled it out then did it again, and c-covered in brain and gore and d-drenched in blood, I knew-- I knew-- t-that she'd never been so happy."

She sulked. "T-that was just t-two. There w-were like, twenty. And all t-they'd done was mouth off. Eye for a w-w-whole ******** army, I guess. She was-- is?-- s-so ******** strong. But-- I'm n-not a bulky girl. She w-was worn down, thin, m-muscles defined too corded b-because she was half wasted away, r-r-running on drugs in a w-wasteland full of them."

Felicia didn't talk, though, about the other half of herself who kept her company. It felt...oddly private.

"S-she was, b-before a war, like. A h-h-housewife. And a m-mother." She actually gagged at the word. "That me w-was deprived of doing all the things I enjoy. No, you c-c-can't do that. That's f-f-for men. B-be a good girl. G-get a man. G-get married. G-get a kid. White p-picket fence, shut up, s-sit down, refrain f-from your hopes and d-dreams."

She rolled over to look at Jordan. "I g-g-guess I do understand why she's b-bitter. What g-gets me is how okay I am w-with the rest. I t-think if p-provoked I could b-be that way, but what if I c-couldn't stop? I d-don't want to-- I don't w-want to fight like that, t-till the enemy is b-beyond dead and ruined and m-m-mangled, laughing, excited, t-thrilled."

Felicia looked sheepish again. "S-sorry. Guess that's b-been kind of p-pent up."

It was comforting, at least, to hear that she wasn't the only one with a monster inside her skin. At least one other person did, even if his was a different sort. But, then again, it couldn't be that surprising, could it? This was Deus, and they were hunters. Destruction was a key tenant of their ideology. Ruin was what they wrought on the world, just as surely as they saved it from it.

Were every single one of them a half-step away from brutality? (That red eye s**t. Maybe that kind of just proved her point.)

"Fighting is f-f-fun," she agreed, "b-but now it's k-kind of alarming now that I t-think about...the r-rest of how I feel about it. M-me, not her. I d-don't think I'd mind, I g-guess. The real me. Casualties, innocents. I d-don't know."

There were a lot of things Felicia lacked understanding in: forming connections, how relationships worked, why monogamy mattered, . In her sheltered and self-insulated bubble, Felicia had never challenged herself in any way but the intellectual, and it was showing.

Felicia didn't really like what was underneath.

" I think it's a g-good thing I don't make many field choices. B-behind the computer screen is best, and it's w-what I'm good at, b-beside. It'll be my specialty one day. What's yours, anyhow?"

"I think we s-s-sometimes do what we have to do and a b-bit more," Felicia said, gazing at Jordan out of the corner of her eye before turning them upwards, thinking of the mall. Of Rep, and how unbalanced he'd been. "Lines g-get blurry. We t-t-toe them. Morality is r-relative, especially f-for those without a strong d-drive."

Once upon a dream, she'd had someone to hold her reins and guide her. More than his company, that's what Felicia ached for most.

"Yeah, I l-like sparring. It's a g-good time, in my experience. N-Nothing bad, never. You know. S-s-serious, or anything." The sound of some fear creatures coming at her rather than the other way around was almost alien. Sometimes, she felt like they were over glorified exterminators.

Felicia grinned. "S-Shoulda guessed. You're p-pretty good at the b-brain training too, I guess. Thanks."

She snorted a laugh. "Fair. F-f-fair. I'll give you t-that one."

Whipping her phone out, Felicia thumbed through her pictures for one transferred over from her old phone, before it died a final pathetic death without a runic charge. "I d-don't mind. Kinda needed it, t-truth be told. B-been freaking out for ******** w-weeks, honestly." She held her phone up, and on its screen was a picture of herself. On the floor, surrounded by two computers and halfway holed up in a nest, exhausted but happy.

"I was doing f-f-freelance work, before this. W-work from home projects for f-fat stacks. W-web back end t-to applications t-to a dabble with n-network, I'm kind of a j-jack of all trades. M-mostly in app dev, b-but you know one you know 'em all with g-google and stack exchange. B-but they told me about the s-s**t we have here. And while s-some-- okay, a l-lot-- is stuck in the late nineties, runic s**t is d-downright sci-fi. I d-didn't even think. I s-said yes and was r-ready in ten ******** m-minutes."

Felicia smiled. "D-d-dunno if it was the correct choice b-but it feels like the r-right one, you know?"

"G-g-guess that's true of m-most things though, isn't it?" She smiled with a shrug.

Felicia put her phone away, shaking her head. "S-san Francisco, when we were y-younger. W-well, Foster City. About f-forty minutes south. B-but, I worked freelance, so. Just n-need wi-fi and a couch to c-crash on and i was g-good. S-Seattle for a while, Denver, wherever. Never s-saw any sights, though. Tried out a l-lot of take out, though!"

She stilled, and nodded solemnly. "Yeah." The lines in her shoulders eased, like she was relieved that he understood. Some people might be used to this by now, already had their revelations and awakenings. For Felicia, it felt like opening her eyes for the first time in over a year.

Felicia groaned dramatically, kicking her feet in a dramatic tantrum. "W-w-worst. C-c-can do a little r-runic stuff, mostly affi-affixing stuff to other s-stuff. Used them f-for cosplay Honey Go Go balls f-for halloween."

She scrunched her nose, and pushed her glasses up it, leaving a smudge of dirt there in the process. "B-but, I'm learning. G-getting easier, now that I'm h-helping off island b-bases some."