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 Posted: Tue Dec 15, 2015 2:45 pm
She looked up at the apology, brows drawing in as the frown deepened. "Roland." She might have looked miserable, but her voice was firm. "You've got to stop doing this." Setting the glass down on the desk, she walked around to stand in front of him, and gave his chin a tap with a knuckle to make him lift his head enough to meet her gaze. "Taym dying isn't your fault. America leaving isn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong." Arms folding, her weight shifted from side to side. "You've got to stop doing this, taking on everyone else's problems and then taking it as a personal failure when you can't just fix them." Peyton didn't fault him for not being there, he'd been working, and she hadn't reached out to anyone. There was no way he would have known, and nothing he could have done. "Somethings you can't fix." She didn't realize it when she reached up to wrap her hand around the goldfish charm that hung from her necklace. "Somethings just stay broken, and there's nothing anyone can do to fix them, and that's not your fault." She didn't want anyone's sympathy. There had been a reason she'd locked herself away from the rest of the island for a month. "My best friend died." Killed himself, a tiny little voice reminded her. "My other best friend left, and I don't even know if we're friends anymore." Small fingers closed tighter around the charm, the ring that lay beside it, digging them into her palm. "You're not going to be able to fix that, and I'm not expecting you to." She swallowed, backing away from him until her legs hit the edge of his bed, and then dropping to sit on the edge of it, head lowering to rest in her free hand.
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Posted: Fri Dec 18, 2015 7:38 pm
There was a faint hmm of question when she said his name, likely made more confused as she started to speak resting her knuckles on his chin to get their eyes leveled.
At first he didn't respond, he simply sat there eyes half closed with a distant look to them as she spoke. Watching as a hand wrapped tight around a small goldfish around her neck, his own fingers absentminded wandering causing them to rub and squeeze slightly at the hem of the soft sweater.
"I know it's not something I can' fix, I can't, but I want to at least help or try. But I don't know where to begin. I don't know what to do to make up for lost time." He glanced to the side, "I know there things we can't fix, I tried to help Nevada and she only hated me more for it. I just don't want to lose what I have." Or had he thought.
Finally Peyton slumped against his bed, it felt like a wall was between them when there was only empty floor space. "I haven't seen Candace in forever, Nevada's dead, I don't know what Jordan thinks of me, I haven't spoken to Shu because part of me is terrified to see whats changed."
"I'm terrified to care about anything because every time I do I screw it up. Because I'm afraid they'll die, or forget me again." The last part seemed to stop abruptly as another thought was cut off, I'm scared I've already lost you too.
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Posted: Sun Dec 20, 2015 1:58 pm
She looked up, but her expression was tired. There were times when it felt as though she had her old energy back, but more often than not she still felt drained, and now it showed. "You can try," she assured him, voice strained. "But you can't take it as a personal failure when it doesn't work." Maybe it was a lesson for herself as well, a reminder that she was only human, and she couldn't control everything, no matter how much she wished she could. Because maybe if she'd been able to, maybe if she'd been better, Taym wouldn't have- < That's enough. His death is no one's fault but his own. You need to stop dwelling.> But I can't...She didn't know what to say to his fears, because she didn't know the situations surrounding them, but they were familiar in a way that made her chest tight. Peyton dropped her gaze, features hardening stubbornly as she brought her hands up to rest on her knees, shoulders hunching. She should have reassured him, told him that things would work out, and all he had to do was try to be a good person, to be a good friend, but she knew it was lies. She knew it wouldn't matter in the end how much he did or sacrificed or loved, because there was no guarantees, and everyone either died, or left, and there was nothing they could do about it. The only thing she could say, the only bit of advice she could give him, was something Andy had been drilling into her head. "You just have to make the most of what time you have with someone." Fingers curled into small fists, squeezing. "That's all you can do."
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Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2015 5:52 pm
It was painful to see Peyton like this, usually it was Roland who was the one shuffling about looking like a sap. Yet here she looked dim, hardly the sparkling little sun that would happily kick his a** and then have lunch a minute later.
Still, he would try, he would always try because it meant having a chance to get back one of the few good things he had. The failures? The question about that lay in if he could accept the changes and failures.
Eventually he looked at her again from across the room, one hand still running along his cheek, through his hair as he tried to focus on what she said. For a moment he stood there before crossing the empty space sitting on the bed beside her, reaching over to squeeze one of her fists gently.
"Then lets do that," he offered her a small smile his shoulder bumping against her. "How, where, what I don't know. Whatever you think of."
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Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2015 3:16 pm
She nearly jumped when he reached for her hand, tension singing through her small frame before slowly relaxing as his fingers tightened around her own. She blinked down at their hands, swaying gently as he bumped her shoulder, and just didn't know what to say to him. "I don't know," she finally admitted, because it was the only thing she could say. Going out, doing anything, seemed like such a challenge if it wasn't a part of the slowly reemerging routine she was trying to piece back together. If she wasn't training she was more often than not in her room, with either Astrid of Andy. It was easier with them, they didn't expect anything from her, and seemed perfectly happy in just sharing her company. This felt like expectations that she wasn't sure she could live up to just then.
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Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2015 8:17 pm
He didn't move beyond that, his shoulder resting slightly against her own. He sat there quietly when she finally responded.
For a moment his eyes shifted over and his grip grew lighter slowly he scooted back pushing his back against his wall with a nod. Squirming on the bed to get comfortable as he sat back.
It would get better one day, maybe not today but it would get better one day. "That's fine."
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Posted: Thu Dec 31, 2015 10:30 am
She could feel things getting awkward, and she just wasn't sure what to do about it. Her own life was still a mess she was struggling to sift through, trying to do anything beyond that just seemed entirely overwhelming. She couldn't fix her Roland's problems as well as her own, she just couldn't, but she didn't want to make it worse, either. An apology sat heavy on her tongue, but she wasn't even sure what she was apologizing for. She wasn't ready to let go of her grief yet, and wasn't sure she could have even if she was ready to. The silence that followed his assurance was uncomfortable, at least for Peyton, but she let is stretch, not sure what to say to fill it. When it got to be too much, she'd rise to her feet, glancing back at him. "I'm sorry I'm not very good company right now, but I appreciate you caring." She could say that much, at least. "I'm going to go." Without waiting she went for the door to let herself out, escaping out into the hall, then hurrying away back toward the stares. It wasn't Roalnd's fault she was broken, but she just didn't have it in her to pretend like everything was alright. Maybe it would be later, but it wasn't right now.
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