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 Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2015 4:06 pm
How could he turn Auguste down? - how could he deny him such a thing when he'd cried over him? - it was a promise, yes, but a promise inset with subtext, with a try instead of a definite, and Auguste had accepted it as it was. It felt in many ways like a compromise, one Lorne was willing to try and follow for his friend's sake. Anything to make it so he didn't waste his tears over him again.
Besides. It really wasn't such a hard promise to make - Lorne may put his friends first, but he undeniably valued his own life. And he would not be surprised if tonight his familiar nightmares were laced with images of Umber's cold eyes and fingers where no man should be able to reach.
Lorne loved to give hugs, that was true - but he was so grateful for the one he was getting now, a tiny, soft sound escaping him that read traces of both desperation and relief in one breath. "P-please don't worry, " don't make me watch you die again he winced, unseen by his friend, his embrace as tender as ever, "I really, I - have no intention of dying."
He paused for a moment, chewing his lip as he mulled it over; and it seemed like an impossible thing to say, but, "You could... maybe try to promise me something, Auguste? Please?"
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Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2015 4:36 pm
He didn't know if Lorne wanted to leave, but Auguste was not ready yet to let him go, and he clung on tightly, images of the general's hand buried into Mont Blonc's chest continuing to run through his mind - reminders of the cold, dead eyes, the way that the squire had simply crumpled, as though nothing was holding him up anymore.
The way he'd looked, lying motionless on the ground.
"Good," said Auguste, and there was a sigh of relief that ebbed out against Lorne's shirtfront, his tangled hair a mess around his face and back and shoulders. "Good," he said again, and it came out a little thicker, his hands trembling just a little.
In the silence, he tried to push his thoughts aside, focus on the fact that Lorne was still living and breathing; but the question made him loosen his death grip (an ironic term) just a little, Auguste dragging in a great, shuddering breath.
"What?" he asked quietly.
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Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2015 9:02 pm
Lorne, frankly, had no desire to go anywhere. The last thing he wanted right now was to be alone, to have to sit and properly reflect on what had almost been. That moment, looking into Umber's cold eyes, might have been his last had things turned out any differently. Anything could've happened, and it was frankly the last thing he wanted to mull over.
He bit his lower lip as he mulled over the best way to ask, because he knew it wasn't exactly an easy thing to ask, but - he combed his fingers through Auguste's hair gently, trying to smooth it down and work out some of the looser knots and tangles.
"C-could you... "
Lorne blushed, vividly, and bit his lip again, averting his gaze and drawing in a long, deep breath. "Maybe... not tell anyone about this? W-what happened? I just don't - " He pursed his lips. "I don't want - I don't want them worrying about me or anything, it's not - I already promised I'd try not to again, and - and they'd worry."
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Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2015 10:38 pm
Auguste could possibly have fallen asleep right then and there, standing leaning against Lorne at the door, pressed close enough that he could hear the steady, reassuring beat of his heart and feeling the gentle fingers running through his tangled hair. In fact, his eyes were closed, the exhaustion starting to seep in.
At least until the rest of what Lorne was saying came into his head. Auguste's eyes slowly opened again, and he remained still in the embrace, his arms still securely around his friend (in all actuality, Auguste was just as geared towards hugs as Lorne was in terms of finding them a necessary aspect of affection and communication).
Not tell anyone? Auguste closed his eyes and he shifted until his forehead was pressed against Lorne's chest instead of his face, his eyes closing once more.
"I..." The words caught in his throat. He swallowed, eased out a breath, and tried again.
"I can't...promise that," Auguste said softly, so softly it was barely audible. "But - " he added quickly, feeling his face start to heat, and he didn't want Lorne to get upset at him. "But I won't tell - unless - unless I have to, okay? I won't tell if there's no reason to tell."
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Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2015 4:37 am
Lorne knew it was a selfish thing to ask, although it wasn't for selfish reasons; it wasn't about not wanting to deal with his friends' emotions, but because he didn't want to upset the people who meant more to him than anything.
Whether or not he'd made the right decision, whether or not things had turned out right in the end, he knew how it would make them feel - Nadia, Colin, even Isaiah. He knew it was asking a lot of Auguste, a man who wore his emotions so vibrantly, like the colors of Thrymr's fuku.
His hands smoothed down Auguste's back, and Lorne nodded slowly, his throat thick with shame. "That's - that's more than enough, " more than he deserved to ask for, really. "I-I know I'm asking a lot. I-I'm sorry I have to ask at all, just... just, you know them, they'll... they already worry too much."
(Or going by this, depending on which way one was looking at the squire's stunt tonight, maybe they worried just enough.)
"Umber, he - " Lorne swallowed hard, as if just recalling, "He didn't - hurt you, did he? While I - " He dropped the sentence abruptly. His cheeks hadn't stopped burning since he'd asked Auguste that heavy, heavy favor.
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Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2015 5:50 am
He knew, of course, if it came down to it, he would tell, because his face was simply expressive in and of itself, and if it came down to it, he would be unable to hold it back. But it was less for his own sake and more for Lorne's sake that he tried to promise anyway, because he understood, on some level, the desire to not have others worry over you.
(Though some part of Auguste wondered if he should at least tell Colin, because he was their leader, and would probably need to know eventually - but he pushed these thoughts aside for the time being.)
"They worry because they care," said Auguste softly. "I care too, very much."
Several months ago - several weeks ago, and he would not even have thought he would be standing here, with Lorne's gentle, secure arms around him, that he would be surrounded on all sides by people who apparently thought he was worth more than his own self. And yet each day, that care and connection between them all grew stronger, warmth and adoration blossoming in Auguste's heart for them all.
Umber. He had a name, now, to place with the face. Auguste shuddered a little, but shook his head, taking a small breath.
"No. I'm fine. He just pulled on my hair a bit, but that's it."
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Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2015 6:06 am
"I know, " Lorne breathed out, his voice thick and his eyes half-lidded, downcast, lashes hanging heavy over them. "And I'll never stop being grateful for that. For any of you."
He tilted his head enough to press his lips lightly to the top of his friend's head, smoothing out his hair again as he eased away, his head coming to rest lightly against the door with a dull little 'thud'. Auguste didn't need to know that this exhaustion was irritatingly familiar, that it had been not the first, but the second time that Umber had plucked his soul from his body. He didn't need his friend knowing that any more than he needed anyone else realizing that he'd offered it so willingly.
Even then, he knew it would probably come back to him - it was less a matter of 'would or wouldn't' and more a matter of time. But Lorne had to try, and he had to hope.
He frowned deeply at the mention of the abuse to Auguste's hair, sliding his fingers through it gently again. "I could - help you brush it later, maybe?" he offered tentatively, shyly. "I - I mean - I suppose I should ask - maybe one more thing, I - "
Lorne looked at Auguste, his cheeks red, although for perhaps the first time in earnest, his too-expressive eyes betrayed a little of what he so desperately tried to keep in check: he'd almost died, in a sense, and he remembered it happening this time. To say he was simply 'unsettled' was a massive understatement. "Could I perhaps stay? - I - I don't think Kyle's home and I just - "
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Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2015 6:18 am
If there was any one thing that Auguste was not only beginning to learn was both wanted and loved sometimes, but also that it was sometimes needed - it was that physical contact was a form of communication in its own way. Colin had taught him that intimacy was the same way, but it was gentle hands stroking his hair, or the tender press of lips against his cheek or his temple that were just as needed, just as craved sometimes. Hugs in general were something he was starting to understand were okay; that it was okay to ask for them, or to lean against someone else, or to just share their space.
And it was these little things that reassured Auguste, along with the words being spoken, the combination of the two helping to ease his heart.
"That would be nice," he said, with a faint quirk of his lips upwards in some semblance of a smile. "I'd like it if you could help me."
He'd leaned back as Lorne had so that his face wasn't pressed into his chest anymore, though his arms were still mostly looped around his friend's waist. Auguste looked up at him, and saw, reflected back at him, the same sort of thing that Auguste himself was feeling, not quite in the same sense, but enough.
Lorne had almost died. It made him feel cold inside.
"Please stay," said Auguste softly, without any hesitation. "You can share my bed, if you want, or you can take Nadia's, or the couch, or anything, just..."
Don't disappear. Don't die.
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Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2015 8:16 am
The first night he'd ever stayed at Colin's apartment, after they'd tried and failed to prevent the senshi from being corrupted - the first time he'd had his starseed taken - the first night he'd met Colin, not Aegir - he'd insisted on staying on the couch, wanting to respect his friend's space, and in his own quiet way he'd been too afraid to be so close to another person after so long alone - and after he'd let Archer in.
If anything was truly a testament to how far Lorne Benoit had come in the past few months -
"I'd - like not to be alone," he said quietly, his cheeks burning. Especially hard when he admitted more quietly, in hardly a whisper at all, "I-I don't usually - I don't always sleep well, though, I - I have dreams, and - " Nadia and Colin, both having shared a bed with him now, together and separate, knew it. He knew for a fact that Colin had nightmares, too. But Auguste - "I might wake you."
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Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2015 2:13 pm
Lorne did not need to explain his reasoning; all Auguste needed was to hear that first part - I'd like not to be alone - and that was enough for him. It was especially enough because Auguste himself had been secretly hoping for the same thing; he did not want to be alone, not after all that had happened, not after what he had seen.
Auguste lifted his head and looked up at Lorne with a surprisingly serious expression on his pale face - but it was also one of quiet understanding.
"Then wake me," he said softly. "I don't mind."
He'd already witnessed firsthand the nightmares that Colin suffered from, and though the methods of comfort would undoubtedly be different with Lorne, it did not change the fact that he did not mind being awoken, nor would he have wanted Lorne to wake up and feel as though he had to handle everything on his own.
His hands lifted, and Auguste bent them back to take ahold of Lorne's in his hair, pulling them down so that he could give them a little squeeze.
"It'll be all right," he said quietly. "Je serai là."
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Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2015 8:06 am
Lorne's smile in that moment was not the radiant smile that Auguste might have liked to see, the one to take years of worry off his face and make him seem younger than he was. (Or was it to seem more his own age?) But it was still bright, hopeful, and maybe even a little beautiful in its own fragility.
They'd both fractured a little tonight, in their own ways. Affection had gone a long way in wearing down the jagged edges. But cracks still laced through them, random and chaotic, no longer threatening their basic structure, but no less damaging for that. It would take him.
Fortunately for both of them - time was one thing Lorne Benoit still had. Just as, fortunately for him, he had someone like Auguste to call a friend.
He squeezed Auguste's fingers tightly in his own, pressing them lightly to his chest. "Merci beaucoup, goutte de pluie. Merci."
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