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 Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 1:12 am
He kind of liked the red flush to Hitch's cheeks - but no, he wasn't thinking about that, stop it Tolliver.
At least the other seemed pleased about being asked, because Hitch was rubbing his neck and grinning a way that indicated shy approval or eagerness, which Tolliver found endearing. He gave a little nod, sucking in a breath, and then smiled a little in return.
"I'd like to hear you," he said quietly, and shifted around on the stool so his legs were on the side and he had enough room to stand. Tolliver only hesitated a second before reaching out and accepting Hitch's offered hand, feeling the warmth of it against his own as he got awkwardly to his feet.
His fingers fell away, a little reluctantly. Tolliver mulled over the question briefly.
"Play your favorite thing," he said finally, quietly. "Play what you love to play."
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 1:39 am
He felt the hesitation from Tolliver when he pulled away - somehow, it thrilled him. In the same breath, it scared him. It wasn't a fear of Tolliver, but of himself.
"My favorite... " He laughed softly as he plopped down on the stool, reaching down to grab the pair of sticks he wanted. "That's ********' hard Tolli! Do you even know how many favorites I got?!" No, of course he wouldn't. He'd never seen the tracklist on his phone. It was too bad he didn't have a computer anymore, really, or it'd be even bigger.
Speaking of his phone. Hitch pulled it out of his pocket. It wasn't a totally old phone, but the screen was cracked in the top left corner. Still usable, but it'd cost too much to fix, and he didn't want to risk losing everything. There was too much music he'd never get back, and there were too many pictures he wouldn't be able to replace. "Here, uh - " He'd scrolled to Alice in Chain's Would and then passed it off to Tolliver, flashing him a grin coupled with a shrug of his shoulders. "If you wanna hear it with the lyrics an' all that. I don''t know if you know the song or whatever, but - " It'd be sort of a crime if he didn't, and Hitch was just the guy to right that wrong.
With or without the song, and rusty or not, it was one of the songs that Hitch had played day after day until he'd gotten it right - that kind of thing didn't leave him so fast. His eyes got a different look to them while he was playing, serious but not forbidding. Hitch's playing was three things rolled up into one for him: a passion, a release, and an escape. Three things he hadn't done for himself, really, in a long time.
Hitch couldn't sing for s**t, but he still liked to mouth the words as he played. It made him more invested in the song. 'Am I wrong? Have I run too far to get home?'
The whole song wasn't perfect, and he felt a p***k of dissatisfaction each time he didn't produce the kind of sound he wanted. But even if he would always be hard on himself, he wasn't bad; there was something there, raw and powerful even if it wasn't totally refined.
'And left you here alone? If I would, could you?'
The song ended and Hitch let his arms fall to his sides, then seemingly thought better of it and leaned back in his stool, arms crossed over his chest instead. "So... what'd you think?" he asked, daring a glance at him. He tried to grin to cover his own insecurities about the whole damn thing, but it was obvious from any distance that now that he was fidgeting.
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 12:10 pm
The nickname made his stomach flutter, because in spite of his long (and, Tolliver secretly thought, overly pretentious) name, the only person who'd thought to shorten it before was Fritz - and even then, Fritz just called him Ollie or occasionally Oliver. And maybe it was just one letter, but Tolli felt...different.
Or maybe he was just overthinking it.
The phone was given a bemused look, Tolliver reaching out to take it. He glanced down at the screen and it clicked in his head as he nodded in understanding. The song was unfamiliar, but he pressed play as Hitch raised his hand, the first note ringing.
And Tolliver felt utterly, completely transfixed.
The air around Hitch had changed significantly, drawing in everything around it, and Tolliver found himself swept up into it, into the look in Hitch's eyes, the sweep of his brow, the expression on his face, each and every movement of his hands and those broad shoulders of his.
This was a side of Hitch that Tolliver had not seen before, passion and dedication in his gaze, lost in the music, and Tolliver's eyes flickered to Hitch's mouth, watched him form the words without singing, lips curving over every syllable. It was transfixing, watching him play; he couldn't have pulled away if he'd wanted to, the phone held in between loose fingers, still partly raised to hear the music better.
It was silent for several long seconds after Hitch finished before he moved at all, because what Tolliver thought was that all he wanted to do was climb into Hitch's lap and kiss him, bury himself in that passion, let it flow into him as well, wondering if it was possible to ever be that passionate about something. And the thought scared him, confused him, because he had never felt a pull towards anyone in general in life, because what were friends, really? He didn't have many, or really any at all, and yet Hitch was here, and he hadn't walked away from him, and Tolliver didn't want him to.
Tolliver realized, belatedly, that he was staring at him, cheeks flushed, mouth slightly open. He clamped his lips shut abruptly, the flush rising, and put his hand over his mouth, chest feeling ********. Sorry. That was..." His voice was hoarse, fingers trembling slightly as Tolliver tried desperately to return to normalcy, tried to hide the warring feelings of confusion and longing under the guise of simple admiration. "That was brilliant, really just...amazing."
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 12:34 pm
Hitch was carefully watching Tolliver, from the look on his face down to his body language, whether he was speaking or not. Words always said one thing; people would play nice even if they were thinking the nastiest, spiteful a** s**t. Not that he thought Tolliver was like that or anything, but it was a force of habit that came with his mother's insistence on the importance of details. When taking note of things to make the other person comfortable, it was kind of inevitable to notice the stuff that made himself more uncomfortable along the way.
But Tolliver wasn't scrambling for words to try and placate him. He was just staring with this kind of intensity Hitch didn't have the words for. The look wasn't bad. It was just -- intense. Intense really was the best word.
He should feel uncomfortable. It should have been worse when Tolliver snapped out of it, blushing and shivering and the genuine awe was there, but it was more than that, it was -- it didn't make him feel uncomfortable at all, even if it should have. It made him feel bigger than himself, less hideous and foul. It made him feel desirable, worthwhile, and deep down, Hitch desperately wanted that: to be wanted instead of walking through his life in a haze.
"You... really think so, huh?" Hitch laughed shortly, shifting his sticks to one hand and fidgeting with his hair tie as he put them away. It was kind of inevitable that more of his hair had slipped out while he was playing. "I mean, it was okay. I sort of messed up some of the beats, but -- if you liked it that's good." He was trying to be realistic and modest, but he was smiling, his cheeks warmed by the praise. "Thanks Tolli."
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 12:50 pm
He hated the anxiety that bubbled up inside of him, still growing, still welling, as much as he tried to tamp down on it. It was coiling in his stomach, making him second guess every little thing, and the more time he spent with Hitch, the more time he wanted to spend with Hitch.
"I...yes," said Tolliver, grateful for the fact that his voice had stopped shaking, though the back of his hand was still over his mouth, the words coming out a little muffed. He stood there, still frozen in place, his breathing slowly becoming less stuttered and more smooth. "It was...I mean, even if you messed up, it was still...quite impressive."
An understatement. It was less about the little nitpicky details and more just a fact that he could still see the look of passion in Hitch's eyes as he played, and that made all of the difference.
Tolliver closed his eyes briefly, swallowed hard, and then opened them again, fingers fluttering against his lips.
"Sorry," he murmured, face aflame, and the admission came out of him, in spite of him trying to stop it, shame and awe and embarrassment all ebbing into his tone. "Not...not trying to be all wonky on you, it's just...I don't think I've ever done anything with that much passion in my life, it was...quite amazing to watch."
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 1:06 pm
The way Tolliver's fingers moved over his lips made Hitch unconsciously lick his drying lips in turn. Even if the room was almost stiflingly warm, he felt the tingle of goosebumps rising over his flesh, the fine hairs on his arms standing on end.
He wasn't lying. He wasn't exaggerating. He wasn't being polite. Hitch rocked backwards and then forwards in his stool, and a seemingly endless parade of emotions flashed in his eyes: embarrassment, longing, fear, hope, happiness, more than that. He looked down for a second, shutting his eyes and taking a long, deep breath.
"You really think that, Tolli?"
He stood up almost suddenly, his hand resting on one of the drum heads as he approached Tolliver to meet him on the other side. He was standing too close; he knew he was. No one had said anything like that to him in so long, and whether he believed himself worth anyone's time or not, he hadn't realized how badly he wanted -- needed? -- to hear it.
"Do you really?"
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 1:14 pm
He couldn't move. His feet were frozen into place, Tolliver's gaze fixed on Hitch even as he closed his own, and then he was getting up and walking towards him, and he still stayed where he was, rocking a little in place. He almost wanted to take a step back, but the wall was right behind him, and there was no place to go.
Hitch was close, he was too close, and Tolliver's hand was still covering his mouth, the back of it pressed to his lips. He lifted his gaze, stared at Hitch with wide eyes, the same eyes he had had before, filled with several different emotions he couldn't quite name, wasn't even sure if he wanted to, because he was scared of what it might have meant.
"Yes," Tolliver whispered, his voice hoarse again, muffled, and his fingers had started to tremble as he curled them against his palm, unable to tear his gaze away. He swayed slightly.
"Yes, I do."
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 1:30 pm
Hitch knew what he wanted, even if he knew what it would mean for him. It gave him pause, because it wasn't like -- that night on the street, he'd been -- he hadn't been thinking of anything else besides Tolliver. His mind hadn't been bogged down by all these heavy thoughts and dark feelings that plagued him every waking moment.
He'd had an excuse: the drinks. Maybe it hadn't saved him, but it'd been something to put distance between him and his action. He hadn't regretted what they'd done, but he hadn't totally been in his right mind when he instigated it.
He wasn't the complete confidence and heat he'd been last time; Hitch was scared, too, and he was hating himself for every second of this already. Sad. Lonely. Desperate. - but also moved. Hopeful. Happy.
He wanted to. He didn't want to. He had to. He ********> he loved the way Tolliver looked at him.
The impulse won out over the guilt. Hitch leaned forward, and his lips pressed lighlty against Tolliver's exposed wrist; he could feel the subtle throb of his pulse. Then the bottom of his palm, delicately, gently. Then the backs of his fingers. All the while he kept watching Tolliver's face from beneath his lashes.
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 1:44 pm
His nerves were so on edge that he was almost surprised he hadn't spontaneously combusted right then and there. It wasn't the same sort of heat and the desperation of the night they'd already shared, but a heat of a different kind, warm and frightening, settling in his stomach, his chest, sweeping over his entire body.
Tolliver was terrified. But at the same time - at the same time, he wasn't, and it was a contradiction in terms, because he was more scared of what this might have meant to himself. There was no fear of Hitch, only of himself, of what the warring emotions inside of his head and heart could possibly be, what they would mean later.
The first brush of lips against his wrist almost made him stop breathing. Tolliver dragged in a sharp, stuttered breath, his heart rate speeding, most likely able to be felt in the tremble of his fingers, beneath the skin. But he didn't pull away, didn't so much as move as Hitch's lips traveled up, gentle and soft against his palm, and on his fingers, and he was looking at him, and it was almost overwhelming.
Almost. But not quite.
Slowly, Tolliver's fingers uncurled. He stretched them out timidly, still shaking, face flushed, and very lightly touched the side of Hitch's face, the tips of his fingers brushing over his cheek almost experimentally, and Tolliver swayed just a little closer, hesitantly, shyly, biting his lower lip.
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 2:01 pm
Hitch tilted his head slightly towards his friend's fingers, savoring the sensation of Tolliver's feathery little touches and sending the clear message that it was okay. He wouldn't yell. He wouldn't scream. He'd just suffer the guilt quietly this time, slow and smoldering and poisonous within his veins. If it meant he could feel like this, even just one more time...
He cupped Tolliver's cheek in turn, like the last time, his hand just as heavy and rough as before - except maybe, "You seem bright to me." A vestige of something shared, and Hitch was dully aware of the dangers that came with attaching something more lasting to something like this. Everything about this was dangerous. This was his only friend, and quite possibly the only person left in the world who might give half a damn.
Instead of making it harder, like he thought, it made it easier to lean in and close the gap between them, wrapping an arm around Tolliver's middle without warning to tug him closer.
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 2:21 pm
He didn't have Fritz's easygoing mildness, his charm, his ability to dazzle a room simply by waltzing into it. Tolliver was the quieter, the less confident, the awkward one with the horrible, embarrassing gimpy leg who only had his intelligence and nothing else.
And yet Hitch was still here. Hitch was still here, tilting his head into Tolliver's hand as he slid it tentatively over his cheek, like he wanted to feel more of it, more of him.
Warmth spread instantly across his own face as Hitch's hand cradled it, but rather than jerk away, he simply stood where he was, lashes fluttering half down, Tolliver biting his lip so hard it almost hurt. The words sent his pulse into overdrive, chest constricting painfully tight, because even if he didn't believe them, he knew Hitch believed them, could hear it in the tone of his voice.
"I'm...." he breathed out, and then lost the thought again as he was tugged suddenly forward, his chest against Hitch's, and now there was no space at all between them. Tolliver's hand was still pressed against Hitch's face, and there were only a few scant inches left.
Hesitantly, Tolliver swept his fingers down, slowly moving them over Hitch's jaw, testing out the feel of his skin, his warmth. They dusted shyly over his mouth, across his lips, dipping briefly to skim over the piercing before Tolliver's hand fell to rest on Hitch's shoulder. His other hand had risen, and was wedged between them, fingers on Hitch's chest.
"I..." he murmured softly, utterly losing his train of thought, because he was scared and he was uncertain, but -
Slowly, tentatively, Tolliver leaned forward and brushed his lips over Hitch's in a kiss that was almost not even a kiss it was so light, but he was still new to this, and initiating was not as easy for him. But he didn't want to move away, fingers curling in the fabric of Hitch's shirt as Tolliver opened his eyes, biting his lower lip hard again as he looked uncertainly at him, an unspoken question in his anxious gaze.
Is it okay? Am I okay?
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 6:11 pm
Did Tolliver even realize the way he looked when he did that, biting his lip and fluttering his lashes? No, probably not, and that's what probably made it as captivating as it was.
Hitch drew in a shuddering breath as Tolliver's soft, curious touches traveled across his face, loving them even as he struggled with a wave of self-consciousness afresh. His jaw was too sharp, his lip was too pronounced and still split, and that was only the beginning of the ongoing list of flaws he saw every time he looked in a mirror.
But Tolliver's eyes didn't read disgust or regret, and the touches were inviting, addictive, needed. He kept on watching Tolliver throughout it all, his eyes half-lidded and his breath hot between his lips. He was so aware of that hand on his chest, and Tolliver would feel his heart pounding as hard and fast as his.
Even though he saw Tolliver coming and knew what was coming, he took a sharp breath through his nose when their lips touched, and the same air gasped in a low sigh when the kiss ended.
The look in his friend's eyes told him there was still time to stop this. To be rational and smart and spare Tolliver the trouble and himself the guilt. But there were fingers curled against his shirt, and he was biting his lip again in that unaware, innocently endearing way, and -- ******** him.
"Kiss me again, " he whispered huskily, lingering somewhere between a plea and a demand.
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 6:29 pm
He didn't see Hitch as unattractive. Not even the slightest.
The too sharp jaw was strong and masculine, the pronounced lip was warm and inviting, though Tolliver's gaze lingered a little worriedly on the cut, wondering how he'd gotten it. He was distracted, however, by the feel of Hitch's heartbeat against his hand, the firm chest pressed to his palm.
The gasp emitted sent a shiver through Tolliver's spine, as did the whisper. He felt his face flush, felt the heat rising in his stomach, and his head spun a little with all of the implications, with all of the confusion.
He could pull away. He could still turn around and walk away, say that he couldn't do this, that he wasn't attracted to guys, that he was simply caught up in the moment, and that it didn't really make any sense for him to be kissing someone like Logan Hitchcock, because he was his friend, because...
...because all of that was a really big, fat lie and there was no point in denying it any longer.
Tolliver stopped biting his lip, inching closer. His hand slid a little higher on Hitch's shoulder, fingers brushing against the back of his neck, and Tolliver's eyes fluttered shut at the last second before his lips lightly touched Hitch's.
It was still hesitant at first, still tentative, because in truth, he was almost quite certain that he was probably terrible at this. But then he let out a soft, shuddering breath and parted his lips, just a little, to press a little more firmly into the kiss, fingers shaking, Tolliver shyly beginning to lean against Hitch.
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 6:54 pm
This time, Hitch shivered when he felt those warm fingers on his neck, and he closed his eyes last, watching Tolliver's eyes close as he kissed him again. A low, pleased hum rolled in his throat as he savored it, the transition from tentative to curious, the way Tolliver explored what it was to kiss him.
What was to Tolliver terrible was to Hitch fresh and new, and most of all, sensual. He coaxed his - he still didn't know what to call Tolliver in his own head, really - with more soft, lingering hums and gasps, urging him on and encouraging him. Though when he heard and felt that shuddering gasp and those lips parted for him, Hitch's entire body quivered and a much more lewd sound escaped him. He flushed deep crimson, begrudgingly ending the kiss and breathing hard, his eyes still half-closed.
"Tolli, I - " He paused to swallow, sliding his hands up along Tolliver's back, then down again, stopping at the small of it. "Couch?" he offered huskily and not at all eloquently, licking his lips and already missing the sensation of Tolliver's there.
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 7:03 pm
At first, he found himself uncertain, fumbling even, embarrassed by his lack of experience. But Hitch's soft hums were doing terrible - and wonderful - things to him, and Tolliver found himself leaning more into it, grasp tightening slightly on Hitch's shoulder.
The sounds - the feel of Hitch's body shuddering - Tolliver felt like he was drowning, and it took him a second to pull his head out of the clouds as Hitch leaned away, regretting the loss. His eyes remained shut for a beat after, breath catching in his throat, and he could still feel the sensation of Hitch's lips on his.
What was this? He couldn't tell, couldn't define it, maybe was too afraid to.
The suggestion, however inelegant, was a good one, because Tolliver's leg had started to ache, a feeling he'd been ignoring for much more pleasurable things. He swallowed hard and nodded, lowering his hand and grasping onto Hitch's upper arm, not wanting to let go, but also not knowing if they were going to continue (please, he thought hazily), or if Hitch just want to talk.
He'd let Hitch lead, at least for now, Tolliver slightly dizzy with the knowledge that he would maybe get to kiss Hitch again, that he wanted to kiss him again.
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