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 Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 11:11 pm
When he saw the pain flash in Tolliver's eyes, even for a second, Hitch shifted - he took hold of his friend's other forearm to try and help steady him as he stood, trying to take some of the strain off his leg and onto himself. It was an unconscious reaction, but he found that now Tolliver was too close - they were both still bare chested, and space between them was small enough that he swore he felt the heat radiating from the other man's chest.
The heat spread to Hitch, and he hated himself for it. Disgusting.
Last night. Those two words felt like a bucket of ice water to the face, and Hitch found that he was getting trapped. How many more corners could he scurry off to?
"Tolli - Tolliver, I - " Again, not the open book he'd been last night. But there were a lot of emotions on Hitch's face, and even if none of them were exactly anger, none of them were really good. Hitch averted his gaze and bit down on his piercing, feeling heavy and foul. " - I can't talk about this right now. Please."
Tolliver would hate him - and if he did, he'd probably be better off.
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Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 11:17 pm
He bit back the little gasp that threatened to escape him as Hitch's hand touched his arm, heat beginning to ebb back through him, skin tingling where Hitch's warm fingers were pressed against his skin. Only a step forward and he would have been right up against him, a fact that Tolliver was trying extraordinarily hard not to think about.
The nickname fluttered through him - and it was chased by something a lot less pleasant, a lot less warm. Tolliver's gasp on Hitch's hand tightened a little, and he visibly stiffened, shoulders filled with a tenseness that spread outwards across his entire body.
"Why not?" he asked, his voice still level, in spite of his warring emotions. His leg was aching, as was the rest of him, but he refused to step away, and his gaze was on Hitch's face, even if Hitch wasn't looking at him, Tolliver's face still painted in red.
"Does this mean you regret it?"
The question burst out of him, unintentional, but it was there, and he could not take back the note of frustration in his voice.
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Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 11:43 pm
The trap had been sprung, and Hitch couldn't have felt any more caged and vulnerable. Why did Tolliver have to push it? - There was nowhere left to run, and no more words to hide behind. His chest tightened and he felt sick all over again. He was really and truly trapped.
Like any other animal that was caged, fear led to a desire for self-preservation. His eyes flashed something imperceptibly wild, almost dangerous.
"No."
One single word laced in fire. Hitch looked back up at Tolliver again, glaring at him, and his hand dropped away from his friend's arm. "There, I ********' said it! I don't! Are you ********' happy now, huh?! I sure ********' hope so!" He whirled on his heel and went to go try and find the rest of his s**t, his shirt especially.
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Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2015 11:48 pm
He was startled by the vehemence in Hitch's voice, laced entirely in a single syllable word. Tolliver stared at him, utterly taken aback by the denial, because, in all honesty, he'd expected the opposite. He'd expected for Hitch to snap at him that it had all been a mistake, that he hated being reminded of it, that Tolliver had never been worth it in the first place.
Except he hadn't. He'd said no.
Tolliver stared after him, frozen in place, mouth slightly open as he swayed by the sudden loss of a contact. After a moment, his feet began to move, almost of their own accord, and he padded over to the doorway to the bedroom and stood there, one hand braced against the frame.
"Then what the ******** are you yelling at me for?" he said, eyes narrowing a little as the irritation and frustration began to build, because he didn't understand at all. Hitch was hot and cold, back and forth with emotions that Tolliver couldn't decipher.
A thought struck him.
"You're not like, married or anything, are you? And that's why you're acting all pissy?"
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Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 12:04 am
Hitch ambled around almost aimlessly, too stuck in his own head and his claustrophobia to see straight. He kept glancing at the same places over and over again, getting increasingly agitated because why couldn't he even find his ******** shirt.
"Why?" he snapped without even looking back at Tolliver, dropping his hands uselessly at his sides. "Because I told you I ********' needed time! But you, no, you just wanted to ********' stroke your goddamn ego - you - " His words were faltering and stalling, without real logic or venom to guide them.
He whirled on Tolliver when he said that, and wanted to get mad again - but all he really did was tense his shoulders, "What?! No, I - goddamnit, it's none of your damn business, alright?! You should be ********' happy! You're the one that ********' cornered me about this you ********' - !"
Hitch trailed off, his shoulders still tense and now slumped, his mouth dry and his gaze squarely on the floor. He opened his mouth to say something, then shut it again.
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Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 12:17 am
He found he was annoyed.
Annoyed, because he was wallowing in confusion over his preferences being skewed to all hell. Annoyed, because Hitch was seemingly taking out his irritation on Tolliver, regardless of the fact that he hadn't done anything and was not some harpy set out to drag anyone to bed. Annoyed, because he was waffling between an apparent attraction to this man and a frustration at himself for not knowing what that meant and also because he hadn't done anything wrong.
"I wasn't trying to stroke my ego," Tolliver snapped, mouth dry. He leaned against the door frame, eyes narrowed, because in spite of Hitch's snarky tone, he seemed to be losing steam -
- and there it was, the accusal. Tolliver felt like he'd swallowed sawdust. For a moment he was silent, looking as though he'd been slapped, his cheeks flushed, his fingers trembling against the wall.
"You think," he said, in a low voice that started soft but gained in volume as he stepped forward, hand slipping away, Tolliver cursing his stupid, gimpy leg with every movement. "that I dragged you into this? That I wanted to have my head completely messed up, that I haven't been sitting here trying to figure out what the ******** I want and what the ******** this means to me?"
He was shouting now, chest heaving, and he was still moving forward toward Hitch.
"You think that this is my fault, that I, what, that I came up to you and begged you to ******** me and then yell at me?"
It was crude and terrible and he hated himself for even saying it, Tolliver stopping a few inches away from Hitch, wavering where he stood.
"Don't you dare turn this on me," he hissed, his chest clenching, and his head was spinning unpleasantly, his fingers shaking. "I thought - I thought that maybe you - I don't even know what I ******** thought anymore, but either way, you can't possibly be trying to say that everything that's happened, that last night - " he choked on the words, face reddening still, but he refused to lower his gaze, trying to quell the feeling of shame and embarrassment that he was so damned inexperienced, that he had been apparently wrong in thinking the attraction went both ways, that he'd gotten swept up in everything.
"Was that what all of the whole being friendly thing was about?" Tolliver asked helplessly, voice hoarse. "You just trying to get into my pants?" He shook his head, swaying a little, standing directly a few inches in front of Hitch with a refusal to move, a refusal to break eye contact, tension heavy in his shoulders.
"If that was all that you were trying to do by being nice to me, then <******** you."
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Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 12:38 am
Hitch's ire had already begun fading, even before Tolliver had uttered a word. He wanted to stay angry, he desperately did. But really, what had Tolliver done to him, aside from ask a question any normal person would want the answer to?
It'd been Hitch's fault, his weakness, his flaw.
When Tolliver snapped and began to yell, at first, Hitch's eyes widened - but it wasn't really out of surprise. He deserved it. He deserved every last word of it, and more. The closer Tolliver came, the louder his voice got, the more Hitch's eyes darkened. The more hunched his shoulders became. By the end, every inch of him was guilt and regret, and if it wasn't for Tolliver's refusal to break their eye contact, he would have been staring squarely down at the floor.
"I... I'm sorry, " was the first thing he managed to choke out, for all the damn good it did. He curled his hands into fists so tight they ached, and wished he had something else in him. Something that made him less him and more someone better than that. "That wasn't... no, I didn't, I... ******** I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I know that's s**t, but I -- I never meant to do this, I -- you're right, I'm so -- I didn't wanna ******** this up." This being them, a friendship or anything.
And he had. Gloriously. In every damn way. "I know it was all me, I know, I -- ********, I -- " Hitch's gaze dropped. "It's... it's a family thing. That's why I -- that's all I can -- I didn't mean it, what I said, I - I should go, " and he took a step back, trying again to find his shirt.
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Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 12:45 am
He could physically see the anger melting away from Hitch's face, replaced by a myriad of emotions that Tolliver couldn't pick apart. He'd never been as good at reading people as his brother was, and Hitch was was a twisted, complex set of feelings that were all woven tightly together.
The pent up frustration and fury had begun to ebb as quickly as it had come. Tolliver felt the space between them acutely, felt the physical manifestation of all of his uncertainties and self-doubting as though it were a brand against his skin. He took a sharp breath, an inhale deep enough to make his throat hurt.
What exactly had he hoped to accomplish from this? Hitch had apologized, and now...
Now what?
Without thinking about it, without even being aware that he was moving, Tolliver's hand shot out, his fingers closing around one of Hitch's arms. He realized a second later, belatedly, what he was doing, and his face reddened, but he had also realized that he did not want Hitch to walk out of there thinking that Tolliver hated him.
He opened his mouth to say something and then promptly shut it again, words failing him.
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Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 12:58 am
Hitch's eyes widened again, sucking air audibly through his teeth when Tolliver reached out to stop him. His hand felt so warm on him, so - here, present, alive. He turned back to Tolliver and lifted his gaze, slowly, feeling like he didn't deserve to look at him.
He reached over with his other hand, taking Tolliver's hand gently in between his own - he could have resisted and pulled back any time he wanted to. Otherwise, Hitch squeezed it gently in his grasp. "I'm sorry, " he repeated again, like a broken record. "I... will you still come?"
It wasn't exactly desperation in his voice, nor loneliness. It was someone that desperately wanted to hope, even if they were forgetting how. "On Friday - you still wanna learn?"
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Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 1:05 am
The touch of Hitch's fingers fingers over his own made his chest tighten a little more, and Tolliver didn't pull away. His eyes had flickered up to rest on Hitch's, his mind working furiously to put together the pieces to a puzzle he had inadvertently walked into.
The question caught him off guard. Tolliver was utterly confused at first, mouth slightly open, bemusement in his eyes - until it suddenly clicked into place.
"Oh," he said, and breathed in sharply, his head feeling a little hazy. He gave it a slight shake, as though trying to clear it. "Yes," said Tolliver "I...yes, I do."
And hesitantly he returned the squeeze to Hitch's fingers, his own trembling slightly. It still wasn't clear to him what all of this actually meant - what he wanted, what he didn't want, what Hitch did or didn't want, if what had happened the night before would ever happen again - but at the very least, Tolliver at least knew that Hitch had not been nice to him for shallow reasons.
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Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 1:17 am
Hitch cracked a small smile when Tolliver agreed to come, and his relief was obvious, some of the tension finally seeping from his shoulders. "Thanks." He said quietly, and even if he knew why he said it he almost wished he hadn't. A blush seeped onto his cheeks, however fleeting it was.
He clutched Tolliver's hand longer than he had to; he didn't know where he wanted this to go, if anywhere. Even if he knew it was wrong, what she would have thought - was it so bad to want something so good? - his mother would probably say it felt good for a reason. Temptation wasn't made to feel like s**t. But --
There was time. There was time now. The noose had been loosened, the fox had been sprung free from the hound. He could breathe again. "I really do gotta go, " he said, still quietly - like he didn't want to ruin the peaceful moment. He'd find a way to ******** it up. "Soon, I mean; I gotta get back to my place and to the other job by four, " just so he knew he wasn't making up excuses.
"But I could, uh... y'know, " he cleared his throat, at last thinking to release Tolliver from his grasp. "If you're hungry or some s**t, I could make you somethin' - if you don't mind me usin' your kitchen - it won't be great or nothin' but - " Let me make it up to you?
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Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 1:27 am
The relief was palpable; it seeped into Tolliver as well, warming over his shoulders, easing some of the tension. His fingers were still trapped within Hitch's grasp; he'd made no move to pull them free, for reasons he couldn't quite figure out yet.
He wanted to say you're welcome, but it felt awkward on his tongue, because he wasn't quite certain what Hitch was thanking him for. For not leaving? For not letting him leave, at least not when they had both been filled with anger and resentment?
Tolliver swallowed hard, lamenting the loss of Hitch's fingers almost immediately but drawing his hand back to himself, letting it fall away.
"Yes," he said, a little breathlessly, and reigned it in hastily, face flushed. "That sounds...that sounds nice. Breakfast sounds...nice."
He couldn't think of any other adjectives, like an idiot. Tolliver ran a hand through his hair, slowly realizing that he probably should sit down, his leg throbbing unpleasantly, but he turned to look at Hitch anyway, because, well, he was right there and he was nice to look at when he wasn't yelling at him.
"...thanks for not leaving," Tolliver said softly, and then internally flinched. "I mean," he amended hastily. "For...for not, er...not leaving immediately."
His expression softened a little. "Thank you," he said again, voice quiet, but sincere.
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Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 12:36 pm
The way Tolliver said it and the way he blushed made Hitch fidget, as much as he wished he could pretend it didn't. But even if things weren't really okay, it was... they were okay. That was enough for now. He was grateful for it.
He hadn't expected anything else from Tolliver; the fact that he had stopped him and seemingly accepted Hitch's apology was more than he deserved, really. So when his friend thanked him, Hitch looked at him, wide-eyed and visibly shocked.
Slowly, he smiled, tilting his head forward and allowing his bangs to fall across his face. Maybe the touches of red at the end would obscure the fresh splash of red on his face. Embarrassed, flustered, moved. Tolliver didn't have to thank him. After the way he'd treated him, s**t -- "No, I -- you're -- hah, " he rubbed the back of his neck, almost self-consciously. "Thanks agan for... stoppin' me, Tolli."
He'd said it already - but Tolliver deserved to hear it again. Besides - if he didn't say something, he knew he'd do something instead. Hitch was still very much aware that Tolliver was still close enough to touch, and his fingers twitched as his side.
Instead, he tapped his leg on his denim clad thigh a few times before laughing, in brighter spirits now, even if his head was still pounding. Time enough to fix that later. "Hope you got eggs. - hope you like eggs - " he amended, backing up a step. "Oh, ********, I can do french toast if you got bread! - ******** please tell me you're a french toast guy or this is gonna be a problem - there better be some vanilla or somethin' in there, " and he was more or less talking to himself as he wandered into the kitchen.
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