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 Posted: Fri Jun 12, 2015 3:09 pm
"Aye, it's perspective. And he is always him no matter what. It's important. He's become like, part of my foundations, I try and base myself on his stability, it helps a bit, I don't lose it so often these days. I mean, no in the same ways."
"Some people have no solutions too. They are just an endless maze with no way out and you like, end up stuck in that maze with them. I don't want people to be stuck with me if what they want is like, to find an end, an exit."
The contact made the hair under Jordan's fingers rise like hackles as it sent a pleasant shiver along Rep's spine. He set down his can on the floor and moved back to wrap his arms around the other man tightly in a hug, head still buried against his shoulder.
"I'm no..." he murmured, as if it pained him to say it, to have to reassure Jordan of something so innocent. "I'm no hitting on you. I'm no trying to freak you out. Please don't pull away."
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Posted: Fri Jun 12, 2015 3:28 pm
"You're good together. Good for each other." Jordan meant that, in all the ways he could mean it, grateful for how well they fit together, even if that ended up meaning that there wouldn't be room for him. Maybe it wouldn't, after all, but if it did, he would still be content that they hadn't come apart and wouldn't.
"I don't want an end," he said, very quietly, and moved to put his can down as Rep did, uncertain what the other man intended. Sometimes, in the depths of pain, he'd thought about an exit or an end, one way or another, thought that maybe it would be better to cut off the source and try to heal, try to forget. But always it came back to this, back to the ache and the longing and to being understood in a way nobody else quite got, to needing and to being needed, even after all the pain they'd inflicted on each other.
He wrapped his arms around Rep's shoulders, resting his cheek against red hair. His breathing stuttered, ragged and uneven. His voice was low and equally unsteady. "I won't.'
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Posted: Fri Jun 12, 2015 3:58 pm
Rep nodded, there was no question at all in his mind that it was true, there was no room to argue on it for him, he needed Harrison the way other people needed air, he was what kept him functioning, from the moment he woke up in the morning till he went to bed at night. It was an absolute. But he realised it was not an absolute that negated Jordan, Jordan was important for his own merits and all of them were important.
"I don't want one either." he said and for a few long moments just listened to the familiar heartbeat he'd been sure he'd have forgotten by now. If it came to drawing a line and saying no more, he would never have this again, he would never have the deep and resonant comfort that came with the kinship that he and Jordan shared. They wrecked one another, time and time again, but to Rep it was like wildfire and what came after it was important in ways he'd never realised. Right now there was nothing to tear him down, nothing to rein him in but other people, and ultimately most other people simply didn't care. Unchecked things went badly quickly.
He didn't want to let go, aware that when he did it would be back to the carefully drawn physical boundaries and restraint, the control that made him feel he was something dangerous, some explosive and terrible thing that had to be handled with care lest he kill Jordan simply by accidentally striking his emotions. And maybe that was what he was and maybe he could, but it didn't make him feel any better about it. Like this he could pretend it was before, he could relax into the contact, but even then only to a point, because if it was before, he would have kissed him and he knew right now, he could not.
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Posted: Fri Jun 12, 2015 4:07 pm
Jordan's breathing evened out slowly, the thudding of his heartbeat slowing into a calmer rhythm, and he said nothing more. He closed his eyes and let himself feel the rise and fall of Rep's chest as he breathed, the familiar living warmth of him. He wasn't ready to let go just yet. It wasn't the same, the conversation wouldn't end in kisses and a warm and tangled closeness, but he could be held for a while, and that would be enough.
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