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 Posted: Wed Feb 25, 2015 5:38 pm
Gale gave a nod that was meant to be of understanding but was only 90% understanding because he wasn't sure what that meant Cami was then. Maybe a friend with benefits sort of thing? Either way, it didn't really matter, she clearly meant a lot to Otto regardless of what she was.
"Maybe..." Gale said, his brow furrowing. "Maybe that's the problem, the whole...falling into a spell thing. You think it's all right, but then the spell is broken when you're away. Or something."
He felt marginally frustrated he was not being more helpful. "And Maebe is..." Gale prompted cautiously, just to clarify all of Otto's relationships.
The question gave him pause. Gale leaned his head back against the couch.
"Yeah," he said honestly, his voice quiet. "Yeah, I have. A few times, actually."
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Posted: Wed Feb 25, 2015 5:59 pm
"Maebe is...." Otto felt his words cease. Maebe. She wasn't his girlfriend anymore, he supposed. How final that felt. He couldn't answer straight away, feeling the hurt inside swell. "Um... I guess she was my girlfriend." Was. He felt his ears plug as if stuffed with cotton. He'd hurt her terribly, more so because he'd felt hurt. When he was hurt, he hurt others, hoping to deflect his pain. He deflected, and it shot one he loved. He gave Gale a considering look. It felt good to know he wasn't talking total nonsense. That feeling he felt take over him more often than not, it wasn't just something he experienced. Maybe it was a human thing to feel. "Kinda like I'm empty, but I remember what it's like not to be. I act the same, but I don't feel the same. Like... I just play pretend, or more like I'm playin' a recording. It's frustratin' cause I know what I should feel like, but I don't know how to fix it."
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Posted: Wed Feb 25, 2015 8:02 pm
It took Gale approximately 5.2 seconds to understand what Otto had just said and place all of the pieces together in the correct order.
Oh. Well, then.
Things made a tiny bit more sense now. He sat there and pulled his knees up a little higher, feet propped up on the coffee table as he idly twisted Jinhai's ring on his finger and watched Otto. Gale had turned his head to look at him, a somewhat contemplative look on his face.
"Yeah," he said simply. "I was like that for a long time after Leslie - my sister, you know - after I realized she was never going to wake up. I kind of just felt like..." He struggled to find the right words. "Like I was just going through the motions, like I wasn't really there, that I just sort of existed except not really. After Ben died too, since I felt like that was my fault."
Gale's fingers stilled on the ring. "Is it because...because of Maebe and Cami?" he asked. "Did something happen that made you...feel empty?"
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Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2015 8:03 am
Gale had his hair share of losses just like Otto had. How had they managed to keep going after so much loss? All the pain, and the pieces of their heart and soul being crushed along the way? Otto considered Gale's question, an arm crossed over his midsection, the other hand tapping his bottom lip in thought. Was it the fight? The fight had indeed made him fall apart at the seams. But then there must have been other things that had caused those seams to weaken beforehand, right? "Dunno.." He murmured. "I dunno if it was just them. We had a big fight, cause of somethin' I did, and the way me n' Maebe handled it." Maebe had become horribly angry and violent in the wake of it all, and he feared she also turned self destructive. It had been his fault. He should have realized that she was so much more fragile under her sassy shield. "After it, I just fell apart, I guess. But I really feel like it started before that. I hadn't been feelin' right for a while now. This just kinda blew it up everywhere." He wondered how long he could avoid explaining exactly what happened in order for Gale to understand. He wished it was something normal, like a terrible fight with Fear Creatures or other more viable and simple causes for his pain. The fact that creature attacks were now normal made him feel worse. "I just wish I were normal." He murmured, "Like... human, normal. The sort of normal I always thought I was." When his ideal of normal had been a job, a wife and children. Or even just this job, a girlfriend and a quiet living space. That was what normal people wanted. Not a scarred man who slept with two different women, and a man on the side; even if he'd only had sex with him once under the influence of booze and fatigue. Normal people didn't do such things. His life was chaos. "I shouldn't have to find normality in a hotel room thousands of miles from everyone I know." His wants and needs had changed too drastically. He had so much on his mind and plate. Two women he'd had to take care of and keep happy, fighting with his wavering ideal of sexuality, the marks on his hand and arm that spelled a doom soon to come that he had no way to prepare for. He felt his stability crumble underneath the weight of these issues.
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Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2015 1:08 pm
Even as Otto was thinking it ,Gale himself was trying to figure out how he'd managed to drag himself out of the holes that he'd been buried in. How long had it taken after Ben had died for him to actually be able to let go and admit that it had maybe been partly his fault, but at the same time, that was okay and he needed to move on? All the dreams and the nightmares he'd had of Ben since then were just reminders that he was capable of moving forward even with the mistakes he'd made.
At least, he liked to think that way.
"So basically, something stupid happened," said Gale, with a nudge to Otto's side in an attempt at lightening the mood just a small bit. "And everything sort of cascaded after that, like things tend to do around here. It's never just one thing that sucks, it's like a series of things, one after the other."
His face softened a little. Gale picked absently at the couch, tugging at a stray thread.
"I don't think...there's an actual definition of 'normal,' that you have to stick to," he said hesitantly, winding the thread around one of his fingers. "I mean, normal for one person isn't the same as normal for someone else. And 'normal' is such a subjective term, I bloody well am not normal either. It seems to me that you're trying to carry too much all at once, and you're gonna get crushed beneath it if you keep going."
There was a small pause, and then Gale added quietly, "I don't really want you to get crushed, Otto. If I can help you at all..."
But then he trailed off, feeling inadequate in his abilities, his advice, his wanting to help.
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Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2015 1:58 pm
Something stupid. He supposed it wasn't an uncommon thing for Otto to do, even if he liked to believe he was mostly reasonable. He'd just expected more of himself in the end. He nodded to Gale's words. Piles upon piles of happenings that ultimately led to one breakdown or another. This one just happened to be more profound then others he recalled having. Gale's concern was somewhat surprising. He'd always considered the other man more of a rival than a friend; in the past. However, somehow, he came back to him more and more as a reasonable equal to talk to. He blinked softly, staring at his lap with his lids lowered in brooding thought. "I feel like I've been told not to carry the world on my shoulders.. at least once before." Maybe it had been Ripley. He wasn't certain. "But I do it anyway. I feel like it's the only redeemable thing I'm good at. People can at least say I didn't allow myself too much ease if I end up doing somethin' real bad." Really, his reasoning for anything he thought and did always seemed horribly ridiculous. Even to him, now. "Ain't too good at sharin' burdens; since they're all my own to begin with. Nobody ought to be carryin'em for me."
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Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2015 4:01 pm
A year or two earlier - maybe even a few months ago - and Gale wouldn't even have offered Otto the chocolate in the first place, since their relationship had been rocky at best for the majority of their time on the island. But Gale had soon discovered that they had things in common anyway, and they'd long since learned that they were both on the same side of things.
That, and being close in age - even with Otto being older - made things marginally easier.
(Kind of.)
"You and I are similar in that way, at least," Gale pointed out, with a slight smile. "I have a habit of taking on everything as well, according to Stormy. But it's not your job to fix everything, especially if things aren't broken in the first place. And for the record," he added, "There are plenty of things you're good at it. Like being a git."
This was offered with a little smile that faded at Otto's despondent tone. Gale couldn't say that he didn't understand that; his pride at being able to do everything on his own was one of his biggest traits, whether good or bad, he didn't know anymore.
"What is it that you want, exactly?" Gale asked. "Other than being normal, I mean. Like, what is it that you want, right now?"
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Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2015 4:16 pm
Being a git. What a terribly and hilariously Gale thing to say. Yet Otto didn't have the heart to poke fun at how very British he sounded. Otto also sort of wanted to ask what a git even was, but he had a feeling it meant something similar to brat or idiot; if the context was any indication. To Gale's curious question, Otto's face fell. Fell more than it had already been sitting at. When he spoke next, it was in a voice that seemed so small and lost, it was pathetic. "I have no idea." The admission was full of shame and sorrow. Otto Graves had no idea what he wanted, even in a hypothetical sense. For even if he could leave Deus and run away to the real world, there was nothing he could possibly think of that would lead to a happier him. Right now.. what did he want? He just wanted to know himself, he supposed. Remember who he was. Who was Otto Graves, other than a git, apparently. He swallowed dryly, "I guess... I just wanna figure myself out. Like.. maybe I need to re-learn who I am. I feel like I don't know what that is anymore."
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Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2015 6:38 pm
He'd somehow seemed to make things worse, judging by the way Otto's face seemed to fall and the way he seemed to fold in on itself. Gale stopped tugging on the stray thread and looked at the other in slight alarm; this was not an Otto he was used to, the small voice incredibly pained.
"I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing," said Gale cautiously. "I mean, re-learning who you are. Maybe that's how you can get to where you want to be. You start from scratch, try new things, experiment. Figure out what works and what doesn't work, what you like and what you don't like. If you find something that's good, something that works for you, something that makes you feel good, then you just keep doing it."
His hand idly smoothed along the couch cushions between them, Jinhai's ring glinting silver and gold. The eyepatch over his eye was itching annoyingly, and not for the first time, and Gale lifted his other hand, rubbing at his cheek.
"If you mess up along the way, then you mess up," he said. "Screw ups sometimes make it easier to see what you really want."
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Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2015 7:02 pm
" Colossal screw ups hurt more than just me, though.." He murmured back. He almost felt bad for bringing down the mood of the room, even if it hadn't been terribly chipper to begin with. It was Gale, and maybe some part of him might have been pleased to make him squirm in the past. This was hardly such a time. To re-learn himself from scratch seemed so farfetched. He still felt tied and obligated to Maebe and Cami. Like his life and decisions were not for him to make on his own, as much as he wished they were. And as for what he wanted, or things he enjoyed? He'd learned some new and unpleasant things about himself early in the year, and he'd not liked that he'd liked it. It hurt his stomach just remembering it. The pain was guilt, he assumed. It made him ill to remember the pain it had caused Maebe. The pain it had caused Zac when he'd misinterpreted Otto's despair after the fact. Otto had made an awful mess of so many lives, just be being himself. He suddenly didn't feel so well. Was the room just a bit too hot now? Maybe the chocolate had been sour. Did chocolate even go sour? Otto closed his eyes and let out a slow and shaky breath. Why was everything so difficult? He didn't wish for easy answers, he supposed. Even if he was offered the ability to forget it all, he'd likely decline as he once did way back when. Life was hard, and terrible, but by God he'd fix things with his own power. Pride he supposed played a large part of that. Problems also did not vanish just because he forgot them, anyway. Nothing was so easy. "I'm afraid to screw up more." He finally spoke again after some semblance of an attempt to collect himself. "I might hurt someone again. I don't care if I get hurt. That's fine. It's people I care about that matter more." Obligation, more than care, he thought. For someone's pain to be his own fault, maybe. He could take no more guilt. It was eating him alive, and there was not much left of him to devour. The people he cared about mattered more, because in his eyes, he deserved nothing less than pain, even if he wanted so badly to be rid of pain. He had no room to forgive himself. Weights and burdens piled on all the more. This wasn't helping. He was talking to Gale, and being as honest as he could allow with him, but he was not getting closer to an answer. He simply fell deeper into hating himself and his life. He shook his head. "Sorry I ain't exactly great company." He said with true regret. He liked Gale enough that he didn't wish to let the other boy see him like this.
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Posted: Sat Feb 28, 2015 9:55 pm
He couldn't deny that; how many times had he managed to screw things up and hurt other people in the process? Gale rubbed idly at his eye again before dropping his hand, reminding himself that it wouldn't do him any good anymore.
"Okay, well," said Gale slowly, trying to ease Otto into the conversation, rather than scare him off with unnecessary advice or superfluous commentary. "Other people's hurt...it happens. Screw ups happen, things happen. s**t happens, as you like to say. But facing things head on always seems to work better than pretending that they don't exist. Acting like something doesn't matter to you when it does, or saying you hate something when you really doesn't, it never works."
He lapsed into silence, eying Otto with a look of concern on his face. "There's that saying," said Gale quietly. "The whole...'fear exists to be conquered' thing. Don't take everything on yourself. Other people's happiness are not your job to maintain. You can't set yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm."
A breath eased out of him, slightly frustrated, not at Otto, but with himself.
"I'm sorry I'm not much more help," Gale said, looking at the other. "I really do want to do something for you. I want you not to feel - and look - like you're drowning in whatever is eating you from the inside out."
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Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 6:46 am
Gael's advice was sound. It really was. Otto only wished that accepting good advice was as easy as listening to it. He fell so easily into easy answers, and was won over by pretty promises any time he did try to deviate from his comfort zone. He'd been trying. He really had. But time and time again, he was setting himself on fire. Otto gave Gale a small, brief smile. He really was a good guy, with a big heart. Despite all the sassing and harsh words they gave each other; more so Otto gave to him than the other way around. Otto was always poor at making friends, yet he seemed to have so many anyway. "It's almost funny." He murmured soon after. "When I first got to this island, hurtin' people didn't bug me at all. Not one bit." Why had that changed? "I need to channel my inner brat.... or git. Inner git."
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Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 1:42 pm
Gale twisted Jinhai's ring, mostly out of habit now than anything else. "Well, things have changed a lot since the beginning," he pointed out, with a slight smile. "In the beginning, you and I couldn't stand each other, and I thought you were a cow because you were always annoyed at me."
His expression grew a little more serious. Gale leaned his head back against the couch and looked up at the ceiling.
"I think a part of me was mostly just jealous of you, actually," he said quietly. "You and I, we're almost the same age, and you seemed to be able to gravitate towards people much more easily than I could, and vice versa. It took me a long time after coming here to actually make a friend other than Bix, and almost two years to find Stormy. You were...pretty cool, and there was that side of me that wanted to be able to do what you could do."
He settled his hands into his lap. "I don't think it's necessarily about not feeling about hurting other people, I think it's more...you owe it to yourself to take care of yourself, to do things that you like, to be how you want to be without fear of judgement or that you'll screw things up."
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Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 2:20 pm
Otto's eyes widened and he gave Gale a look of disbelief. Surely the man would laugh or jab his ribs in jest. But, Gale was being serious as usual. Gale admitted he'd been jealous. Otto almost couldn't admit aloud that sadly he hadn't been a d**k due to jealousy. He'd just thought the young Brit to be annoying as Hell. "I dunno... people gravitated to me, but I never really knew why." He murmured. "Still don't get it. I never pretended to be nice or nuthin', so why they stuck around, I just don't get it." He was grateful, of course. But it never made sense. "I sure felt more defensive back then. I didn't wanna get close to people. Now... now I feel like if I lose someone.. I lose'em forever." Talking helped. Maybe he'd still be lost five minutes later, but talking just seemed to make things clear, even if it was only for a moment.
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Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 3:23 pm
The corners of Gale's lips quirked up as he glanced sideways at Otto. Who would have thought that he would have been sitting here, talking like this with the guy that he'd disliked for much of his time on the island so far? But he rather thought that, somewhere along the way, their similarities and their differences had seemed to balance each other out enough for them to be able to communicate well.
"You're just kind of like that bloke," said Gale, slightly amused. "That's just how you are. People like you because you're fun, and you don't care what people think. You were honest, right?" His expression softened a little. "Back then, you were more honest, I think, and that was what drew people to you, even if it was just blunt. You didn't pretend."
Gale had, at times. Acted as though everything was all right when it wasn't. Pretended he knew what he was doing when he didn't.
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