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 Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2015 12:27 pm
"I don't know." Noah stared at his feet. "It feels ... it feels different. I just. All I really know is that when I, when I read your letter. When I read it I felt like. Like it was the end of the world."
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2015 12:37 pm
"It felt like the end of the world writing it," Al admitted as he carefully shuffled around Noah to try and sit beside him on the edge. Never losing contact with him but reducing it to just an arm looped behind him to rest on his opposite side. Forearm just barely pressing against his back.
He fell silent as he watched him. Thoughts swirling again but far less violently. He wasn't sure where to go from here. He decided to share in the hopes that perhaps they may figure it out together for once.
"Okay... so.. you like me and I really like you. You are presently unhappy. I am presently unhappy. Sums it up right?"
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2015 1:19 pm
Noah sighed deeply and slid a sideways look at Al, troubled and tired, and leaned a little on his friend's shoulder in spite of himself. "Yeah, I guess," he answered. "I'm, I just, I never wanted to hurt anyone and I did, and no matter what I do now I'm still going to hurt someone, and I, I feel like a huge a*****e."
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2015 1:32 pm
Al's hand slid back up to rub Noah's arm firmly up and down. He frowned at Noah as he finally looked back. "I know, you're a good person Noah. s**t happens sometimes. It's not like you ******** planned it this way."
"I mean, it went all wrong and messy and kind of haywire -" He smiled a little at his own feeble attempts at humor, "- if it was a plan, you're terrible at them."
He drew a deep deep breath as it felt like his heart was shuddering in his chest before going back to the subject, "I miss you so much. I can't put it into words and I have so much trouble and I just - I don't know what to do Noah. I can't be around if it means watching from the sidelines."
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2015 2:04 pm
"I didn't plan it. But I'm terrible at plans anyway." The statement was accompanied by something that was almost a smile.
Noah's whole body tensed again. "I know. It's. That's fair, I understand." He swallowed hard, then burst out, "I miss you. I can't - I can't lose you."
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2015 2:13 pm
Al frowned far deeper than he intended, not that he could help it. "I know. I know, I can't lose you either." His hand stopped the rubbing motion and tugged Noah closer.
"I... I really really hate putting you on the spot. I really do. But. But I decided that if your answers... if..." He swallowed hard. "If this is how things were. Then I am willing to fight. I will fight to the death if I have to. Being idle... it just. It's been a year now Noah." He peered directly into Noah's eyes, unblinking and determined now. "If I have to fight to be with you like before, I will."
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2015 2:20 pm
Noah shook his head and swallowed hard, straightening up a little and making himself look Al in the eye. "No. It's not - this is my fault, this is my responsibility. I'm not. I'm not like, some princess, if I'm gonna choose then it's my job to do the, to do the right thing and not make somebody else do it. And. And it has to come from me if it's going to mean anything."
He took a quick, harsh breath and brought his hands up to rub at his face, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. "I'm sorry I -- I'm sorry I messed this up so bad."
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2015 2:27 pm
Al relaxed visibly and his hold on Noah did too. He slid his hand down to rest limply on Noah's hip while his other hand took up residence on his knee. He looked away, nervous now.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that man. This is so awkward. I've never felt like this before really. I don't know how to react or what to do. I want you and I want you to see that I want you."
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2015 2:45 pm
"I haven't either. It, it kind of freaks me out. I guess." Noah leaned over and rested his head on Al's shoulder briefly, then pulled away again as a twist of guilt made itself known in his chest. He shouldn't let himself do that, not while he was still -- when they weren't together. He wasn't a cheater, he'd been insisting to himself; but maybe emotions counted. Probably emotions counted, and so probably he already was, but he refused to make it any worse. "I'm sorry," he said again, miserably.
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2015 3:25 pm
"I'm sorry too," he confessed as he removed his hand from Noah's knee. "I'm putting a lot on your plate right now, I know. I just..." He finally turned away from him and put both of his hands in his lap. "....what is going to happen now?"
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Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2015 2:20 pm
"I. I don't know." Noah looked sideways at Al's hands and breathed deeply. "I'm. I'm going to have to break up with Pey," he said, forlornly, tiredly. "I thought. I thought I loved her. But if, if I can say to myself, if I can say to myself that I can't lose you even if I have to tell her we're done, me and her. Maybe. Maybe I didn't really." He swallowed again and closed his eyes, trying to stop the stinging from turning into tears. "I didn't want to hurt her," he said. "I like her. She's nice and she's cute. I just."
He folded his hands together, staring down at them dismally. "I never lied on purpose," he said, softly, sadly. "I really thought I. I really thought I was."
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Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2015 2:31 pm
Al reached over to try and slip his hand over the back of one of Noah's and gave it a little squeeze. He hoped the comfort he had intended was felt by the other man. His legs began to sway a little. "I just. I hope you're not doing this just to make me happy." He couldn't help that niggling feeling as it bore into the back of his thoughts.
"But I think I understand what you are saying. I hope I am. I just. I have to be sure, you know?"
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Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2015 2:45 pm
Noah turned his hand over to take hold of Al's. "I'm gonna have to hurt someone," he answered. "I'm gonna have to hurt someone and make someone else happy, and, and." He took a deep breath, blew it out. "I have to pick who I'm going to hurt and who I'm gonna make happy. And. And I didn't know, when you asked me before, that I needed to pick. That if I didn't pick you you would have to go."
With his free hand, he rubbed his eyes, wiping away any moisture that might have been there. "I understand," he said. "If. If you got a girlfriend I would, I would have to do the same thing. Like. I didn't realize before how much that would hurt. How bad it would hurt me and how jealous I would get." He looked determinedly at his knees. "So I don't, I didn't, I'm sorry. I didn't know how much I was hurting you. Now I know, now I know and I have to choose who I'm going to hurt and who I'm going to make happy, and." He swallowed. "Now I know."
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Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2015 3:21 pm
Al slipped his fingers between Noah's and nodded slowly with understanding, "I just wish you didn't have to do it alone." It was strange how much such a small gesture mattered, the warmth and comfort that came with it. It had been a very very long time. So long it made his heart ache at the thought of losing it again even if only temporarily.
Al's thumb began idly stroking the side of Noah's hand, "but my presence would only make things worse." He looked at Noah's face again finally and wondered what the rules were with this sort of thing. Even if the cheating already occurred, does that mean he had to still stay away until it was done? It felt wrong just jumping onto things right now... they were both very vulnerable.
"I can keep my distance until it is certain, if you want."
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