Welcome to Gaia! ::

I am sitting around listening to Blackmore's Night, drinking tea and wondering what to do with my life... been in a bit of a weird mood lately.

Just your regular, boring old black tea.
I think I am in a weird mood because I was smoking -ehem- "herbs" the other day and my friend freaked out and had a bit of a breakdown and that messed with my head. Those thoughts are always in the back of my mind but they seemed to suddenly break free and take over my mind a bit.

He has had a bit of paranoia in the past but I thought he was in a pretty good place when we started smoking. Obviously there was quite a bit of stress he was suppressing or just didn't want to mention. I was so overcome with guilt that night when he started crying. I know he is a sensitive guy and I can be quite stressful and hard to be around sometimes... I just didn't/couldn't know how much it got to him.

I tucked him into bed that night and kissed him on the forehead (even though I was feeling some combination of pain, guilt and anger that he was making me feel all this guilt and pain) The next morning he was fine... or at least he said he was fine. I cried on his shoulder and said I was sorry for upsetting him and he went home to get ready for work.
He seems fine in our text conversations... but I keep thinking he must hate me... and I think some emotional barrier in my mind broke that night. My strength or resilience or something.
Anyways I have always had poor mental health and I think it is just going to take some time and effort to get back to an ok place.
Everytime I get in a bad mood I get scared though. I worry that I will spiral back into a really bad place and not be able to get out again.

Phew! Sorry about the venting sweatdrop

It is good to talk about things. I haven't had anyone I could talk to in over a year... ever since my best friend moved away. I think I sort of became a bit cold and distant to protect myself. All the things that went on last year and not being able to talk with anyone. I cut myself off from feeling a bit.
Perhaps I should make a journal here in this guild. Maybe it is time to let my guard down and connect with people again. Possibly I should go see a psychologist again... though I don't think I am quite ready to take that step.

I just have to get through my anxiety/fear of judgement so I can actually talk about stuff.
...Though I think I have just snapped and started blabbering away here.
Funny how I can only let go when I have no strength left.