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 Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 3:09 pm
"Except I wouldn't. Because he's me. He's mine, he's part of me, half of me, I don't tear him down because I'm too ******** busy doing it to the shitty half of me." he patted his chest. "This ******** half. I didn't do anything to you I wouldn't do to myself ******** sevenfold, so don't start thinking I somehow saved cruelty up special for you. I didn't. I just thought you understood. I thought you ******** spoke my language. But I guess you just lied to me the way you lie to everyone, where you pretend to be what they want you to be and do it so well they honestly think you are. Until you ******** aren't."
He spread his arms, aggression slipping into his gestures, into the predatory way he moved. "If I think something is wrong I tell you and I ******** told you. You just said nothing, expected me to read your mind or rolled the ******** over. When you stood up to me it was until I ******** bared my teeth at you and then you backed down like a ******** p***y. And thats the thing. I wanted to protect you when you had your nightmares, you were vulnerable but I thought you were honest and strong, that it was just a single ******** moment of weakness, of course I'd defend that moment of weakness. I can be pretty ******** generous that way." he clenched his hands tightly before resuming talking animatedly with his hands as he spoke. "But you made me doubt ******** everything. You turned cold. You turned ******** icy and there's nothing I hate more than ice, there's nothing I hate more than the feeling that someone thinks they are ******** better than me. Smarter than me. And sometimes you oozed it. Self effacing but smug as ********. I started wanting to tear you down for real, to get back to the honesty I tasted once."
Tracey stirred in his thoughts but said nothing, a reassuring flex of powerful steel and feathers.
"And I'm ******** tough enough to take it when I can fight back, when I'm on ******** even ground, but right now you are the one with the advantage because I don't care what you said, you hurt me, you started shutting me out and ******** building walls long before I pulled back behind mine. You weren't there anymore, you started treating me like you treated those ******** Phoenix ********. I was interacting with a ******** robot who sometimes wanted to touch me and maybe I didn't want to be touched by that. I needed more than just ******** contact and you forgot how to be capable of it, and by the time you remembered? Well by the time you remembered maybe it was too ******** late, we had to start over from square one."
His smile was twisted and humourless. "But that was too hard too wasn't it? So you threw the ring and with it all the ******** promises to try no matter what. You burn bridges with me I'm not going to apologize for it. You know my history, you know what rejection is to me. I'm not your ******** brother who is going to tolerate being second best to you, I'm not going to demean myself for your protection, I fought you and you didn't ******** like it." he gestured at the cuff about his wrist.
"And even with this I'd ******** fight you again. But I bet if I did you'd try and demean me again, you wouldn't summon, you'd use that to spite my ******** pride. Because thats what always happens, just you ******** smug, looking down on me. I was always the brash one, the "stupid" one who needed tending and you were just perfect ******** Jordan who everyone loves and who everyone still ******** loves because they can't see the ******** ice."
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Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 3:40 pm
Jordan's mouth twisted. "When you tear me down any time I show a moment of weakness, how do you expect me to let you in? How can you expect hurting me to get you closer? When I can't afford to open up to you because you'll rip into me, how do you think you're going to see anything but walls?" His fists clenched again. "When you rejected everything I was and could be, when words failed and actions failed and touch failed, how do you expect me to do anything at all??"
"I threw the ring because I wanted to start a fight. I thought you loved me enough to fight, to call me back, to start over. To tell me not to leave. And then you didn't, and I had no choice left but to walk away. What else could I do? Beg for it and destroy any respect you might have left for me?" He shook his head sharply. "So you're rejecting me again. Is it because I'm flawed or because I'm perfect? I'm not," he added, and a flash of in-turned pain and self-hatred showed briefly in his eyes before they hardened again. "I ******** up. I'm well aware. I admit it." If we're bringing family into this, he thought, and clenched his teeth savagely on the words before anything could escape. There were still lines he refused to cross. "You can't even admit to what you did."
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Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 3:59 pm
"Tearing people down is how I get ******** close." he said coldly. "Because you were afraid to let me near, you got hurt. If you flinch in the face of a wolf, you are dead. You flinched every ******** time until you were just afraid." He smirked. "I mean, admit it, you are afraid of me. How the ******** can you love what you fear?"
He shook his head. "I don't call people back when they don't ******** want me, I did that too ******** much and it has never worked. No matter how much you plead, if people don't want you, they leave. If you wouldn't fight, why the ******** would I? I made it clear to you any number of times how important it was not to reject me but you did it anyway."
Crossing his arms he went on. "I readily ******** admit every day that I am a waste of space, that I'm a ******** monster, that I am unlovable, worthless and incapable of change. It doesn't fix anything. Tell me what the ******** I did."
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Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 4:10 pm
"How can you love anything else?" Jordan stared back, serious and dark-eyed. "You're afraid of getting close, and so you hurt anyone who might want to try. You'd rather name yourself a predator and a monster, because then it's not your ******** fault when people leave."
He crossed his arms. "I made it clear to you any number of times how important it was not to reject me," he said, "and you continued, over and over. You pushed me out. You hurt me, and you made me leave. That's what the ******** you did."
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Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 4:22 pm
There was cold rage in Rep's eyes as he looked at Jordan, the hurt tangled up in it. He wanted to hit him, to hurt him and make it stick this time, to really give him something to complain about. "People leaving is what made me what I am. I was right to push you away when you set that ******** distance between us, when you let slip your true priorities."
"And no I won't ******** accept that, I won't apologise for that. You never made anything clear, everything was always hazy, confused and mixed. And it still ******** is."
He shook his head dismissively. "Words aren't my territory."
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Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 4:31 pm
"I know," Jordan answered, the anger in him seeping out again into exhaustion, into sadness. "It made me, too. I don't know what you think my true priorities are. I helped make that distance, but I wasn't the only one. That's all I want to hear from you, now. That's all. I don't want an apology you wouldn't mean."
"Maybe words aren't your territory, but they're what I had left to tell you with. What I have left. And I can't make you listen or understand if you don't want to." He looked away briefly. "I never got time to grieve."
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Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 4:49 pm
"You weren't the only one. If that's what you want to ******** hear I can say it. But I don't apologise, everything I do I ******** mean. I wouldn't act if I didn't mean it or at least want it." He kept his eyes narrowed and his posture tense.
"And I don't know how much ******** time you want to grieve, you've been ******** avoiding me and the issue for months. Every time we talked you avoided it, and even that was ******** few and far between. Maybe if you hadn't run so much it would be easier to fix, but right now I find it hard to remember anything from you that wasn't ******** pain."
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Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 5:04 pm
"Thank you." Jordan tilted his head a little to the side, studying Rep, thinking about what had been said and not said. Rep contradicted himself constantly, and he meant all of it at once, and he expected others to pick out, somehow, what he meant the most. "What do you want?"
His mouth twisted again, sourly. "I haven't heard one goddamn word from you that wasn't me contacting you first," he pointed out. "I haven't talked about it much. But neither have you. I don't go where I'm not wanted. I can take a damn hint."
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Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 5:18 pm
"I told you what I want. In an ideal world I could sleep with you again, hang out with you again the way it was or at least close and you wouldn't ********, ******** everything up and I wouldn't ******** everything up either." Not that he had, but he decided he might as well give some generous concessions.
"You threw the ring back at me, I felt like that was a pretty ******** clear message you didn't want me to talk to you about anything, that you wanted the usual "time to yourself" to do whatever the ******** you do."
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Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 5:31 pm
Jordan sighed ruefully. "You'd think it would be easier to figure something out when we both want the same thing."
He unfolded his arms, tucked his hands into his pockets. "Neither of us read minds, I guess. I got it wrong, and so did you." He leaned back against the side of the booth. "Nothing's clear, and everything's hazy, so I should probably just state my position, make it clearer. I want to hang out with you again, and if we get something mutual worked out between all three of us, I'd like to sleep with you again. But I'm not going to let you tear me down, and I'm probably going to hurt you at some point." He met Rep's eyes. "I'm not going to back down from what I need. I also won't lie to you, either of you. I don't, and I won't."
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Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 5:39 pm
Rep exhaled in a sigh. "Well if any of that is supposed to be worked out, there's nothing more I can do about it. I've told you my stance, what I want, how I feel. It's Ace who holds all the cards." And he wasn't optimistic on that front, Harrison was stubborn and easily wounded, and once he was wounded it was a nigh impossible battle to get him to change his mind. "I'm a simple ******** man."
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Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 5:42 pm
Jordan angled an eyebrow at Rep. "Bullshit," he said. "You're one of the most complicated people I've ever met. I need another ******** drink," he went on, "and possibly a trip through the shadow run."
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Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 5:47 pm
Rep didn't feel relaxed, if anything he'd only managed to wind up the anxious rage in him even tighter. Nothing was easy, everything was infinitely frustrating and difficult to deal with, yet he put on his relaxed front. "First time I've heard that, most people seem to think I'm pretty one ******** dimensional. A lying, hypocritical psychopath." And he smiled bitterly. "I can get you another drink, I ******** want one, I can't do s**t about shadow run though. "
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Posted: Mon Dec 15, 2014 2:27 am
Jordan paused, looking at the set of Rep's shoulders, the unhappy edge to his smile. His hand lifted a little, and then he dropped it back to his side, once again squashing the impulse. "I don't think that, or I wouldn't be here." He began to turn toward the bar. Stopped, turned his head to look sideways at Rep. "I have one more question." He took a breath. "If you could never touch me again, if sex was out of the picture entirely, would you still want to hang out, talk, fight?" The question Harrison had asked him, before he'd left. Before he'd fled.
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Posted: Mon Dec 15, 2014 7:47 am
"It would annoy me." he said. "Fighting is almost sexual sometimes too, I would be ******** tempted, but I am tempted all the time with no desire to act on it. Other people on this shitty island might cheat, they might ******** around with anyone, but I'm loyal. I wouldn't ******** up your trust and Ace's trust that way." He shrugged. "Sex isn't the only ******** reason I liked you, it didn't ******** matter when I met you. I didn't think I'd ever get over my hangups when I ******** came here but I was still happy just to chill out with you, just to nap together and fight together." He shrugged. "Maybe bringing sex into it was when it all started to go wrong."
He sighed, clenching his hands again, tense and taking on that glazed look where his thoughts went somewhere else. "I think I only know how to be like. I only know how to dominate and hurt in sex. And its worse, so much ******** worse with women, but I think it can also be anyone who like. Who I feel like has shown weakness. I think part of me was scared of reverting to that. You'd touch me and the old like, monster would stir and I'd be like ******** hell don't touch me. Seriously."
He put his hands on his face. "I don't understand why it doesn't happen with Ace any more than you do. I don't know what the ******** is wrong with my head."
Taking a deep breath he tried to resume normalcy. "I don't need it. But I don't regret sleeping with you either, you gave me a chance to..." he waved a hand. "..explore s**t I'd never dared to."
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