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 Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2014 8:50 am
Jan still avoided looking at the other man, it was a situation he knew how to manage because he'd seen it so many times. His breathing stayed shallow but shivery, as if he was trying not to cry. "I shouldn't be hurt by it at all." he said. "I shouldn't be so invested. I am not normally this sensitive."
He took a slow steadying breath. "I won't ask you to belong only to me, it is something you are free to decide for yourself." Under his touch the pale skin rose up in goosebumps, always responsive to contact. "I am not good at it either. Its still hard to get used to the way it is here, I've had so many failed relationships in the past, people just...they get bored of me and they leave."
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2014 12:00 pm
Horace felt awful. Every shaking breath, every weaver of Jan's voice only made his guilt worse. He was stupid, so stupid, and he wondered now, with Jan in front of him trying not to cry, how he had ever thought Jan and America were still lovers. And, even if they were, if they had some volitile thing between them, he would tell himself it didn't matter. Hate was a strong emotion. Horace didn't want anyone to hurt Jan anymore. Including himself.
"Jan, look at me. Please." His voice was unhappy. If he had a second chance. Horace wouldn't have slept with Al. It was been a good diversion, a stalling of his own unpleasant thoughts, but it wasn't worth this. But he didn't have a second chance. Slowly, Horace reached his hand up and cupped Jan's face, moving him so he faced Horace.
"You are the least boring person I've met. I just... you're far out of my league, Jan. But, if you want me, you have me." His own voice was shaky, still uncertain, worried. Jan was a lot of things Horace wasn't and he knew he was so young and inexperienced in comparison. He brought nothing to Jan. But still, he hoped. His eyes searched Jan's, blue on blue. Leaning over, Horace kissed him - soft and hesitant. "How can I make it up to you?"
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Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2014 5:00 pm
"I am not out of anyone's league pardner." the blonde man said sadly, finally bringing himself to look at Horace, his blue eyes wide with emotion. He was the very picture of restrained emotion and it felt deeply satisfying, a hollow work of art with nothing but the void inside.
He leaned into the kiss and returned it. "I want you Horace, I really, truly do. I want you to be happy too."
Squeezing the other man's hand he lingered on the question, on what he could use it for.
"You don't have to make it up to me now." he said weakly. "Perhaps one day there will come a time when you can prove to me I am not just a fling, another in a long line. When that time comes you'll know. And then I will belong to you, wholly and utterly with nothing in between us."
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Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2014 8:54 pm
"I am happy, somehow, when I am with you. Don't sell yourself short." Horace lifted Jan's hand to his lips, kissing it. As he laid it back down, he let go, moving his hand to stroke across the nape of the other man's neck. He loved touching Jan - every shiver, every subtle lean into his touch. The emotion that painted Jan's face made me feel awful, still, and it made him want to protect the other man, somehow.
Even still, he wasn't stupid; Horace knew that Jan couldn't belong to him and only him. No one could or would. In this new world (and in the old, normal one), Horace was not top pick - he was convenience, ease. He was willing and pliable and he knew it. But he would take what he was given and be thankful for it; he could hold the words he heard close to his chest and take the comfort offered by them. And Horace desperately wanted to be comforted.
"Whatever you need from me, Jan. Whenever." It was the only thing he could offer of himself - everything.
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