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 Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 8:38 pm
He wasn't afraid of Harland; he was afraid of the emotions that came along with Harland, with the terrifying and liberating feeling of just letting go of everything that he was holding onto, with putting his trust in someone other than himself. And that was what it really came down to - trust. Alistaire trusted Harland Leander Belle, did not trust himself, but trusted Harland, because Harland was steady, Harland was constant, Harland was right here, ready and willing, to take everything onto himself just so Alistaire could be more at ease with himself.
He'd taken it for granted; he'd flouted it, denounced it, scoffed at it, and now he regretted it, because if he had known before that it would have been like this, maybe he would have acted differently.
Maybe he would have been able to let go earlier.
The expressions on Harland's face were almost overwhelming; the sheer pride and happiness and adoration in them was dizzying to Alistaire. Before he would have found it exhausting, perhaps even a little annoying, but now he let himself be surrounded by it, slowly but steadily inching his way toward finally being free.
Alistaire lowered his hands to his own lap, still sitting in Harland's, and his heart beat out a rapid rhythm against his ribcage, threatening to burst out of it. He didn't have to wait long; Harland had already kissed him back and then gentle hands had slid beneath his shirt, touched his waist, and a little hiss escaped from between Alistaire's teeth, his body tensing almost immediately; but he didn't pull away, didn't break his gaze from Harland's. The shirt, borrowed from Harland, slid higher, and for a second the panic rose; but then it ebbed down again. He leaned into the offered kisses, drowned in them, in the feel of Harland's lips against his neck, and Alistaire's hands slipped down to hold onto Harland's.
"You're wasting time," he murmured, faintly amused, against Harland's lips.
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Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 8:49 pm
Instead of Alistaire getting upset, he seemed to be amused by this. Harland laughed, and realized he was seriously having fun, right now. He wasn't upset or distressed or nervous so much as he was exhilarated and having a really good time. Besides, Alistaire had always been attractive, touching more and more skin was something Harland couldn't get enough of. In the showers it had been tempting enough, and Alistaire was in emotional chaos then.
"Wasting, hmm? How 'bout at the end ye can tell me how much of it was wasted," Harland promised, his voice low. "Why, do ye want to keep this thing on?" Harland teased him, moving to tug on Alistaire's bottom lip with his teeth and punctuate it with a kiss, his mouth twisted in a playful smile. He didn't move his hands so long as Alistaire was holding them down.
Harland tested the sheets tangling his legs up, seeing what his mobility was like. "Hold on tight?"
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Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 8:59 pm
He found, to his astonishment, that he was amused; that the tension that had been in his shoulders was slowly easing away, that he was more concerned about Harland and his well-being than anything else, than even himself, and the thought was immensely strange.
Strange in a good way, in a new and startling way, but in a good way.
Alistaire made a little sound low in the back of his throat that was swallowed by Harland's insistent kisses, and his hands lifted from Harland's, moved to wind around the other's neck. He pressed into Harland, keeping him pressed against the bed for a few more seconds as he kissed him with just as much insistence, fingers tangling in his hair before they slid to hold onto him. Alistaire buried his face into Harland's shoulder.
"I never said I did," he said, and his grip tightened on the other's neck.
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Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 9:12 pm
Harland laughed, and it was somewhere between delighted and devilish. It was like he had been unchained: given permission to be all that he was, because they could use it, now. It was exhilarating, the joy of running free and being unafraid.
So unlike the darkness of their first nights together, and such a change from the nightmares that had started the night. Harland would much rather be awake right now, for these eleven minutes, than anything else. "Glad t' hear it," Harland said, and got his legs free; he reached one broad hand under Alistaire's a** so he could support his thigh with his forearm. His other hand was on Alistaire's back. The tshirt was still on. He braced Alistaire and stood, slowly to make sure he didn't get tangled in the sheets. It was easy to lift Alistaire.
Harland was delighted, not for the first time, he spent so much damn free time working out while he sorted through the memories of his day. He carried Alistaire the couple steps over to the door, pressed his back against it, pinning him there. Harland laughed. "Maybe here...?" he teased, his face bright red, eyes half-lidded, a delighted and wicked smile curling up on his mouth. He was kidding, though, and seconds later he braced Alistaire the same way as before, and then walked him over to the bed, setting him down on his back tenderly, pulling two of the pillows over and under his head. Only once the pillows were there did Harland move his hand from under Alistaire's head.
He didn't exactly waste any more time, as he knelt on the bed in front of Alistaire and pushed the tshirt up off his abdomen, kissing his way across Alistaire's hips and up. "I like it when you're straddlin' me, but it makes it kind of hard to move around," he explained, from down by Alistaire's abdomen, looking up at him with a still-wicked grin. Maybe Alistaire still thought he was wasting time, but Harland was seriously enjoying himself. Besides, how many minutes could they spend until eleven minutes just wasn't enough?
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Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 9:34 pm
This was more touching than Alistaire had ever done in his life, and it made him dizzy and lightheaded. He was lifted in the air, his breath leaving him in a quick, sharp gasp of surprise, and his grip around Harland's neck tightened, not out of fear of falling, but out of shock more than anything else.
His back hit the door; Alistaire gave a little jerk and stared at Harland, his heart in his throat, and he opened his mouth to say something, most likely something stern about how it was impractical or maybe silly; but then he found himself being carried back the way they'd come, and the next thing he knew, he was lying on his back on the bed.
Fear immediately rose in his throat; anxiety welled up in the pit of his stomach, because there was no turning back from this, and he had agreed to it, he had wanted it, but his brain kept moving a thousand miles a second, trying to tell him that it was wrong, that this was bad -
It's not, Alistaire told himself, as he looked up into Harland's face, and the tension in his shoulders ebbed slowly away. It's not wrong. It's not bad.
This is what I want.
Harland was kissing his stomach, the stubble on his jaw tickling over his skin, and Alistaire's face was flushed, his hands moving restlessly around as though he wasn't quite sure what to do with them (he didn't). Finally he settled one on the side of Harland's face, sliding his fingers gently through Harland's hair.
"Thank you," he said quietly, and it wasn't what he had expected to say, wasn't even what he'd been planning to say, but the words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop them, Alistaire's cheeks flushed and his fingers still trembling.
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Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 9:52 pm
Harland considered himself slow, because he often was: changing tracks could be really hard for him, as he dug through his memory looking for clues as to where he'd left whatever information he was looking for.
He did, however, notice when Alistaire's moods changed, and in this particular case, the amusement seemed to have fled, and he just seemed anxious. "Alistaire, would ye like to save the rest of the eleven minutes? An' get some rest?" Harland asked, quietly, a soft smile on his face. He sat up, and leaned forward to brush some of the hair out of his face.
If it wasn't fun for both of them, naturally, then Harland wasn't interested. "There's nothin' keepin' us at such a pace," he explained, with the shrug of one shoulder. Harland gently ran one hand up and down Alistaire's ribs, above the fabric of the tshirt. After all, Alistaire was already gloveless, and that was a huge deal.
Harland was already really impressed.
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Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 10:06 pm
"No."
It was an immediate reply, and Alistaire felt the warmth of Harland's hand skim up his side. He rested his fingers along the curve of Harland's upper arm, feeling the warm skin, and it was an almost contemplative gesture, as though he was trying to figure something out.
"I don't want to rest," he murmured quietly, and sat up slowly, his eyes moving up to meet Harland's. A moment passed, and then he reached down, his own fingers curling in the hem of his shirt; and then Alistaire had pulled it off in a gesture that, while not exactly fluid, or even that graceful, was filled with determination. The shirt fell to the side of the bed and slipped off onto the floor, but Alistaire wasn't paying attention to it anymore. He lifted both hands now, curled them around the back of Harland's neck, and lay back down, pulling Harland with him.
"Stay with me," he said, and pressed his lips to Harland's, leaving behind any hesitation he might have had before, anything that would hold him back.
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Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 10:17 pm
Harland was surprised. Harland was trying to get used to that, because Alistaire really often surprised him, honestly. He beamed widely at Alistaire, his hair falling in his face from this angle. Alistaire was changing so often, and Harland was too; something about being together was shaping them both. Harland was healing, wounds he didn't even know he still bore. And he was coming alive again. The more Alistaire spent time with him, the more Harland found it in himself to wake up and really try again, really strive.
"Glad t' hear that, too," Harland said, equally quietly, meeting Alistaire's eyes. Harland was perfectly happy to lie back down with Alistaire, bare chest to bare chest. Harland kissed Alistaire back gently, one of his hands returning to playing in Alistaire's hair while the other explored Alistaire's ribs, his waist, down to the hem of the baggy sweatpants. Harlands fingers trailed along the edge. "An where else would I ever be?" Harland whispered, leaning up again just a little to look Alistaire in the eyes again. He had a soft smile on his face, as if he would never get sick of the sight of Alistaire. How could he, anyway? Alistaire was pretty gorgeous.
"Nawh, I don't think I could ever look at anyone an' feel this," he said, quietly, and shook his head, before he eased himself back down and kissed at Alistaire's neck. "Though if I'm up here, I guess my kisses'll have t' stay fairly tame," he teased.
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Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 11:19 pm
This much contact was again nearly overwhelming, but less in a panicking sort of way and slowly ebbing much more into a more desirable sort of way, a much more warm sort of way. Harland wasn't putting too much pressure on him, which left it easy to breathe (though he was having trouble with that just fine on his own), and his movements were gentle and adoring. Alistaire slanted his head upwards, hands around the back of Harland's neck, and he pressed a little kiss to Harland's lips, then skimmed one over his jaw in an almost shy sot of way.
Fingers moved along his skin, trailing fire in their wake, and Alistaire let out a soft rush of air from his lungs, tilting his head to the side so that Harland would have better access to his neck. He closed his eyes, momentarily lost in the moment, and then slid his hands down Harland's chest and back up again, sliding into his hair.
"I suppose that depends on your definition of tame," Alistaire managed to get out, and he forgot he was supposed to be letting Harland dictate the moves, instead dragging Harland's face back up to his so that he could give him a kiss that was anything but tame, all raw emotions and mingled feelings and a heady rush of warmth.
Then he realized what he'd just done and drew back with a gasp and a slightly guilty expression that bordered on startled.
"...sorry."
A pause, and then, softly, barely audible,
"I like the way that you make me feel."
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Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2014 12:01 pm
Harland was absolutely thrilled by the kiss, and when Alistaire let go he didn't even know what to reply, at first, he just had a sort of dazed look on his face. "Sorry...? For what?" Harland asked, not sure if he was confused because he was slow, or if the blood wasn't reaching his brain much any more.
"If ye wanted t' be on top again, it doesn't bother me any, I can work with that," Harland teased him.
He smiled, though, when Alistaire quietly said he liked the way that he made him feel. "Good. I can't seem t' control the way I feel when my skin's against yours," Harland admitted. "I think a part of me has turned into a little bit more o' you than it was," he said.
"Instead of bein' patient, for example, sometimes I just want t' strip all our layers off an' see if my nerves light up electric no matter where we touch, or..." Harland trailed off, pressing his mouth against Alistaire's, again.
Or worse was the unspoken sentiment, in a way; he wondered if even this much control was a boon, compared to how much he wanted to give in. He didn't even want to be this slow, now, but he was trying pretty hard to keep calm and controlled. Because he cared too much not to, honestly. He cared too much not to make sure Alistaire was on board every step of the way.
"If it'd help, ye can give me directions an' be more involved with the process. Guidance an' control for you, but none taken from me," Harland suggested. "Like... lower," he demonstrated, moving down to kiss Alistaire's throat again, biting gently on the skin of his neck. "And lower," Harland moved his face down to Alistaire's collarbones, kissing them, too, "Or back up," he said, returning to Alistaire's mouth, smiling.
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Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2014 12:17 pm
"For..." He couldn't say it, his face too red, his mind too muddled to even form coherent words. "No," Alistaire said quickly, and slid his fingers through Harland's hair again, unable to keep his hands still. "I'm...I'm fine just like this."
He trailed his hand down the side of Harland's face and muttered, "You have already impressed upon me much of yourself, I think, so...so I would hope that none of myself has been impressed upon you. It is better the other way around, with you being the one to influence me than me to influence you."
My nerves already light up every time you touch me, Alistaire thought, though he didn't say it, the words swallowed by the kiss, a soft gasp muffled against Harland's lips. More sounds escaped him as Harland shifted, embarrassing sounds, little intakes of breath and quiet, sharp exhales.
"I told you," he managed to get out, shifting on the bed. "You take control this time."
It was a huge deal, a markedly large trust placed in Harland, but Alistaire lifted his gaze to meet his, and his face was flushed, his eyes unwavering. "I don't want to make the decisions this time. I want you to guide me, like you always have."
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Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2014 6:49 pm
Not for the first time, Harland knew he'd be happy even if Alistaire was the only face he ever looked at with this feeling ever again. Even if something happened, and it surely would, to hurt them, they could repair it. They had the skills. That was one reason why Harland loved him so much, after all; Alistaire wasn't pathetic and weak, in fact. Harland had never thought of him as such even once. He was, in fact, the kind of guy Harland expected to keep clawing his way to the top no matter what.
Harland wanted to be there to support him, too. He was proud of him. He respected him.
Harland loved the feeling of Alistaire's bare hands in his hair. "Your hands are... one of my favourite parts of ye," Harland admitted, smiling gently, his eyes shut in bliss. He opened them as Alistaire trailed his hand down the side of his own face. "There're things I can learn from you, too," Harland ammended, firmly. He clearly wasn't going to listen to anything contradictory.
He was also grateful he'd been able to influence him, too.
If anyone could shoulder the weight of these decisions without letting it go to his head, it was Harland, definitely. Self-assured without being overly cocky, the faith that Alistaire placed in him was ideally well-placed indeed. Also the experience didn't hurt.
Harland kissed him one more time, deeply. "Always yours," he said quietly, against Alistaire's mouth, and then slid his hands up to Alistaire's, folding his fingers up with Alistaire's and squeezing, before he relinquished one hand so that he could slide back down Alistaire's body, his breath hot against Alistaire's abs, kissing his way down to his hips again, biting at the skin gently. He looked up at Alistaire, smiled, used his free hand to pull the hem of the sweatpants down another inch, and kissed the bare skin there.
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Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2014 7:24 pm
His hands had almost stopped trembling; not quite entirely, but the tremors had subdued more the longer he stayed where he was, lying with Harland on the bed. It didn't mean that he wasn't still a little nervous, but the trust he was placing in Harland was monumental, at least for him, and that was the most important thing.
He was doing this because he wanted to, not because of some twisted desire to make things more complicated, not because he thought he could get something out of it, not because he thought that it might help to make it "better." But only because he wanted it and he wanted Harland.
It was terrifying, but he felt strangely, wonderfully exhilarated. Alistaire kissed Harland back with just as much desire laced into it as Harland had shown him, just as much neediness and insistence. He kept his eyes open because he wanted to see Harland's face, but his face was flushed, his breath coming out more erratically than before, to match his heart.
Alistaire's slightly shaking fingers curled around Harland's, and all thoughts fled from his mind, his stomach fluttering. His free hand reached down, and in spite of telling Harland to be the one in control, Alistaire guided Harland's face back up to his, just briefly, just a pause in those terribly distracting, wonderfully hot kisses against his torso, to press his lips gently, tenderly to his, sitting up just enough to do so.
"I am always yours as well," Alistaire said softly, barely above a whisper, and it wasn't exactly a confession of love, because he couldn't do that, he couldn't even comprehend the word, or even understand it, but he could at least acknowledge the fact that there would be no one else that he would attach himself to the way he had attached himself to Harland. Even if...whatever this was...with Harland did not last (he wasn't going to think about that possibility), there would be no one else that Alistaire would ever get this close to.
And he was finally starting to realize that.
"There is no time limit." Another very light, very tender kiss to Harland's lips. Alone in this room, nothing else mattered; the two of them were safe from the rest of the world, and the eleven minutes had stretched into much more. "Do what you want, and I'll want it too."
And he lay back down and pulled Harland down with him.face your demons feel free 2 fade 2 black or timeskip or w/e u want!
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Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2014 9:31 pm
He didn't have to say it, not right now. This was as good as a love letter, and better; it was, to Harland, somehow more graceful than more letters and more words. Harland could give Alistaire something that he would and could give no one else, tonight.
Harland's heart felt like it had stopped, when Alistaire said he was always his. To Harland, that was again even better than love: it was something he could hold onto, hope and a beacon in the future. That was the purest of love, for him. Alistaire was, in fact, teaching him things about himself he hadn't quite had time to realize before.
By this point, he had bound himself so inextricably to Alistaire that if they were to be forcibly separated by any means it would tear a huge chunk of himself away; he'd just become so close, so invested, there was no way to save himself. Not that he had ever tried.
Harland was an all-in kind of guy, and he always had been.
Harland whispered something against Alistaire's skin as he slid his hands down into the sweatpants and down the sides of Alistaire's thighs, gripping bare skin tightly. He slid them back up and out, but only so that he could strip this last layer, and...
☆═━┈┈━═☆
▏Super Graceful Timeskip Because NSFW ▏
☆═━┈┈━═☆ Harland reached over the edge of the bed to pull the sheets back up and over them, lying down next to Alistaire and lifting his head gently so he could rest his arm under Alistaire and under the pillows. He leaned his face towards Alistaire and kissed his hair, smiling into it for a second.
"What I am begins 'n ends with ye now," Harland said, quietly, exhausted. "Keep me in your dreams so if the darkness comes again, can ... pull us out... mo chroi," he mumbled, falling asleep faster than he had thought possible.
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Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2014 10:01 pm
Harland seemed to be able to fall asleep so damn easy, Alistaire thought, not for the first time. His own mind was still going a thousand miles an hour, his entire body tingling, and although he was exhausted, he was trying to sort through everything first, because if he woke up with regrets, it would have been a very bad thing.
Well, he'd certainly gotten what he'd asked for; and so had Harland, in a way. Thinking about it made his face flush all over again, but it was not as though he could take it back now, even if he'd wanted to. They hadn't even done that much, in the grand scheme of things, not really, but to Alistaire it felt like a monumental step, less so in the physical (though he was still reeling from that), and much more so in the mental, in the emotional.
Everything he'd said an hour previous came back to him now, sending waves of embarrassment ricocheting through Alistaire. He would have covered his face with his hands, but instead he merely turned on his side and faced Harland, his eyes moving over his sleeping face. Alistaire had always faced away from Harland when sleeping in the same bed, but this time he just stayed where he was, too tired to move.
I am yours, always.
He still couldn't believe he'd said it out loud. Or really anything, at the present moment.
Alistaire reached a hand out and gently skimmed his fingers along Harland's jaw, and then shifted closer in the bed, tucking his head under Harland's chin, wrapped an arm around his bare waist, and nestled in close. It took a few more moments of wrestling with his inner consciousness, but eventually his eyes fell shut and he finally slipped into sleep.
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