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 Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 7:57 am
Harland didn't think they were ready to go outside, anyway, so he just had to throw optimism at his fears until they succumbed. Yeah, it sounded like Alistaire didn't want anyone to know about them, but it made sense. Until very recently, after all, Harland would have swore up and down there was no way he'd ever be close to someone like that. He knew better, now, but he didn't think that the rest of Deus needed to know that yet.
"If it makes ye feel any better, I could pretend we're arch enemies when we cross in public," he joked, with a grin, "I'll get you, and your pretty dog too!. .. Little dog? Ah, I don't know, I haven't actually seen that movie," he admitted.
Anyway, he didn't mind spending the time in again, provided a window was open. He smiled at Alistaire and opened the window so that the breeze could get in, leaning in for a moment to inhale deeply. "Ta an aimsir go maith," he said, sighing happily. Lately, he'd spoken far more Irish than he had in months.
Alistaire made home return to his heart. He didn't know why, or what about him did that, but it did. And he looked back at Alistaire with so much hope and joy that the effect on Harland's face was transformative. He looked at Alistaire like Alistaire was the only one he'd ever look at that way. Like just being near him was good enough.
"Any requests for today?" Harland asked.
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 8:09 am
Maybe that was why Harland was different; because it was so easy for him to switch from one thing to the other, so simple for him to accept things that it took years for Alistaire to learn how to accept. Harland could keep up with Alistaire's mood swings, going from cold and disconnected at first, to angry and hostile second, and then finally to humiliated and terribly docile, like a kicked dog that was desperate for some sort of return affection.
He couldn't quite seem to say no to Harland Leander Belle; he could divert the question, not answer at all, or distract with something else, but he couldn't quite seem to say a firm no, possibly because he wasn't so certain that he could take the way that Harland's face fell when he was disappointed.
The way Harland was looking at him now, like he actually mattered, was dizzying.
"We're..." His voice caught in his throat. "We're not enemies," said Alistaire in a low voice. He averted his gaze again, unable to take the brightness that was Harland. He tried not to say that he didn't know what they were, at least not yet. "We're..." Partners? No, too awkward. Friends? Still awkward.
"You're my business," he settled for, which was probably not the best idea, but Alistaire was nothing if not selfish and possessive as it was. "It's no one's business to know about you except for me. What you - what we do - belongs to me and you, and nobody else. They don't need to know."
He exhaled a long breath, raking a gloved hand through his hair. After a moment's thought, a flush creeping up his neck, he said quietly (trying to ignore how embarrassing it sounded out loud), "Hugging. That - that comes next after...after holding hands, doesn't it? People like to hug?"
He felt supremely awkward. This was not his territory at all, something he was almost entirely unfamiliar with.
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 8:52 am
He was definitely a go with the flow and let go kind of person, so it could have been way worse. In old tales he'd read once, if you tried to rescue someone from the Faerie wild hunt they would shapeshift into terrifying and deadly things until you let them go or they were free of the Hunt. It seemed a little bit like that. Harland would just hold onto Alistaire, and wait for the transformations to settle.
He beamed when Alistaire said they weren't enemies. That was all he could ask for. Harland was a slow kind of guy, he didn't want things to happen all of a sudden. This was as fast as he could physically go. Besides, he wanted to do everything right-- that was why he needed permission to kiss Alistaire, that was why he asked him on a date as soon as he understood his own feelings and intentions.
Though the fact that this was happening still surprised him, if he stopped too long to think about it. Harland did not change gears well. At first, Harland thought Alistaire meant business as in for sale which confused the Cowboy, but with the following explanation, the corner of Harland's mouth tilted up in an amused smile. "If that'll make you happy, then it's fine with me," he said.
Now that he was with Alistaire again, it was a lot easier to ignore the hell out of the fears that he'd had.
Hugging was next? Harland was concerned, and looked serious again. "Are you sure it's time for that?" he asked, leaning towards Alistaire tentatively. "I don't want to make you feel trapped..." Harland added, his voice low. At the same time, what he wouldn't give to fold Alistaire up in his arms. It had a lot of positive physical and chemical effects, too. "Thirty seconds. If you can hug someone for thirty seconds, your entire mental and physical health improves," he told Alistaire.
A concrete goal.
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 9:17 am
It would make him happy if he could figure out his own damn feelings, but since that wasn't about to happen anytime soon, he would settle for Harland agreeing to the terms of this...whatever it was. Not going outside had mostly to do with Alistaire not wanting people staring at them, or judging them for what they were doing; but a small part of him, the less rational side, was also selfishly wanting to keep Harland and his radiant smile all to himself; to study that smile, figure out the causes of it, understand the basics of it.
Which was confusing and frustrating all at once. He both did and did not want Harland to smile at him like he had been because it was almost overwhelming, the brightness, yet just like the rest of Harland it was intoxicatingly warm.
He wanted to wrap himself in that heat and burrow away into it, which was probably an underlying reason for moving from hand holding to hugs, though Alistaire was mostly unaware of it. Alistaire's face reddened and he gave a stubborn nod, a muscle in his jaw tensing.
"I can do it," he said flatly. "I want to do it. I can't learn if I shy away from everything just because it might not work out. I need to overcome this...disability, this...issue," he said, sounding angry and frustrated and humiliated all at once.
He stepped resolutely towards Harland, closer to his space, feeling for the warmth again.
"This is the only way to do that."
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 11:10 am
Harland didn't much want to be stared at either, or judged; he might have a thick skin, but that didn't make being singled out much fun. Given how much of a hermit he was, and how much Alistaire had probably made half of Deus hate him (if Alistaire treated strangers the same way he'd once greeted Harland, it would not surprise him) he suspected that it wouldn't exactly be a Disney Musical of a walk.
Harland nodded, Alistaire insisted he wanted to do it. He smiled, too, a proud sort of smile this time. Alistaire would try things even if they could fail, and that was all Harland needed to keep doing his best: the knowledge that Alistaire wouldn't just suddenly give up because it was difficult.
"It's not a disability," Harland whispered, and very slowly, carefully stepped forward and brushed a hand across Alistaire's jaw. "Just like a wound's not-- we're just healin' somethin' left too long, is all," Harland said. "Doesn't reflect on you as a person, except that you're strong to mend it," he added. His had naturally progressed from Alistaire's jaw, sliding forward across the side of his neck, until he rested his tanned hand across the back of Alistaire's neck and applied slight pressure, his other hand slipping up to wrap around Alistaire's waist and very gently pull him in, holding their bodies together. He rested his cheek against Alistaire's neck, head bowed slightly, so that his breath skated across Alistaire's skin.
He was pretty sure his heart was going to stop, soon. "Tell me as soon as you can't handle it any more," Harland said, "we can do this as many times as you need, until you've got it." After a pause, he started to slowly count to thirty, his voice rhythmic and low. "One, two, three, four..."
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 11:23 am
He felt lightheaded, and not in a way that he could excuse from drinking too much.
Harland was taller than him, but only a few inches; he was more filled out than Alistaire was, a broader chest and a wider stance, although he was all lean muscle rather than anything else. One of his hands, calloused and gentle, slid along his jawline, and Alistaire's chest tightened, his breath coming out in little stuttered gasps.
Don't think about it. Don't think about it.
Focus. Focus.
The hand on his jaw slid across his cheek, down his face and around the back of his neck, which made him nearly stop breathing all together, and then Harland's strong arm was around his waist and though Harland's gestures were all gentle and slow and warm, Alistaire was still caught off guard by the heat and he stumbled as he stepped forward, his gloved hands sliding to grip Harland's upper arms. His fingers curled in the fabric, holding tightly.
It was an explosion of senses, an avalanche of emotions, of sights, scents, touches, feelings. Harland was so very warm and though his grip was loose enough for Alistaire to pull away easily, he still felt enveloped by the heat. Harland's face was against the side of his neck, his breath against his skin, and Alistaire let out a little, half-strangled gasp that was bitten back, his face crimson.
Was this how all hugs felt? As though you were wrapped in a cocoon of warmth and security? Or was it purely Harland? Alistaire hadn't hugged anyone, not really, in years, unless you counted Ian, which Alistaire didn't. That had been different; that was his brother.
Harland was different.
With each number counted, Alistaire could feel Harland's breath against his neck; his entire body had started to tremble, a terrible urge to push away and run for the nearest shower nearly consuming him, but he forced it down, focused instead on the gentle warmth and the soft voice.
Slowly - slowly - the tension in his shoulders began to ease, but they only made it to number seven before Alistaire froze up, frantically pushing at Harland's arms and pushing him away to a more reasonable distance. His hands were still clenched in the fabric of Harland's shirt, and he seemed angry at himself, his face flushed. The breeze from the open window was a welcome breath of fresh air, gently tousling his hair.
"Again," he said, almost a demand. "I can do it. I can do this."
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 12:01 pm
Harland was getting more and more used to pushing Alistaire past what limits he imagined were comfortable. At first he'd been so shy, so terrified of a repeat of the time in the fight when he'd gotten too close for Alistaire to handle.
Harland was still worried about him, every second. It was hard not to tense up, each second he counted one second longer of the agony Alistaire would have to endure to get used to this. Harland didn't generally share space with most people, but it was hardly an aversion, just a preference. He liked to be in his own space. He talked as though he didn't, but honestly he wasn't big on strangers getting close.
"Lucky number seven," Harland said, with a smile, "Only 23 left until you're a healthier, happier you." Harland didn't mind that Alistaire pulled away, though he was sad to lose the warmth and to have to let go. It was really nice to hold him. He didn't know how nice that could be.
It was only Alistaire that he'd do this for. He never would have imagined it with anyone else. Not even Ian. In fact, especially not Ian. Harland suspected when it came down to it, he was really just the wrong type for Ian altogether. Maybe he was too boring, too.
"Mmmhm," Harland replied, this time just sliding his arms around Alistaire and simply bending his neck a little so that he could lean his chin on Alistaire's shoulder, not quite as intense as the first hug in which Harland had just wanted to absorb Alistaire's body into his own, touch his shoulders and his back and his waist, cheek, neck, jaw... everything.
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 12:19 pm
Alistaire tried to steady his breathing as he gave a harsh laugh. "I'm not certain that there is such a thing as a happier, healthier me," he said, grateful that he sounded as though he had at least some control over his constantly fraying nerves. "Perhaps for someone else, someone less..."
He trailed off, not sure what to say. Someone less hellish than I am? Someone kinder, someone like you?
He let the sentence slide away. Alistaire gritted his teeth and waited for Harland to move again, and this time he felt more prepared when Harland's arms slid around him; the same gentle pressure, not too much in case it was overwhelming, and the warmth spread over him from his head to his toes. Alistaire's fingers curled into the sleeves of Harland's shirt, holding on tightly, because he was strangely afraid that if he let go, he'd fall over, his head spinning.
One...two...three...four...five...
Harland's chin was on his shoulder, which meant that the side of Alistaire's face was against his hair. He turned his head towards it, feeling the softness against his cheek, and then he'd buried his face into Harland's curls, inhaling sharply, his breath hitching in his throat.
...nine...ten...eleven...twelve...
Focus. You can do it. Focus.
I can't I can't I can't
You can
Harland's ear was found unintentionally, buried under the reddish hair, and Alistaire's lips skimmed over it, his breath skating over Harland's warm skin. Distract, he thought desperately because his stomach was clawing at him, fighting to push away from Harland and move far across the room where he wouldn't have to deal with it.
But it was warm, so warm that he could almost push past the anxiety roiling in his chest.
...eighteen...nineteen...twenty...
He was so close to doing this.
...twenty-three...twenty-four...twenty-five...
Focus FOCUS FOCUS
His control was slipping violently away, his hands trembling with the effort of holding on instead of letting go, and Alistaire opened his mouth, biting down on Harland's ear because it was the only thing he could think of that would distract him from the terrible, pathetic desire to let go and run away.
...twenty-eight...twenty-nine...
Thirty.
He let go immediately and the sudden loss of something that had kept him balance made him stumble backwards, the back of Alistaire's legs hitting the bed, and he collapsed down onto it, looking a mixture of frozen in fear and stunned surprise.
He'd done it. His gaze lifted to Harland, and a smile wormed its way onto Alistaire's face, though he said nothing at all.
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 12:59 pm
Harland gave a sad smile, as if Alistaire'd insulted him, not himself. It hurt him to hear that there wasn't going to be a happier version, because if there wasn't, if Harland couldn't help, why was he there? What did it matter? He quietly tried to disregard that thought, like he had the others, but he was sure eventually it would get to him.
He was optimistic, he wasn't undefeatable.
Harland, holding Alistaire again, smiled as Alistaire held on tightly, and felt a sense of remarkable calm settle over him. This was nice. If he didn't know Alistaire was freaking out, it might almost be heavenly. He could easily get used to this-- even if he also wished he could spend more time talking to Alistaire.
Physical walls first, then mental ones. Maybe even emotional ones. Harland was hoping that Alistaire would let him in, like a diplomat or an exchange student who knew. Actually, ideally he'd like to be let in like with a press pass or something so he didn't end up dead.
Alistaire made it past seven. Harland was impressed.
Harland sucked in a breath as Alistaire's mouth found his ear, breath sending ripples of anticipation across his skin. Harland felt Alistaire trembling against him, and was about to pull away for both their sakes when he felt Alistaire's teeth sink into his skin. His square fingers dug into Alistaire's back briefly, flexing out of surprise, a startled breathy exclamation escaping him.
His face immediately became bright red, and his breathing heavier, his body leaning into Alistaire's automatically and relaxing against it like he was water aiming to fill in the spaces Alistaire allowed. And then moments later, Alistaire collapsed back onto the bed, and that didn't help at all.
Harland ran a hand through his sunny hair, tousling it, and was about to stare long and hard out the window to alleviate the incredible longing that was making his skin feel like lava.
And Alistaire smiled.
Harland felt like he was eternally losing his footing with Alistaire, and in this particular moment, it was so incredibly precious to him: Alistaire's smile, that perfect image of success. It had no malice in it, not a shred, and that just proved to Harland that Alistaire was not 'evil' by design, but rather necessity.
Harland had faith, and hope, in Alistaire yet. "See?" he said, quietly, smiling while he tried not to fall over dizzy. It was all he could do to let himself gently collapse into a sitting position on the floor in front of Alistaire, trying to catch his breath. So much for Alistaire not having a happier self, he thought.
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 1:19 pm
He could still feel Harland's skin against his lips.
The pulse of a heartbeat that he'd heard briefly in his ears, felt Harland had leaned against him more fully. The sound of his breath catching in his throat, a soft and startled sound against Alistaire, and the quickening of each breath he'd taken after that. The press of Harland's fingers against his back, digging in only briefly before he'd let go.
And the warmth. The intoxicating, dizzying warmth that Alistaire both wanted more of and wanted less of.
Harland had sunk to the floor, his face as red as Alistaire's was, but there was a smile on Harland's face, gentle and reassuring and yes, proud. Alistaire sat on the edge of his bed, his chest heaving, and his fingers curled around the edge of it, his gloves itchy against his skin.
It was like a game, and he wanted to win, but what was the prize if he did?
Alistaire slid off the bed and onto the floor. There was just enough space for him to fit between him and Harland, and he crouched on his knees in front of the other man, lifting a hand towards him. His gloved fingers touched, very lightly, the side of Harland's face, almost experimentally, and then he pressed his palm flat against his cheek, turning Harland's head to the side. Alistaire ducked his own head and a second later he'd pressed a kiss to the ear that he'd bitten, his lips lingering.
Then he pulled away and stood back up, looking thoroughly embarrassed.
"In - in case I hurt you," he said roughly, and then realized what exactly he'd said - and what he'd done. "It's - my mother used to...used to do that whenever I got hurt. She'd...kiss...the pain away."
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 2:00 pm
Harland watched as Alistaire slid onto the floor in front of him, unwilling to trust himself to lean forward just then. He didn't want to make Alistaire uncomfortable after he'd survived a thirty second hug, but he also.. desperately wanted to kiss Alistaire, to hold him again, to lean his forehead against Alistaire's and see if he couldn't figure out what the other man was thinking just by doing so.
Harland responded to Alistaire's touch much like a partner in a dance might: he gave over full control, trusted Alistaire wouldn't hurt him, tilted his face obediently as Alistaire pressed. He was rewarded with a kiss to the bitten ear, which only exacerbated the issue. It turned out Harland had very, very sensitive ears, and he shuddered with something that definitely probably wasn't discomfort. Harland listened to Alistaire explain it, Harland's heart swelling.
Harland wanted so badly to kiss Alistaire, even worse than before, but instead he held out one hand as though asking for Alistaire's. He wanted to pull him in, but wasn't sure if Alistaire could handle it yet, so he'd settle for placing his hand against his own heart. He started to thank Alistaire for the kiss, the balm, but instead the words came out so different. He said, his voice so sincere it sounded like he could barely get the words out, "Don't you ever say anything disparagin' about yourself again around me, ever." He felt so much affection for Alistaire in that moment, so much tenderness that Alistaire had just kissed his ear better to take away the pain that he couldn't contain it.
The descent into feeling this way about Alistaire had been so rapid it felt like his mind was going to burst. Every second he learned something new about Alistaire, he fell for him harder. And by now, he'd fallen, past tense. His face was warm again, too warm. "I--" Harland cut himself off, took a deep breath, not sure how to continue. He settled for something simpler, shutting his eyes and smiling. "The pain's gone," he said, as though he was talking about his ear.
He wasn't.
It had to get less intense than this, or surely he was going to burn out until he had as much of Alistaire as Alistaire would allow.
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 2:10 pm
Harland's idea of a dance had been right. With every move that Alistaire made forward, Harland allowed him to take the lead, to be the one to dictate where the next step went. It was a trust exercise without intending to be one, a learning curve that Alistaire needed, because if anything, he was desperate to be in control of something.
He'd stretched his hand out, Harland's fingers extended towards him; and for a moment, Alistaire didn't move except to stare at him, his heart thudding in his chest. But then he sank back to the ground and reached out, his gloved hand touching Harland's, and Alistaire threaded their fingers together; an almost automatic gesture this time.
The pain's gone.
Alistaire only dimly heard the words, and he could see every freckle on Harland's face this close to him. A terrible urge to allow himself to be pulled closer nearly overtook him, Alistaire swaying slightly, but he reigned in the impulse and instead leaned back against the bed, his face flushed.
He had drawn Harland's hand closer to him, and he could see the warmth on Harland's face. His fingers itched to touch his cheeks, smooth his palm over the heat and let it sink into him, become a part of it, but no, he couldn't, not now.
"W...where are we going on our date?" he asked hoarsely. "And...and when?"
He sounded too eager, too curious, too interested. Alistaire pressed his lips together, and his fingers trembled in Harland's, his body shaking a little.
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 2:33 pm
Harland was confident enough in himself that he didn't mind relinquishing control, especially because he liked that it helped when he didn't exactly know what Alistaire wanted or needed in these sessions. Giving Alistaire the ability to lead meant that he worried a lot less, and Harland did love not worrying.
It was an excellent question. Where was the date going to be? And when?
"How about... five days from now," he suggested, "and...Do you have a leave day you can spare?" The corner of his mouth tilted up, "It doesn't seem like such a bad idea to get started on some of that travellin'."
Harland was both an optimist and a dreamer. That definitely showed. Not to mention he didn't want to do boring things, not with Alistaire.
"Unless ye just want to be subjected to one of my favourite movies and some testin' of your endurance for cuddlin' and maybe popcorn," he joked. Way less exciting than portals. Talking about something so specific and concrete, instead of making Harland uneasy, was calming the Irish cowboy. Plans, thinking, fun. With Alistaire.
His heart leapt again, thinking we're going on a date.
On one of these dates, someday, he'd drag him to one of those cheesy photobooth things. Or photo shoot places with themes like Western. That'd be awesome.
If the first date went well, he supposed. Looking at Alistaire, he couldn't help but feel that it had to go well. It had to. Besides, no matter what happened... if it was with Alistaire, he'd be grateful for every second.
Harland thought about something, for a moment, and added: "Unless ye'd like it to be more secretive, then... I'll figure somethin' out."
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 2:58 pm
Five days was a long time, at least in Alistaire's mind - though he supposed that spending some time apart would be a good thing. Maybe in those five days he'd be able to get control of his emotions, figure out what it was that made Harland tick.
Maybe he'd be able to stop this strange craving for that warmth in those five days.
"I have a day or two stored up," Alistaire said, a little dryly, but his chest felt tight, belying the casual indifference he was attempting to show. Getting off the island - going anywhere (anywhere not on a mission) was something that he was dying to do but had mostly accepted would never happen.
Alistaire was looking down at the floor now, unable to handle Harland's brightness yet again. Wordlessly he pulled Harland's hand up and kissed the palm of his hand, his lips tracing the lines on his skin, skimming over the few freckles on his knuckles.
Why can't I seem to think straight when you're around?
What makes you so different?
The warmth was slowly becoming addicting.
When Alistaire spoke again, his voice was low and rough, his eyes closed, his stomach twisting with anxiety. His mouth still against Harland's hand, Alistaire let his teeth graze over the heel of Harland's hand almost possessively, and his eyes opened, his gaze flickering back up to Harland with a surprisingly determined expression on his face.
"Surprise me."
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 6:47 pm
Harland didn't want to not see Alistaire for all five of those days, he merely needed the five days to plan their date and get everything set up. That was all. He wanted to make sure he put thought into it.
Harland was beyond excited when Alistaire said he did have a day or two stored up. He'd only take the one day, it was a date after all, not a vacation, but he was terribly excited. He himself had only left Deus once while not on a mission, and it was alone to get the replacement clothing he new used. When he arrived at Deus with only two shirts and two pairs of old jeans, he'd sorely needed the shopping trip when his first pay came in.
Harland was grinning and lost in his thoughts, admiring Alistaire, when he felt the kiss pressed to the palm of his hand. He thought he might stop breathing, and had to remind himself to start again. Harland's thoughts scattered like minnows into the depths of his mind, and all that was real in that moment was Alistaire.
He liked the feel of Alistaire's teeth on his skin, even though it was driving him wild and he couldn't do a thing about it. Maybe that contributed, too. He flashed Alistaire a wicked grin when he said to surprise him.
A plan was already forming in his head. A plan which he hoped Alistaire would like. "Hope I can still see you before the five days is up... Maybe, if ye feel like textin' a little sooner this time," he teased, kissing the fingertips of his free hand and reaching forward to brush them onto Alistaire's cheek impulsively.
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