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 Posted: Mon May 05, 2014 4:43 pm
Rep did not look placated by the assurance that Jordan wanted to do things with him, it was very easy lately for the other man to say that he would do a thing, it was quite another for him to actually fulfill that promise - at least how Rep saw it.
"So I'm what? Your ******** master? I own you but I'm not your friend. Fair enough. My only friend must be Ace then I suppose." and crossing his arms, he looked away.
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Posted: Tue May 06, 2014 8:14 am
"No," Jordan said, stung, and then took a breath to calm himself. "You're my friend." He rubbed his hands over his face. "What I was trying to say was that he can never be what you are to me. You don't own me. But I am yours, as you are mine."
He studied Rep's profile, a seed of understanding uncoiling. "It's gotten that bad," he said slowly. "That you have to push me away first, before I can do it. Close yourself off so I can't get close, in case I hurt you."
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Posted: Wed May 07, 2014 6:51 am
Rep did not lower his walls, still anxious, still uncertain.
"Yeah its that bad." he said after a long slow breath. "I don't know why I keep getting hurt, but it's what happens every time. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, like somewhere along the line you started being the guy who scolds me when I ******** up but who goes to other people for fun and relaxation." He closed his eyes. "I don't know. You are trying. I can tell you are trying. But I am just not ok with knowing there are other people there. Especially other people who creep me the ******** out."
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Posted: Wed May 07, 2014 11:50 am
"I can't come to you for fun if you don't let me," Jordan said carefully. "I don't like to be scolding you. I'd rather hang out with you." He laced his fingers together, turning his thoughts over, looking for the right phrasing. "Why is it that you aren't okay with it?" he asked after a moment. "What are you asking of me?" He wouldn't assume.
He watched Rep quietly, itching to reach out and touch him, get closer and cross the distance he could feel yawning between them in more ways than just one. He'd been rebuffed before, and Rep was pulling away from him now. Would it help, or just make things worse?
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2014 6:45 am
"I never stopped you from coming to me for fun, you stopped that yourself. Just because you made me close that door doesn't mean it was never open." he crossed his arms. "It started with me being worried for you. Robert is ******** creepy, there's something ******** wrong with the guy. Look at who he ended up with even. I like Mimsy a lot but she's a few ******** pears short of a fruit basket. He's big, he's stupid and he gives me the ******** heebees. He's exactly the kind of overbearing guy that I had to ******** deal with growing up. Ho ho ho aren't I harmless look at me roughhousing with your son." He convulsively shuddered. "So I was worried about you, but you didn't want my ******** worry, you were going to be friends with him no matter what since he was there first. So yeah, I shut down, because you didn't want my protection or jealousy, you just wanted your ******** bff and for whatever reason hanging out with him seems SO much ******** easier than with me. Would you rather I was a ******** creep? Would you rather I like had no respect for your personal space or dignity?"
He snorted irritably. "I'm not asking ******** anything of you."
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Posted: Wed May 14, 2014 3:15 am
The phrasing and the small shudder that followed it caught Jordan's attention. There was something else there, something deeper, and Jordan flinched away mentally from thinking about what it might be. He studied Rep's expression, listened to the hurt under the angry words, set aside the impulse to get defensive about it, and examined what he thought about that.
He'd made this choice already, the hierarchy of his priorities established some time ago. He'd make it again, whenever he needed to. Was it healthy? Maybe it wasn't. Were any of them healthy? He doubted that, after all they'd been through. Rep hadn't asked. Whether he couldn't or wouldn't was ultimately irrelevant; he hadn't.
"I didn't understand your jealousy," he said quietly. "I'm not going to ditch him entirely. That'd be like you kicking Al out of your life. But I'll remember and respect your feelings." A slow, deep breath. "You're more important. I'd rather have you close to me."
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Posted: Fri May 16, 2014 6:52 am
Rep did not soften, instead looked incensed by Jordan's comments. "Oh so you'll ******** take my comments on board but you won't change anything? Don't give me that s**t, its like talking to the ******** government. And don't ******** compare your big ******** psychotic bestie to Al. I'd kick Al out of my life it was a huge ******** problem."
And then he narrowed his eyes. "Or at least I would for Harrison at this point, because at least he's willing to do the same in return. You don't give a ******** inch. You give little, you get the same in return, that's just how it is."
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Posted: Fri May 16, 2014 12:49 pm
"Did I ******** say I wasn't going to change anything? I'm going to quit horsing around with him and not go looking for him," Jordan snapped, his temper rising. "It would help if you were willing to believe that I want you to be happy!"
He stopped, hearing what he'd said, then pressed his lips briefly into a thin line and went on, "When we were off kilter before and I tried to hang out with you, you got pissed and didn't want me around. When I tried to touch you or talk to you or do anything with you, you shoved me away and let me know that trying to be around you when you didn't want me around was worse than useless and was actively making things worse. I don't want that to happen again."
He rubbed his hand across his eyes. "I miss you," he said, very quietly.
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Posted: Sun May 18, 2014 6:45 am
Rep responded to the irritation by shutting down "It would help if you showed that before it got to this point." He knew Jordan was trying, but it didn't change the fact that he was still worried, still defensive.
"You tried to hang out with me because you were freaking out and were desperate. Wanting to touch me when I'm upset is good only for you, when I'm upset the best thing you can do is find out what it ******** is and maybe help talk about it. I'm no a touchy feely person. I have like... there are ******** reasons why I don't want people touching me when I feel vulnerable and why I shove them away."
He looked at the floor grimly. "You used to get it. But since we got together there's a lot of s**t you take for granted. Sometimes you have to come at me as if we just met, as if you haven't earned all the things you know you've earned. Because there's something no ******** right in me and I can't explain what the hell it is."
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Posted: Sun May 18, 2014 6:54 am
There's a lot of s**t you take for granted. "I guess there is," Jordan said quietly. "I'll -- all I can say is that I'll try. I'll keep trying. I'll ask." He drew his knee up and rested his head on it. "I guess I started assuming you knew what I meant. I used to explain."
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Posted: Sun May 18, 2014 9:01 am
"I don't know what people mean. I don't. My default state of being is to suspect everything and everyone, assume its some ulterior motive because the voice in my head says without ever letting up that I don't deserve the s**t I have." he gave Jordan a look edged with longing. "I wish I could be easy because you don't deserve this amount of having to run around and jump through hoops. I wish I could be normal. I wish I could be like your friends." and he looked away at the floor.
"I'm just like, if you can't figure me out, I can't help you to, because I don't understand what my ******** problem is from the inside."
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Posted: Sun May 18, 2014 12:30 pm
"If I didn't think you deserved this, being with us, with me, I wouldn't be here," Jordan said, keeping his eyes on Rep's face. "I can't say it's never frustrating, but it's worth it." He reached out tentatively, slowly enough that Rep would be able to move away if he didn't want the contact. "I don't want to fix you."
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Posted: Mon May 19, 2014 7:05 am
The uncertainty Rep had been displaying very quickly solidified into anger when Jordan reached out again. He knew the other man needed the contact, that it reassured him and was important, but he felt he'd already made clear why he didn't want to be touched when he was at a low emotional ebb. "No." he said, and moved away just a fraction. "Its not that I don't want to let you touch me." He tried desperately to explain. "I just don't want to be creeped out by it. And when I feel like this, contact just... I don't know it freaks me out."
He sighed heavily. "Are you sure it's worth it? All I seem to do is push you away lately, to the point you've started filling voids with other things and other people. If that is even possible for you, why don't you fill them all the way and get rid of me?"
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Posted: Mon May 19, 2014 11:14 am
Jordan pulled back, aware that he'd overstepped and trying not to betray how much it stung. He didn't need to make Rep feel worse about it; guilt could turn to resentment or anger all too quickly. "When you're ready," he said, but he couldn't keep an edge of sadness from creeping into his voice. "When you're ready, I'll be here."
He shook his head. "I need to be around people, but that doesn't mean I'm replacing you," he answered. "It's different. There's nobody else who could take your place. If you were gone," and he had to pause, overwhelmed by an unexpected wave of deep and almost resigned pain at the idea; he swallowed to clear the lump in his throat and continued. "That place in my heart would be empty for the rest of my life."
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Posted: Thu May 22, 2014 12:45 pm
"I don't like pushing you away." he reaffirmed. "And I want you there, I need you there. I just need my mood to be stable. And right now its not. Right now I have to shut down, I can't talk about the stuff that bothers me and still let you close. One excludes the other."
He looked away though as the other man went on. "I know you need it, its just tough for me to keep my jealousy in line, and when I get jealous I want to hurt them. A lot. A whole ******** lot, and when they do things that could hurt you I want to step in. But when I say you are in danger and you don't listen to me but just wave me off because you've got it covered, I don't know what to do. I just pull back and don't get involved in anything in your life. That's the only thing I know how to do with the Robert thing and with a lot of people."
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