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 Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 12:11 am
Vanessa listened quietly to the way that Kam reflected upon his changing perspective, and marvelled at how complicated he was. This was a side of Kam few people got to see, if anyone else did. She felt simultaneously honoured and protective of him, and wanted to press closer. For more reasons than one. It was cool under the stars. A gentle breeze whispered over the skin of her bare legs, though she couldn't say for certain that was what'd caused her goosebumps.
She was watching Kam's face, smiling, wondering what else he was thinking, when he lit a match to her heart.
I love you.
Vanessa stared, cheeks darkening with the blood that rushed to her face. For an instant she thought that she'd heard him incorrectly. His voice was so matter of fact. He hadn't called. He lived with another woman. He'd left her alone for two years. Vanessa swallowed, and touched her fingertips to the spot on her chest where Gehenna's pendant had rested for all of that time.
"I love you too," she said, voice cracking, eyes brimming with tears of joy and surprise. Because Vanessa did not know how to recapture the tidal wave of emotions Kam's confession had set free, she reached for his hand, fingers just a little bit shy and shaky where they met his.
The last time they were alone like this Kam had rejected her kiss. She thought of Blake, and suddenly understood what Kam meant when he said he didn't want to be that guy. Her heart, heavy with guilt, ached for both of them.
"Oh, Kam," Vanessa said, eyes bright on his dark ones. She bit her lip, and then took her hand back after a moment. Vanessa lay back in the grass, and ran her fingers through her hair. She pulled, subtle enough so that Kam would be able to miss it, if he wasn't watching close enough. "I don't want to hurt either of you."
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Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 2:08 am
When she answered him, he smiled. It was a genuinely happy expression, at odds with the way Vanessa was becoming a bubbling brook of emotion and tears. He let her find his hand and held her fingers tightly, squeezing gently as she rode out the wave of her shock. Her reaction wasn't unexpected. Regardless, even though nothing had really changed about their situation, Kam felt a sudden weight lifted off of his chest.
As she let go and moved away from him, he followed her with his eyes. He was still feeling the effects of a night of drinking so nothing about her behavior seemed to strike him oddly. This was how it was between them, the only way it could be. That was a fact he had accepted.
"You don't have to hurt anyone," he said gently, raising his arms and tucking them beneath his head as he tilted it to look at her. "I told you because you should know. I should have told you a long time ago." His smile was only a little sad then, wistful perhaps. He let his gaze shift out to the lake instead, staring at the fountain spouting proudly from the center in a splash of light. It was a nice distraction.
"I'm always going to be here if you need me. I don't have anyone else." He paused to laugh under his breath, dumbfounded by the wisdom he didn't realize he'd found. Gehenna was really getting to him. "If this is what we've got, then that's okay."
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Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 11:20 am
It was so like Kam to make this confession now. After years of complication, and confusion. When there was another man in Vanessa's life, preventing her from throwing herself at Kam under the stars. He was drunk and vulnerable, sharing things that sober Kam had kept hidden from her for a very long time.
"No, it isn't."
Vanessa was arguing with him, but her voice was soft, full of a tenderness she could never deny Kam. She shifted onto her side again, reaching across Kam to cradle his cheek, willing him to look at her again.
"I can't do that to you."
She was at war with herself, needing to be close to him, pressing against Kam despite all of the efforts he'd put into being noble. Vanessa dipped her head to steal a kiss from Kam's lips. She applied a gentle pressure, hair falling around them like a curtain of dark fire, and then waited a heartbeat before pulling away. Just enough to share his breath.
"What do you want?"
A confession of love was not the same as being ready for... more. Kam was a strong man, but he had a weakness for women. Vanessa knew that. He had never asked her what she wanted. But then, she had never asked him either. Until now.
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Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 7:38 pm
As she reached out to cradle his cheek in one gentle hand, he let his eyes roll to the side to meet hers. He didn't pull back as she rose up and he didn't shy away as her hair fell down to curtain around them. He knew what was coming and yet.. she had earned it. He'd toyed with her heart for years and it was cruel to deny her that.
His fingers twitched where they were tucked beneath his head but he held her lips, breathing in the warm smell of her skin even as she withdrew from him again. He was fighting himself with every inch that she pulled away. It would have been so easy to just let himself fall victim to his whims and passions but he had done that already, time and time again. It would serve neither of them, in that moment, if he complicated this more than it already was.
He searched her eyes for a long time before he found the answer to her question. It shouldn't have been as unexpected as it was, but he was still reeling from a long night of drinking and a sudden overwhelming sense of emotion. Who even knew what they really wanted anyway?
"I want you to be with someone that will take care of you," he said finally, his use of someone suggesting that he probably didn't think that someone was him. He'd done a piss poor job of taking care of anyone. He wasn't finished, though. "And I want to figure out how to be.." a pause, waiting for his brain to catch up to his lips, "a good man. I guess."
He didn't like the way the word tasted on his lips, but it was the truth. As much of a man as he felt he was, as much of one as he looked, he had come to realize he was missing some key ingredients in the equation. It was one thing to be grown and another entirely to be a good man.
He untucked one arm from beneath his head and reached out to brush the back of his hand along the curtain of curls hanging next to his face. "That's all."
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Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 11:27 pm
Vanessa lay silent and unmoving while she waited for Kam to talk, fingertips resting against his chin. She was flushed and glowing with a soft smile upon her lips, pretty face lit up like a torch fuelled by Kam's love. Two years was a long time to be without him. She'd almost forgotten what this could be like. Kam was not pressing her back into the grass or unzipping her hoodie, but he was there. Vanessa could all but feel the restraint he was using in their kiss, and knew at once that his fire was exactly the right kind for her.
She wanted Kam to let it go and give it all to her. But she sensed, somehow, that he wasn't ready for that. That he might never be.
And there was Blake to think about. Blake, who was sweet and reliable and wanted to marry her.
"You are good," she said once he'd finished, struggling to keep from wrapping herself even further around him. It hurt her heart, to be incapable of providing Kam with the homecoming he deserved.
Vanessa could not bring herself to pull away, but she understood why Kam didn't want to be 'that guy' a little better. She swallowed, mind flickering to the apartment where her little family was fast asleep, and did not push for more kisses. It was noble of Kam-- to hold back when she had promised loyalty to another man. Vanessa's heart swelled with love and pride. She felt ashamed of herself for wanting to keep both of them, and wondered how Kam could not see how incredible he was.
When she reached for his hand this time her fingers were steady. "But, I get to decide who I'm going to be with."
It couldn't be like it was before. Vanessa had been able to look past the other women and the (almost unnatural) distance Kam forced between them then, but things were different now. She was different now. Older. More grown up. A woman with responsibility.
She needed time to think, but that could come later. For now, Vanessa was content to stay exactly where she was.
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