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 Posted: Fri Feb 14, 2014 8:46 pm
Van's heart stuttered sheepishly over Kam's concern. She inhaled when he slid closer, throat tight and tingling with emotion. He was not behaving coolly or indifferent towards her, but the distance that had stretched between them all night was still such that Vanessa couldn't help the soft sound of surprise that slipped from her pink lips.
His upper body radiated with an inviting warmth. Vanessa took a deep breath to steady herself, and then started to cry when he said that he missed her. A couple of tears fell slow and silent down her cheeks. Vanessa was grateful for the weight of his hands on hers, and hated him suddenly a little bit less than she loved him.
He wasn't holding her. He hadn't called. But he still cared.
Vanessa heard what he said, and agreed with him. Things had to be different. But there was something that she wanted. Something that she had waited two years for, and that no amount of obligation to any boyfriend could keep her from taking. She was sick to death of men making decisions for her.
Her hands were gentle, when they left her lap to cradle Kam's face. She closed the distance between them with a silent plea, fingers light as feathers against his dark cheeks, and pressed their lips together. Vanessa's kiss was sweet and needy, with just enough tongue to coax him into reciprocating.
"Just hold me tonight," she whispered, pushing closer to Kam with her body, sharing his breath. "Just for tonight."
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Posted: Fri Feb 14, 2014 9:28 pm
His hands slid up her arms the moment her lips pressed into his, the fingers curling slightly into her flesh as he felt the same fire dancing between them that they'd always had. Then a wave of guilt flooded over him and if she hadn't pulled herself away, he would have done it himself. He listened to her with closed eyes and wished that he had the will power to force himself to give in to her.
"No," he croaked, sliding his hands up over her wrists, holding the left one lightly and tilting his head to press one last, sad kiss against the flesh of her arm. It lingered for a moment before he quietly put her wrists back in her lap and let go. He leaned away before he finally turned his body back level with the couch. His eyes lingered on the floor as he leaned forward and propped his arms on his knees. It was a long time before he could speak again.
"I can't do that, Van. You don't get me for a night and then let me remember that every time I see you with him." It was selfish and he knew he'd done wrong by her a thousand times, but he wasn't in the mood to be tortured for one more reason. He couldn't take a lot more disappointment and self-inflicted shame.
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Posted: Fri Feb 14, 2014 9:58 pm
'No.'
For a long time Vanessa wasn't sure that she'd heard him right. It was all she could do to stare at him, shocked that he had the strength to pull away from her after all the energy that she had put into missing him. Vanessa had known that it was a selfish thing for her to ask of him, but she'd thought... after the letters...
"Oh god," she whispered, breath coming faster. Vanessa was panicking, guilt swirling in her chest like a knife. Cutting her up inside. "Oh god. That's not why I wanted it... I didn't."
Blake was her boyfriend, but she wasn't in love with him. Vanessa hadn't thought of it as cheating, really. Because Kam was Kam. She'd waited two years for him to hold her, and dared to hope that he would be as eager to just be with her.
One kiss. No sex.
For her, the torment of this one night was worth risking everything else. She hadn't wanted to face a future where Kam would never hold her again.
She was too hurt to be angry, feeling dirty for pushing herself on someone who could let her go so easily.
"I have to go," she said, tears falling freely, cheeks stained dark with embarrassment. Vanessa was shaky on her feet, still suffering the effects of all those long island iced teas. She found her shoes, put them on, and then whispered;
"Bye Kam."
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Posted: Fri Feb 14, 2014 10:08 pm
He was up on his feet in an instant, following her awkwardly as she shoved on those heels and rushed to the door. His mouth opened, worked over and over, and would close without saying a thing. He couldn't beg her to stay but he had this overwhelming need to make sure that this wasn't the last time she walked through his door.
The second she opened the door, he caught it and held it partially closed with sheer brute strength. As he swallowed he fought desperately with himself to figure out anything that would make this hurt just a little less.
"Don't hate me for this," he said, voice low. He couldn't bring himself to look at her, but his head bowed close, like he needed to show her he still cared. "I'm just not strong enough." And she could hate him for that but for once, Kam was speaking the honest truth. He was scared. He wasn't sure what was happening to his life, or what kind of life he had even come home to. He'd never been one to settle down roots but for some reason it frightened him to be the only member of his family.
He slowly released his grip on the door and even opened it wide enough for her to slide away, still not looking up at her.
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Posted: Fri Feb 14, 2014 10:52 pm
Vanessa was aware of him following her, and wished he would just sit back down. She had gone without his help for a long time, and wasn't about to start leaning on him again now. Not when he had gotten so good at making her feel like dirt. She wiped at her eyes and ignored him the best she could, until he blocked her way out.
His words made her pause.
Don't hate me for this.
Vanessa scowled.
I'm just not strong enough.
Vanessa pursed her lips, and believed him. For the first time since she'd known Kam, Vanessa was beginning to see him for the man he thought he was. She hesitated a moment, and then reached behind her neck to unhook the clasps of the necklace he'd given her.
"I never took it off," she hissed at him, a sob catching in her throat as she pushed the chain into his hands. "Not once."
If she couldn't have him for a night, he didn't get to haunt the rest of her life.
Vanessa's fingers lingered on the chain for a heartbeat; thoughtful, reconsidering.
"I could never hate you," she said, at last, leaving him on the step with Gehenna's symbol dangling from his fingertips.
Vulcan deserved a man with strength enough to step up and take what he wanted, and so did Van.
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