|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2014 1:23 am
Why would he still be trying? They weren't friends, not yet. Colleagues, sure. Maybe even allies. But friendship was harder. Aquarius had cut ties with most of her friends, unable to deal with the worry that something would happen to them, and the guilt of knowing that it might be her fault. They would be safer as long as she wasn't around. Even those who knew what was going on, and had the power to fight it, weren't necessarily protected. It was one thing to work with someone, and another to accept responsibility for someone else's well-being, when she could barely even take care of herself.
She had to worry about Kent, of course. She lived with him, and he knew something was wrong. That situation took most of her attention to keep from exploding. Then there was Dana, who had already been sucked into this mess, and Evie, who still had a chance for escape. And the one friend she had allowed herself to keep. She had to wonder how much of that was due to the fact that Laney was now a knight, and how much of it was because she simply couldn't imagine her life without Laney in it. Not even a coma had kept her away.
Regardless, her plate was already full, and she had no idea what to do with his compassion. Though she supposed she did owe him an explanation, after the way she had acted. "It's funny," she began, voice wavering, "but I'm not even the one I'm worried about anymore. I mean yeah, death sucks and all, and I know I'm on my last chance. This time I'm playing for keeps. And I can live with that- or die with it, I guess." That she was able to say that so casually was a sign of how far she had come. Once, even mentioning the possibility of dying was enough to freeze her in her tracks.
"I've been afraid of living before, and this isn't it. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared of death, but that's not it either. What I can't handle is the thought that it's all for nothing. When my friends and family are pulled into this to fight my war." She turned back around, the desperation she felt evident from her expression. "Every single person who was awakened after me is a reminder that I'm doing something wrong. Even you. Do you resent me, knowing that if I had been better at this, I could have finished it without your needing to be involved? I wouldn't blame you if you did."
It was ridiculous, blaming herself for the fate of everyone destined to come into their power. On some level, Aquarius was aware of that. But her self-imposed isolation had twisted her sense of scale, and there was a certain logic to her words. She went on, her volume increasing as she lost what little calm she had regained. "How can I link hands with those whose deaths I all but ensured? What was the point of my doing any of this, if all of you have to fight too? Die, too? How can we keep going once there's no one left to save?"
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2014 11:39 am
"By definition war is no one person. " "There were many senshi before this time, there were senshi awakened before you, and there continue to be senshi awakened. I don't resent that this war wasn't won before my time, and I don't expect that would have prevented my awakening anyway. Not one of us has so much power as to be able to stand alone before the tens, hundreds, thousands of Youma, Agents, and other senshi that serve chaos. Nor do I believe that this war will ever fully end- Order and Chaos cannot exist one without the other. I don't resent being awakened by the powers that be, being given power to act and try to make a difference. " "And I don't resent you for being out here with me. For having already been long in this fight. " "I may be wrong. I don't know you well. What I am hearing is justifications of isolationism based on the hedgehog's dilemma. I resent that you refuse to trust me- to do the right thing, to have the strength, speed, and magic given to all senshi to act, to help and let me help you. Many hands make for a lighter load, if you would not focus so much on being alone."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2014 4:38 pm
"I pity anyone who's been at it longer," Aquarius muttered. It had been more than five years for her, and though much of that time had been spent dead, comatose, or running for her life, it still felt like an eternity. That someone else might have had to deal with even more of that was a terrifying thought for a person already overwhelmed by terrifying thoughts.
The guilt was heavy too. Though Thraen's words were probably meant to be reassuring, all Aquarius could feel was shame for the way she had acted. She had tried running from her duty, and hiding from the power the cosmos had bestowed her with. And even when she accepted it, it was a resentful sort of acceptance, an acknowledgement that she would have to live with a terrible lot in life. She didn't think she would ever be able to willingly, even proudly, wear her title as a senshi. But then, before this, she didn't think that anyone could do that.
If Thraen had been the one to awaken first, could he have ended the fighting?
Could he have prevented her from having to join an endless battle?
No, that wasn't the point here. But then, Aquarius wasn't sure what the point was anymore. Except that she was wrecking her life for no reason that she could understand, and that had to stop. She could at least take some comfort from the fact that Thraen didn't seem angry, or at least not for the reasons she would have expected. He didn't know the whole truth, but maybe he didn't have to. Maybe this relationship wasn't broken beyond repair.
"And you think the way to repair it is to hide the truth?" Exidor scoffed. "You want to build a research partnership on lies?"
She twitched at the voice, but otherwise didn't respond to it. "It's not you that I don't trust. It's me." And boy did it hurt to admit that. "I can't promise that I'll be able to offer an objective viewpoint right now. I'm not sure I can promise anything, really. But if you're willing to look past that, I'd like to do what I can. What we can."
It had been a long time since she had used that word: we. There were few whose fates she was willing to link with hers. Perhaps doing that more would help in some way. Even if it didn't, Aquarius knew that Thraen could handle it, which was what allowed her to make the offer in the first place.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 5:28 pm
Thraen let his hand slowly drop, untaken, even in the admissions offered. " I appreciate the frankness. I will keep it in mind." "But objective or not, its better to have as many minds working the angles as we can right now. You've done a good deal of work, I have no doubts. But most universities and companies have multiple dozen or more person teams working on things like this. And so far....we're less than a handlful and not all in concert yet. " "Objective and nonobjective....its all the same.> The more darts thrown at the board of ideas the better. But in the meantime...you might add that folder of stuff to your files. Contact me anytime you want or need. Is it alright if I contact you in a little while with whatever more I find? More regular exchanges of information will help our efforts. And maybe I can get a few trusty hands and set up a Moon Archeology mission. I'd like if you were on it as a director." "Will that be alright?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 8:56 pm
Drowning though she was, Aquarius couldn't reach out for salvation. She was too busy treading water, too sure she'd slip under if she did anything else, to allow hands to bring her to safety. That she was even aware of their existence was an improvement, albeit a small one.
First, she needed proof that she still had the ability to work with someone, without something going horribly wrong. And though this meeting wasn't going quite as planned, there was still a chance that she would find such proof. Then, maybe...
"I don't think it's the same. Though objectivity may in itself be subjective, that doesn't make the two interchangeable. Conclusions should be drawn through evidence- but it's true that evidence can lead in more than one direction, depending on who's following it." As long as one wasn't too blind to see it. That 'yet' he used was interesting, and Aquarius was curious how he planned to get a bunch of people who couldn't even talk to each other to work together, but that would start another discussion that she wasn't prepared to contribute to. Instead, she filed the matter away in her mind, and the papers in her notebook.
"I'll compare these to my notes and let you know what I find. And my line's always open. I'll do my best to stay on task next time." She blinked at the mention of a mission. Organization was hardly her strong point, and she'd adopted a fairly haphazard method of research, looking through books when she could summon the energy to deal with them, consulting with others when she found them. A centralized effort would be helpful, sure, but... "Would you mind if I take a rain check on answering that? I'm not sure how capable I am of directing anything right now. But ask me next time? If that's okay?"
By next time, she would have all the other problems squared away. Somehow.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2014 4:37 pm
"A raincheck is perfectly acceptable, Aquarius. And I'll look forward to hearing from you. There's plenty of horse and carriage to be gathered- funds, supply to sustain people, and equipment to research with. As well as a safe location to house it all when it isn't being made use of. " Thraen gave a nod of thanks and assent. "Until then, I'll also do my best to keep in contact and let you know any other data I come across. " "Take care, Aquarius." DivineSaturn This one seems ready to close?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
