[PRP] Teeth (Jordan/Rep)

[Baneful]

"Ace didn't push you out. Don't make this about us versus you with ******** pitiable odds. It's ME versus you." he shook his head, still brittle with irritation.

"And aye I'm well aware how thick your walls are." he snarled, pushing aside memories of the first time he'd realised there were depths beyond the surface with Jordan and how enticing and fascinating he'd found the man underneath. "Thick enough I felt shut out. Thick enough it started to feel like all I was looking at was that ******** surface mirror. What I wanted to hear, no strong opinions, no ability to make a ******** stand."

"And yeah, we can be ******** professional. Just remember I told you to leave and you did."

 

[prolixity]

"He didn't. It's not his fault he got caught between me and you." Jordan's mouth twisted. "I'm not going to make any more excuses for how I've been, these last months. I ******** up. I know that. I needed to remember who I am."

He realized that his claws were cutting into his palm and relaxed his hand, not uncurling the fist entirely but loosening this grip on nothing. He couldn't stop the tail from lashing. "I chose to leave. I told you once that if I had to push you away to protect myself, I would." He swallowed hard. "I still love you. That hasn't changed, and it won't. But I can't make you love me, and if you don't care about me, it'd just be ******** stupid of me to let you keep hurting me over it." He hissed through his teeth, a sound like a sigh. "And I wouldn't ask Harrison to choose, because that's not ******** fair, and if you're still happy together, that will have to be good enough for me."  

[Baneful]

"Selfish." he stated coolly. "Everything is always about control with you. You make me and him the bad guys by walking away like well I guess you two are happy together." he shook his head irritably, anger growing proportional to the hurt he felt.

He found himself glad the other man was in a golem, it made it easier to ignore the desire to reach out just to touch him. It was bad enough dealing with his mind. He couldn't stand the memories which constantly beset him while they talked, moments like still frames preserved neatly in his thoughts, from a half dressed glance stolen across a room with ridiculous Allan outfits to last Christmas where everything had seemed to make sense.

"But whatever, you look out for yourself. Protect yourself. Control, always." he inhaled slowly through sharp teeth. "And even if I still loved you, it doesn't mean we make each other happy any longer. You say its just the past few months, I don't see any ******** proof you've changed."

 

[prolixity]

"You're not the bad guys. Jesus. I want you to be happy. You've made it very clear recently that me being there makes you unhappy." Jordan shook his head. "Everything I do, you find a reason for it to be wrong. Stay away, you think I don't care. Get close and touch you, you think I'm trying to impose myself on you. Let you hurt me, you think I'm weak. Don't let you hurt me, you think I'm selfish and just want control."

The claws bit into his hand again, and he let them. "I just want to touch you, because I like to be close to you," he said softly. "I want to look out for you, because I care about you and I want to have some part in your happiness. I'm no goddamn good at saying what I mean without turning it sideways somehow. Just saying it, just coming out and saying s**t, it's like -- it's like being naked in front of a room full of people."

He wrapped his wings tighter around himself. "I haven't changed. What I meant, that got lost for a while. I'm still myself. I still love both of you. But if you don't want me around any more, I don't see how forcing myself into your attention and space is going to change that or help that."  

[Baneful]

"That's where s**t goes wrong. You say saying s**t bluntly is like being naked in a room full of people. I just wanted you to be naked for me. Not anyone else. That. Sort of s**t is what I wanted from you. If it's justified, do it. If you are right, ******** argue and don't back down. Everything was wrong because nothing had any ******** conviction. I only hear intentions. I was hurting and confused, I explained it, you would still touch me but all I saw was YOU wanted to touch me. So you did. You didn't care if I was upset because you didn't care about the root cause."

He glared at the snowy landscape as it loomed ahead, as if it had personally offended him. "Even when I got ******** upset." there was a clench of sheer hurt and upset at the memory. "On twitter. About s**t. You were like OH NOT THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN. As if it was just a ******** inconvenience." His voice cracked slightly. "That hurt. I didn't want you to come and ******** find me out there if that was your attitude."

Shivering he closed the golem's strange large eyes. "I still love you as much as I'm ******** able to and I hate it. Because in the end it's just going to get you hurt. You are ******** better off like this, I'm sure Robert can hook you up with someone else the way he did with your ******** room."

 

[prolixity]

"I care." Jordan didn't look away. "I've - I've said s**t wrong. A lot of it. I hurt you. I've been hurting, and I hurt you too. If I could take that back, I would."

He took a long, shivering breath, swallowed down the lump in his throat. "I don't want anyone else," he said, simply, with all the certainty in him. "If you don't want me back, I can't make you take me back. But there's never going to be anyone else."  

[Baneful]

"It's one thing to say you care, but that's not what I've been getting from you. If you wanted to take it back, you could. You know me. Or you did. You knew what you could do and I'd allow it. Its the ******** hesitation I hate, like you don't know me. And if you don't know me, I don't know you. Its that weakness I told you about, you hesitate, its weak and I'll rip your jugular out like ********> prey."

He shot the other man a slow look. "I don't like mirrors. I don't like hesitation. You bared your throat to me when I was ******** scared and hurting, you got what was expected."

 

[prolixity]

Jordan watched Rep's face, the big, luminous eyes not his and yet still him. It still hurt. Neither of them was innocent, and never really had been. He'd been wrong about a lot of things. But he'd been wrong about this, too. He exchanged a thought with Ferros, made a decision.

"I won't ask you if I can come home, then," he said. "I haven't moved out. I'll come back." He put the trapping kits down and moved across the distance between them, wings unfurling and settling back into their folds behind him, and stopped no more than a foot away from Rep, giving him a long and serious look. "I love you," he said. "It is enough."  

[Baneful]

Everything about Rep was tense, like a frightened abused dog watching its new caregiver uncertain if they meant it harm the same way the old had, it was the way he approached everything. But the assertiveness this time had been enough to at least impede the aggression, it was a moment he wasn't sure what to do with. There was doubt though, doubt he could cling to and try and pull it all down again. "It wasn't enough before this mission." he argued. "And you still left."

He didn't uncross his arms, still tense, still wary and just waiting for Jordan to flip-flop all over again and change his tune or at the very least - doubt it.

 

[prolixity]

Jordan took a deep, shaky breath, firmly pushed down the sick feeling in his stomach, and said, "I wanted you to ask me to come back. You couldn't, and I guess I shouldn't have expected it of you. You've been pushing me away, so I went away. Because I was hurting, but also because I wanted to know if you'd miss me." He swallowed hard. "I've missed you," he said, quieter.  

[Baneful]

"Aye. You'd be waiting for ever. Because I won't ever ask people not to leave because I don't think I deserve them not to." he narrowed his eyes. "I even told you exactly that."

He sighed. "I missed you too."

 

[prolixity]

"I'm listening now. I'll remember." Jordan reached out and pulled Rep into a hug. The bodies were unfamiliar, but they were still themselves. Maybe he could put things right after all.  

[Baneful]

And this time Rep allowed it, it wasn't really him, but he'd have allowed it if it was his normal body too. "It's going to be something you need to prove. It's not something that will be fixed overnight." he hugged him back hesitantly, anxious that if he hugged him as much as he wanted to it might contradict what he was saying.

"But it's still something that can be fixed."

 

[prolixity]

"I know. I'm willing to work for it." A huge weight of tension loosened and dropped away from Jordan's spine. Rep wasn't pushing him away, was listening, would let him prove it. He could come home. He rested his head on Rep's shoulder, just briefly, feeling the contrast of warmth with the cool body he was wearing. "I love you," he said again, muffledly.

He drew back a little before he could start feeling too pathetic, too desperate, and offered Rep a small, lopsided smile. "I like the wings."  

[Baneful]

"I love you too you daft p***k." Rep grumbled, but held Jordan closer, burying the golem's face against the other hunter's. "Just no your tendency to listen to me at the wrong ******** time and ignore me at the wrong times too."

He looked a little more severe. "And I hope you don't mean this thing's wings because oh my ******** god they are so gay."

Tracey piped up.