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 Posted: Sat Jan 18, 2014 7:30 pm
He didn't want to see the disappointed look on Shiloh's face, didn't want to see whatever hurt would be in his eyes, because he knew it would hurt, he knew it would sting worse than how it might have appeared. Shiloh had offered him something, given away a piece of himself that was usually kept secret, and all Ian had been able to say was I can't.
He hated himself for his inability to communicate just how he felt.
"Don't."
Ian's voice was scratchy, low and rough. He threaded his fingers tightly through Shiloh's as they touched his, his grip like iron; a lifeline, something that he desperately needed to hold onto. "Don't do that," he said, and it was almost a plead as Shiloh leaned against him. "Don't act like you're okay with it, because I know you're not."
He slid his hand free of Shiloh's and wrapped his arms around his waist instead, pulling Shiloh into his lap. Ian pushed his face against his shoulder, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck, one hand against Shiloh's soft, pale hair.
"Don't hold it in," he said. "I'm sorry, Shiloh, I'm so sorry."
He pulled Shiloh back away from him to cradle his face, his thumbs brushing over his cheeks. "Get angry with me if you have to," he said, and he felt as though he were suffocating from the inside out, because he wanted to say what he couldn't, but he also didn't want to say it, because he knew what it would cost. "Get mad, get upset, hit me, whatever you have to do, just..."
His voice was cracking a little, his throat dry. Ian forced a sad smile. "Just don't hold it in and don't leave me, if you...if you can."
It was a selfish request, greedy and self-serving, especially considering that Ian could not and would not say what Shiloh wanted to hear.
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Posted: Sun Jan 19, 2014 9:33 pm
“Don’t want to, I’m not angry,” came the childish reply as he pulled his face from Ian’s hands, and resumed his former position of leaning against Ian’s shoulder, staring at nothing. It wasn’t okay, Ian was right, but it would be okay, with time, he just needed a few minutes to breathe, to recompose himself, to shove it all down. He didn’t want to get angry with Ian and he certainly didn’t want to hit him. He tried to argue to himself that the feelings were there, that he couldn’t possibly be angry that Ian hadn’t said it, that Ian hadn’t been ready but he was only human, much to his dismay, human and prone to all the awful emotions that came along with it. Some selfish part of him was angry, wailing at the unfairness of it but Shiloh wasn’t used to that sort of feeling, wasn’t used to the way it bit at him, far different from the anger at worldly injustice, at behavior he didn’t approve of. No, this part of him resented Ian, resented that he couldn’t just say it, it said mean things about him and Shiloh was quick to silence it, quick to push it further away than all the other feelings. It was Ian’s choice, Ian’s right to decide when he wanted to say it. Shiloh couldn’t force him to say it, just like he couldn’t force him to feel it, and even if he could have, he wouldn’t have wanted to anyway. Half-love, being liked, it was better than anything fake. It wasn’t wrong, it was just how it was. “I’m right here, Ian,” came the second part of his mantra, ‘it’s okay, I’m right here’ and then the third, “I’m not going anywhere.” Where would he go, anyway? Should he go back to his room, to lie there alone and reflect on yet another island screw-up? But whatever they had wasn’t screwed up yet, even if he wasn’t sure what it was anymore, what this meant, but it was still something and one unexpected turn didn’t ruin the entire journey, it didn’t erase how far they’d already come. There was still hope. They just had to proceed in a different direction. Ian didn’t want him to go, after all, and Shiloh didn’t want to leave either. He sighed, leaning more of his weight onto Ian as he slipped his arms low around his back. “I’m just tired, that’s all. Topsy-turvy kind of night.”
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Posted: Sun Jan 19, 2014 9:51 pm
He knew it wasn't okay, knew it as easily as though Shiloh had said it out loud - and he had, in a way, just not in those words. "I'm not angry" did not mean that it was okay, did not mean that he would never be angry, it just meant that for a moment, perhaps a few of them, Shiloh was choosing not to be.
Ian felt as though he were treading water and his arms were growing tired.
Shiloh leaned more against him, and Ian curled his body towards him, greedily soaking up his warmth and closeness because now that this was out in the open, now that he had not said it, he was not so sure how much longer he would be able to have this warmth. He wanted it for a long time, but how long would Shiloh be willing to wait? How long would he be willing to put up with Ian's constant selfishness and his inability to communicate properly?
How long until he found someone else to fill in the gaps that Ian had left behind?
Ian lifted his head and pressed his lips first to Shiloh's temple and then to his lips, closing his eyes as a pained expression crossed his face. "Yeah, I know what you mean."
He tenderly stroked his hair, and then his back, Ian exhaling a long breath.
"I want to say it," he whispered. "I want you, I just..."
- am pathetic. Stupid. Selfish. Greedy.
All of the above.
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Posted: Thu Jan 23, 2014 3:52 pm
“It’s okay,” Shiloh said once more, cutting off any further train of thought Ian might have. He’d smiled, and met Ian’s kiss when he gave it but for the moment he didn’t initiate more, just wound himself against Ian, willing himself to relax under the comforting strokes of Ian’s hand along his hair, along his back. He was more confused about the whole thing than anything, he didn’t know exactly how to act. There was some hurt, yes, but he didn’t blame Ian, he couldn’t make him say the words, and he didn’t want to make him. Knowing that Ian wanted to say it should have been enough, should have been comforting but at the moment he couldn’t quite think of anything that could be said that would appropriately ease his mind, so it was easier to just have silence for a minute, easier to just lean against Ian for support than to hear what he had to say. He was being selfish, too, but love wasn’t selfish was it? He tried to reason it in his head as he breathed, nuzzling his face against Ian’s shoulder. No, love was supposed to be kind, love was… Well, when it came down to it, he didn’t know what it was. But he knew that Ian was trying, that Ian cared about him and even if Shiloh had been a little quick out of the gate, it didn’t change their feelings. Ian had even said so, that he wanted to and Shiloh could only hope that someday he would. The part of him that he trusted most, the one with ideals and hopes, the one that still clung to happiness, said not to give up and as Shiloh drew a long sigh, he knew he wasn’t going to. Not yet. Even if Ian couldn’t say it yet, it just, he couldn’t let it matter, he couldn’t give up hope because it didn’t change the fact that he still felt the same way he did when he’d whispered those words in Ian’s ear. Another sigh, and suddenly he grabbed Ian, pulling him down into the fluffiness of the mattress, wrapping himself around him like he would a giant teddy bear before glancing up at him, a hint of his usual grin slipping through the weariness of his face. “I can’t believe you let me wear pink pants.”
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Posted: Thu Jan 23, 2014 8:32 pm
It's not, Ian thought, because it wasn't, not really. Shiloh lapsing into silence was proof enough of that, and it was making Ian's head spin. The words were there, hanging in front of him, at the tip of his tongue, but his mind was not connected to his heart; the three simple little words refused absolutely to pass from his head to his heart and then out of his mouth.
Ian closed his eyes, feeling Shiloh's face against his shoulder, and somehow the gesture was almost childlike, or a cat pushing for attention. That at least made him smile, made him latch onto something normal and silly and regular; and it was something physical that Ian knew how to respond to. Ian tucked himself against Shiloh, exhaling a long breath.
A breath that was somewhat cut short as Shiloh abruptly dragged him back down onto the bed, Ian collapsing back against the pillows. He coughed a little, but the new arrangement wasn't exactly unwelcome, considering that Shiloh had promptly wrapped his arms around him. Some of the tenseness eased from Ian's shoulders, though clearly not all of it.
"What can I say," he replied, a teasing note in his voice as Ian slid his own arms back around Shiloh's waist. He kissed the tip of his nose. "I like a man who knows how to wear a good color."
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Posted: Sun Jan 26, 2014 9:02 pm
It was a tense situation, the hanging awkwardness of it still palpable in the air. Shiloh tried his best to lighten it because he’d learned for those things that could not be fixed, they could be glossed over, forced down and ignored in favor of something worth smiling over, something that brought happiness. As per usual it was a joke, and Ian’s teasing reply relaxed him a bit. He’d put up a wall, without realizing, a defense at Ian’s insistence, at his kindness. Ian had only wanted him to get it all out, to be honest and have everything in the open. That was what Ian had done, after all, even if Shiloh hadn’t particularly enjoyed the answer. But just like Ian couldn’t say those words, Shiloh couldn’t bring himself to say if it made him unhappy or not, because the minute he said it, it might mean it was true, it might leave room for error and doubt and all the dark things to slip in. He didn’t want that, he didn’t want anything to tarnish the brightest spot for him on the island and so, needy and wanting, he clung to Ian, nosing his face against his cheek as he exhaled with a chuckle. “I’m starting to doubt your tastes, mister, pink pants, honestly. What was I thinking? Hair is enough.” He smiled, pushing against the pillows and sheets as he stretched out a bit, musing to himself more than anything. “You were handsome, though, in that vest. Then again, you’re always handsome, so it’s not really a surprise, but it was nice... It was nice there, wasn't it? Wherever that was.”
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Posted: Sun Jan 26, 2014 11:29 pm
In spite of Ian's inability to say three silly little words, the fact that Shiloh had managed to say them - and say them out loud, even if there was an I think before them - had not been overlooked. In fact, those three words were running consistently through Ian's head; or rather, just one of them was, more so than the others - love.
Shiloh loved him.
It was such a foreign concept. Ian held little regard for his parents, who he had assumed did not love him, but instead viewed him as the means to an end. He'd never found this particularly bothersome, mostly because he'd seen them the same way. And there was definitely no love between Ian and his brother and sisters, which meant that love had to be reserved for...
...who, exactly? Patrick, for one. But other than that, there had been nobody.
At least until now.
It was sort of mind-boggling, actually. Ian couldn't quite fathom why anyone would feel that deeply for him, or even how because he wasn't worth that much, not really. Shiloh was...well Shiloh. Ian knew him well enough to know that when he said he loved him, it wasn't just a fluke or an exaggeration; but a part of him did worry about the state of Shiloh's heart.
What would happen when he realized that Ian was not as good as Shiloh kept saying he was.
Ian pushed these thoughts out of his head and focused on the present situation, which was the Shiloh that was currently in his arms, his nose against Ian's cheek. Ian curled around him, a laugh in his voice as he said, "My tastes are excellent, thank you very much."
One hand moved lazily up and down Shiloh's back in gentle strokes. "Yeah, it was," Ian said quietly. His fingers settled into Shiloh's pale hair. "I wonder what caused that whole thing, y'know? We can't have been the only ones to have that dream, Jack was in my dream too, and Quinntuplet, and a few others..."
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Posted: Tue Jan 28, 2014 7:53 pm
Shiloh hadn’t really questioned his feelings on the matter. He’d made the decision to call it something, to give it a label but on the whole it didn’t change much. He was a bit wounded but he couldn’t linger on that, and when he pushed it all away he was left with what he had felt before his little admission, his feelings that words alone shouldn’t have the power to change. He liked Ian before, and he liked him now. He cared about him deeply, as what Shiloh had known as friendship and now, obviously more. He didn’t have a lot to go by in terms of relationships, really nothing at all but Ian was close to what Shiloh would call a best friend, except he was a best friend that Shiloh found very attractive, one that he shared a far more intimate connection. Those feelings were just one part of the sum of things, but they were important feelings, feelings he hadn’t had for anyone else before. They were just words, he told himself, they didn’t matter in the whole scheme of things. What mattered was how he felt, as he laid next to Ian, Ian’s hand gentle as it trailed along his back. He felt good, and he didn’t want to give that up. “Hm,” he grunted softly, grinning at Ian’s assurance that his tastes were good. “I guess they’re okay, sometimes.” His arms curled around Ian, fingers settling onto his shoulder, tapping it absent-mindedly as he thought about the dream. Jack and Quinn had been in his too, and Lucky, and he frowned a bit, remembering how Jack had acted. “Do you think that's was really us there, though? I mean I know Jack’s gruff but… And dating Lucky? It’s all so weird.”
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Posted: Tue Jan 28, 2014 9:13 pm
Ian gave a low groan, lifting a hand to push back his own hair away from his face, his fingers lingering along his brow, which he rubbed absentmindedly. "That was just plain weird," he admitted, and then turned to look at Shiloh, scrunching up his face a little. "Jack and Lucky? I mean, I could probably see Jack swinging whatever the way he wants to, but seriously, I don't get that."
Although, thinking on it, Jack was a stubborn a** with an ex-girlfriend on the island, so maybe it was sort of crazy to think of it anyway.
Ian's expression softened a little. He dropped his hand away from his head and sighed, touching his forehead against Shiloh's shoulder. "I don't know if that was really us there, or if it was just some weird shared dream - heaven knows what toxic gasses and drugs we get exposed to in this hellhole - but whatever it was...it was..."
Weird. Good. Bad. A whole host of other things that shall remain nameless. Ian tapped his fingers idly against Shiloh's neck, then smoothed his hand down to rest against his collarbone. "Well, you were very cute, at least," Ian finished, his trademark smirk back in place as his expression turned teasing. "And you totally adored me and my clearly superior charm and wit."
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Posted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 10:40 am
“Jack was mean… I guess, I mean I could see it but maybe it’s a good thing that part of it was only… Whatever, you know?” Shiloh wasn’t exactly Lucky’s biggest fan, and truth be told would prefer Jack’s company any day, but to see someone so earnest and unknowing being treated like that, it had made him angry there, and made his heart hurt here. Then again, his heart was a little sensitive at the moment, so it was possible that everything was just a product of the night. Shiloh slid off of Ian, resting on his side and looking up at his boyfriend. He was still his boyfriend after all, and the thought that, no matter how crazy the night had been, he would still wake up next to him was comforting. There weren’t that many differences between dream Shiloh and his regular self and one of the biggest similarities was that he did totally adore Ian. He blew out a breath at Ian, and smied, before burying his face into the pillows. He was ready to let the night’s events go, and let them become a bad morning hangover that he could push away and ignore. For now, he wanted sleep, and he wanted it next to Ian. “ You’re cute,” he countered, reaching over to give Ian a playfully gentle push with his hand.
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Posted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 7:35 pm
"Jack was a bag of dicks," said Ian decisively. After a second, he added, "Well, he's always a bag of dicks, but he was an even bigger back of dicks in this whole weird shared consciousness thing we all just went through. Treating Lucky like that, man, that was not cool."
He lifted his arm and let Shiloh slip to the side, waiting until he was settled to wrap it around him again, Ian's fingers idly drifting through his hair. "I won't ever do that to you, by the way," he said, after a moment of silence. "Talk to you like that...I mean. Turn you away."
The words were right there and he still couldn't say them. Ian shifted, turning to the side and pulling Shiloh closer so that he could press his nose against his cheek, breathe in the scent of him, his body curled against his boyfriend's.
"You're my favorite," Ian mumbled, kissing Shiloh's cheek. "My most important person. And I want you to stay with me for a long time."
It may not have been an I love you, but it was at least something, Ian thought.
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Posted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 9:45 am
Shiloh hadn't even considered the possibility of Ian acting like that, the thought of comparing him to Jack seemingly impossible but his reassurance was welcomed all the same, Shiloh turning his head from the pillows to offer Ian a shy smile. "Thank-you," he began, but the end of it was muffled as Ian pulled him closer, his face pressed against his and the shy smile only grew. He closed his eyes in soft laughter, not mocking or teasing but just from weary happiness as Ian's lips found his cheek, as Ian once more tried to fix what he couldn't say. And he was right, it was something. Embarrassment and awkwardness aside, the words Ian was saying matched the way that Shiloh felt, matched the whole reason Shiloh had said 'I love you' in the first place. So what did words matter, when actions spoke far louder anyway? He snuggled into Ian, twining his arms around his boyfriend and hugging him just as closely. "You're my favourite too," Shiloh admitted, pulling back just enough that he could capture Ian's lips with his own.
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Posted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 10:12 am
Ian rolled over partly on top of Shiloh, his hands against the side of his face as he kissed him back, thumbs brushing alongside of his jawline. He stayed like that for a few moments, just sinking into the physical affection greedily - and undeservedly - and then leaned back, smoothing his fingers tenderly against Shiloh's temple. His other hand had slipped beneath Shiloh, under his shirt to rest casually against his warm back.
"We should go on a date," said Ian abruptly. He looked down at Shiloh with a strangely eager expression on his face. "Like, a real date, you know, like dinner and the movies except not really because that's too dull for a first date, but something else, something, you know, fun and silly and romantic and couple-ish."
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Posted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 1:25 pm
The smell of Ian, his warmth, his hands curling against his skin, it all made it easier to breathe somehow, easier to believe that anything else really didn't matter except this moment they shared, intimate and private and utterly precious to Shiloh, something he'd never shared with anyone else, and something he had no intention of sharing. By the time Ian leaned back, Shiloh's face was flushed, and it was a second before he managed to look up. But Ian's sudden declaration drew his gaze upward, and the accompanying expression on Ian's face had him sinking back into the pillows with soft laughter again, pulling Ian with him. "A date, huh?" he smiled, reaching up to idly brush his fingers through Ian's hair. "That sounds nice. If I remember right, I do think you owe me one of those but I'm willing to let you out of the whole dinner and a movie gig, if you have something else in mind." Unable to resist, he leaned up a little, and gave Ian a quick kiss. Even if the night hadn't turned out as expected, Ian was doing a good job at taking Shiloh's mind off of it, and on the whole being spectacularly cute.
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Posted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 2:01 pm
Ian smiled, letting his fingers trail down the side of Shiloh's face. "A proper date," he said, in a very matter-of-fact tone of voice. "Dinner and a movie sounds good after we have a proper first date and all, because, you know, proper first dates are supposed to be all fancy and whatnot."
A pause.
"At least," Ian amended thoughtfully, "I think they are. I can't really say I've been on too many dates, most of the time I would just..."
The rest of his sentence was abruptly cut off, Ian clamping his lips shut as a dull red flush came across his cheeks. The latter part of what he'd been going to say - most of the time I would just hop straight into bed with them - was swallowed back into his throat, Ian looking simultaneously angry at himself and slightly embarrassed.
"Sorry," he said, after a moment, and Shiloh's quick kiss was met with a gentle one of his own, Ian closing his eyes briefly. He cradled Shiloh's face in his hand, thumb brushing tenderly over his brow as he looked at him, almost as though he were trying to memorize the shape of his face, the arch of his brow, the way that his lips quirked upwards when smiled.
"Did you mean it?" Ian asked softly, his fingers gentle as they slid to Shiloh's cheek. Around them, the room was quiet and dark, the only sound that of their own breathing. Shadows stretched over them both, dousing them shades of black and gray. "What you said before, I mean...do you...really...l...love me?"
There was not quite a desperate note in Ian's voice, but an almost confused one, as though he were hesitant of the answer. But there was also a strangely apprehensive look in Ian's eyes; eyes that were asking not for an affirmation that it was too much for him, but a reassurance that it was even possible for someone to feel that way about him at all.
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