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 Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 8:06 am
"Maybe." he said gruffly, shaking his head. "I'd rather it wasn't my ******** fault that there was always trouble, I'd rather it was just something else. People judge you against me, people judge Ace against me. Its the way it is and I can't even argue with them because they don't care what I have to say."
He raised a brow at Jordan, falling quiet for a few long moments. He didn't think a fight would solve anything, it hadn't solved anything when he fought Dwight and it would only make things worse now, because he wouldn't tolerate no charges, and he wouldn't stop. But somehow he didn't care.
"Yeah, I could fight." he said.
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Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 8:28 am
"They'll think what they think," Jordan said. "I guess I don't need to let that drive me." He looked away, tensing a little. "They'll judge me by whoever I'm with as much as by me. I want -- I'd rather have you, and let them think what they want about that. I can't have both, I can't be everything. I made my choice already. Almost two years ago." He lifted one shoulder in a deliberate half-shrug, still looking off to the side at nothing. "They'll judge you by what you do. Words don't ... words don't always mean anything."
He nodded and got up. Will you come to bed tonight? He'd ask later, maybe. Too much, too soon. "Thanks," he said.
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Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 9:07 am
Rep shrugged his shoulders. He didn't think it was something that Jordan should have to resign himself to. There'd been something powerful and happy about the Jordan who he'd met, the Jordan who had friends who cared deeply about him and who trusted his judgement entirely. Now people doubted his judgement immediately when they found out about Rep and filed him under that guy with stockholm syndrome rather than taking him for the face value he was worth. "If it's what you want then that's what you want." He looked dismal as he went on. "And that's bullshit, I'm sorry. People don't judge you by what you do. They don't. Otherwise you wouldn't get on my back about calling people faggots and queers on twitter because it was just words. You wouldn't get so upset when I make fun of people to feel good about myself. And actions don't work either, because I could do a million good missions, and I've fought on behalf of cunts and even saved them, and all they remember is what other people said about me." He shook his head. "Words do mean things, and that's what you've always tried to tell me. Are you saying you were wrong about that too?"
He stood with a grim, cold sort of resignation. Tracey stirred in his shackles. Maybe a fight was what he wanted.
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Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 9:55 am
What he wanted was impossible. What he wanted was a Rep who didn't hurt so deeply and so much that lashing out against the world and hurting it back was more important than anything else, more important than his safety or his future or the people he loved. What he wanted was a place where he didn't have to choose between being loved and being believed. He couldn't have that, and he would have to choose, have to compromise.
"Words mean a lot," he said quietly, "but they don't mean everything. You've done good on missions, saved people, but what they remember is watching you hurt others, and wondering if they're next. Wondering if you're going to turn your words or your weapon on them, off duty. How much it's going to hurt and when."
He clenched his jaw, feeling suddenly sick. "Wondering, if you care, why you don't stop. If I care, why I don't stop you, why you don't let me. If words were everything, I could tell them why. Or you could tell me."
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Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 11:36 am
Rep shrugged. "Then actions don't matter either, if you can undo all of them with one mistake. Words don't matter because people don't listen, actions don't matter because people don't pay attention. So it doesn't ******** matter ultimately what I do or what I say, it's a battle that's lost before I even begin. There's no ******** consistency. It's a language I can't learn and can't be bothered trying any more. " He shrugged his shoulders. "Why I don't stop and if I care are completely unrelated. Well, mostly unrelated, sometimes its because I care too much about the wrong things. And I can't ******** control that either. "
He pulled on his shoes. "I don't let you stop me because I don't want you stopping me. I don't want to be stopped. I just want to destroy things in my way, I don't want to end up having to hurt you to get what I want I guess."
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Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 11:50 am
"A mistake that happens over and over again," Jordan said. "That you don't learn from, or don't want to learn from. You can separate mission time from the rest of the time, but not everyone can, and they're afraid."
He watched Rep. "You're always going to hurt me," he said, quietly, sadly. "You're never going to stop."
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Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 12:02 pm
"I do want to learn from it but the fact is that when I am ******** angry or whatever, the part of my brain that learns s**t isn't there. All that's home is the part of me that is vicious and scared and wants to kill or at least maim what might try and hurt me and make sure it never happens again." he shrugged. He'd tried to learn, made concious and undeniable effort, but when push came to shove his concious mind wasn't there. "And if they can't figure out that on missions I have other s**t to be worried about that isn't if they are going to ******** stab me in the back, that's their problem."
Another internal flinch at Jordan's words and he gave him a level look. "Honestly? Yeah. Probably. I don't know why I hurt you, but the fact remains most things I do seem to. It's satisfying to bite you and for you to bite back, its satisfying to be cruel to you as well as kind to you. And it doesn't mean I love you any less. I don't know what's wrong with my idea of love, but passion for me is like, hot and cold, vicious and sharp, it's highest when I'm in your arms or when I have you in my grasp. Pain, pleasure, love, affection, competition. It all just tangles up."
"Just because I hurt you, doesn't mean I don't love you."
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Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 12:14 pm
"I know," Jordan said, and closed his eyes for a moment. "I know."
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Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 3:01 pm
Rep once again felt the sharp twist of pain at watching Jordan accept without a fight what they both probably fundamentally knew to be true. Time and time again he would ultimately hurt him and all he could do was hope that the amount of love and dedication he was willing and able to give in return would forever outpace the hurt.
He headed towards the door.
"So let's spar."
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Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 3:04 pm
I forgive you. ... Can I forgive you? I won't give up. I can't. Jordan rubbed his hand across his eyes and followed Rep to the door, catching up long enough to rest a hand lightly on his back, just for a moment.
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Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 3:12 pm
The touch was not received well. On his way to reaching for the door handle Rep spun around with a snarl and seized Jordan's wrist without any sort of tenderness in the gesture, if he managed to hold on, twisting it cruelly as he did so.
"No. That's dominance. We'll touch when I'm ******** good and ready to be touched."
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Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 3:24 pm
Jordan yanked his wrist out of the grip with a hiss, his eyes narrowing and going sharp. "The way we're going, that's going to be never. I've respected your space for days, and all you've done is snap and growl and lash out at me." He reached out, deliberately, to push Rep back against the door. "You say you don't want to hurt me, and then you say you're going to keep doing it. You say you'd rather not always be causing trouble, and then you say you can't be arsed learning not to. You sneer at me for giving up, and then you ******** give up."
He leaned in, shaking a little with fury. "If dominance is how it's going to be, then here. Here you go. Fight me."
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Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 3:54 pm
There was a moment of confusion as Jordan seemed to completely change tact, setting aside the passive attitude which had made Rep unable to resist his deep rooted instincts to attack relentlessly. He'd told Jordan to leave and he'd left and that in itself had been control for a time. He wasn't expecting him to show backbone again and was slammed up against the door without resistance, looking somewhere between scandalised and completely flustered. But it didn't last, he steeled himself and narrowed his eyes, not about to roll over at just one act of defiance.
He clenched his hands in fabric and shoved Jordan away as hard he could. "Dominance is how it's always ******** been. I only respect people who earn it. Maybe that's what this problem is. Maybe because you let Taym beat you in a ******** argument about me, maybe I doubted how strong, how resolute you really ******** were."
He fought the urge to summon Tracey, crouching in a battle stance regardless. "Because I'm never going to ******** be able to let my guard down ******** ever if I can't trust in the strength of the people who have to ******** cover me when I do."
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Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 4:06 pm
Jordan caught his balance and flexed his hands. He wasn't going to summon indoors. He particularly wasn't going to summon in their room, in their home. He stalked closer anyway, alert for any sign that Rep might give in to that same urge. It was too late to take it to the training field now. This was going to happen here.
"It's sure as hell not going to happen again," he growled. "I made the mistake of thinking I wanted him to respect me, thinking he might get it. Pretty obvious that he's not." He shook his head. "I was tired and afraid and alone, and you were dead, and if you're not going to allow me a moment of weakness ever, anywhere, you'd better explain to me what right you've got to ask me to cover yours."
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Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 6:40 pm
"He will never ******** understand ANYTHING, he's a ******** idiot. I'm not ******** asking you to cover mine. That's the point." He shook his head. "I don't expect you to allow me a moment of weakness either, no one ever ******** does. All you ever want from me is for me to fix your problems, whether fixing those problems is by changing or getting out of your way or shutting up when it's convenient." He snarled throatily.
He leapt forward and this time it was with intent, trying to seize Jordan and drag him to the floor. "I'm always tired and ******** afraid and the last ******** time I felt like we were EVEN and you weren't ashamed of me - " his voice wavered "was when you came to me because we both had nightmares."
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