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 Posted: Thu Dec 19, 2013 3:29 pm
"He wanted the chance to ******** up again. He wanted my trust back."
Harrison held Jordan closer, slumping into his shoulder.
"So, that's what I'm giving him another chance with. He'd probably be a smarter and safer guy if he was afraid of more, and steered clear of it when he was. But he wouldn't hit as hard either. ...All of us got s**t that scares us. Not just bugs either."
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Posted: Thu Dec 19, 2013 3:38 pm
"If he was afraid of more and more careful about it, he wouldn't be himself," Jordan pointed out. He wrapped his arms around Harrison's shoulders, careful of the snowy wings. "I'll -- it's harder," he said, and rested his head against Harrison's. "I've been scared. Am scared. I don't like anyone to know that," he admitted.
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Posted: Fri Dec 20, 2013 4:48 pm
Harrison held on, and smoothed Jordan's sculpted snow-hair.
"Good thing we specialize in fighting fear, huh?" Harrison said.
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Posted: Sat Dec 21, 2013 5:05 am
Jordan laughed a little, and was silent for a few moments, Then he said, "If there's a time when -- when you can't cover us both, I want you to protect him."
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Posted: Mon Dec 23, 2013 9:20 pm
Harrison had to make those kinds of shitty decisions every time they went out on the battlefield. It was part of the job, and he'd learned it early on.
Rep wasn't smart. Rep picked fights, went for the biggest and baddest guys on and off the battlefield. He encouraged people to hit him when he was at his lowest.
Harrison had often put together what was left of Rep, bound up the blood with bandages, or his own hands. He had done the same for Rep's allies, for strangers, and even his enemies. He hadn't needed to do the same for Jordan, who fought battles he could win, and talked softly to those same allies, strangers, and enemies. Jordan didn't always have to bring out Ferros to enforce a point, and the points he did make with Ferros were minus the bloodshed.
Jordan reminded him of a cat sometimes, that same kind of aloof wandering off, with times when he walked his own path. Wanted his own things. He was a soldier of the organization, but when orders were given he still asked why.
While Harrison considered himself grounded (most of the time), he was suspicious of too much meddling, and had an almost superstitious respect for the policy that if you left whatever was out there alone, it would return the courtesy. He didn't want to ask. He didn't want to know. Jordan's most consistent trait was his curiosity, and even though it should have lead to trouble, more often than not it lead to answers, and better understanding and control.
None of it was evident in Rep. Jordan had caution, strength, control. Rep had recklessness, power, violence. If he had to deal with two Reps, the relationship would have ended after about five ******** minutes. They'd all be in a grave already.
Harrison held tightly onto Jordan.
"If this is some sort of ******** Good Son ultimatum, like if you and Rep were dangling on a cliff and I couldn't hold on to both, ******** you."
They'd just all have to handle whatever was at the bottom of the cliff.
Sticking to any one person often meant ignoring the other screams in the fog and dust. Jordan was strong, and smart, and sometimes that was enough. Harrison knew in the pit of his stomach that it wouldn't always be, and being scattered or distracted for even one instant could mean losing everything. But if Jordan called out...
"If you're in trouble, we'll always come for you." Harrison said.
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Posted: Tue Dec 24, 2013 6:20 am
Right up until Harrison answered, Jordan had believed that he genuinely wanted what he'd asked for. The cool rush of relief that washed over him told him that he'd been deceiving himself again. He'd wanted to be reassured and hadn't wanted to ask for it, because if you had to ask you might not like the answer you got, or you might get an answer that wasn't entirely the truth. He wouldn't consciously have allowed himself to ask a question that was half a test; but, apparently, he'd needed it badly enough to pretend to himself that he wasn't. He took a slow deep breath and hid his face against Harrison's neck. "Okay," he said.
After a moment he added, "Sorry. That wasn't fair of me." He didn't like being less than truthful with Harrison, even if he hadn't quite realized he was doing it. Harrison was straightforward and reliable, a steady oasis of calm in the oceanic storm of emotion. Jordan didn't always understand how, but he treasured that steadfast loyalty and affection, did his best to return it. He'd follow Harrison to the ends of the world and beyond, unasked. He might have his own paths to follow, but they always converged again.
The thoughts reminded him that he hadn't yet told Harrison about the promise he'd made to Rep. He sighed. "There's something I have to tell you about, that I said to Rep."
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Posted: Thu Dec 26, 2013 9:03 am
Harrison nodded, resting in the side of Jordan's neck. Always even meant the Sahara, where Harrison was personally ******** useless.
He had a feeling he knew what Jordan was going to say.
"He told me. You got a plan, right? If he runs out of warnings." He lowered his voice, "We could make it, off-island. If we had to."
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Posted: Thu Dec 26, 2013 9:45 am
Jordan stilled. Rep had told Harrison. He supposed he was relieved; it meant that he didn't have to figure out how to say it. But there'd been a misunderstanding somewhere along the was, a misinterpretation. ... Hadn't there? Had he meant what he'd said? At the time, the promise had been accompanied by a chill, grim certainty, and he'd seen that understood and reflected back in Rep's reply. He wasn't quite as sure now.
Off-island. He couldn't bring himself to say that he hadn't done much thinking about that. Could they run, if it came down to it? They could try. Vanishing might be possible, if they could be inconspicuous; but Rep wasn't that good at inconspicuous. It wouldn't last. They'd be tracked down, and. It was still a better idea. It wasn't as though he wouldn't try every other avenue before carrying out his promise, or trying to.
"If we had to," he said, and drew back just far enough to meet Harrison's eyes. "That's not entirely why I said it, though. It's -- " he paused, testing the concept in his mind, like prodding a sore tooth with his tongue. "It's a limit. A line he won't cross. When he's ******** up, done this, it's like there's one instant where there's the deciding point, and afterwards he regrets it immediately. If there's something that can make him hesitate long enough for the moment to be over, maybe he can haul it back under control." He looked down, caught between shame and the stubborn, inexplicable certainty that he was right. "I don't know if it will work. But that was what was behind it."
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Posted: Sat Dec 28, 2013 5:46 pm
Harrison wasn't expecting that answer.
He shook his head, withdrawing from Jordan, trying to understand, but nothing about it sat right.
"So...so you meant it? Like, some kind of ******** up threat?"
Jordan said some really ******** up s**t sometimes. Hadn't Jordan just been like, I wouldn't ******** you over, and here he was saying...
"But you wouldn't do it, right?"
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Posted: Sat Dec 28, 2013 5:59 pm
"I ... don't know. It made sense when I said it." Jordan's shoulders hunched. "Like the other one would've. The other me." He let go, letting his hands fall back to his sides. "It doesn't ... I don't know." He tucked his hands under his elbows, hugging himself defensively. "I just, I won't lie to you. I won't tell you it was something else."
He shook his head. When he'd said it, he'd meant it, but now - now he didn't know if he could, and he couldn't tell Harrison that he would, and he couldn't lie. "I wouldn't do it," he said, exhaustedly, defeated, feeling tears coming on again and trying to keep them back. How could he have meant it then and still mean this with equal certainty? What was he doing?
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Posted: Sat Dec 28, 2013 6:42 pm
Harrison clenched his snow fists, and pointed at Jordan.
"Well I'll tell you this much, if there's some part of you that's not sure. You're not going to ******** do it. Not to me. Not to him. And not to yourself, Jesus, you're like a ******** burden-seeking magnet, that s**t would destroy everybody, and you can't hold s**t like that over somebody's head either and expect, ********, how is he going to trust you, you saying s**t like that. How am I supposed to trust you? How am I supposed to trust anybody? Augh, ********! ********."
He turned around to kick over a lollipop gravestone, and the heel of his snow sandal hesitated. Whoever died there sure as hell didn't deserve it.
The sugar-spun flowers got the brunt of his anger instead, and shattered the heads into glass shards, even as they magically regrew.
He stood shaking and panting, his breath showing in the air, then pinched his snow nose, and wondered if snow angels got headaches. Probably. You got them from drinking slushies too fast, and right now his head was one big slushie. Get it under control, Hughes.
Harrison looked up at Jordan again. Jordan was tired and scared. He didn't like everything spinning out of control the way it had, and had panicked, and now maybe was confused, but if he needed direction then Harrison could sure as ******** still do that.
"Yeah well you and other you can take orders straight from the top, you are going to ******** apologize to him for saying that s**t in the first place."
Rep was just as tired and scared. Everybody was.
"This was my ******** fault, alright."
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Posted: Sun Dec 29, 2013 5:12 am
It would destroy all of them, and while Jordan had been okay or mostly okay with destroying himself (and the thought startled him, because he'd never examined it), he hadn't thought of Harrison in that cold horrible moment, and that was maybe not the most selfish thing he'd ever done, but it was certainly in the running. Did he take everything on himself? Yeah, maybe he did, but he had to, because who would --
He watched Harrison kick at the flowers, and gingerly turned the thought over in his mind that maybe he didn't have to take everything on himself, that maybe it wasn't even something he could do. Ferros stirred, agreeing. He wasn't alone.
"I'm sorry," he answered. "I will." He took a cautious step towards Harrison and a slow breath. "If you're not letting me pull it down on myself, I'm not letting you, either."
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2013 9:18 am
Harrison mopped up angry, glistening snow tears with his wrist, standing stiffly, his other hand rolled up into a fist.
"If I'd trusted him more than I had, or- or less than I had, none of this would have happened. But I trusted him the- the exactly ******** wrong amount. Dakota only stepped off on account of me. That was me, that was my call. And now he's in a wheelchair and if he makes it out of that they're gonna have him tied up for- for ******** ever when it should have been my job, doing that, not a monster or some experimental machine, me. He's not dead but they're gonna cripple him, we couldn't leave even if we...we wanted to, because they're going to keep him chained up until he is dead."
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2013 9:50 am
"We can't -- expect ourselves to control him," Jordan said, feeling out the idea. "Not my job to threaten him, not yours to keep him tied up." He couldn't name the feeling that bubbled up inside him, akin to anger or sickness, twisting his stomach into knots. "It's not your fault that he broke your trust."
He exhaled heavily, tense and feeling brittle. "I don't know how to be this angry. At him. At them. At everything." He started to step back towards Harrison, half reaching out, then hesitating. He'd ******** up and he had no answers to offer. Why would Harrison want him to get any closer? "It's not your fault," he said again.
How could you love someone this much and still be this angry? How was it even possible to contain it? Harrison's pain and frustration and guilt made his own feel both insignificant and tremendous, overwhelming. How did you fight something that could destroy you, easily and casually? You didn't; you avoided bringing that destruction down on your head. You looked for an opportunity, for a way around it. And what if that chance never came?
He shook his head, shoving that idea away. "As long as we're still alive, there's still a chance to fight."
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Posted: Fri Jan 03, 2014 4:43 pm
"I don't want to tie him up. They've got to do that because I couldn't protect him."
Harrison looked like a lifesize weeping angel. He broke your trust. And could he really trust Jordan either? He thought he'd known, he'd been so sure, but there'd been times too when Harrison or Rep had been hurt and it just seemed uncomfortable for Jordan, like it didn't register the same way, like the feelings were problems that had to be smoothed out. And that was okay, if when it came down to it, when he needed a hand, that hand was there. But when that time came...?
"That's what it feels like. All broken and I don't know how to patch it back up again."
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