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CrowSeven

Golden Phantom

PostPosted: Fri Aug 23, 2013 1:21 pm


Your Missing Period


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Solomon would say while keeping his arm in fron of his mouth. ''Stop worrying about me, shut your records up for a bit, alright? God, i'm so sorry, i'll be now straight forward to you.''

Solomon would be angry by always being nursured by Xan as he would lower his arm from his mouth as he walked towards the Sky Junkyard's direction, not caring about anything else as he would then say in a tender tone to hide his angry temper. ''You search for the shelter, I want you to stop nursuring me like a baby like always, that tires me out and most of all, makes me feel more and more useless, you always do the hard work, you always take care of my inner systems, always keep my insides clean with your android breath and all of that makes me feel useless! Because it gives me no purpose to be with you at all. You have always taken care of me, always cleaned my mess, I'm not ungrateful but feeling useless by having someone to do everything for me. What am I in this pair? I'm just the pupeteer who only gives orders. ''

After saying that Solomon would kick the sand up a bit in an angry or tired feeling but deep inside it was all because he felt useless as he now would walk silently towards his destination,it would be far but he did not feel like stopping as he then would start running,fast as he could to just get there faster,his footprints being shown on the sand as he just ran towards the Sky Junkyard, reckless he might be but he sure as hell loves that android.
PostPosted: Sat Aug 24, 2013 6:21 pm


User Image "I am sorry, Sol. I seem to have made you angry." Judging by the tone of voice and the muscles in Solomon's face, he was certainly very irritated. The blue eyes looked down, trying to find a way to fix this, but human emotions were fickle and sometimes trying to ease them only caused them to worsen and grow ugly. Perhaps it would be best to wait this out until the human had calmed down on his own.

Though as soon as that thought finished the scolding came, blue eyes avoiding the red ones. "You are the human your father told me to protect." he said softly, giving a small nod. "My priority is to find shelter. Yes Sol." He gave a small bow, standing upright and turning his head, looking for his path before his body followed.

His first priority wast to always protect Solomon. That was the order given to him by his father, everything else came after.

Xan sighed, another puff of oxygen coming out. Shelter first, then back to Sky Tower. There was no order to stay at the shelter.

CrowSeven

Your Missing Period
Vice Captain

IRL Ladykiller


CrowSeven

Golden Phantom

PostPosted: Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:32 am


Your Missing Period


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Solomon would keep running further and further,getting more and more distant from Hal as his goal was to go to the Sky Junkyard even if it killed him, he was channeling his anger by running more and more faster as he did not want to stop at all, he gave the order for Xan to search for the shelter but he did not mention that he did want to go to the Sky Junkyard alone while Xan was searching for shelter as he just ran and ran, making the distance between Xan and him just longer as time went by until he looked back, not noticing Xan anymore in the distance, just a shadow back there, he would say to himself. ''Alright,while he's busy with the shelter, i'll go to the Sky Junkyard, I changed his priorities. Just a few more miles...''

After saying that, he would stop running for a bit as he glanced to his special bracelet which had a lot of areas mapped out and it said the distance between places as then the bracelet depicted a virtual map of were he was to the Sky Junkyard, it was depicted there. ''4 miles left.''

Solomon glanced at the bracelet which codename was V.O.I.D, created by his father to keep contact at very far places and to depict every known map, he had forgotten that Xan can contact him through that bracelet as he then would start running again, the weather was unmercifully hot like it burned as then Solomon glanced to the horizon as he kept running more and more to his objective.
PostPosted: Sun Aug 25, 2013 8:13 pm


User Image Minutes past, Hal's internal clock counting it as a full hour and a half before he found the beginnings of a town, stray buildings appearing. Eyes scanned for any heat signatures, none found before he walked onto the porch of an abandoned house, the wood covered in dust, erosion taking its toll on the building. The gloved hand gently pushed open the door, hinges squeaking loudly. That was good, it would warn of anyone sneaking in. He moved to close it, realizing the lock was broken off. The android left it, looking around and inspecting the house. It had long since been gutted, fabric torn and ripped off, paint chipped, light bulbs gone...

The rest of the house was inspected, turning the knobs of the kitchen sink, it trickled, but it was clean. He turned it off to preserve it, going back to the front then the side to the bedrooms. Bathroom, checking the water in these as well and deeming them clean before checking the bedrooms. Opening the first one he came across a dead body, long since decomposed, nothing more than saggy clothes and skin that was sunken in, tight, and looked of leather.

"Solomon." he said, activating the VOID headpiece he had installed. "Please tell me when you are ready to be picked up. And perhaps could you find a shovel? We will be needing it. On your command I will go to you and help you with your things. You will not move as fast leaving as you were running there. " Calculations showed it should have taken at least five hours hours but scans showed it had only taken him an hour and a half.

Hal would need to find nutrients to replenish the ones Solomon had lost running there. He would be weak and exhausted.

CrowSeven
I edited your post and have put the re-written version down below. It is in 3rd person and past tense, which is what you want for your posts. Never use italics for speech, only thought. However I also wrote it in my style and added a few details. If you have any questions pm me. c:
Solomon kept running farther and farther away, the distance between him and Hal growing. His goal was to get to the Sky Junkyard, even if it killed him. He was channeling his anger into his running, legs moving him quickly to the junkyard. He didn’t intend on stopping. He gave Xan the order to search for shelter, but failed to mention he wanted to go alone. But Xan was searching and Sol was running, the space growing even longer, Hal barely a noticeable speck in the distance. “All right, while he’s busy with the shelter, I’ll go to Sky Junkyard. I changed his priorities. Just a few more miles…”

After muttering to himself he stopped, breathing hard and glancing over his bracelet. It’s codename was V.O.I.D. and was created by his father, the technology holding every known map in existence, and right now it read four miles left to his destination.

He groaned, standing properly and resuming his jog, the hot sun burning with little mercy on the inhabitants below. There was one thing about his bracelet that he had forgotten, Xan could contact him through it.

Your Missing Period
Vice Captain

IRL Ladykiller


CrowSeven

Golden Phantom

PostPosted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 2:07 am


Your Missing Period
Will try doing what you said, that's one thing i'll have to get used to with time.


User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.

Solomon would have stopped running with a groan, he felt the need to stop for a bit since it might have been like an hour or so since he left Xan's side, keeping up that pace would burn him out in no time as then he heard Xan's voice through the voice as he had thought to himself for the moment. ''I totally forgot that he could call me through the bracelet, damn.'' After that tought would perish as he would start walking again, he would have pressed the button on the bracelet to say towards the bracelet, acknowledging that Xan would hear it. ''Xan, i'll give you a simple order, don't come for me, in about 3 hours i'll be carrying the pieces of your new central nervous system, oh I got one more question, do you want an emotion gauge? Sorry, I should explain better, make your face work accordingly to what you feel, blushing, smiling and those face emotions. One more thing, I'll be bringing the shovel, get ready for creating more bullets for me when I get there since i'm aware that something might be lurking on my way to the Sky Junkyard, I might empty out my clip, Over and Out.''

Solomon would then have taken his finger away from the communication button as he would lower his hand and grab his gun's holster like he felt the need to be on guard for any dangers lurking, through he was really a sharpshooter, nothing could have given him that trait, only experience and training, he felt the need to grab onto his gun because he did not know what dangers or people would be there to try and assault him, his gun with a full clip ready for shooting but if he had to, he would kill and take ammunition, food, water, materials, everything he could to survive for long years as he walked more and more into the hot and unmerciful desert, hoping to get to the Junkyard without any dangers or encounter since that would burn his time a lot and not to mention that it would burn more of his energy unless his encounter was a good one since it's rare, noticing that rarely there are people who won't assault you with intent to get other people's belongings.
PostPosted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 9:10 pm


User Image Xan listened to the order, browsing around the rest of the home, knocking on the walls to judge their sturdiness, finding something to tap the ceiling with. Everything seemed sturdy, the outside was just terribly eroded and the inside was scarce.

1. Don't go for Solomon.
2. Emotional Gauge?
3. Prepare to make more bullets.

"Sol, I apologize but I cannot follow the first order. Your safety is my number one concern and it was bending my encoded priorities to let you go to the junkyard alone." the male explained, walking back outside and checking the perimeter of the house. "And my face does indeed work accordingly with the programmed emotions, Solomon. I was smiling at you not to long ago. I believe an emotional gauge is not necessary for I do not think it wise to have two in my being. Thirdly, thank you for bringing the shovel, and I am prepared to do whatever you ask of me, Sol. If you are going to be emptying your clip I am on my way over." The talk switch was internally flicked off, stepping and then sprinting in the direction the signal came from.

He would get there within the hour. The odds were in the android's favor that Solomon would remain in perfect health.

CrowSeven
That's fine. Try not to use 'would have' so much, either. It's suggesting he does something instead of openly stating he does it.
i.e. Solomon would have stopped running,
It suggests he was going to do something
ex. I would have gone to the store, but it was raining.
Remember your tenses! :3

Your Missing Period
Vice Captain

IRL Ladykiller


CrowSeven

Golden Phantom

PostPosted: Tue Aug 27, 2013 2:34 am


Your Missing Period
Run on sentences. Literally each paragraph was just one long run on sentence.
Please stop using 'would have'
Spaces between commas
Be clear, don't make me guess what you're saying.
3rd person, past tense. Google is your friend so if you don't know how ask him
I fixed it for you. C:


User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show. Solomon would have heard Xan's words but then he was stopped by a couple of males who were robbers and assaulters that wanted people's belongings and other things like slaves. Everyone called them Black Traders or something of the sort. ''Hey, fancy one over there, toss your gun and surrender to us now!'' as then they would have one said.

After Solomon heard that, he would pretended to have surrendered by, kneeling down in to the sand but then at an unexpectedwith a burst of energy or adrenaline, he would have shot the two males at ain rapid succession. The first oneman was hit onin the chest and the othersecond one would have taken a curve bullet which was a trick that Solomon always had up his sleeve for harder to hit targets. Sadly thatthe last bullet hit the black trader male onin the head. as then He rose up quickly, running towards the male whose's chest was shot, putting his leg over the male's neck and his heel holding the head up(( he did what now? Make this more clear)), cracking the neck with no mercy in a single movement, as his red eyes were the last thing those traders would have seen. as then Solomon would started searching for more supplies. Luckily those guys would havehad one assault rifle each, 5five (( if it's less than 100 you're supposed to spell out the number )) food rations (( five food rations each or total? )) and 3three bottles of water overall, an cape, a bandana and a cap that could cover the whole hair of Solomon's.

After grabbing thosethe things, he would have put the food and the water inside of the backpack very quickly along with an assault gun as well (( is it a handgun or a shoulder gun because a shoulder gun would definitely not fit in a backpack )). Putting one assault (( we already know what kind it is )) rifle on outside of the backpack before he wouldthen put the cape over his body to cover from the sun, and then he would putputting the bandana on and tying it to his head. as then He would have put the cap on beforebut he heard some movement, he would starting to running as fast as he could while putting his cap on,. Maybe more black traders were coming which meant more supplies but the bullets that Solomon had currently were not currently enough to fight off another wave of Black Traders, so he would have ran, farther and farther as then the bracelet would have said in it'sits (( "it's" is "it is" while "its" is possessive )) robotic voice. ''1One mile left for your destination, sir.''

That information put a smile on Solomon's face as he would startcontinued running with adrenaline flowing through his body. Maybe that adrenaline would be enough to getpush him tothe one mile with no troubles. But if anyone saw him, they would all say that it was a Black Trader, since he was now outfitted like one of them. His gun was in his waist holster once again so no suspictious actions of his would have been noticed by the others. He wanted to blend in and that gun (( which gun? )) was not seen anywhere else in the world nowadays, that is why he hid his gun away.
PostPosted: Tue Aug 27, 2013 11:50 pm


User Image The robot slowed down to a stop, looking at the bodies having long since bled into the sand. Xan bent down, inspecting each and every body closely. The heart, the head, the torso. They were also stripped of their rations and water supplies, though he found first aid kits, though small ones wrapped in fabric. Adding those to his own backpack he stood, re-calibrating the added weight before sprinting again. That was roughly at the point where Solomon contacted him. There seemed to be no blood on the sand, and the footsteps had long since been blown away. The chances of him being injured grew.

But he saw the large walls, gates, of the Sky Junkard. Statistically speaking, they served no useful function, thieves and slummy individuals always managing to get in. They now seemed to serve little else than decoration. "Solomon, I am at the entrance of the junkyard. I am going inside to find you. Please finish up your searching."
CrowSeven

Your Missing Period
Vice Captain

IRL Ladykiller


CrowSeven

Golden Phantom

PostPosted: Wed Aug 28, 2013 3:25 am


Your Missing Period
✘ Run on sentences. I suggest reading your sentences out loud, and if you think it sounds too long for one or two breaths, edit it and put in a period instead of a comma.
✘ You're getting much better with your spacing between commas
✘ Much less future tense. Awesome
✘ While editing I tried to keep it as much of your style as possible. You're getting better already. c:


User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.

Solomon paid no attention to the bracelet, as he ran fartherrunning until he reached the Sky Junkyard's weak spot, which was a hole with the size of a human person (( considering a human and a person are the same, choose one or the other )).

Slipping through the hole with the backpack on his back proved to be hard. as then He took off the backpack from his back, pulling it in after he slipped in the junkyard, as he placedplacing it back on his shoulders, one shoulder at a time.

Solomon's gaze was focused on scanning the whole place. He was no android that is true but his vision was way above a normal human's, just like a deadeye, good in longer ranges and good in short ranges. Every aspect of his vision was just perfect. as then He would walked around, searching for the pieces that he was seekingwanted with quite a frown.

It seemed that scavengers had gotten here first and took most of the pieces but there was still a lot of searching to do. as then Solomon would started whistling a bit while starting to toss away pure junk, separating it from the good pieces, not wanting his dear android to be using junk inside of him which sooner or later might malfunction.

Solomon searched up and down for every piece he could take from there but thensoon he fell into a state of desperation as two more pieces were missing. The pieces he needed were separated in a small pile onin the corner where he came in from. His tossing the junk around might have attracted attention as he heard two or three males around, maybe they had the pieces he needed. as He grasped his waist gun, breathing in slowly as he walked with quite a steady pace, shooting the males in a beserkerberserk state as he did all that without aiming, just point blank shooting but it had its effective way since the males fell to the ground one by one. The shooting could be heard from almost 500 meters of distance. It was that loud and maybe that attracted attention for the other Black Traders, as he would grabing the rifle that he had on the side of the backpack with a grin as now he wielded both the handgun and the assault gun as he got ready for a wave of enemies which meant more and more supplies for Xan to help him carry.
PostPosted: Wed Aug 28, 2013 8:56 pm


User Image With no response being given Xan decided to find the gates, scanning himself in and entering. The technology was obsolete, most people finding side doors and entrances in, and the self-defense had long since died. Logging in was useless but Hal was here and it was the easiest to do.

The inside was scarce, scavengers from the past years having taken most of the good piecies, whatever scraps existing already rusting or were too far out of date for his components. There was little chance Solomon would find a central nervous system, that waas both biological and artificial, rare in this day and age, not to mention that if there were any robots in existence with this technology, it would be dead with them. Solomon would be working on Hal for quite a while to make his body compatible with a central nervous system, and it was time they did not have.

But slowly the android looked, pausing to speak with a man who started sifting through the metal with him. It was a false sense of security, the blonde feeling the vibrations of another pair of footsteps through his own feet, listening to specific sounds, a small 'flick,' quiet breathing, a sharp inhale. Turning his left hand shot out, grabbing the hand with the switchblade and giving a hard twist, hearing something snap before using his right hand to stop the fist, pulling the man closer before yanking him forward, letting go and obtaining a new grip on the man's bicep before swinging him into the current man into the previous, letting go of them both and watching them stagger and fall. Blue eyes watched carefully, suddenly hearing gunshots.

That was enough to send the current men running off, Hal pocketing the two things he found before walking towards the noise, more gunshots fired and the loud sound of fighting. Not that it did any good, a large group coming towards him. "Goodness gracious sir," he said, flicking on VOID once more, "You are certainly causing quite a racket. I do not approve of this. This is exactly the opposite of what I wanted. You are such a troublesome child, Solomon." his left hand aimed out, fingertips opening before bullets were shot off in quick succession, each man soon staggering and falling. "I pray you're done. Bullet count, zero, Sol. There are no known elements in this junkyard that can be turned into bullets compatible with my system, for your father created my bullets." and turned walking towards the ruckus once more.

CrowSeven
>But I thought that Solomon was standing so that's why it's incredibly confusing.
>And I will do this as often as I can, correcting. c: I don't mind helping out at all, I had no one to help me when I started out, and I started out using ** as actions XD

Your Missing Period
Vice Captain

IRL Ladykiller


CrowSeven

Golden Phantom

PostPosted: Thu Aug 29, 2013 3:01 am


Your Missing Period
✘ It's all thanks to you.
✘ Dunno if I got a full post correct now,through i've checked three times,well,let's see what gives out from this.


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Solomon thought to himself as soon as he heard Xan's voice. ''What a drag,shut up.I like you but you wear me out sometimes even when in hard situations,always there to rub me to the wrong side.''

After that thought perished,he would click on the bracelet with his chin as he kept his left arm stretched out. Wielding the handgun in that position was sure nothing of a normal shooter, it was an unique skill, he heard more Black Traders coming, shifting his weight to the right side, Solomon's voice saying towards to the bracelet. ''Shut up! You are bugging me out,really,if you came to aid me,you are doing a bad job at it. You could be way more grateful that I care for you! a*****e...''

Shooting both of the guns that he was wielding on his hands, both the rifle and the handgun, making more men stagger and fall to Solomon's superior shooting skill but that brief talk that he had cost him being shot on the shoulder, the VOID was still on. The situation was embarassing for Solomon to even scream, acknowledging the bracelet was still on and Xan could have heard him. Solomon got tired as he tossed his cap and cape, an devil grin coming through his face as he ran towards the hole in a suicidal or beserk state of mind, shooting every one in point blank and then using his superior CQC(Close Quarters Combat)skill to take down more and more traders which meant more suplies,more lifespan, more money and who else knows what these guys carry with them. The traders grown in number,maybe twenty or so were on Solomon's way,starting to use his reserve bullets from both of the handguns as Solomon this time aimed sharp,the bullets hitting on the heads of maybe eight men since his curve bullets could always hit more than one target at once.

Solomon was struggling a bit with his shoulder as he groaned lightly, falling to one knee as the Black Traders thought that was an opportunity, they thought wrong,dead wrong as Solomon was now using his military or CQC skills to take down and snap the necks of those who stood in front of him. One by one, they all fell as then Solomon would sit on the sand, having no more opponents on his side of the battlefield, thinking for a bit to himself. ''Why do I even care when he acts like an a*****e? Oh,right, an impossible love between an human and a robot, pitiful indeed.''
PostPosted: Sat Aug 31, 2013 9:51 pm


User Image "My apologies sir. I would be on my way to aid you, however the amount of trouble you are causing for the both of us has left me tied up at the moment." he responded, using the heel of his hand to shove the nose in and up into the brain, mn dropping dead while another arm was avoided, grabbing the wrist and elbow and flipping him down. "And I am eternally grateful that you are giving me a central nervous system. For putting yourself in harm's way I must be less grateful for. There are more subtle ways to go around this." This is what could be considered an argument, right? These happened so frequently Xan wasn't sure if it was an argument or a conversation.

A low sound resonated in the air along with a few cracks, blue eyes glancing back as a man held his broken hand from trying to punch the metal chassis. "My apologies." And did the same with his nose as the man before. A startling yell of pain made the blond eyebrows raise, fist being shoved against another man's adam's apple before turning, the man gasping for breath behind him. "Hm, being unruly again are we?" He asked before looking back at the man, hard boot kicking the skull, feeling it dent and break inwards before walking.

Solomon wasn't too far away, surprisingly. There he was sitting on a pile of dead bodies like a medieval king. "As usual, sir, you are shot."

CrowSeven
Too tired to check. I'll check tomorrow.

Your Missing Period
Vice Captain

IRL Ladykiller


CrowSeven

Golden Phantom

PostPosted: Sun Sep 01, 2013 3:00 am


Your Missing Period


User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.

''Shut up or do I have to get you a zipper aswell, don't you get it that you wear me out quickly? I am not a ********' baby!'' Solomon responded in quite an angry tone towards Xan, losing his manners completely while raising up from the sand as he tossed the empty assault rifle to the floor in a defiant act while raising up,that shot in the shoulder was painful at the moment but he would not do any more sound depicting that same pain.

Solomon would then put the pieces that he had found for the central nervous system in a pile with an angry look, his will at the moment was to kick the pieces away to oblivion, at the moment he was unstable and really angry hence why he did not mutter anymore words towards Xan neither he had the need to since Xan could already tell that Solomon was angry to his limit.

After that,Solomon would put his handgun on the waist in a slow but elegant gesture as he walked towards the dead bodies of those who opposed him, kicking them angrily,he then said in the same angry and defiant tone. ''You! Check these bodies for supplies and pick up your pieces.You have to work a bit aswell.''
PostPosted: Mon Sep 02, 2013 1:18 am


User Image "Sir, the last time I tried to keep my calculations to myself you grew angry with my near constant silence." He pointed out. It was hard to please Solomon, the android recorded. Though this was already a known fact. It was simply one of those days. "Please allow me to fix your bullet wound, Sol. We cannot have you get infected." he walked forward to check it but the human kicked pieces in Xan's direction, Xan stopping and watching him.

He was furious. "Yes sir. Understood sir." He bent down, slowly going through the pockets and items of those dead, It took a while, judging the contents based on weight, how much him and Solomon could carry, and necessity. With all the bodies and the sheer amount of weight Hal was finding, his back pack had been completely re-organized, a pile made to be put into Solomon's backpack and then a third pile that they had no room for.

But then on to collecting the pieces. He stayed silent, gathering them all and laying them out on the dirt in the order they were to be added, taking off his bag and re-organizing for the third time, including the pieces and adding other things to the pile they could not carry. They would have to leave some supplies behind. There was simply no room. "Sol," he said softly after two hours. "I have completed the tasks you've assigned me."

CrowSeven

Your Missing Period
Vice Captain

IRL Ladykiller


CrowSeven

Golden Phantom

PostPosted: Mon Sep 02, 2013 3:26 am


Your Missing Period
Haven't heard from you in a while,how you been?


User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.

Keeping silent for a bit,Solomon only grabbed onto one of the piles after leaning down a bit,putting the pile into his backpack, one piece going in slowly after the another, he tried to keep his backpack organised by putting each thing in a precise compartment of the backpack, the most important would be right there for the hand to reach and the less important things would be zippered up in other compartments.

After doing that, Solomon had his breath more controlled and he was less angry, saying in his usual care-free voice while raising a thumbs up. ''Nice job, these supplies might make us last for a longer time in the world, now let us go to the shelter you might have found out, I saw a shovel around here somewhere, mind searching for it?''

Everything being said and done, Solomon would put his hand on the shoulder wound, prying it open while clenching his teeth, tears did not come out of his eyes due to shame, he had gotten a hold of the bullet with his index and thumb finger, ripping it out of his flesh, it was lodged almost perfectly in his shoulder. After getting the bullet out of his shoulder,he tossed it out to the sand with a smirk as he would keep the Black Trader's red bandana tied up correctly, grabbing his backpack in a slow way.

After doing that,Solomon promptly put his backpack on his back as he awaited for Xan to lead them to the shelter while whistling a bit, knowing that Xan had to find a shovel yet.
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