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Horace - To Jan

Horace @nokoni_island
But maybe it wasn't really you, after all. Not in this dream.
9:30pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
But, sometime, I think I'd like to have a nice dream.
9:30pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
This isn't gonna make any sense if you ever read this.
9:29pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
I remembered you and you... didn't.
9:28pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
You were in my dream - about knights and stuff. I didn't like that part.
22 May 15, 3:31pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
Like I'm a fixed point in time and everything else is still moving. I dunno. It'd be easier if you hadn't been podded.
22 May 15, 3:30pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
I have a lot of friends, but I still feel lonely. I can't really talk to you and it makes me feel kinda like I'm stuck.
15 May 15, 7:06pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
You can't read this anyway. What am I even doing?
15 May 15, 7:06pm
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Horace @******** May 15, 7:06pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
I dream and it keeps me from sleeping and its you and not you and I dont know anything anymore and
15 May 15, 7:05pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
I'm so tired all the time. What do you do when you feel so tired your bones feel like they'll bend and break? I dream.
15 May 15, 6:17pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
It's strange.
15 May 15, 6:17pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
Today is Friday and it's beautiful outside - I don't think you'd get sunburned and I miss you.
26 Apr 15, 10:53pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
You're safe, I hope. I want to see you again.
26 Apr 15, 10:51pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
It's bigger than any fear creature I've seen and I guess I'm glad you're not here.
22 Apr 15, 2:10am
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Horace @nokoni_island
It feels like something is going to go really, really wrong.
22 Apr 15, 2:07am
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Horace @nokoni_island
I'm out on a mission and it's cold, dark and wet. I miss you more than ever. I wish you could be there when I come back.
22 Apr 15, 2:07am
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Horace @nokoni_island
i miss you and I wonder if I shouldn't.

Horace and Chantelle

race @nokoni_island
I appreciate it! I'll come by to drop it off a little later if you think you'll be around.
22 May 15, 12:35am
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
Yep! I can smile
22 May 15, 12:23am
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Horace @nokoni_island
Hey, if I give you something, can you give it to Jan?
20 May 15, 6:54pm
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
Sure! That'd be great!
20 May 15, 6:49pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
There's a lot of really friendly people on the island - if you look in the right places. If you want sometime you can hang out w/ me & mine.
20 May 15, 6:47pm
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
I mostly take whatever I can get in the friends department.
20 May 15, 6:30pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
I'm not terribly interested in talking to her anymore, but I guess I wish you luck in being friends haha.
20 May 15, 6:16pm
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
We are sort of on speaking terms but not much more than that.
20 May 15, 6:00pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
Well, America is not necessarily a nice person, most of the time. Do you get along now?
20 May 15, 5:52pm
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
I am! People like can just be pretty mean, I used to be bullied by America because she was rude.
20 May 15, 5:49pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
That's surprising - you seem pretty sociable, though.
20 May 15, 5:45pm
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
I don't like, know anyone personally, I don't get to talk to many people. It'd be totally interesting though!
20 May 15, 5:44pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
Do you happen to know any Lifer who's researched that? Might be interesting to read, even if I don't find their feeding on human fear great.
20 May 15, 5:43pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
Oh and I was thinking about what you said the other day - about fear creatures having familiy and such -
20 May 15, 5:41pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
Using up too much space thinking about vampires?
20 May 15, 5:27pm
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
Oh they are pretty noisy but not quite.
20 May 15, 5:26pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
Got a noisy weapon or something? Mine talks a lot, but she's pretty easy to tune out.
20 May 15, 5:04pm
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
There are a lot of things stuck in my head ha ha ha. I am fortunately immune to earworms however.
20 May 15, 4:01pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
Is it stuck in your head now?
20 May 15, 3:29pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
.....it is. Dammit. That was completely unintentional.
20 May 15, 3:28pm
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
Isn't that a song by Linkin Park
20 May 15, 3:26pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
I guess, in the end, it doesn't really matter.
20 May 15, 3:26pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
I'm still unsure how they in particular knew I was gone.
20 May 15, 3:04pm
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
Oh it was certainly deserved but it truly was the worst case situation. Meddlers all.
20 May 15, 3:01pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
I can't... I don't know if I can say it's a wholely undeserved punishment, but I wish it hadn't been America & co who had come.
20 May 15, 2:37pm
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
Oh just how much he misses you and resents this particular punishment.
20 May 15, 2:10pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
What sorts of things does he say? I hope he only tells you about my good side.
20 May 15, 1:54pm
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
He like, always talks about you.
19 May 15, 1:58am
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
No problem!
19 May 15, 1:54am
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Horace @nokoni_island
I... sorry, there's some things I don't feel comfortable passing along like that.
19 May 15, 1:47am
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
I can tell him things but I don't know how long until he's back.
19 May 15, 1:42am
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Horace @nokoni_island
How long until he's back?
19 May 15, 1:41am
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Horace @nokoni_island
No, nevermind.
19 May 15, 1:41am
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Horace @nokoni_island
Can you tell him something for me?
18 May 15, 10:51pm
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
No, he isn't able to. It is..part of the punishment.
18 May 15, 10:41pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
He can't tell me?
18 May 15, 7:37pm
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
Yes. He's like, closer than you think.
18 May 15, 7:20pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
But he's on the island, right?
18 May 15, 7:10pm
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
You wouldn't recognise him sad
18 May 15, 7:07pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
I wouldn't recognize him? Is he in some kind of weird disguise?
18 May 15, 7:07pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
I.. don't know how much I can ask, but
18 May 15, 7:46am
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
And he like, can't even say to you.
18 May 15, 7:46am
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
But you'd not know.
18 May 15, 7:46am
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
He is just like, kept away from being around people he wants to be like. Trapped. Maybe like, maybe you've even passed him.
18 May 15, 2:03am
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
No, not dangerous at all. More boring really.
17 May 15, 11:33pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
They don't have him doing anything... very dangerous, do they?
17 May 15, 11:28pm
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Chantelle Stewart @EbonyVampire
Yeah! He's like, doing pretty ok, though still has no freedom at all. He misses you a lot.
17 May 15, 11:25pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
Heyy, have you heard anything from Jan recently?
More options

America

Jan @Ispeakfeline
And am not winding down, I am simply limited somewhat by the inconveniences presented by being murdered.
2:13am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
You gave yourself something to lose. But you learned. Most never do.
2:13am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
You built a cage for your dreams and lived in it, if anything made me laugh, that was one of those ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** was ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** i feel like it betrayed ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** dont know
AMERICA JONES @******** tick tick
2:11am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
I never did see your little love nest. Have you destroyed that yet or is it simply part of the ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** its hard when youre winding down
AMERICA JONES @******** youll just have to wait and see
2:06am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
You did not die. If you had not run I do not know which of us would ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** dont even see it eyes shut so tight
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh you wound me missy, I do not set out to kill people or end them. I am not so final as a cliff.
AMERICA JONES @******** think you put a bandage on them just dangle them over a cliff for a bit longer
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I fix people too. I fixed him and I fixed Melvin.
1:39am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps, I do not know the future. He is happy for now, he smiles, he has nightmares, he does not speak of what is ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** the end i ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** both did
1:38am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
I am curious who ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** kill him in the end or hell do it himself but maybe hell be happy until then
1:38am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
I always wondered how Taym endured it, he always seemed so controlled, so proud, so afraid. There had to be ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** hes better off with soft ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** boys like ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** ha ha i am
1:37am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
I suppose you are correct, you do destroy so easily.
1:36am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
But you are so unyeilding, so definite and outspoken, pride rankles in the face of it.
1:36am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
All he needed was a little softness, a few little untruths and you might well have had him.
1:35am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
The backfire effect is a wonderful, wonderful ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** maybe a little meant for someone like ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** people love lies ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** he got ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** tried to tell him you cant feel love only act on obsession n such
1:34am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Any time that I speak to you he sends me messages demanding why I bother, trying to bring me to heel.
1:33am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
He is incredibly jealous of you. He seems to think I love you or some approximation ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** boy so ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** laughed at that too
1:30am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
And repaired it because it was untidy. And then it upset Horace so which simply raised further questions.
1:29am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
I would not say it was sentiment in the same way as others might define it. I kept it initially to try to understand the ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** a notperson you sure are ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** say i laughed when i found out you still had it
1:27am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Even the lamp is a joke of sorts.
1:27am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
I will admit I find the concept of truly fixing anything which is innately imperfect ludicrous to begin with.
1:26am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Whatever returns is as prone to being twisted as that which went before.
1:25am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
That has generally been traditional wisdom in many areas. With humans however I think you will find even if you eradicate ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** things have to be burnt down before anything good can ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** maybe i was just going about it ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** things?
1:21am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Tied up in that charm was also your refusal to permit that destructive nature true freedom. Are you giving up? Did you lose?
1:20am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
You are certainly exceedingly talented at destruction, it was what always most appealed about you, that seething ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** im ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** be ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** tried for a long ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** im better at breaking things than fixing them
1:16am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Why would you take them with you?
1:16am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
You certainly have the confidence of many gullible ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** ill take a buncha people with ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** itll spread
1:13am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
And I admit my curiosity at what you would be with some significant part of you excised. Would it dim your fire I wonder?
1:13am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
You truly are a remarkable individual missy. I have yet to find anyone who was not chained or bound by those threads of ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** think so
1:11am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Is that ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** be better off just cutting that part ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** dont know if i even want to fill it
1:10am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
To fill it. Many do. Instead you are simply bewildered by it. That is ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** to do what
1:09am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
You were so sure of yourself missy, so certain and stable and whole. And now there is a gap. Unlike others you do not seem to be ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** did
1:08am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
The gap. That sounds like perhaps you had begun to define part of yourself either by him or by the proximity and ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** not ignoring it but each time i dig my fingers into the gap i just end up lost
1:03am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Which is rather cowardly for someone like you, given what I have witnessed from you in the past.
1:02am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps. I cannot speak on his behalf. It does seem very strange that it could be too large, that sounds like ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** cause they hate themselves
12:58am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Can they? Some people seem to be able to take a theoretically infinite ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** emotions but i dont know what to do with them the pictures too ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** excused a lot of mistakes but a person can take only so much
12:54am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
You are the first I have ever seen who appears to respond with no emotion at all. Can emotions be too large?
12:54am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Strange. Most people /do/ seem to run back regardless of how they feel about themselves, they naturally excuse the "mistakes" of their ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** think id have to hate myself a lot to do ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** dont think ill be running back ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** too big and i dont have any experience with ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** have a lotta trouble grasping how i feel with ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Taym of course. You are behaving in a most unusual manner. I have experienced the reactions to several break ups.
Tuesday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** who
Tuesday, 9:41pm
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
I hope you are felling free today. Have you run back to him yet?

Horace

Jan @Ispeakfeline
Not a great deal.
1:03am
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Horace @nokoni_island
Whatcha up to?
Saturday, 3:06am
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Horace @nokoni_island
Yeah, I guess I don't really care about it like you do.
Saturday, 2:22am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
She does seem somewhat off, I am afraid I cannot say to which degree however.
Friday, 10:09pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
But I don't pay very much attention to her, so...
Friday, 10:01pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
Normally, I would say she sounds more... serious, and nitpicky.
Friday, 9:57pm
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Weirder? You think so?
Friday, 9:56pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
She seems weirder, although not ruder to me. But I also don't care enough.
Friday, 9:44pm
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
I apologise if that sounded rude I am trying to stress the fact that I am simply speaking with her, she is ruder than normal.
Friday, 9:43pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
It is just an observation, Jan. I am fully aware you may speak as you wish.
Friday, 9:41pm
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Jealousy does not suit you darling. I am permitted to speak with who I want, I am no longer stalking her. I am simply talking.
Friday, 9:41pm
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do on occaision, I have argued with Taym several times.
Friday, 9:32pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
You don't really argue with others.
Friday, 9:25pm
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Because I find arguing mildly entertaining.
Friday, 9:08pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
Why do you argue with her so much?
9 Jun 15, 2:22am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
I would be interested in that most certainly!
9 Jun 15, 2:00am
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Horace @nokoni_island
I'd like to practice with you sometime. smile
9 Jun 15, 1:56am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Generally I am not, but I would like to improve.
8 Jun 15, 11:59pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
I thought you were not fond of spars :0
8 Jun 15, 1:06am
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Horace @nokoni_island
You did enough. smile
8 Jun 15, 1:00am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
I only wish I could do more.
8 Jun 15, 12:39am
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Horace @nokoni_island
And thank you for the help at the end, Jan.
8 Jun 15, 12:32am
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Horace @nokoni_island
No lasting harm from this, uh, thing, right?
31 May 15, 7:07pm
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
She certainly means well.
31 May 15, 6:59pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
She's not a bad girl, though.
31 May 15, 6:53pm
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
She is oblivious to. MANY. Things.
31 May 15, 6:52pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
I know you do. Is she unaware?
31 May 15, 6:50pm
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Well not everyone. I have many enemies.
31 May 15, 6:49pm
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Horace @nokoni_island
Did you not want people to know?
31 May 15, 3:07am
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Horace @nokoni_island
Alright, let me know when I guess.
31 May 15, 2:59am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Of course. I just got back however I am a bit of a mess.
31 May 15, 2:56am
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Horace @nokoni_island
Do you want me to?
31 May 15, 2:55am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
It is. And you certainly could.
31 May 15, 2:53am
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Horace @nokoni_island
Can I come see you soon?
31 May 15, 2:51am
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Horace @nokoni_island
is my necklace there?
31 May 15, 2:51am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
It is very untidy but I had the key so it is to be expected.
31 May 15, 2:50am
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Horace @nokoni_island
ah i uh gussed itstill messy
31 May 15, 2:39am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
I missed you dearly, you are forgiven. I am simply tidying my room at present, it is rather dusty.
31 May 15, 2:37am
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Horace @nokoni_island
im sory
31 May 15, 2:37am
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Horace @nokoni_island
where were you wehn you were gone? can i see you? i missed yuo i dont know. i
31 May 15, 2:35am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Same old dog, not many new tricks.
31 May 15, 2:33am
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Horace @nokoni_island
Are you ok?
31 May 15, 2:25am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Yes! I am back! They let me out. Oh it is good to be free again.
31 May 15, 2:23am
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Horace @nokoni_island
Jan?
31 May 15, 2:19am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh my darlin

Read bottom to top.

Horace
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Horace @nokoni_island
Good night.
8:03am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Good night Horace.
8:03am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Good.
8:03am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Yes.
8:02am
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Horace @nokoni_island
I love you!
8:02am
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Horace @nokoni_island
I love you I love you I love you
8:02am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Give me an exclaimation mark.
8:01am
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Horace @nokoni_island
I love you.
8:01am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Mean it.
8:01am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Better. But still not good enough. No hesitation.
8:00am
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Horace @nokoni_island
I... I love you.
7:59am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Say it again. Without the sad face.
7:59am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
If you did you'd be here. You'd tell me.
7:58am
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Horace @nokoni_island
sad iloveyou, are you happy now?
7:58am
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Jan @Ispeakfeline
Not enough.
7:57am
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Horace @nokoni_island
Maybe some
7:55am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Mm but do you love me.
7:54am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You're the worst sometimes.
7:50am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You could tell me how much you love me all over again.
7:50am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh no, everything works just fine. And to think, it could be you.
7:49am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I hope you get ED or something.
7:48am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You chose to not listen to me. You chose to hurt me. You chose to tell me to leave.
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh it was though, you chose to argue over the shoes, you chose to be a stubborn a**. You reap what you sow.
7:47am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
It wasn't exactly by choice.
7:46am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
wink
7:46am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Oh? Who is it?
7:46am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps you shouldn't have abandoned me.
7:45am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh, it's not America.
7:45am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Watch out for ice crotch
7:45am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Nice dodge.
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps some other time you can tell me in detail how it feels to be in a cage of one's own devising.
7:43am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I grow weary of talking in circles with you. I am going to go deal with my tragically untended libido and sleep.
7:42am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Ha ha ha
7:42am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
And who are you now?
7:42am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It was not a lie.
7:41am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
In the beginning I told you I was Jan, I told you what Jan thought of you.
7:41am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
There are many truths and you had told me none in the beginning.
7:40am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Lying for me is complex.
7:39am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And yet again we come to something which I explained to you and you refused to understand.
7:39am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I would not have been so sad if I hadn't been lied to.
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps your masochism extends further than you thought.
More options
7:38am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You keep saying you'd love it if I didn't lie, yet when I am honest you get sad and pathetic.
7:37am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Lets mosey off into the sunset together pardner, build a house, have a family and a home.
7:37am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Don't treat me like a child.
7:36am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You are number one to me, I will never speak to America again, I love only you and no one else in all the world.
7:36am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I would have liked it best if you had never lied from the beginning.
7:36am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh I love you Horace I always loved you all along, you taught me to love and I am a new man.
7:36am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Just lip service without honesty, be honest that was all you ever wanted. Monogamy and false happiness.
7:36am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I mentioned it several times before. This is not some new revelation.
7:35am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You would have liked it best if I had stayed entirely Jan and told you all the sweet things you wanted to hear.
7:35am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
If only I had known to ask about a state which I could not imagine and had no idea existed until you mentioned it.
7:33am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You could have asked
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Horace. I can only explain these things so many times.
7:32am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
How could I make you feel it if I can't imagine what it would be like to feel that way?
7:32am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Feelings again.
7:31am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You keep saying that like it's true but it never felt true
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
*you
7:28am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh Horace, you didn't know, because you thought your were leftovers when you had the most enviable place of anyone.
7:26am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Of course I knew what I had. I was desperate to hold on, but it was like grasping a hot pan with my bare hands.
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Not smart enough to realise what you had until you no longer had it.
7:24am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I am as smart as any other man, Jan.
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You never were very smart, I suppose.
7:21am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I came to a logical conclusion given the evidence I saw.
7:20am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
But you told yourself that you were, and in the end that was what you wanted to hear.
7:20am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You were not.
7:19am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
It hurts to be second. Or third. Or leftovers or whatever.
7:18am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Yes, I have explained the situation with choices.
7:17am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Choice isn't quite the right word but
7:17am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Missing something requires a certain degree of regret and wisfulness. I do not regret. But those things were satifying.
7:17am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I could be subservient to you, but I never wanted to be second choice.
7:16am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I miss the sex sure and how sometimes my throat was raw afterwards.
7:16am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I miss you. I miss you so much it aches. I miss being with you,touching your hair, -
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You were not subservient enough, learn to be. Learn to bow when you should. Or accept the fact that you do not really want to.
7:11am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
It is how it is. You TOLD me I could not learn to be better than I am.
7:11am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Instead of wallowing in a pathetic puddle of could have would have should have. Understand and rectify.
7:10am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
If you are not something then LEARN to be it. ATTAIN it.
7:10am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
This tedious if only I were this or if only I were that is pathetic.
7:09am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh do stop being pitiful.
Horace @nokoni_island
If I were good enough, things would not be as they are.
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You fed the voice and it grew.
7:08am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You wanted someone who would simply tell you what you wanted to hear, you wanted to feed that ravenous hunger.
7:07am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Ha ha ha. Created by me? It was always there Horace, or you would not have been pulled towards me.
7:07am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
If you were not enough as you put it, if you were inadequate and so on and so forth. I would ignore you.
7:07am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
The 'voice in my head' if you want to call it that - was created by you.
7:07am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
That is the present state of affairs.
7:06am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Every one of your actions told me that.
7:06am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Tommorow if you wanted sex from me I would have no problem at all providing, but if you defied me again, I would be forced to kill you.
7:05am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
But if believing those things makes this easier for you then feel free to.
7:04am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
The voice which you projected onto me repeatedly.
7:04am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
That is all your own little voice in your head, the real thing that you love.
7:04am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I have never once said any one of those things.
7:04am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I get it.
7:04am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I already know, okay. I wasn't good enough, did not try long enough, did not bring enough value to the table. I am nothing, okay
7:01am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Strange that you would allow that to happen.
6:58am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Simply continue to feel like I'm dying, I guess.
6:58am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I do not know.
6:57am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And what will you do now?
6:56am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
She does not need my warning. She has others.
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You could warn her.
6:50am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I expect that one day, at some point she will.
6:49am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps she will not.
6:49am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I hope Maebe does not go back to you.
6:47am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
No. If I had wanted to, I could have.
6:46am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Were you trying to break me, too?
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And if she did something drastic in the process, so much the better, the tragedy would have presented its own opportunities.
6:44am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It would have been convenient to have her on a lead.
6:44am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Like an unruly animal she wants nothing more than a steady handler to make her sit up and beg. She is not the wild creature she thinks.
6:43am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
The potential gain lay in breaking her and bringing her to heel. She is very fragile Horace.
6:43am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
What did you gain by sleeping with Maebe?
6:42am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It was to our mutual gain.
6:42am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
On this island one can never have too much money, too many fancy rooms, too many people in good standing.
6:42am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It was not seeking to scratch some manner of negligent itch.
6:42am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You did not lack anything, my pursuit elsewhere was about gain.
6:41am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I enjoy inexperience Horace. Insofar as one can.
6:40am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I apologize for any inconvenient inexperience.
6:40am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Why?
6:39am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Even in that, I was not enough.
6:38am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I come out of sexual encounters with far more than the energy I expend.
6:38am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You are not me. You get attached. I do not.
6:37am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I impose a double standard for your own good.
6:36am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
That is because you impose a double standard in regards to sex. And I have already repeated myself too much about who and how you notice.
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not know why it is her.
More options
6:35am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You do not like it enough to accept my attitudes to sex, or my capacity to notice you.
6:34am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Why is it her, then?
6:34am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Excepting your obsession with America, I like your mind.
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps. And why should age, gender or origins have any bearing on merit?
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Most people would say everything about my mind was unhealthy. They would prefer I simply stopped being a problem.
6:32am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Is she what would give you godhood? A nineteen year old southern girl.
6:31am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Most people would say that it is unhealthy, would seek some form of help- not to discover an answer, but to forget the question.
6:31am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
But your greed ruined you.
6:31am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You would have remained after she was complete. You would have gotten to witness my ascent.
Horace @nokoni_island
I was only a smaller note to amuse you while you waited for her symphony.
6:30am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I was only a smaller note to amuse you while you waited for her symphony.
6:29am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Having her here, having her near me alleviates it. I can THINK.
6:28am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
BESET. BY HER.
6:28am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And even then I am not certain killing her would end it. What if it did not? I aim to be immortal. I would live for ever.
6:27am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
The only way to resolve her question Horace is to possess her in specific ways or to kill her.
6:27am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I chose to befriend you, I chose to possess you.
6:26am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
But it its not through choice. It is not through esteem. I did not choose this. I do not even control it.
6:26am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
- that someone without my keen levels of composure and self control might be driven insane by it. It does not relent.
6:25am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
She resides in my thoughts, every moment of every day, she is the last thing I think of and the first. It is madenning and I imagine -
6:25am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Your explanations do not match your actions.
6:25am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not think about America by choice. It is not linked to her inherent value to me.
6:24am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I have explained a hundred times to you the situation.
6:24am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Nothing was ever good enough Horace.
6:23am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
How can I assume things, people do not matter to you when I see they do.
6:23am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I even tried to pretend I was capable of those things in the assumption it might make you happy.
6:23am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Which was never the case. I tolerated your outbursts because they were what you are. I tolerated your demands for love.
6:23am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It would be like me wanting nothing more than for you to feel nothing at all.
6:22am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And once again we come back to that old chestnut. Wanting to matter to me assumes that I am not me.
6:22am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Obviously not
6:21am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
So do not try to make this about some pitiable defacit in you. You had everything I was interested in.
6:21am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I WANTED TO MATTER TO YOU
6:21am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Yes, she was always more than a possession. More.
6:21am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You got what you wanted.
6:20am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You wanted to be her. You wanted to be outside of my possessions, you did not want to belong.
6:20am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I guess not anymore though. You just throw out broken toys.
6:20am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Her requests did not matter because she was never mine to shape or control or possess.
6:20am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I demand certain things of my belongings. I will not tolerate untidiness, I will not tolerate crass taste, I will remove what must be.
6:19am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
She never belonged to me Horace. You belonged to me.
6:19am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I just wanted to be enough somehow
6:18am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Remove it and you will be less than nothing to me.
6:18am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I could have asked you to compromise the same things and would have been told no.
6:18am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
The only deficiency in you is your humanity, and that was all I was interested in.
6:17am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
When you do not particularly care about anything, it is easy to bend. You always asked me to compromise the things that mattered.
6:17am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
The only reason you have not slept with her more is because she'll give you ice crotch. I'm not stupid, Jan.
6:17am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And I bend to whims which do not matter to me, where I was doing nothing contrary to them.
6:16am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
And yes, there must be some sort of deficiency in me somewhere. Maybe one day I will find it and cut it out, make myself better.
6:16am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I have hardly slept with her and it is hardly a mitigating factor you know. I would sleep with anyone if I stood to gain.
6:15am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Everything you have done and said had shown me how far below her I am to you. You placed me here and told me I could not rise.
6:14am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Is it dislike if you ******** her, live with her, hold her opinion above others? Is it dislike if you allow yourself to bend to her whims?
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I bear towards her was more important than the tolerance I extended towards you. You did this.
6:12am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You are the one who consigned yourself to the rank that you presently inhabit. You are the one who decided that the dislike that
6:11am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I am not a brute force sort of creature Horace, why take what you can be given? It is not solving a puzzle if you take it apart and break it
6:11am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
She remains special to you, regardless. I could not measure up.
6:10am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I went to her because there was a free offer on the table. I would just have likely gone to anyone.
6:09am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
But I guess congratulations on not being a rapist.
6:09am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Even on the island there is a semblance of order. Even I know you have survival instincts.
6:08am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
And now she, or something close enough to her for your purposes, does. So you went to her.
6:07am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
If she was such an obsession, her opinion should not have mattered.
6:07am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Because she would not have you.
6:07am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
If she was the exclusion of everything else, why did I end up with you at all?
6:06am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You're twisted around her finger like a child, despite for attention, any kind of attention.
6:06am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
She is the exclusion of everything else. She knows the hold she has on you.
6:05am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You like the word should. You like to tell me what I should feel, what I should do.
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Another person and the torment or prodding of her should not be someone's life work.
6:02am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
She is more. She is a fixation.
6:02am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
She is a key to understanding something important to me. Would you tell a scientist to give up his life's work?
6:01am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
She was not everything to me, she is a blight, a nuisance, a curiosity.
6:00am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Yes, it became problematic to you because America is everything to you.
6:00am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
If they had cared about me, they would have understood.
5:59am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I realize you do not think the same as other people, but most people would have become upset in that situation.
5:59am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I would have to lie simply to get you to stop complaining. It was rather tedious.
5:58am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You dismissed everything.
5:58am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And yes, your problem with America was what made you impossible to deal with.
5:58am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I listened to what mattered, I dismissed what did not.
5:58am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
And maybe the fact that one subject was our main contention made it worse.
5:57am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You know, we only ever really argued about America.
5:56am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Listening means not dismissing everything I said as though it were nothing more than in convenient buzz of a fly.
5:56am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps if you had had something to say which was not "Everything you do Jan, is problematic to me"
5:56am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I listen to interesting things, trivial objections about the things I do are not interesting.
5:54am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
When not even your insatiable curiosity wanted to listen.
5:54am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
To you listening means doing as you say.
5:53am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
How could I think you ever tried to understand me when you would not listen
5:52am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
If you think that I do not try to understand, then you truly never knew anything about me.
5:52am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I loved both the parts that were fake and the pieces I saw that were not. And that is why it's hard.
5:51am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
But I do not love how you do not try to understand. I do not love how, not even love, how I would never be anything to you.
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And I should, frankly have known better. But sometimes, even gods can be fools.
5:50am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
When I became who I am, when I let you see me, that is when you rebelled and began to dislike me. That is when it ended.
5:50am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I behaved like what I thought you wanted to hear, what you wanted in another person. You loved that. You loved yourself.
5:50am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You loved the act. You loved the face I wore, many people have, considering it is a reflection of them.
5:49am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I love you.
5:49am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
They have tried to fix me Horace. I was plied with every drug you could think of as a child, I tried myself foolishly for a time.
5:49am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
More than what I am.
5:49am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You wanted me to be something I do not think I am capable of being. You loved the idea of what you could make me.
5:48am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Your measure of importance was impossible for me to live up to. You wanted to be loved. That is what you wanted.
5:48am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I'm not good enough. I know already.
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You have too much defiance and not enough intelligence.
5:47am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I told you to leave because it would ultimately end in your death.
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I wanted to be important to you and a part of me still wants that. But I guess I'm just fond of impossible things.
5:44am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
And you told me to leave.
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Maja left me, Susan I left on my own.
More options
5:41am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Didn't they both leave you though?
5:40am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Your wife didn't have to deal with quite the same situations.
5:40am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And intervening on my part only ever resulted in a lot of crying and other unpleasantness.
5:40am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
My wife would exhibit symptoms of upset but later would be once more back to her level and amicable state.
5:39am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Everything I know I know simply from observation, I have never observed someone quite as needy as you are.
5:39am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You were entirely entitled to be upset and to want things, but you perhaps should not have assumed that I would understand.
5:38am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
It's not.
5:38am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It is mild emotional discomfort, presumably it would pass like a small cut. It needs no intervention from me.
5:38am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Why am I not allowed to want things? Why am I not allowed to be upset?
5:38am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
why you were upset, when I have never truly BEEN upset in the way you are. I see no reason to know why because why should I?
5:37am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Horace did you ever understand me? It makes no sense to me that you would expect me to want to know
5:36am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I trusted you, I love you, but you obviously never valued enough to want to know why I was upset.
5:35am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
How do you lose something which is not a competition?
5:35am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Everything got selfishly chalked up to me not /caring/ enough for you. Always demanding of me
5:35am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Everything would have worked to our benefit in the end but the fact of the matter was you could not trust me or my reasons.
5:35am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You say it's not a competition, but I still always lose.
5:34am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It likely was before. But the only reason was curiosity, there is a certain vivacity in young women, and gullibility.
5:33am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I slept with Maebe, I cannot even recall if it was during our relationship, she meant so very little to me. It was simply curiosity.
5:33am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
But it was because I was there. Not because I'm me or because of love or affection.
5:33am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
But where I put my manhood absolutely does. It goes a lot of places, it is attached to me, it does not mean I give anything of myself.
5:32am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Of course it registers.
5:32am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It seems strange to me that giving you information I would not normally give to others does not register at all on your scale of values.
5:31am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Defacation does not seem a reasonable measure of care.
5:31am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I would've never done that. I didn't sleep around and I thought you didn't too. I trusted you too, you know.
5:31am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
How does one define giving a s**t?
5:30am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
And you never gave two shits about me.
5:29am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I would not have been surprised if you did. I of course would not have been able to trust you with anything private.
5:29am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Because they are mine, of course.
5:28am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Maybe I should've slept with half the damn island.
5:28am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
And yours are more valid than mine why?
5:24am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I could have listened but it would likely have been a waste of both of our time. I cannot imagine any reason which would have been valid.
5:20am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You did not want to listen to my reasons.
5:18am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Because there was no reason for you to object short of petty selfishness.
5:17am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Yes, but if I had preferred you not sleep with someone, my opinion would never have mattered.
5:15am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not keep a tally.
5:15am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And the boy is an imbicile, in thrall of an even larger imbicile. It was a situation I would have preferred had not occurred.
5:15am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I did not approve of you sleeping with Al, I have a great number of confidences I invested in you, I could not trust you would not tell them
5:13am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
How many people did you sleep with when we were together ?
5:12am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I had thought you cared, when you seemed upset after I slept with Al. I guess it was a pretty act.
5:11am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I cannot see how it would ever be freeing.
5:11am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
- the stability of day to day living, to set one back to the beginning with nowhere to live and so on.
5:10am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps again the problem lies in wanting to "feel special". It implies a degree of feeling. Exclusivity makes it too easy to disrupt -
5:08am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
It can be freeing.
5:08am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You've never wanted to feel special to someone or been possessive. It's not limiting, exclusivity.
4:58am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And there is no one who can singularly provide the spectrum of positives that you brought to the table. Every individual is different.
4:55am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I cannot understand why you demand such exclusivity. It does not make sense.
4:52am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I'm sure you have other people who could fill my role. I only want you, but it's not the same for you.
4:46am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh I don't know, if you were here and not where you are, I would certainly be interested in sleeping with you.
4:46am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It is entirely possible to be bored surrounded by people. Granted I am not certain if what I feel is boredom, I just assume that it is.
4:45am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You don't want me anymore*
4:45am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And even if I do not have the requisite emotions to say anything definitive about want, but I was able to be interested.
4:44am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I don't want you? That is an illogical statement considering that I spent the last several months in your company.
4:42am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
And you're surrounded by people - how can you be bored?
4:41am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You don't want me.
4:27am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I am sure if you were here we could have found something to do.
4:27am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
That is unfortunate. I am bored.
4:25am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I miss you again.
Monday, 6:04am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I know.
Monday, 5:48am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not understand.
Monday, 5:33am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Not quite, no. While there is a measure of it, I don't think it's a good thing nesc.
Monday, 5:27am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Viciousness? This is the manner everyone interacts on twitter.
Monday, 5:21am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
There's a fine line between prodding and viciousness somtimes, I think.
Monday, 5:21am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Of course not. You are free as always to speak to whomever you please, regardless of anything else.
Monday, 4:37am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
She is a silly little girl and it is amusing to prod her.
Monday, 4:36am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Because it is entertaining. Would you rather I spoke to no one all day?
Monday, 4:23am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
The back-and-forth baiting with Maebe
Monday, 3:30am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Do what?
Monday, 3:29am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Why do you do that?
Sunday, 7:22pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Eh, could be more than just that.
Sunday, 6:51pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I feel they are merely a dump of the irrelevancies of the day.
Sunday, 6:41pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Even if most are not, dreams are an interesting expression of the subconscious & based on that, I think they've some merit.
Sunday, 6:32pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Most are not. My dreams are generally solitary for the most part, when individuals intervene, they are not from this island.
Sunday, 6:29pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
There is evidence that some dreams are shared, and especially on this island, some are what can be considered alternate realities.
Sunday, 6:17pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
There is no scientific evidence supporting the fact that dreams are of real concequence is there?
Sunday, 6:16pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I keep records of everything.
Sunday, 6:16pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Some would probably argue that dreams are of conssequnce, even if intangible.
Sunday, 5:52pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I keep records of tangible things with consequence, dreams are neither.
Sunday, 5:51pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
No.
Sunday, 5:43pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Have you ever kept a dream diary?
Saturday, 3:20am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Who knows?
Saturday, 3:19am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
What does that say about people who dream in both color & black and white?
Saturday, 1:23am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
What I consider emotions other people consider nothing, and in my dreams the shades are what other people would consider no colour at all.
Saturday, 1:22am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
No, in my dreams it is as if it was never there. There is no memory of it. I suppose it would be like asking me if I miss emotions.
Saturday, 1:20am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Do you miss color when you dream?
Saturday, 1:20am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I always wondered, because of how you speak in your sleep, but I never asked. I wasn't sure if you would tell me.
Friday, 7:20am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I dream in black and white, I think.
Friday, 7:19am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
When I do remember it is strange and fragmented, walking on a silver beach beside a still black ocean which goes on for ever.
Friday, 7:19am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not remember. Most of the time I feel that I do not dream at all. When I wake I usually remember nothing.
Friday, 7:01am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
So what do you dream about?
Wednesday, 11:21pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Ok.
Wednesday, 11:16pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I answered one of your questions.
Wednesday, 11:11pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Never mind.
Wednesday, 11:11pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
The knowledge of the answer?
Wednesday, 11:10pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
If you do not care, then why do you want to know? What do you get out of asking how I feel?
Wednesday, 11:03pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
But that will not stop me seeking the answers.
Wednesday, 11:02pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
If that was the case I should never ask another question.
Wednesday, 11:02pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
One must care about the answers to ask questions?
Wednesday, 10:57pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Yes, I am still off island, stop worrying
Wednesday, 10:57pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
But you do not care about the answers.
Wednesday, 10:34pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Is that inappropriate?
Wednesday, 10:30pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Simple curiosity.
Wednesday, 10:16pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Why do you ask?
Wednesday, 7:22pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
How are you doing? You are still away from the island?
9 Jul 15, 5:40pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Yes.
9 Jul 15, 5:39pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
If it were as simple as that, things would have obviously turned out differently.
9 Jul 15, 5:28pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps you should have thought of that before starting all the rebellious nonsense.
9 Jul 15, 4:51pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I don't know why I'm telling you
9 Jul 15, 4:51pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I know you don't miss me, but I miss you
8 Jul 15, 6:24am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Why would I ask for it when I know you would not care to help?
8 Jul 15, 6:24am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I have reasons behind my questions. Me being sad is simply a fact right now. Things hurt. Any implication of -you- to fix me was not meant.
8 Jul 15, 6:19am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You just complained about being sad a lot and asked too many pointless questions. This implied you wanted me to do something.
8 Jul 15, 6:01am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I did not ask you to fix me.
8 Jul 15, 5:30am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Well that is not my problem to fix.
7 Jul 15, 11:40pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
It doesn't work like that. I was happier than ever for a while, and then... I wasn't.
7 Jul 15, 11:38pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Maybe you should just not be sad.
7 Jul 15, 11:31pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
No, it would have just been a different type of sadness.
7 Jul 15, 11:26pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Is it? Perhaps if you had not asked so many questions you would not be sad at all.
7 Jul 15, 10:57pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
not trying to be a pyschiatrist. Just... curious, I guess. It's better than feeling sad all the time.
7 Jul 15, 10:50pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I am weary of these constant questions. You sound like a psychiatrist. No thank you.
7 Jul 15, 10:30pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
then what?
7 Jul 15, 10:26pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Not who.
7 Jul 15, 9:38pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Who do you want to understand?
7 Jul 15, 9:02pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh no I intend to understand others ha ha. Not vice versa, so don't waste your time.
7 Jul 15, 8:31pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I thought you wanted people to understand you. "The most I can hope for is understanding-"
7 Jul 15, 8:30pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You always were so good at deflecting questins.
7 Jul 15, 8:14pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Horace you shouldn't strain your mind, you are not me. You will clearly never understand.
7 Jul 15, 8:13pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
But if they are the same, why does the clone understand you and the original not?
7 Jul 15, 7:59pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It can be exactly the same, hence the very definition of a copy.
7 Jul 15, 7:46pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
They are not the same. A copy cannot supersede the original.
7 Jul 15, 7:42pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
God is three. She is many.
7 Jul 15, 7:42pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
They are the same thing.
7 Jul 15, 7:35pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
How can you switch between them so easily? Is your fixation fickle?
7 Jul 15, 7:28pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
The one before did not understand me.
7 Jul 15, 7:22pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
The one before was.
7 Jul 15, 7:19pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
She is not human.
7 Jul 15, 7:16pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I miss you.
7 Jul 15, 7:13pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You are not a puzzle to be solved, but artwork to be admired and thought of, if you wish to go the route of metaphors.
7 Jul 15, 7:12pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
America is only human and she 'understands' you, as it were.
7 Jul 15, 6:48pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
So do not demean me by presuming I am some puzzle to be solved.
7 Jul 15, 6:48pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
A human cannot possibly understand the inner workings of another creature. You are within your own mental prison.
7 Jul 15, 6:42pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
How so? Is it wrong to want to understand?
7 Jul 15, 6:40pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
That's very arrogant of you.
7 Jul 15, 6:37pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I want to understand.
7 Jul 15, 6:15pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
That's enough intrusive questions.
7 Jul 15, 5:13pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Then who are you?
7 Jul 15, 5:04pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I could not say if there was ever a me.
7 Jul 15, 4:38pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Do you know the answer? And, who is the... original you? If there's such a thing.
7 Jul 15, 2:39pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
That is a question isn't it.
7 Jul 15, 7:44am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Takes for what?
7 Jul 15, 6:56am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
As many as it takes.
6 Jul 15, 1:05pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
There is no reason except that I want to understand. How many yous?
6 Jul 15, 6:15am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
All there is to know is that I do not have Dissociative Identity Disorder but there are complexities in my truths.
6 Jul 15, 6:13am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
There is no reason to explain or try.
6 Jul 15, 5:03am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I am listening, so, try me?
6 Jul 15, 5:01am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It is complicated.
6 Jul 15, 1:52am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Many yous?
6 Jul 15, 1:33am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
There are many mes.
6 Jul 15, 1:33am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
There is no single truthful answer.
6 Jul 15, 12:58am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
there is a clear delineation in truth or lies in how you answer.
6 Jul 15, 12:58am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
If I were to ask a question, like 'where are you' or 'what are you thinking' -
6 Jul 15, 12:01am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Then for them it is reality. A schizophrenic can not be convinced they are wrong, because they are no more wrong than everyone else.
6 Jul 15, 12:00am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Truth is a false construct of the human mind, subject to abstract rules which mean nothing at all. If someone believes something to be true
5 Jul 15, 11:46pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Why do you think that? There are things that are truth, could be truths, and things that are lies.
5 Jul 15, 10:31pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
There is no truth. If there are several there is no truth.
5 Jul 15, 10:19pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Even if the truth happens to vary, it does still exist. In any given moment there is a truth or sevral truths. And you still lie, don't you?
5 Jul 15, 10:03pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
The truth varies depending on who we are, where we are the situation we are in. Anyone who says otherwise is also, ironically a liar.
5 Jul 15, 10:03pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Because there is no such thing as the truth.
5 Jul 15, 8:23pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Why did you keep lying to me even after I asked you not to?
2 Jul 15, 1:25pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
A metaphor, sweetheart.
2 Jul 15, 3:45am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You shouldn't do that, aviation is very dangerous and best left to the professionals.
2 Jul 15, 3:38am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I thought I could make wings, once.
2 Jul 15, 3:34am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
The most I can hope for is understanding, perhaps that is the most that you can hope for too.
2 Jul 15, 3:34am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I could desire to feel emotions but it is never actually going to happen.
2 Jul 15, 3:33am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
That isn't how the world works Horace. A dog can want to fly more than anything else but it will never be a bird.
2 Jul 15, 3:27am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
so, something is wrong with me. I'm not enough.
2 Jul 15, 3:27am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
but i cannot be
2 Jul 15, 3:26am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
there is nothing i have wanted more than to be worthy of you, useful, enough, loved.
2 Jul 15, 3:02am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It is not an inherent wrong.
2 Jul 15, 2:59am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You don't serve my purposes.
2 Jul 15, 2:59am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Why?
2 Jul 15, 2:45am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
there's obviously something wrong with me
2 Jul 15, 2:36am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You just are not safe or suitable for me to have around.
2 Jul 15, 2:36am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
There is nothing wrong with what you are.
2 Jul 15, 2:35am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I'm not enough.
2 Jul 15, 2:35am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I know.
2 Jul 15, 2:33am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Because you aren't her.
2 Jul 15, 2:33am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
No.
2 Jul 15, 2:30am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
would it have been better if i had tried to emulate her?
2 Jul 15, 2:25am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
she hates you
2 Jul 15, 2:13am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
A fixation, someone who looks at me and sees what is there.
2 Jul 15, 2:08am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
then what is she to you?
2 Jul 15, 1:45am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You made it a competition, even after I warned you what would happen if you did.
2 Jul 15, 1:45am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You also refused to understand anything to do with America and I. It is not a relationship. You never took that on board.
2 Jul 15, 1:30am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
i never intended to
2 Jul 15, 12:41am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I did, but even with that you still put me in danger.
2 Jul 15, 12:38am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
you're worth more than everything to me - im sorry you didnt see that
2 Jul 15, 12:25am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
If you were truly penitent you would not have undervalued me in the first place.
2 Jul 15, 12:24am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
would you have have even believed me?
2 Jul 15, 12:23am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Yes. I am sure you are. Perhaps you should have thought of that earlier.
2 Jul 15, 12:16am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
im ssorry
1 Jul 15, 10:41pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It means being rich, satisfied and completely in control. Full manifestation of what I am capable of.
1 Jul 15, 10:29pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
What does it mean to be perfect, then?
1 Jul 15, 9:31pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Perfection.
1 Jul 15, 7:01pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
What sort of motivations do you have?
1 Jul 15, 6:08pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
If I relied solely on emotions for motivation I would stop.
1 Jul 15, 6:03pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Because I do.
1 Jul 15, 5:54pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Then why do you do it?
1 Jul 15, 5:50pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not enjoy anything Horace.
1 Jul 15, 12:37pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You've been exceptionally callous of late - have you enjoyed it?
17 Jun 15, 3:03am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Ah, okay. Well, at least you're quite easy to lift. smile
17 Jun 15, 2:44am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I have no desire to eat more, this weight is deliberate.
17 Jun 15, 2:39am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Well, I mean... you probably could eat more, if you wanted. It's not as though you'd get fat.
17 Jun 15, 2:38am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
That would be why.
17 Jun 15, 2:37am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Alright, though... why're counting calories? You're so light.
17 Jun 15, 2:26am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I very much appreciate the gesture but I feel it would set me above my caloric intake for the day.
17 Jun 15, 2:22am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I got bored and co-opted some foodstuffs and made a cake. Do you want some?


America

Jan @Ispeakfeline
Nothing wrong with playing many roles.
Thursday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** guess im probably the ursula too but that just means winning from both sides right
Thursday, 6:09am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
What an appropriate Ariel you would be.
4 Jul 15, 4:06pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Being born is rather over-rated.
2 Jul 15, 12:40am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Ok. If that is what you think is correct.
2 Jul 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** dont like her to be hurting
2 Jul 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** cant feel love e fir her but theres other things
2 Jul 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** dont think that came from a good place inside her
2 Jul 15, 12:32am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It was what she was into. You'd be surprised how well she responded to being demeaned in the past.
1 Jul 15, 11:04pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Just with the ability to cause me significant pain in my netherregions. Something you might consider an advantage.
1 Jul 15, 11:04pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Wether you were fear based or not. You are still America.
1 Jul 15, 11:03pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
But I suppose that is an inevitability at this juncture thanks to Horace. For what it is worth I saw no reason to treat you differently.
1 Jul 15, 11:03pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
to say nothing about it to anyone or to you. That is all. I was threatened with... a cruel and unusual punishment.
1 Jul 15, 11:02pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Anyone with knowledge of you of which I as far as I am aware is about four people, all of whom bar me are morons was instructed
1 Jul 15, 11:01pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh did he. Evidently he really does not value my hide. Pity. Since clearly the idiot's out of the bag I might as well.
1 Jul 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** to tell me what they are
1 Jul 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** says theres orders concerning me
28 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** know
28 Jun 15, 3:54am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Or would. If I could.
28 Jun 15, 3:54am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I look forward to it.
28 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** smile
28 Jun 15, 3:51am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You already took the other one.
28 Jun 15, 3:51am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Going to take up my whole good hand are you?
28 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** going to hold my hand real tight
28 Jun 15, 3:49am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
There is a certain tension between Horace and myself at present anyway.
28 Jun 15, 3:49am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You are entirely welcome to missy.
28 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** going to stay in your room
26 Jun 15, 11:10pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
All right.
26 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** cave
26 Jun 15, 9:39pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
When and where?
26 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** your void
26 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** want to know more
26 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** talk to me
26 Jun 15, 6:30am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh excellent, and here I was just going to go to the quartermaster, I should get you something in return.
26 Jun 15, 6:30am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
He would, he'd make me destroy them to prove how I am no longer hung up on you.
26 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** you a new lamp
26 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** probably try to steal them too
26 Jun 15, 6:02am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And I did keep the shoes but it was simply tedious to inform Horace that that was the case. He seems happier not knowing.
26 Jun 15, 6:01am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You seem very alone right now.
17 Jun 15, 12:02pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I see. Unfortunate.
17 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** cause youre not cute and kind of an a*****e even when you arent all psycho hun
17 Jun 15, 3:16am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
If I did the same people would assume the opposite, even if I was not in whatever state of mind is normal for me.
17 Jun 15, 3:15am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
That was the point in that statement. I should have put it in quotation marks. It would have been said in the tone of other people's voice.
17 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** i was in my right mind
17 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** you just now
17 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** Jun 15, 2:52am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And so many so eager to call it a mistake, an excecution, to waive it away because of who you are.
17 Jun 15, 2:51am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And regardless, I sincerely doubt you murdered in your right mind, I bet there were so many softening excuses.
17 Jun 15, 2:51am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
If not even so much as a cell changes, why should one be marked with a residue which is entirely imaginary.
17 Jun 15, 2:50am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I completely discount labels like murderer, one carries nothing away from a death, I remain entirely the same as I was before.
17 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** as much a murderer as anyone
17 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** killed folks you know
17 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** is dead
17 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** dont
17 Jun 15, 2:47am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I did not think you would buy those lies people tell themselves to justify when their actions shadow those they call monsters.
17 Jun 15, 2:46am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
The concepts are one and the same, the only difference is the perspective of the one directing the firing line.
17 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** get executed
17 Jun 15, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** men dont get murdered hun

Horace

Jan @Ispeakfeline
I am.
More options
Monday, 4:47pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I thought you were doing grief counseling

Melvin

Jan @Ispeakfeline
Yes sad I agree, people have become rather brutal and harsh of late, I do not quite understand why.
Monday, 4:09pm
SciFiScientific's avatar
Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Twitter was more enjoyable when people were friendlier. sad
Monday, 3:59pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Exactly, they will eat their cruel words.
Monday, 3:59pm
SciFiScientific's avatar
Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
They will regret it when she returns.
Monday, 3:58pm
SciFiScientific's avatar
Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
She always felt bad about feeling like that.
Monday, 3:58pm
SciFiScientific's avatar
Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
I don't want to drag her into it. It's not like anyone cares about her or ever did.
Monday, 3:57pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
They simply want their circus.
Monday, 3:57pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Yes, no one understands at all.
Monday, 3:55pm
SciFiScientific's avatar
Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
On Twitter
Monday, 3:55pm
SciFiScientific's avatar
Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
I do not like her being brought up. Rep already shouted at me before and he was my best friend. I know it won't work well if I talk about it
Monday, 3:50pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
- being a favourite of H. It is best that we deny any of this nonsense, for Rin's protection.
Monday, 3:50pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Of course you know as well as I that Rin is not some sham. It is unfortunate that Chantelle found out about it. Presumably from her -
Thursday, 10:42am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I try not to think about it too much.
Thursday, 3:57am
SciFiScientific's avatar
Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Curious, how old are you?

America
@IspeakfelineReply
7:02am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Humanity seems directly proportional to how extremely one feels emotions. Dawson likes to think he is an arbiter on the matter.
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** not
Monday, 11:41pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
But I am not a person evidently. So I don't count ;D
Monday, 11:40pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I am not.
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** like for one less person in the world to not be worse off for knowing me
Monday, 11:40pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I need a reason. You are that reason against my choice and logic. And at the very least, she was attainable.
Monday, 11:39pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not wish to cease again, though no doubt that would please you. Cutting my strings, a victory of sorts.
Monday, 11:39pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
That makes it sound less important than it is.
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** certainty was a comforting lie
Monday, 11:36pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
This mess has clouded my certainty.
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** treasure it get just as dirty and messy on the inside as everyone else
Monday, 11:36pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not even know what I want any longer.
Monday, 11:35pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
There are no alternatives, I am not about to sacrifice myself in some grand gesture reaching for noble humanity.
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** feel want
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** need to either be an empty ******** or get over thinking its superior
Monday, 11:35pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Stopping is not an option.
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** it doesnt ******** work lawrence
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** whats missing with reflections all backwards and unable to change unless what's outside does too
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** looking outside to reflect in
Monday, 11:33pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
For a moment, I felt like I had found something of stability again. Delusional.
Monday, 11:32pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
No amount of literature, no amount of mimicry answers what living is. Survival is easy, I am rather good at that. Beyond that there is nothing.
Monday, 11:32pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Hah, you do sound like her, she made that sound so simple.
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** the rest from there
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** was all she wanted
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** survived
Monday, 11:30pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I am glad you are here regardless. Even if it will not be so simple to alleviate the restlessness I will simply find a way.
Monday, 11:29pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And I doubt I will be able to fulfil the others.
Monday, 11:29pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I tried to do as she asked, I could not even manage that much amusingly.
Monday, 11:28pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
The fact she could fear anything was enviable.
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** of you
Monday, 11:27pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Because she approached me differently. She was not /afraid/.
Monday, 11:26pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I regret that she had to end for you to continue I think.
Monday, 11:25pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not regret what happened.
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** maybe this once im sorry it was me for your sake as well
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** normally i wish it wasnt me cause it turned into hurting me and people i care about
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** told horace that it coulda been anyone you got fixed on
Monday, 5:46pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
If I killed you, I suspect I would become as fixated on the void where you once were as I am upon you.
Monday, 5:45pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Because her leaving has left something in me, something alien and desperate. It is quaint. I know how to want.
Monday, 5:44pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I know it is not the solution any more.
Monday, 5:44pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
No.
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** dont think its the solution anymore
Monday, 11:53am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You are like money.
Monday, 11:52am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
But if getting rid of you was the solution to everything, I would have done it. I would not have tried to save the other you.
Monday, 11:25am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I am able to be normal while you are around also. Just not when you are away from me. It is.. distacting
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** i was gone
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** you met me
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** managed to be normal right
Monday, 10:07am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
She gave me a safe place too in a way. You blight me mercilessly just by existing and you do not relent.
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** for giving her a safe place
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** what its worth
Monday, 7:45am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
At least I got one of you back. I cannot be too ungrateful.
Monday, 7:44am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
That does not make it easier. If anything it is worse. There is a space in the world where grief SHOULD be.
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** yeah youre right
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** chose
Monday, 7:39am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I presume the one that hates me.
Monday, 7:31am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Which of you prevailed?
Monday, 7:30am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
oh.
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** i guess yes and no
Monday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** two of us couldnt coexist
Monday, 7:21am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Are you all right?


Dawson

Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
i told her she was people not human
we aint even human
get it right n have some kinda damn monday
Monday, 11:23pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Have a pleasant day.
Monday, 11:23pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I might well be a similar sort of creature to her, but I will not entertain your superiority.
Monday, 11:23pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I will not be debating the merits of prounouns with you Dawson. You made her feel small already.
Monday, 11:22pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And you say I am arrogant.
Monday, 11:22pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
if u think only humans get the person pronoun in this sorta supernatural s**t u got a smaller mind than i thought
Monday, 11:22pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Than many born humans can hope for. Instead you have to cheapen it by having her be an almost human. Almost as good as you.
Monday, 11:21pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Because it would be so incredible to simply value her as what she was, to give her credit as an object which attained more sentience.
Monday, 11:21pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Yes, conform her even in death to your human frameworks of identity.
Monday, 11:20pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
whatever
u wanna make me a judas devil bible s**t go ahead mr god
Monday, 11:20pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
someONE
Monday, 11:19pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Did not need to be.
Monday, 11:19pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I don't care Dawson, I am almost incapable of it. I simply get irate when something of mine is taken, particularly something which.
Monday, 11:16pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
apparently the only one whose gonna care is me so why the ******** do u care then
Monday, 11:16pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
When to begin with, she had none.
Monday, 11:16pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You were the serpent that fed her that apple, you showed her her shame.
Monday, 11:15pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Look where her nobility got her. Dead. Remembered by almost no one.
Monday, 11:15pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
get get her own ******** memorysp
Monday, 11:15pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You led her to the cliff and told her it was noble to jump.
Monday, 11:15pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
she didnt want to b america she wanted to b her own person
Monday, 11:13pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
SHE CHOSE TO HELP SHE WAS STRONGER
Monday, 11:12pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
O SIDNT DUKINGG ACT NXOTHING BETTER I WAS JUST ME
Monday, 11:12pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Fantastically cruel of you.
Monday, 11:11pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Cruel of you.
Monday, 11:11pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Because it wasn't acceptable for her to own the name she had, to be nameless. You made her conform, to aspire.
Monday, 11:11pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh you made her choose a name.
Monday, 11:10pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You made her your martyr, you should start a religion.
Monday, 11:10pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
SHENPIECKED HER OWN DAMN NAME AND EVERYRHING
Monday, 11:10pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You just need to always act better than someone to crush them under your heel, it's the oldest trick in the book.
Monday, 11:10pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
I OWOULDNT LET HER THINK THAT
Monday, 11:10pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You didn't have to.
Monday, 11:08pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
how the ******** NEVER TOLD HER SHE WAS WRKNG
Monday, 11:07pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
As it is, I don't care, it happened and she's gone and you will likely feel it more than I ever could.
Monday, 11:06pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
If I was able, I would be angry about that, I think.
Monday, 11:06pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
She felt she was wrong compared to you, and you were there, you were there and you let her think that.
Monday, 11:06pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
She implied you were the "right people" you know. She said the right choice was the one that kept the right people alive.
Monday, 11:05pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
i said she was ******** people thats it not some vullshit like that she ******** thought she was an object i just wants to show her sh
Monday, 11:04pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You made her feel unworthy. She wanted to impress you I bet.
Monday, 11:04pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh sometimes it isn't so much the things you say as the things you make people think they thought of themselves.
Monday, 11:02pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
i didnt tell her to go ******** die you p***k i never said u kno what would rly make them think u good ******** ending urself ******** that
Monday, 11:01pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I was fine with her how she was, I bet you tried to give her /ambition/. You should take up work as a con artist, you would likely do rather well.
Monday, 11:00pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I would bet that you killed her more than anyone else. Well done.
Monday, 11:00pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It was likely thanks to your baiting her with ideas of humanity and sacrifice that she did it.
Monday, 11:00pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It didn't.
Monday, 10:55pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
maybe u cant
i did. i appreciated every god damn moment even tho i wish it didnt have to happen
Monday, 10:54pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
We cannot appreciate its effects therefore it is meaningless. It is the definition of meaningless. It is a cessation.
Monday, 10:53pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Dying is absolutely meaningless.
Monday, 10:51pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
death aint better or more honkrable than life but dying dont gotta b meaningless eithr
Monday, 10:49pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
She said there would be. I would argue there is less now than before she left.
Monday, 10:49pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
thats what i choose to believe
Monday, 10:48pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
theres hope
Monday, 10:48pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
idk if there were more
Monday, 10:47pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
i met the other one too
Monday, 10:46pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps there still are.
Monday, 10:45pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And there were other clones who were like people.
Monday, 10:45pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
As far as I am concerned, if it barks like a dog, it is a dog. That has been my life's philosophy.
Monday, 10:45pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
maybe theres hope yet
Monday, 10:44pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
all i know is if one can decide to go against the bad guys
Monday, 10:44pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
idfk what they made of or how it all stsrted
Monday, 10:44pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
clone s**t above my paygrade
Monday, 10:42pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
What are the chances for the other clones? For anyone.
Monday, 10:42pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And now all that remains is the implication that if she could not attain general humanity in the eyes of anyone but you.
Monday, 10:41pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I did not want her to die. She died anyway.
Monday, 10:41pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
So to debate the intrinsic "humanity" of her clone is rather amusing. Most of the island would have killed her. Horace wanted to.
Monday, 10:40pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I find the concept of humanity vaguely offensive as it is something readily withheld from me by others. By America even.
Monday, 10:40pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I am not trying to emotionally wound you if that is what you are saying. I do not possess much of a barometer on what offends.
Monday, 10:39pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
tired a sahit n this hurts enough to talk about
Monday, 10:39pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
This is simply the way I speak. It is not sass. Do you mean cut the honesty?
Monday, 10:37pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @******** cut the sass this time
Monday, 10:37pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
dude just
Monday, 10:36pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
But I am hardly in a position to be handing out merit awards of humanity the way you are.
Monday, 10:35pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
She simply was.
Monday, 10:35pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I didn't care what she was.
Monday, 10:34pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
When there is only one voice telling someone they are human, I cannot blame them for logically deducing they are not.
Monday, 10:33pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
idk if she ever believed me
Monday, 10:32pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
not a thing not a thinf not a thing but a person
Monday, 10:32pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
i kept telln her
Monday, 10:32pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
i told her
Monday, 10:31pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not. There is no comfort in what she did, only the surety that the America that takes her place will be forever distant.
Monday, 10:30pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You likely buy all that nonsense about sacrifice, about value being found in death, about honour and humility.
Monday, 10:30pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Or no, in fact I'm not surprised you let her.
Monday, 10:29pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And I am suprised you let her.
Monday, 10:29pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It galls me to think she did what she did for people she perceived as better.
Monday, 10:29pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
She had human memories, she remembered what it felt like to be a human, to feel.
Monday, 10:28pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
she struggled god damn hard but she was therr
Monday, 10:28pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
she chose to help me pull ppl from the wreck
Monday, 10:28pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
in all that black crystal merlin made her with, there was blue stuff
Monday, 10:28pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
but u know what i saw before she left?
Monday, 10:27pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
That is Taym's party line.
Monday, 10:27pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
always just servn some other big bad, doing bad s**t like torture
Monday, 10:27pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It is probably fortunate I was not. I have a knack for ill luck.
Monday, 10:27pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
n u know all clones up to now aint been any good at all not the ones i always hear about
Monday, 10:26pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
i was there when she went back to meri
Monday, 10:25pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
but i think i know why im rly doin this
Monday, 10:25pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
ima beg to differ there much as it hurt to admit
Monday, 10:24pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps it did, but that is not a particularly difficult task.
Monday, 10:22pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
p sure her bein able to kick ur a** proby factored too
Monday, 10:21pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
She understood everything, and stayed. No one else ever has.
Monday, 10:21pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
if u notice the dif then it means it mattered
Monday, 10:20pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
But if seeing the edges and recognising the changes in daily life is missing then yes. I do.
Monday, 10:20pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I did not think I was capable of missing a thing, I presumed that took some manner of comprehension I lack.
Monday, 10:20pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
n i gotta talk to someone about it
Monday, 10:19pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
but this i actually understand
Monday, 10:19pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
s**t u done? yea its ******** insane n this dont negate it
Monday, 10:18pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
u pitn it in dif words but id say yeah u miss her
Monday, 10:18pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I suppose you only like your monsters when they are pretty little redheads. Can't say I blame you.
Monday, 10:17pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Not that you would understand or care, there's that whole thinking I am some inhuman monster thing remember?
Monday, 10:17pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And its implications are concerning.
Monday, 10:16pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I see the void of where she was.
Monday, 10:15pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
canttslk to anyone else about it neither
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
i wouldnt akout this
Monday, 10:13pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Because I would frankly rather not at this moment in time.
Monday, 10:13pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
no
Monday, 10:13pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh is this one of those make fun of Lawrence things you do.
Monday, 10:12pm
theshaggydawg's avatar
Dawson Grace @theshaggydawg
do u miss her

Horace
@IspeakfelineReply
7:06am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Rather badly, he was stabbed and something happened to his weapon, I am not sure what.
Monday, 11:27pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
How bad is Melvin hurt?
10 Aug 15, 11:51pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Did you leave?
9 Aug 15, 10:09pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Yes, I could have misconstrued it as you caring about my eventual fate.
9 Aug 15, 10:06pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I shouldn't have.
9 Aug 15, 10:05pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Very well. Though I'm curious why you bothered,
9 Aug 15, 10:00pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Then there is no problem.
9 Aug 15, 10:00pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Regardless of your adivce, I'm actually still not going to be back on the island. All my reporting is done through Belgium.
9 Aug 15, 9:59pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Jan, you have broken my trust in so many ways - it is not something that fixes itself. Even if I might still harbor feelings for you.
9 Aug 15, 9:57pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Do as you will.
9 Aug 15, 9:57pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Just ok. Ok that you think that. Okay that you do not trust what I have to say.
9 Aug 15, 9:56pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Ok what?
9 Aug 15, 9:54pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Ok
9 Aug 15, 9:54pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
If you don't know what's happening, did someone tell you to stay off the island or something?
9 Aug 15, 9:53pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
It remains to be seen whether your advice is good or not. In general, I think it's been about 50/50.
9 Aug 15, 9:49pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not actually know but I do not question good advice.
9 Aug 15, 9:45pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Why - what's going on?
9 Aug 15, 9:29pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
If you were intending on returning to base for reporting purposes or something of that nature, I advise you do not. Be glad you are away.
28 Jul 15, 5:51pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Yes ok.
28 Jul 15, 5:50pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Melvin is still my friend, Jan. That is outside of anything involving you or I.
28 Jul 15, 5:50pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Nothing is any of your business any longer Horace.
28 Jul 15, 5:49pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
It is not, especially if you are continuing to channel.
28 Jul 15, 5:33pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It is no different.
28 Jul 15, 5:32pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
It's different now, though, than it was off island. The dead exist as a separate entity.
28 Jul 15, 5:31pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
My methods are my methods.
28 Jul 15, 5:30pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I didn't think you were still doing the channeling portion
More options

Horace

Jan @Ispeakfeline
Those things are all so very pointless.
Wednesday, 11:59pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
That's not what I meant and you know that. Humanity or the lack thereof does not mean you're not expected to learn from things or to obey laws or codes of decency.
Wednesday, 10:21pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Are you going to tell me everything I do is inexcusable because I am not human enough?
Wednesday, 10:20pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You sound like Taym and America
Wednesday, 10:16pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I don't understand, mostly, and I don't think anything can excuse the things you've done or said, but it must be difficult for you.
Wednesday, 6:42pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not have simple quantifiable answers to those questions. I told you there are not name tags.
Wednesday, 6:39pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Who are you with Melvin?
Wednesday, 6:39pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Who were you when you were with me?
Wednesday, 6:29pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Yes. I do, though some things are skewed in ways.
Wednesday, 6:24pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
But regardless of you being different, you remember all things?
Wednesday, 6:17pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It is how I function within the world.
Wednesday, 6:17pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I don't know. It is not clear cut, there are not name badges. I do not understand it any more than I understand emotion.
Wednesday, 6:13pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
- I still want to know things about you.
Wednesday, 6:13pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Who are you most of the time - or I dunno, can I ask how many of you there are? I'm sorry I'm asking a lot of questions, but -
Wednesday, 6:09pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not feel anything, if there was ever a main then it is gone and/or blurred.
Wednesday, 6:08pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Do you feel like there is a main?
Wednesday, 5:59pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not know if there ever was an original.
Wednesday, 5:59pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
If we are talking of multiple yous, is there one who is the... uh, I don't know the word - base or original?
Wednesday, 5:58pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not know what I have.
Wednesday, 5:58pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
How...like do you have dissociative identity disorder?
Wednesday, 5:45pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Though beyond that I cannot explain.
Wednesday, 5:45pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
You might even have met some and never known it.
Wednesday, 5:45pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
In a sense. Yes.
Wednesday, 5:41pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I'm just not sure how it wasn't you, though I'd like to understand
Wednesday, 5:36pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Are there... different yous?
Wednesday, 5:25pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps you will have to deal with what you presently know without supplementary knowledge beyond the fact that I did not believe it was necissarily me, me being Jan who was with Melvin in the beginning. If you do not choose to believe this then I will not blame you for that.
Wednesday, 5:23pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Thinking on it I am not even sure how I would begin explaining what I do not understand.
Wednesday, 5:02pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I shall put on my listening hat.
Wednesday, 2:05pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Well I will try when my duties are over.
Wednesday, 12:28pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Well, you wouldn't know if I believed or not unless you told me
Wednesday, 12:25pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I doubt you would believe me. The truth is more fantastical than the lies half the time
Wednesday, 12:20pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You could try me
Wednesday, 12:02pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not think you will have the patience to hear it.
Wednesday, 12:02pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
It was emotional bonding with the channeled Rin, it wasn't me really. It is a complicated issue.
Wednesday, 12:01pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
That is a crass way to put it Horace.
Wednesday, 11:53am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
o k neutral
Wednesday, 11:53am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
His therapy is ********, 11:52am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
We did talk about exclusivity then
Wednesday, 11:48am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
And he isn't America so there's that. I was always holding out for some group therapy but alas.
Wednesday, 11:45am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
We never did talk about exclusivity did we? I remember that little mishap with that other young man you had.
Wednesday, 11:42am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Oh that was part of his therapy
Wednesday, 10:39am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
its been going on for far longer than that
Wednesday, 6:55am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Well you left.
Wednesday, 2:53am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
So you and Melvin are ********, huh?
Friday, 7:47pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Thank you smile
Friday, 6:53pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I will look.
Friday, 5:50pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Since you work in the infirmary, can you check if Oliver is in there?
Friday, 5:35pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I am listening.
Friday, 5:34pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
You don't have to, but can you do me a favor?
18 Aug 15, 4:35pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Seems like a running theme of my life.
18 Aug 15, 4:34pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
He says he's a very bad dog.
18 Aug 15, 12:31pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Too bad Butch can't grow you a new one.
18 Aug 15, 12:14pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
That was a joke.
18 Aug 15, 12:14pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Though I am missing a hand.
18 Aug 15, 12:14pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
No, I am perfectly fine.
18 Aug 15, 12:06pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
I mean, your injuries aren't serious are they?
18 Aug 15, 12:06pm
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
The lighthouse exploded too? Damn
18 Aug 15, 11:37am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I fell off of a cliff into the ocean when the lighthouse exploded but other than that fine.
18 Aug 15, 10:50am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Not hurt?
18 Aug 15, 10:07am
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
Yes. I am reasonable.
18 Aug 15, 10:05am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Are you alright
18 Aug 15, 9:46am
nokoni_island's avatar
Horace @nokoni_island
Stabbed? How?! I thought things blew up

America
Jan @Ispeakfeline
But I do not feel like I change, though I suppose you would not, if you changed organically.
Saturday, 10:23pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do not think so? I learn what works and does not, I adapt with more awareness of what is worth trying again.
Saturday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** the inside bits
Saturday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** you change
Saturday, 9:55pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I would have preferred the original continuity, the place where I was convincingly human with Maja continued, but it did not so I would not say I grieved it.
Saturday, 9:52pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I find it difficult. For me each moment is a singular entity, I might resist change if it takes my satisfaction and general wellbeing in a negative direction but when things change regardless I simply continue to exist on the new state, the new chapter of my existence. I do not look back a great deal and I cannot entirely long for what is gone.
Saturday, 9:50pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
So you say about a great number of things.
Saturday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** vs without
Saturday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** not complicated
Saturday, 9:47pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I do wonder what it feels like sometimes. Looking backwards. I only look backwards as a point of reference for the present.
Saturday, ******** avatar
AMERICA JONES @******** guess i do then
Friday, 6:54pm
Ispeakfeline's avatar
Jan @Ispeakfeline
I mean the sentimental fixation on that which is gone.