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 Posted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 8:52 pm
He tried not to let it show that he was relieved at this quick answer, that she had not said something to the contrary, that she had actually acknowledged that she would miss him if he were gone. That someone different would notice if he were to disappear.
He kept moving his thumb along the ring on his finger, the gesture almost automatic, soothing, somehow keeping him stabilized, keeping him grounded in this world, in this moment.
"We did, didn't we," he said quietly, and gave a little laugh that was almost half something else, his chest feeling unusually tight. His expression flickered. He looked down again.
"Yes I did," said Gale quietly. "It's not a question of obligation. You needed help, and I wanted to help."
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Posted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 9:29 pm
"This isn't either," she found herself saying without thinking. "N-Not me talking out of obligation or anything, I mean. I don't--I don't always say things right or clearly, but I say what I mean." The more she watched him thumb the ring, the more Stormy noticed his hand was still atop hers from minutes before, and the less she wanted to move hers. But everything was growing tight and tense and the burning in her throat threatened to invade her eyes if she didn't so something quick; so she hazarded a breath and exhaled slowly, still able to acutely feel her heart beat in her ears for a reason she didn't have a name for.
"M'doing it again, aren't I. That . . . thing." She would have gestured around them to indicated the atmosphere, but Gale's hand was a wanted pressure in a situation that felt like there was electricity in the air. "The thing was awkwardness before, and now I've gone and added super seriousness too," she said, the troubled look back. "I'm always doing that to you, and I asked you to come, and all I have are these stupid personal questions, and . . . that's not fair either." She lifted her gaze to his bandages, still not able to look him in the eye. "You can go if you want, you know. This isn't an obligation either, and I-I'm probably making you uncomfortable again."
But in her mind she chanted, Pleasestay, pleasestay, pleasestay.
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Posted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 6:38 am
His hand was still on hers and now he wasn't sure if he should move it or not. Neither one of them was really in their best state of mind; after all, they'd just returned from a mission where they were shot at, beaten, stabbed, cut, and bled until they managed to get away. And Stormy had had her arm broken.
How much further will we have to go before it's more than just our arms or our legs that are broken? Gale thought.
How many more people will I have to watch suffer?
"No," he said, and the word sounded harsh in the quiet intensity of the room, blatant and bold. He turned his head, his eyes searching for Stormy's, though she wasn't looking at him. "No, you're not doing anything wrong."
His hand shifted, his fingers moving, sliding until they were entwined with hers, gentle and uncertain and trembling slightly.
Then he leaned forward and kissed her cheek because his body felt like it was moving on its own and he wasn't entirely certain what had possessed him to do it in the first place, considering the only two people he had ever shown any sort of physical affection for at all were Eva and Candace.
He did not understand the tenseness in the air.
"I'm not going anywhere," said Gale quietly, and his cheeks were lightly pink as he pressed his lips together uncertainly, his chest feeling tight.
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Posted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 11:17 am
The word scared her for a moment with its tone, as loud as a gunshot when they had been so quiet before. Everything suddenly felt frightening in fact, from her drumming heartbeat to his burning gaze, and she must have looked like she was five again, swearing there had been shadows in the closet and under her bed, ready to cry by the time someone bigger and better came along. But that feeling was different. This was different.
Thane did nothing to offer her aid. These were fears she should have conquered long ago.
When she struggled to understand how their hands had become intertwined, however, he bristled at the insinuation. And when Gale dared to stamp his own mark on her cheek, Thane began to grow territorial in response; their exchanges had gone on without comment because even a pet needed entertainment, but his boldness told the dracolich it had gone on long enough. Stormy's own ring flared purple for a split second and she was filled with a startling amount of disapproval. This was not part of his plan, and he bore down on his wielder with the full weight of his opinion--a weapon that cut deeper than anything she had felt before.
So when she tried to navigate her own thought process, tried to understand why Gale did that, he was there at every turn: a skeletal face with an ugly snarl reminding her why she kept her distance, why she shouldn't bother reaching out to someone else, and how doing so to this degree only meant danger because her luck was s**t. Hadn't these last missions proved that? Did he have to dredge up old memories to make his point more obvious? Her thoughts were jumbled because he refused to help clarify, and in fact purposefully he scrambled them, filling her head with the white noise of bones clattering and the image of bared teeth that reminded her of when that beast had attacked with its fetid breath--
After seconds and seconds of looking stunned, a sharp gasp escaped her--the beginnings of a sob she tried to hold in even as she too began to tremble. "O-Ok-kay," Stormy half whispered, half whimpered, daring to meet Gale's gaze only through the blur of tears and daring to do so only briefly before she shut her eyes closed and let them fall. Her throat continued to ache from the flood held back, but she dared to squeeze his hand tight even at the expense of another growl in her head. "That's-s okay too."
But I am doing everything wrong.
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Posted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 5:58 pm
He worried that he had scared her, made her anxious, made her feel uncomfortable. With Stormy, nothing was ever rushed, or pushed, because she felt somehow fragile to him - perhaps because she was still somewhat new, perhaps because he had already been through too much and he didn't want to see anyone else go through the same things.
<< I think it may be too late for that. >> said Jinhai softly inside of Gale's head.
I know, Gale thought, and closed his eyes briefly. I know it is.
I already know how far down we've all come.
When he opened his eyes again, Stormy was looking at him with a wide-eyed, petrified expression, inhaling sharply, and her eyes were bright, too bright, and then she was crying and no, this wasn't supposed to be happening, he couldn't handle that.
His chest ached. Hesitantly, Gale reached forward with his other hand, leaning close to the bed, and he pulled her into a half sort of hug, gentle and not pressing too hard, holding her face against his shoulder. He wasn't sure whether she would push him away or not, but he wrapped his arm around her trembling frame and held her close, trying to make her feel safe.
I don't know if that's even possible anymore.
There is no such thing as safety in this world.
He didn't say anything, because nothing was adequate. "It'll be all right" was trite and meaningless, because neither of them knew whether they would be all right. "It's okay" was overused and entirely dishonest. Anything else would sound arrogant.
So instead he just held her silently and let her cry because maybe it was what she needed.
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Posted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 6:25 pm
She was equally relieved and bitter Gale did as much, because as much as it was the right thing to do, Stormy hadn't wanted it to get like this. It was supposed to be a small conversation about the mission and then . . . whatever it was that led normal chatter. The weather, training, something. She still owed him a few stories of her old life, and maybe he'd divulge a few of his own. Why, she should have asked after his specialty: how it was going, if he had new leads, if he had seen other sympathetic students like Mei-Xiu around. That would have been interesting and, most of all, polite.
Crying into his shoulder was not. Thane didn't even have to chime in on this one, she already knew it was the worst thing to do. But it had been building and building in the back of her mind ever since she first died and that smiling figure in the fog took her, building since the external missions where she'd brought down the gas and the abominations, since her second death in that Silver Tower, her third in the Sahara, and--and that last one was just . . . Everything in her mind pointed to death as it always did when she was at her lowest. It liked following her after all, from her old life to this new one, from Thane's undead species to being embraced by one from the division. Just death and death and more death.
So Stormy quietly sobbed into him, shaking stifling her gasps to be as quiet as possible, because while she had to cry, she didn't have to make more of a scene. It ached her more that she couldn't use both hands to hold him than the actual pain of her broken one did, but she tried to make for it with the sweet ache of a white-knuckled grip in his hand. Maybe if she did it hard enough, it'd communicate to him better than any word she'd try that day.
At length, she subsided into a sullen calm broken by sniffles and the occasional whimper. But she kept her face buried in his shoulder, only turning her head just a bit to speak. "I-I was getting b-better," Stormy mumbled, back to the neutral tone even if it was still watery. "I was, I thought I-I was. I didn't want t'come back t-to this."
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Posted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 6:42 pm
He was used to the breaking down part, but not the crying. The crying was disconcerting, unpleasant; it made his heart ache inside of his chest because he knew that the last time he had let himself break down this way was when Bix had "died."
And there was no getting used to that sort of pain.
She felt small under his arm, and the sobs that wracked her body were strong, but Gale held on, still saying nothing at all, feeling her fingers grip his tightly, as though she were trying to anchor herself to something, anything at all, and maybe that was what he wanted to feel as well - something steady, something familiar, something solid.
Something to hold onto.
It was a while before her sobs subsided enough that she was no longer shaking, and Gale could hear a muffled voice as she turned her head. He pressed his face into her hair as he turned his own to hear her better, and the hand that was on her shoulder lifted, moved to rest gently on the back of her head.
"It's not a bad thing," he said quietly, and it was the truth, even if it didn't feel like it. "There is no 'better,' Stormy. You don't need to get 'better' because there's nothing wrong with you. A helluva lot is wrong with this world, but showing emotion does not mean that there is something wrong."
He felt as though his words were messy, even to his own ears. Gale gave a small, frustrated sigh.
"If anything, I need to get better at this comforting business," he mumbled, his cheeks turning pink.
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Posted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 7:12 pm
"That's not..." What I meant. In a way it was, but expressing emotion was a symptom, not the source. A manifestation, a tell, a tic--but not the problem itself.
< < It is a disease. > >
She didn't have the strength to argue, only the strength to clutch at Gale and to divert herself away from the true problem before she sank further. Crying didn't make her feel better, not really; it would later, but for now it was tempting the flood of what she had yet to get a grip of. What Stormy wanted to say was There is something wrong with me.
Instead, it was, "You did f-fine." It was halfhearted not because it was false but because Stormy was drained. Her grip on his hand loosened, but not completely, and she ran a thumb apologetically over his fingers. "Been here a while. Probably had t-t'do similar stuff like this . . ." In her calmed state, Stormy could still feel lingering tension in her chest from being this close, the uncertainty of whether to linger or to indulge herself in that warmth nagging away at her. But he hadn't moved; that made her answer for her.
She turned her head the other way, facing his neck this time as she sniffled. "Sorry," she mumbled, for lack of something to say after what had probably been a confusing turn of conversation.
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Posted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 7:29 pm
He was probably making things worse by actually talking. Not saying anything had seemed to work out better, and Gale made a soft noise of frustration at his severe lack of people skills.
And people wonder why I am the way I am, he thought, his cheeks still pink. They wonder why I choose not to get close to people, why I keep myself so serious all the time.
Because I don't know how to make things right.
He gave a short laugh, half amused, half frustrated, and said, "No, I didn't, but thank you for saying that anyway."
Stormy's voice was tired, and he could feel her fingers loosening around his own. He probably shouldn't have made her feel so stressed out when they had just gotten back from the disastrous hell that was their mission with Jake, but being alone was worse.
Being alone meant his thoughts were going five thousand miles a second with no way to distract, no way to settle.
Gale leaned back a little, his hand moving from the back of Stormy's head to her cheek, his thumb brushing under her eye to wipe away a few lingering tears. "Don't apologize," he said quietly. "There's nothing to apologize for."
There was a moment in which he just looked at her, at her tear-stained face, and whatever words he had been going to say slipped away, the air between them thick, tense, and his brain seemed to not work properly the way it should have. Hesitantly, he leaned forward almost automatically, like he had before, like his body was moving on its own, stopping once, moving forward again, and stopping once more.
And then he gave in, leaned in all the way, and kissed her.
It was quick; no more than a simple brush of his lips against hers, and he pulled away with a startled look on his face, instantly on guard, sucking in a sharp breath.
"...sorry," he said. "I'm sorry."
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Posted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 8:14 pm
There was everything to apologize for. For being useless on missions except fodder, for being a cry baby, for being at such a disconnect with herself that she didn't feel that light brush against her lips until a second after it happened. That it wasn't happening to her, just somebody else. Like a movie.
For a moment she didn't breathe and forgot to blink, and the sound of her heartbeat came back, rising in her ears and her chest and even thumping loudly in her broken arm until she was sure it would burst out, and she stared at Gale, stared and stared and stared until it doubled back and she could practically see herself: sweaty, stunned, tired, tear-stained, and unable to think clearly. Stormy turned guarded herself as she scrambled to come up with a response, because silence was rude, silence didn't help the tension--
Thane made his threat clear once more, and she cowered. Her extremities were growing cold.
Both of her cheeks were colored by the time she remembered how to blink, her eyes stinging. "I-I . . ." She didn't remember what she was trying to say; her brows knitted as she gave him a helpless look. Her mind was racing a mile a minute as if to challenge her heartbeat, and half of them were running through scenarios long-past. But there was one thing they shared: she wasn't ready to answer right now. Not like this. Not while she was still recovering and the air was thick enough to cut with a knife.
With a deliberate motion she wiped her hand on the sheets and laid over his. Slowly she took a breath and exhaled, shaking a bit. "Can I ask you something?" she asked in a meager voice.
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Posted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 8:29 pm
Everything was so messed up, both in his head and in the life that stretched out in front of him, thick and confusing and so twisted it would be impossible to lay it clear anymore. Gale had watched as first Marcus had found Cass, then again as Bix had found Ceres, as Candace had flirted with the men she found attractive -
- as Eva had found Otto. It was all so easy for them, wasn't it? To find another human being that you could connect with, to find someone to share your worries with, your frustrations, your discordant and messy thoughts. And maybe that was why he had offered himself up in front of the Horsemen, why, when Stormy had asked, Gale had thought that no one would notice if he should disappear.
Because it was never easy anymore.
The silence stretched between them, thick and heavy, and Gale was beginning to regret what he had done, because even he was not entirely certain of his own thoughts, and he could see the look of stunned panic on Stormy's face, could see that he had made her feel uncomfortable.
"...I'm sorry," he said again, this time in a much softer tone of voice, and there was a tired look in his eyes, on his face. "I shouldn't have done that."
He felt fingers on his, which surprised him. Gale's eyes flickered towards her hand over his own briefly before looking back up at her.
"Yes, of course," he said quietly. "What is it?"
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Posted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 8:58 pm
She didn't comment on his apology because at this moment she didn't know where she stood on the matter. Or if she was really standing at all and not just blindly fumbling around with him. They both could say their sorries and make peace with them.
Stormy swallowed and felt it sit in her throat like a lump. "C-Can it wait?"That sounded worse than she meant, and a panicked look went across her features as she stumbled over herself to correct it, pulling away from Gale so she could view him proper and sit up. "I-I mean...I'm not in my right mind right now," she explained in a stronger voice. "I need to recover, and I need to get ready for my promotion, train, sleep for it...I, um, sent the request a little before the last mission." Maybe she should have mentioned that before.
Idly, she curled her hand as if to bundle his up inside, and then relaxed again, sapping his warmth so that her fingers didn't feel so numb. "After that, when my head's not twenty places at once...Can we try--talk again?" Stormy asked hesitantly, afraid still that she would do something wrong.
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Posted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 9:10 pm
Her voice was small, hardly above a whisper, and Gale had to incline his head slightly to hear her. And at first, the words stung, probably more than he knew she meant them to, and probably because he wasn't even entirely certain where his own thoughts on the matter (whatever the matter was) were at the current moment, Gale stiffening automatically.
But then he saw the look on her face, like a deer in the headlights, and some of the tension eased away from his shoulders, because the honest truth was that right now, at the current moment, neither one of them was in the best state of mind.
And maybe because whatever it was that might happen was not something he wanted to have broken so easily.
Her request was not unreasonable. In fact, it was almost the opposite. Gale listened silently until she was finished, holding his gaze steady with hers. After a moment he felt her hand against his again, and he looked down at them, his expression flickering.
"...would you want to..?" he asked, and lifted his fingers, sliding them through hers again, almost experimentally, as though testing the waters, his eyes moving across their linked fingers briefly before he looked back up at her. And there was a serious look on his face, and in his eyes, and for once he was not flustered; there was no pink to his cheeks this time.
He knew what he was asking was a big thing, but he hadn't quite realized how much he wanted it, wanted something, something he couldn't quite figure out or explain, until the words were out of his mouth. And maybe it wouldn't work, maybe whatever it was that he wanted was not here, but not trying was worse than trying and having things not work out the way he thought.
"After you take some time to yourself," he said quietly, and lifted their linked hands, his palm against hers, fingers entwined together loosely. "Are you willing to give me a chance?"
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Posted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 9:40 pm
His insistence earned him another deer in the headlights look, but this time there was a tinge of hurt in her expression. She'd asked for him to wait, which already she was feeling guilty of--giving an answer, even partially, was not something she could give and feel good about. Stormy had past experience with this only once before, and it had taught her a painful lesson: better to wait and think before giving any commitment.
"No sabes lo que te estás metiendo," she answered him in an almost murmur, almost ready to cry again. This was pressure, pressure she could not handle right now. Not with Thane curled around her mind and the dam ready to burst and her arm throbbing from the rising stress. And it wasn't fair, because Gale looked so serious about it (as he should), and everything in her wanted to say yes because the pressure was up, the signs pointed to it, and their linked hands were too sweet--but an answer now was as good as an answer given while drunk. And she wanted to be more fair to him than that after everything he'd done.
With a shaky breath, she lifted her shoulder to wipe at her cheek some more before returning Gale's gaze with a more serious one of her own. "Please understand: I want to give an answer now, but it isn't . . . it isn't the right time," Stormy tried to explain. "It wouldn't be fair because I can't think right, I'm hurting, a-and I'm nervous, and whole bunch of other things I can't even name, and I-I don't know if I'm any good for anyone really, even at my best..." It was better than saying "I need space" she thought. "So--So if you respect my decision, Gale, and you wait until I'm better, until I'm out of this cast and have a new coat...I promise I'll come back to talk about it with you."
Her hand slid out of his finger by finger until it was just her pinky hanging on.
"I'll talk about everything and anything you want, and I'll give you my answer."
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Posted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 9:55 pm
He felt bad about pressuring her, but at the same time he had spent most of his life watching everyone else around him find other people to hold onto while he remained in the same categories he always had:
"You're sweet, but no."
"You're too young."
"You're just a friend."
"You're a good friend, but no."
His chest felt tight. Gale shoved the discordant thoughts in his head aside, shifting them to the back, away from the part of him that churned with guilt at the sight of the hurt in those eyes of hers. She was right; now was not the time, it couldn't possibly be the time, not with everything that had just happened, not with everything so messy and confusing.
"I do," he answered quietly. "I will respect that decision - and you. You're right; it's too confusing right now, and I think both of us need time to breathe."
His pinky curled around hers, and Gale leaned over pressing his forehead to them for just a moment before he pulled away entirely and stood up, his hand slipping free of hers. He looked down at her, and there was almost a smile on his face.
Almost.
"Get some rest," he said. "I'll come back when you're feeling a bit better."
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