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 Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 4:49 pm
"The hero? Did I say I was a hero? I'm anything but a ******** hero. But what else am I meant to do? You weren't ******** kind with her emotions. I found her ********. Lying in the ******** jungle. Staring at flowers. She hadn't drank ANYTHING." And his anger found it hard to persist, because he'd cut her down first, he'd left her vulnerable to Melvin, he'd set her up for this fall and history was repeating itself and if anything happened to her he was terrified. It would be his mother again, it would be history repeating itself because relationships still baffled him.
"I don't get you. You've let me near you sometimes, but always on your own ******** terms. I don't know what you think, or what you feel but I do know what you do. And you hurt people. You might not ******** mean it, but you do it. You do it to me so why not Rin. You flinch at me, you talk down to me, you say you are my friend and then you treat me like a ******** idiot. She seems tough but she's not always, you can hurt her. When she asks for something from you, she's putting her heart out there man."
He rubbed his temples as Melvin turned it on him. "I ******** up. I hurt her, I'm no saying I didn't. And if someone kicked my a** for that, I'd have deserved it. But at least I made it up to her." He'd cut off her arm. His voice got more desperate. "I tried to. You don't even seem to ******** care."
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Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 5:12 pm
His hands lowered down as he let Rep speak. "I talk to you like a idiot when you are being one. I'm not about to let someone skip off when they aren't being a moron, but that doesn't mean I think you are a idiot overall. You're perceptive, you degrade yourself yet are openly aware of your faults, and you show an earnest desire to keep people together even when you lack tact. You're open with your emotions, but you suck beyond belief in expressing yourself at times. If I thought you were a idiot, I wouldn't have tracked you down to a cliff and talked to you when you were buck-a** naked. I wouldn't have even told you anything about me if I didn't trust you to keep your mouth shut. I talk to everyone. I spent countless hours in the Infirmary making sure everyone on this sinking ship doesn't strangle each other. I tried to set up parties to get some...some semblance of a family and you come to me like everyone else and call me cold?" Melvin flopped his hands up, not even knowing what to say anymore.
"So I don't hug people. Does everything else that I do just don't matter? When Rin got her arm chopped off, wasn't I mad at you? When her arm needing cleaning, I did that. When I wasn't sure she could recover on her own, I suggested she have someone to stay with till she was able. When she got her project approved, wasn't I there to help her clean the entire place up even after she left? How is that not caring?! How is THAT not having a ******** heart?!"
He reached down, picking up his pen and his paperwork, and rose up. He was done with this. "So what am I supposed to do, Rep? She was the one that avoid me and she's the one hurting herself now. If I'm such a pain to you and her, then avoid me to. Have a pow-wow together again and talk how I'm a little s**t." He headed back to the building.
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Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 5:29 pm
"I'm no calling you cold man." Rep said, his resolve wilting. "I'm no saying you ******** are underneath, but on the surface, to people who can't see like. Past that. To people who are a bit less perceptive and s**t. Aye you seem cold. You try. I know you do man. I watch you try even when most people wouldn't give a ********. But to Rin. You have to be ******** clear. You need to let her know she's important, she's no like. Mindready." He sighed heavily, wishing he could just hit Melvin and that this would be easy rather than another mire of words and emotions he couldn't convey. "The s**t you do does matter, but its not always obvious."
"Listen. I don't... I don't normally like. Talk about people. I don't. But you just. There are things about you that remind me of Ace sometimes. You can do all these things man and always be there and always do things for people, but they might not ever ******** notice. Duty is one thing, but sometimes you like. You need to have words. Even if saying words makes you feel like a complete tit, even if they sound like extra and pointless. Even if you think the other person SHOULD know s**t. Most of the time they don't. You assumed she could read you when she couldn't and when you rejected her, it was like you rejected everything she ever ******** gave you."
He frowned. "And I know how that ******** feels. Because you've done it to me too. You didn't mean it and I figured that out, but you still can cut really ******** deep, really really ******** deep. And then you make the other person feel like an idiot for being hurt."
He snarled, charging after Melvin and seizing him again. "AND DONT ******** RUN AWAY FROM THIS. I didn't ******** talk about you short of what I'm saying here. Anything I ******** have to say about you I will always say to your ******** face, at least give me the ******** dignity of listening to what I have to ******** say!"
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Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 5:45 pm
Melvin stopped, looking at the hand that held his wrist and tense as he looked at it. He felt sick, and talk like this just made him want to drink cold water and take big breathes. Something to not feel uneasy and overwhelmed.
He looked at that hand on his wrist and all that entailed. This is the reason everything is so messed up. He thought.
"A Sun should know a knife cuts both ways." He looked up. "I can't talk to someone who avoids seeing me. She didn't want to listen." And he couldn't make her understand.
There was only one person here he could talk to about hurting. "How did I cut you?"
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Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 5:55 pm
Melvin's eyes on his wrist seemed to do more than he could have done if he'd flinched away from him, he withdrew it with a hurt look, as if he'd just remembered what touching the other man resulted in. "She does want to listen. She'll listen to me, she listens even when you think she isn't listening at all, she's smart and needle sharp. She asks as many questions as you. Did you ever even answer her?" He sighed, feeling out of his depth and like he was somehow losing two friends even though he just wanted to fix people, wanted to be the glue that prevented things from going the way they always had when he was a child. He felt small and stupid.
"Both of you don't communicate well." And it was true, it was always a fight, an incessant uphill struggle to get through to both of them, and he wanted to help, but he was never any good at it.
He wasn't expecting Melvin to ask him about the times he'd been stung and cleared his throat."Erm. Just. I don't know. Sometimes you like. Say s**t and it hurts." he looked at the hand he'd touched him with. "And then there's things that.. I guess they bother me deeper." The way Melvin recoiled sometimes was like an echo of the way he'd recoiled from anything perceived as gay, as unclean. It made him feel unclean in its very connotations. "I don't know examples offhand. I try not to dwell on it. I don't think you mean it."
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Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 6:20 pm
"Well, if you don't know examples then..." He just shrugged. He was feeling drained by talking too much, far too much, about himself. About everything. About what was, what had been, and what couldn't be.
"Can't believe I'm getting a communication talk by you when even you can't say things right at times." He said, more of a weak joke than a personal jab to help himself ease back to some semblance of normalcy.
"People hurt each other, but I'm not going around pissing people off intentionally. Not unless they start something with me. I'm not going to be quiet about that if they do. I wanted Rin to come to me, give her time. The last person I think she'd want to see was me, but now I just get the cold shoulder so it seems she already settled on her decision."
Now that he had talked about it, Melvin looked at Rep with the sort of questions he asked before this all started. "What did she say?"
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Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 6:30 pm
Rep didn't take the comment about communication as the joke it had been intended to be, he didn't flinch, didn't change his expression, but it hurt. He was right, there was a lot Rep wanted to express, wanted to say but didn't even know where to begin. He felt like he was a kid again, trying to mend the relationships of - like Melvin said - adults, without actually being one himself. The fire had gone out of his resolve, his crystal clear intent that he would confront Melvin and somehow redress the balance of hurt. But all he saw everywhere he looked was people who were hurting and who didn't know how to communicate, and he was out of his depth and lost.
"You say that you don't do it intentionally, and I don't think you do. But they still get hurt. People feel like questions cross a line, that being judged is painful." He sighed. "And some people don't want time to come to you. Some people when they run... they just.. they just ******** want someone to come after them. They want someone to care enough to care that they ran away, that they are alone and hurting somewhere." It was so close to home for him to admit it, but right now he was emotionally drained and trying to stitch up perceived wounds with nothing but guesswork. "They might never come back, but it wouldn't be because they didn't care but because they took the fact you let them run away to mean you never really cared about them."
He sighed and shook his head, looking at the ground as he tried to shake the parallels with things he remembered, the things he'd heard as a child. "She just said she asked you for a bit of pleasure in her life and you said no. I don't know the details, why would anyone tell me the details? I just know she was hurting, and she wanted to give up. And that I don't want to lose her."
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Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 6:50 pm
He breathed out before looking at where the cafeteria was. So much for dinner.
Turning back, he watched Rep. "Where's Rin?"
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Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 6:51 pm
Rep looked somewhat defeated, but he was powerless, there wasn't anything he could do. "Her room, I think."
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Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 6:56 pm
He regarded Rep. "Did Rin tell you that she wanted to have the same sort of relationship with me that she had with you?" He asked, wondering if this was what Rep was so quiet about. Did he feel hurt that Rin was moving on? He wasn't sure, but if Rep was this involved, then he'd be sure to know what was going on, right?
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Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 7:01 pm
"No." he said, resigned. "She didn't." Whatever control he'd had over Rin was waning and he knew it, and though he wasn't happy about the thought, though it made him oddly jealous on two counts, there was nothing he could do about it. He wondered if it meant she'd been trying to replace him and felt vaguely foolish all over again."I'm sorry for getting caught up in your business. Again."
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Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 7:12 pm
"It's who you are. I do the same thing." He said, watching Rep for a moment. Maybe Melvin was just postponing another draining conversation, or maybe it was a bit of the fact that Rep had stated that not only did Melvin hurt him constantly, but he referred to him as cold despite not meaning to, but the Lifer remained a little longer.
"What are you thinking? You were all fire and talk." Now he wasn't. Now he looked....odd.
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Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 7:19 pm
Rep didn't lie, it was a fundamental part of who he was, and right now he didn't really have the willpower to be evasive. But it was hard to answer. "What am I thinking? I guess I'm .. maybe a bit scared that this will end badly. And that it'll be my fault, like before. I ******** her up first, no you. You were just being you."
He looked away and swallowed audibly. "And at the same time I guess I'm sort of jealous. Of both of you if it works out. If it gets fixed. Like no matter what happens I lose. And I have no ******** right to feel like that, because I'm happy and I don't even ******** deserve that much."
He sighed and shook his head, still oddly humbled and distant. "Ignore me, I'm full of shite. Just. I shouldn't have jumped you right after work, I shouldn't fight other people's battles. Go do whatever you have to do"
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Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 7:25 pm
"It's like you said. You're her friend. You also have a tendency to solve problems with fighting, which isn't always good or bad. I mean, I'm going to talk to her after all. You were concerned and came here. If anything, I just hate my own medicine." It was a bitter taste.
Sighing, he adjusted the binder and tablet in his hands. "But my answer will still be the same. What has happened and will happen is not anyone's fault. It's just how things are. Rin is still going to need you. After everything that has happened, I think there is little you can ever do that would change that." As for Rep and Melvin, he wasn't so sure.
"Are we still............ok?" Even if he felt personally torn apart by everything that had transpired and been said about him.
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Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 7:29 pm
Rep listened quietly, reassured that he might, might have done the right thing, at least for the moment, but still deeply concerned about how things could turn out.
He looked up at Melvin's last question, almost confused by the implication, his expression more worried than he intended to allow it to be. "I..don't know. Are we?" It blindsided him, once he offered friendship to someone, they had his heart more or less, whether it was good for him or not. He almost never retracted the offer. The implication that maybe they weren't friends any more spooked him considerably. "I.. hope so?"
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