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 Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 3:54 pm
"Because I hate her so much I want to own the ******** heart of her so I can crush it in my hands. She disgusts me so much I want to destroy her utterly, dissect like everything that she is, everything that she stands for." Rep's own irritation was evident in his posture, he felt like this entire conversation was unfair and biased, that he was having his enjoyment restricted for no reason at all.
He looked Jordan over slowly, a pang of anxious sympathy and concern twisting in him at the fury he saw there, he didn't understand but wished vehemently that he could. "I thought you didn't want to know about the s**t I got up to? Like, the not-so-great stuff. It wasn't hurting anyone but her, and I was careful, like you said, I was so careful."
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 4:04 pm
"I don't - want you to want her," Jordan said, low-voiced, his stomach twisting with anxiety and sudden comprehension. "I don't - no. No. I want to know. I'm not closing my eyes anymore. I'm not going to be blind just because I don't want to see."
He forced himself to unclench his fists, hands hanging empty at his sides. "You can't hurt one person without hurting everyone who cares about them," he said, struggling for calm. "Why did you go to Wash? Why did you drag him into it? Just to get at her?"
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 4:08 pm
Rep gave him an odd look, as if he was speaking another language, careful and enunciated as he said. "I don't want her want her. She's ******** vile." He wasn't sure what to make of how Jordan was acting in the least or what was the right thing to say.
He didn't see the point in lying either. "The easiest way to get at her was through him. I figured, she couldn't get to you and Ace in return, that you were made of tougher stuff than that, that you knew me."
He fell quiet, just looking at him and let the silence say what he didn't.
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 4:17 pm
Jordan looked away, swallowing hard. How could he be jealous of this twisted, hateful thing between Rep and Sasha? He didn't want that hate directed at him, but the thought was upsetting him in ways he'd never experienced before.
"She's really got your attention, doesn't she," he said, and fell silent for a moment. Then, "How can you say you're only hurting her if you're going through him to do it?" He looked back, meeting Rep's eyes with an effort. "Should I expect her to come after me and Harrison? Are we going to have to watch our backs?"
The volcanic rage was draining away slowly, leaving only a ragged, hurting emptiness in its wake. He hadn't known this part of Rep. How well did he know Rep at all?
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 4:33 pm
"She's everything that I hate. So, yeah she's got my attention, not in any good kind of way. I mean better her than all women everywhere, she's a single focused target and it's not like anyone will ******** lament her if she breaks. I'd be doing the place a favour" He felt oddly desperate, angry and stretched, uncomfortable about having to take this hate and rage out of its compartment and bring it into this life, this sane and safe place. Here it all seemed wrong and awkward when he explained it, like a petty and stupid thing rather than the dark black and twisted hatred it was. He felt anxious and nauseous and he couldn't even begin to understand why. "I..he was just a way to get to her. Jordan. She almost killed me. She almost killed me twice. And the only reason she didn't was that hate, its the kind of hate where you don't want to kill them because you want to make them suffer. It's something ******** evil but she deserves it because she is evil. And maybe she'll come after you two, maybe - if she thinks you are weak. Maybe she already has with Wash. She already threatened you both once a long time ago." And that time he'd had to deny how much he cared for them, had to say it was nothing but sex in the hope it would leave them off limits. But since then it had only played on him, nothing seemed out of bounds and he'd had to make the first move.
"I couldn't just let her do what she wanted. If she was going to play that game, I could play it too, and better. So I did. And I figured you guys were big boys, you could look after yourself, that we were strong and unshakable. I didn't think she'd have you so angry just with a few doubts."
He clenched his own hands. I don't care about her. This is like. It's like I dunno. Punching a whore because she's a whore. She knows she's earned it and she'll tolerate it but she'll try and like, steal your wallet for it in return.
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 4:43 pm
"Wash is a good guy," Jordan said. He felt weirdly hollow, cored out by emotion. "He wants her to be safe. I understand that. I can't give him that, and I know you won't, and I know she won't care that I want you safe."
He half-turned, looking with vague surprise at the dent in the wall, then ignoring it, leaning his shoulder against the doorframe. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry I can't give you what you need."
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 4:52 pm
Rep blinked slowly, once again at a loss. "But you do? You give me what I always needed. That hasn't changed." there was a raw sort of fear in his voice, like there were words in this conversation he was missing. Normally it was so easy to read people, to get a handle on what they weren't saying. Right now he was lost.
He wanted to get up and go over, wanted to shake him tell him no, he loved him and that wasn't the same as hate, it was what stopped that hate from consuming him entirely, let him close off the darkness into a manageable place. But he didn't, because right now, he felt like that could make things worse, because of that unknown element, because there was something volatile in Jordan he didn't get, it could have been jealousy but even that didn't make sense, what was there to be jealous of? He wouldn't, couldn't hate him.
"I need you."
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 5:07 pm
Jordan rubbed one hand over his eyes, not speaking for long moments. Then he shrugged his coat off and let it drop on the floor, walked slowly back across to sit down on the bed again, slumping against the headboard and closing his eyes. "I love you," he said, almost inaudibly. "Don't - don't escalate it. Please. If you - if you need this so bad. Keep it contained. Leave Wash out of it."
He'd seen glimpses and flashes of the hate and violence that Rep kept half-hidden, under bare control. Loving Rep, staying with him, meant accepting that. Accepting that it probably wasn't going to go away, that it would find an outlet somewhere.
There's nothing you can do that I can't forgive.
The thought still terrified him.
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 5:22 pm
Leave Wash out of it. That would be tough, he'd brought himself into it when he'd tried to turn Jordan against him, when he'd let himself be nothing but a ******** pawn to Sasha to spread her lies. And she'd hurt him, she'd gotten back at him the way he'd gotten to Wash and it was ******** awful. He wanted Wash gone almost as much as he wanted Sasha. He might have gone for the moon hunter but he hadn't used his guys to do it.
"He escalated it himself. I just told him what Sasha was up to, warned him. He made you doubt." And that hurt, it hurt so deeply he couldn't even think too long on it. "With Ro you asked me to trust you, and I did. But you still had to ask me if I kissed her."
He shook his head in resignation, sidling over to him, resting a hand on his shoulder. "I'll leave Wash out of it though. Just. Trust me because I'm deadly serious. If I ever did anything like that. Cheating. You wouldn't hear about it from ******** Wash. You would hear about it from my ******** suicide note." He raked his fingers affectionately across him as he slid his hand off but there was a serious and earnest grimness in his tone. "Because I will never become those guys."
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 5:36 pm
Jordan opened his eyes again, searched Rep's face, saw only bare, pained seriousness there. Those guys? He didn't ask. Not now. "I trust you," he said quietly. Even when I'm not sure I should.
Ferros stirred in the back of his mind, radiating distress. He'd been unhappy throughout the conversations, but he'd stayed out of it until now. The words suicide note had sparked something in him, an almost panicky response that took uncomfortably long to subside.
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 5:53 pm
He sighed heavily. It should have made him feel better to hear it out loud, but for some reason it didn't - he couldn't feel better when the issues still ultimately felt unresolved. But what could he do? Was there even a way to get Sasha to back off, to set things back to how they had been before, personal without other people dragged in as collateral damage? He'd been stupid and he was realising that now, too late to change it.
Sitting up, he leaned his head on Jordan's shoulder, resigned. He sometimes wondered if it was possible to have an addiction to hatred, to pain, and if it was, if he needed help somehow. But it was a stupid question to entertain, let alone ask. "I'm sorry. I wish I could just keep out of trouble. But there's been Dakota, and now this, and I can't stop. And I should want to because like. It gives me direction for all that anger but I feel like its making it worse. When I was getting better."
He wished he'd kept his mouth shut, the reaction from Wash hadn't been worth this.
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 6:09 pm
The moments of clarity like this, when Rep acknowledged that something wasn't quite right, that he knew it, that sometimes it spun out of control, were reassuring and painful at once. If he'd been unable to recognize how destructive these behaviors were, unable to understand that something was wrong, it would have been easy for Jordan to distance himself, to draw a clear line; that Rep knew made Jordan hope that it could be pulled further under control, made less harmful. That he could be safe. But that hope made it all the more awful each time Rep lost control.
"We've been trapped with little to do for months," he sighed. "I guess it's natural that we're all tense and ready to lash out." He turned slightly and leaned over to kiss Rep, slow and gentle, an unvoiced apology for the accusations.
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 6:23 pm
Rep melted into the gesture, craving the reassurance more than anything else. It was enough to ground him, to dispel the terror that there had been something huge he didn't understand - maybe there still was, but for now it didn't matter, he wouldn't make it worse. Or he'd do his damnedest not to at least.
Only when the kiss broke naturally did he speak. "Being stuck here does make you go a little bit crazy. Boredom and people being in your face all the time, you notice the things you hate about your enemies way ******** more when you are always forced into situations with them."
He slipped an arm around Jordan, confidence returning slowly dispelling that heart wrenching fear that he was going to walk out of the room and give up on him. "I'll try and fix this, I promise. And in the meantime just, please don't believe anything either of them say. Wash seems to like, believe everything she says, and everything she says is toxic."
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 6:27 pm
Jordan nodded a little. "I won't overreact again. That good?" He leaned against Rep, sighing. "Broke a mug getting upset. I guess I could've taken that as a sign I wasn't being rational."
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Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 6:35 pm
Rep couldn't help but grin toothily, relief letting him slide into playfulness as his rattled nerves gradually settled. "Well I can't really like condemn mug breaking. After thanksgiving and whatever."
He eyed the dent in the wall, making what could only be described as a notbad expression. "If I wasn't so confused and worried, that wall punch might even have been like, really hot. You don't always need to be rational you know. You are like. Allowed to be like.." he frowned thoughtfully as if something just dawned on him. "...jealous?"
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