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 Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 10:55 am
He wasn't helping.
He didn't know what else to say.
"If it was me, they wouldn't have bothered to fix me. I'm a Sun, we are like racehorses, they put us down for nothing. But your brain is still fine, everything that makes you Rin is perfectly okay." He shallowly sighed, still feeling like he was just making things worse for her, and fell quiet.
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 11:06 am
"Don't you sit there and tell me everything is okay William and don't try to diminish... don't compare me to what ifs... I'm here. My arm isn't..," she turned her head very slightly while holding her breath to ease the pain of the action. "... This is permanent.. this isn't just a scar," icey blue eyes locked on his, "Congratulations. You crippled me for the rest of my life."
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 11:25 am
Rep met her gaze but couldn't say anything, just felt like he froze up, right to the very heart. Every time he tried to get stronger to protect the people he cared about, every decision he made with the intent that it was a good one somehow swung back and harmed them. He didn't really understand, and he never had. All he could do was keep going because the alternative was to give up, and he'd never learned how.
He found himself wringing his hands again. He couldn't say anything at all to her accusation, there was no argument. He simply looked away, tamping all the guilt, all the hurt and regret down. It felt familiar to do it, he'd done it before.
"I should leave. I'm not helping you."
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 11:33 am
"Leaving would be just to make you feel better," Rin was still staring. She didn't want to be alone right now. She was still terrified. The second he'd turn his back - they'd swoop in and finish her. "Will you ever face me? Face what you did to me? Or is right now just inconvenient for you?"
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 11:45 am
Rep had been sitting up in the chair to leave when her words cut through him like a knife, right to the quick of what he was doing. He was leaving because he couldn't handle this, because emotional pain was intolerable, because right now he loathed himself so much he couldn't bear it. Why would she want him around when he couldn't stand to even be himself? It made a twisted sort of sense in his mind. Regardless, he stopped in his tracks with a flinch, as if she had physically seized him.
He'd wanted to run before the emotions got too much to ignore, too much to keep on top of, he'd been able to with his mother, she hadn't been able to tell him to stay. And he'd been running ever since in one way or another. Stopping now was almost unthinkable. If he faced what he did to her, it would mean facing everything he'd ever done to anyone. It was too huge.
Nausea roiled in him like a storm. He hadn't eaten in the days he'd been waiting to see her, stress rejected the very idea, and he was glad, it let him keep his composure as he looked away again, unable to hold her accusing stare for more than a moment. "What else do you want from me? I said I was sorry."
It sounded petty and childish, and said nothing at all of the emotions running beneath.
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 11:58 am
"It's one thing to say you're sorry," she frowned irritably but part of her knew. He didn't want to face it. Fight or flight was possibly kicking in. She won't allow it though. It was hard for him. So hard. But she needed to know she was worth anything at all to you. That you knew you ******** up enough to face it and say it and deal with the side effects. She needed this.
"You need to show it."
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 12:24 pm
He frowned, his emotions taut and pained. He still had no idea what she wanted from him, how was it possible to show he was sorry? He couldn't bring her arm back, he couldn't simply undo what was done. But there was so much he owed her.
It was agony to make himself talk, to stay and face those feelings he wanted to just shut off and ignore.
"I don't know how. I mean. I didn't want to hurt you." he tried to explain, hoping somehow that would help, would show how deep the regret ran. His voice faltered as he forced himself to go on. "I was..like..I just wanted to see you again. I wanted to see if I'd gotten strong enough to beat you." If he could beat her, he could protect her, it meant he was doing the right thing, on the right track. "And I missed our spars."
He closed his eyes and buried his head despairingly in his hands. "I keep hurting you because I'm so ******** stupid. I hurt you by leaving you alone when we said we'd always keep each other from being alone on the island. That was me. Me and not knowing my own ******** messed up deviant desires. I ruin everything for you when you try and find happiness because like, even though I can't have you I still want you. I still want to possess you, own you. So I distance myself from you and probably ended up hurting you even more. When I try and make things right this happens."
"I love you a lot Rin, but..everything I love gets hurt. Love and hate are so close I don't think I can tell them apart anymore. I keep trying and trying, but my success is always written in other people's blood. I don't want it like that." He wiped his eyes with the back of a hand but didn't look up at her.
"I'm sorry. I'm so ******** sorry. There's not many ******** things in the world I care about, but I care about you. And if there's anything I could do to prove it, I would in a ******** heartbeat."
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 1:13 pm
"I don't care why. I just want to know it would never happen again. That I could trust you at all anymore and words... words alone won't do that," she looked exhausted as she gave him a fleetingly desperate look. "And... right now?.. I... I don't know what you mean and what you might just be saying... I..." she sunk into the bed.
"I... I don't know how to feel yet. I'm broken now... and someone... I respected... someone I love just so ******** much. They're the ones that... did it...," s**t... something was kicking in and her head was swimming , "Don't... make... m..." Rin seemed to go limp again.
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 1:24 pm
Rep sat and looked on grimly in the silence as she passed out. He shouldn't have burdened her with so much so quickly. Yet another injury on top of all else.
He got up from the chair quietly. Part of him wanted to lean over and kiss her forehead, one last gesture of affection before he got out of her way. But he was frozen to the spot, out cold she brought back memories that made his stomach twist up into knots upon knots, still, fragile, too pale.
He clenched his hands so hard his nails bit into his palms.
No.
No, she was breathing, she was fine. But he couldn't stay, couldn't deal with it any longer.
He had to get out of the infirmary, right now. Right now.
Turning on his heel, he quick marched out of there, not stopping even for the confused hunter he almost walked into on the way out.
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