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 Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2012 4:35 pm
The rest of this post is not suitable for children's eyes.
"Maybe I'll shave someone else's head then," said Gale mulishly. He still hadn't quite forgiven Bix for what had happened, but he was not trying to push him away either, or kick him out of the house, at least.
He gestured for Bix to come in and closed the door behind him, stepping over the threshold and making his way down the hall towards the kitchen.
At least, that's where he had been going before Bix decided to open his mouth again. Gale jerked to an abrupt halt where he stood, his face suddenly scarlet. Inside of his head, Jinhai made a soft noise, and Gale stiffened, horribly embarrassed.
"Yes," he said. "Yes, I saw it."
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 7:49 am
"Well.." Bix was going to ignore all his comments to Gale in particular. He didn't need to say anything about them. He meant them and that's what mattered. "I guess the good things is that me and Ceres sort of... have approached our feelings? I guess?" Bix shrugged and once again resumed walking. Talking about girls was easier than talking about man-feelings for eachother. "Death sort of.. bonded us more."
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Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 5:47 pm
Gale was still standing stock still in the middle of his hallway, and now he closed his eyes briefly. For a few moments, he had allowed his guard to drop, allowed Bix to get in under his skin, let him be reminded of everything that had been before he had "died." He had missed him desperately, and the relief at Bix being alive was hardly even describable.
So why did it hurt now?
He drew in a small breath and opened his eyes, though he kept his back to Bix, moving woodenly towards the kitchen, where he immediately busied himself making tea.
"That's...that's great," Gale said, forcing the cheer into his voice, though he was not entirely certain it had come out sounding entirely sincere.
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 5:45 am
"What's that about?" Bix almost snapped at him. It was definitely a terse response. Yes, he was back from the dead, but he'd come here first and spent little time dealing with his own issues from this. Once again he'd almost ignored himself to extend himself to his friends. "You definitely don't sound happy for me." Bix noticed the forced tone and while perhaps normally he'd ignore it and chalk it up to Gale being Gale, the albino was very touchy and right now he was very dependent on Ceres, and she on him, for an understanding that none of his friends could offer.
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 7:05 am
The snapping, though he deserved it, still stung, and Gale closed his eyes briefly, breathing deeply to ease the harshness. His hands stilled on the tea preparations, and Jinhai made a soft, reassuring noise in his mind.
He could not understand what Bix had been through; he knew that, and he knew that what Ceres had he could never offer himself. It ate at him, clawed through him like a fire, burning away the emotions.
"I never said that," he said quietly, and then turned around slowly, his eyes flickering upwards to look at Bix, and there was a bittersweet smile on his face, his eyes sad.
"I told you, Bix. It's easier to die than to watch someone die. I couldn't do anything for you. I still can't. But you have her, and she has you, and really, that's a good thing, mate. I mean it."
And he did. Gale gave a small, half shrug, the same sadness still there.
"I've long since learned that I can't do as much as I thought I could."
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 7:50 am
Bix probably should have been more reasonable. He probably should've tried some measure of comfort but the fact of the matter was that less than 24 hours ago he'd woken up on a morgue slab and since then he'd barely taken the time to get himself together. He'd laid in bed all night and battled the feeling that maybe he wouldn't wake up if he closed his eyes. "You die first. Then you tell me." The albino snapped back. "Yes it's difficult to see people die. Loved ones. I know. But you go and tell me it's easier to die once you do it." His mood swing had been random, unpredictable, but at the same time had the albino ever really been honest with most of his friends? Generally he found the safer bet was to be quiet, stay supportive, and be the friend people needed. He tried not to mope. He tried to push through and endure while everyone else was stuck in some sort of emotional turmoil. "I woke up in a morgue less than a day ago. All I could think of was finding my friends so they knew I wasn't dead. Did I want to hide in my room for a week? Yeah. I still do. My own sanity is questionable at best right now. But I can't close my eyes to take a nap with the lights off because I'm afraid I won't wake up. Any second I expect from Lifers to come snatch me from my bed to discover the secrets of resurrecting the dead." Bix was doing some air finger pointing. The way the conversation was going, it was clear he wouldn't be staying to do that painting. "But if I didn't come out here. If I didn't come to my friends.. they'd all be pissed. They'd blame me. The longer I wait to tell everyone the worse trouble I'm in." He did look tired. Exhausted. The longer the rant went on the more drained he became, his eyes rimmed red and sagging. "And I'm the nice guy. I'm the support guy. I'm the guy who gives all the 'go get em' speeches for everyone." Bix stuffed his hands in his pockets and took a shakey breath. He felt the manic rush he'd felt the day before, the tightness in his chest that started to scream 'unsafe!' at him. "Just.. hold onto my things for me. I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for bro time. I'm not ready to be the happy guy and brush things off while you mope and self doubt. I'll come back for the stuff when I feel better." When he could grin and say that all this was just water under the bridge. Bix backed to the door. His voice dropped. "I'm not saying this to be mean but it really makes me feel like you didn't take my letter to heart at all. I meant those things and even if I'm still alive, it doesn't make them less true." His hand was on the doorknob. "You're still my best friend. This isn't a fight. I just... I'm not ready for this yet. I didn't come here looking for comfort but... I also didn't come here for that." He just motioned towards Gale, his continual self deprecation. Bix's constant support and advice felt completely wasted and ignored. His 'last words' seemed pointless. It was just eating at him now, something that would have never bothered him before. "I've.. got other people to see. I've got to do this again. And again. And again. Hell maybe I'll even get called in to explain it to a division leader too. That'll be good fun."
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 8:05 am
Slap.
Gale's hand smarted, but he still stood there, arm still raised towards Bix, eyes red-rimmed, tears stinging at the corners, his face a pained shade of red, which dotted across his cheeks, blotchy and unbecoming.
"I don't care that you - that you think you're all alone in this, because I know you're just being stupid. But saying that - telling me to go die first so that I'll know how it feels - "
His voice broke, and then he was shouting, his voice hoarse, his heart breaking into a thousand, glittering, glass pieces.
"I can't possibly know what it feels like to die. I've never been there. But I've already watched my sister die! Don't you think I know how it feels? Don't you think I've had to die every single day that she's not here, that she was killed because of my own stupidity? Don't you think I died a little every day that you weren't here? I know what it feels like to die. I know what it feels like to sink into that blackness, to feel like you're drowning, that no matter how hard you fight, no matter how hard you try and fight your way to the surface, there's nothing there for you, that everything is different, wrong, not what it's supposed to be!"
It felt hard to breathe, to even think. He was getting a headache.
This is all wrong.
"I don't care that you're with Ceres! I meant that, and I never expected you to come back and be 'the happy guy' you used to be - I didn't even think you were coming back. But Ceres can understand what you've been through like no one else, and I wouldn't ever take that away from you. You need her, I know you do. I just don't want to be left behind."
He hadn't meant to say that last part out loud, but there it was, the final piece to the puzzle. Tears were falling freely from Gale's eyes now as he slowly lowered his hand, fingers clenching into fists at his sides. He took several slow steps backwards, shaking his head, hearing the drum of his heartbeat in loud in his ears.
"Go," he said quietly, and there was no anger in his voice, no force behind it. He closed his eyes, hating himself, hating everything, drowning in grief and anger and frustration, in bitterness and sorrow and sadness.
"I know you don't want to stay, so just go."
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 8:28 am
"THE WORLD ISN'T WRONG WHEN SOMEONE DIES GALE. YOU ARE WRONG FOR NOT MOVING FORWARD." Bix finally did yell. Really yelled. "YOU. You need to keep going. Push on. Live for the good and not wallow but.." Bix literally reared back and punched the door. It was loud, hard, his knuckle split in a tiny cut but he ignored it. "******** I'm.. I'm doing it again. I'm giving you a goddamn pep talk while you wallow in self pity instead of being the strong person I know you are. You're not left behind.. you just have convinced yourself of that. You took yourself as far from the dorms as you could, you barely called to hang out, and when hanging out did happen it was usually some sort of thing. It's time to snap out of it Gale. There's more to life than this job. There's more to life than who is dead and why. There are people trying to care for you but all you can talk about is how you have no one. HOW IS THAT FAIR TO ANY OF US?" The albino yanked the door open, it swung and hit the wall loudly behind it. "I'm everyone's rock Gale. I root for everyone. I'm on your side before I'm on my own. What. The. ********." He stepped out the door, hand on the knob. "Who the ******** will be my rock for once? Can anyone put their own s**t away for a second to even pretend to be happy for a second with me? Only Ceres, also ******** up as hell, has tried to pretend she didn't have her own s**t to deal with to try and make me feel better." Bix shook his head. "I did want to be here. I wanted to see you. I wanted to stay and help you paint and have some bonding time. I just wish maybe you could have pretended better. Or maybe just made a conscious decision not to mope for 5 minutes." Bix actually looked genuinely hurt now. He looked hurt that he was saying it, feeling it, and hurt that he was walking out the door. It felt like everything he said just hit Gale's emotional wall and stopped there. It never permeated. "I'll.. talk to you later." Bix fled, hands jammed in his pockets, charging back up the road to the dorms.
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