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 Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 5:51 am
Rep listened intently to what Robert had to say, he might have been hardline in his own opinions but it didn't mean he didn't have a condescending sort of interest in what other people felt. It was a very valid question though, and for a moment he almost considered evading it or lying. But lies ended up biting him in the a**, it was for the moment, easier to go with honesty. "Well. Without anger I'd be a lot ******** happier. Pure instinct and clear judgement, that'd be a lot more ******** helpful. As it is, thanks to this teeny wee ******** temper I have going on, I keep ******** over my own life and saying stupid s**t. I'd be happy to see it go forever."
He crossed his arms defensively as the topic moved onto the monsters they fought, having to look away at the intense look Robert gave him. The old thoughts from the promotion mission resurfaced, the halloween children running to the arms of their protective parent - what he'd never hard. They didn't deserve to have loved ones.
He hated them with a blazing jealous edge that made him tense up visibly. "I don't want to be one of those monsters. When I say the word monster I mean something ******** else. We just don't have any better words to use cause they took them all. The ******** we fight are imperfect, they have too much of us in them - I guess cause they come from our flaws. Making them weapons takes away so much of that shite, makes them better, fixes them... but then they get paired up with us. It just gives all those ******** emotional weaknesses back again. I want to be like a human weapon, the ******** perfect other half to what they made Tracey into. Cold, powerful and a ******** force of destruction. Once we learn how to do that, then we'll ******** win this stupid war. That's what I explained to Tracey and that's what I'm explaining to you."
There was a moment when the manic almost mad gleam in his expression faltered.
"It'd be a much easier world without worrying all the ******** time."
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Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 6:04 am
"Doesn't sound like a world worth living in." Rep was losing him, because none of what he was saying actually sounded attractive anymore. "You want a world where you can look at someone, maybe you look at Jordan, and you feel nothing. That's what you want."
Robert shook his head slowly, and frowned.
"I'd fight you until the day I died to keep that world from being a reality. No offense. I like you, Rep. But the world you want, the kind of person you wanna be, it sucks."
Despite that, Robert was relieved. Rep was talking s**t that couldn't actually happen. He didn't want to join the dark side, and go play with the monsters. He wanted to become something that didn't exist. And deep down, Robert found he didn't care if Rep was that brand of crazy. That brand didn't get him, or the people he loved, killed on the battlefield. It just left Rep with a lifetime of regret and unhappiness.
And as much as he tried to convince himself that he'd come to try and help Rep, the sudden relief and apathy Robert felt proved him otherwise.
"If you became a cold, powerful force of destruction, you might end this stupid war, Rep." He nodded minutely. "But then there'd be none of you left to enjoy it. And winning sounds kind of useless if you're not trying to win something worth fighting for."
Robert's brow furrowed deeply, and he looked at Rep with a faint awkwardness. "Do you. Uh." God, he didn't want to ask this. "Do you love Jordan? Or is this s**t with you guys.. just about the uh.. the uh.."
Robert kind of wanted to die.
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Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 6:31 am
Jordan.
Jordan and Harrison were the central stumbling block in his whole perfect emotionless plan. As much as he tried to convince himself he could be cold and uncaring, that he could file the entire world into that box in his head marked "other"and simply be a weapon, those two stood against it. He found it easy to imagine a world where he was simply a cold, callous murderer, but almost impossible to imagine a world where he looked at Jordan and didn't feel that almost suffocating upsurge of affection he always felt.
"Eh, I'd win something if I ended it, the knowledge the people that matter would live on without always having that horrible ******** threat of death hanging over their heads, without becoming the next Julie, or Killzone. And all I'd lose would be that I'd become what so many ******** on this island already seem to think I am."
Robert's other question blind-sided him. He blinked and gave him the most suspicious look he could manage, not sure if it was a serious question or some sort of subtle mockery.
"The sex?" he stated bluntly. "No. If I'd wanted just sex, I'd have stuck with Rin, I'd have stuck with pretending to myself I was straight forever. I was pretty ******** well practised in it, it wasn't hard to maintain the status quo."
It was a real effort to talk about this sort of thing for him, but he found the vague sort of confused irritation he felt at realising the limitations of his aspirations again was a good bit of fuel to keep him going.
"The only reason s**t changed was because he walked into my life and kicked my ideas of what being.." he waved a hand, still not able to say the word ".. that way meant - right in the nuts. And then somewhere in there I guess aye that falling in love s**t happened, because he's Jordan." He crossed his arms, looking away, radiating awkwardness himself. He wasn't sure why he felt hurt that he had to be asked the question at all, telling himself mentally that of course people doubted his intentions, of course they'd think he was in it for selfish gain, he was Rep. He ran a hand through his hair anxiously before going on.
"When I thought he was gone forever it hurt so ******** badly. Maybe it ******** scared me. Maybe sometimes I think I'd rather not feel anything than feel that again. Maybe that's why I was ranting at Tracey in the first place."
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Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 9:07 pm
"Rin?" Robert's mouth fell open for a moment. "Seriously? You were hittin' that?"
That was the part Robert focused on.
When Rep started to talk about Jordan, however, Robert unknowingly started to smile. A choked laugh came out at 'because he's Jordan', and the smile broke into a laughing grin. If anyone understood the unmatchable allure of Jordan, it was the guy who'd chosen to follow him before he'd even seen his face. Rep's explanation, as vague as it might have sounded, made perfect sense to Robert.
Of course, that didn't mean he wanted anything to do with a p***s, but this wasn't about sex, anymore.
"You're being a selfish p***k. You're not doing this to protect others. You're not doing this to keep the people you care about from becoming the next Killzone. You're doing this so that, when it happens, you don't have to care about it." Robert pursed his lips tightly. "Well, Rep, I got news for you. It ain't all about you. You gotta do what's right for Jordan. Because he's Jordan. And you know what?"
Robert leaned his leg out, and nudged the man with the toe of his boot. "Turning into a cold, heartless killer? That ain't what's right for Jordan. That's the same as killin' him yourself. So quit that s**t already. You're more than just the sum of your own feelings, now. You are a part of something. Take ********' responsibility for that, for once."
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Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2012 4:52 am
He nodded regarding Rin, it was still a guilty memory - he'd hurt her pretty badly with his lies and the way he ditched her like she was nothing. It had sent her in a spiral of clinginess that had only served to leave her more alone and segregated than ever. And there was nothing at all he could do about it.
The Life hunter's words hurt because on a level they were true. He couldn't argue with him, it was selfish, he was looking out for himself, part of the drive to become cold and distant was undeniably the desire not to feel the bad things. He'd watched Harrison die and it had hurt so deeply even in that moment it was worse than dying himself. He'd learned to delight in physical pain but the emotional kind was intolerable.
But Robert was right. As much as he wanted to dislike the guy for lecturing him, it wasn't a lecture, it was the kick he needed. He sighed heavily.
"Aye. I know. Well, I don't always, but I try and keep it in mind. I just.. <********>, everything happens at once here." He still hadn't even begun to deal with Killzone's death and on some level was still reeling from how close he'd come to losing everything last mission. "But you have a point I guess. Jordan and Ace are why I can't let go the way I might have liked to. It's the factor standing in the way of that whole plan, its just.. I dunno it feels ******** weak going into every battle with that fear that it might be the last one for either one of them, like I'm distracting myself. But at the same time.." he scowled, hunching his shoulders, embarrassed when he admitted things he felt were a weakness. "I couldn't really hurt them for any ******** reason. Not even for the sake of my own happiness." It was strange to admit it now, when once upon a time, his own happiness had been all that mattered and he would have killed to maintain it. "So I'm stuck complaining at Tracey and not a whole lot ******** else."
He waved a hand vaguely, a gesture of almost childish frustration and snarled. "Responsibility is a pain in the ******** arse." He'd never had any pre-island, no job, no obligations, no trust from his friends. Suddenly finding himself with so much was still a source of internal conflict.
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Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 1:13 am
It kind of hit him hard, when Robert suddenly realized that Rep was relenting, and he'd.. actually.. not been completely rebuffed. So he just stared at the man for a few seconds, gaping with surprise.
His mouth snapped shut suddenly and he grinned like an idiot. "Well god damn. Rep, I'm kind of really ********' proud of you. I think that's the smartest, best thing I've ever heard you say, and you said it to me. That makes me feel a little warm and squishy deep down in my heart." He didn't sound like he was taking that very seriously, but uttering a phrase like that did not require a lot of seriousness. "I guess you should just tell Tracey to quit it. I mean, he seems like he's got your best in mind, but he's just blabbin' your secrets around. Sooo.. yeaaaah."
Robert wasn't worried about Rep, or the people around him, anymore. He visibly relaxed, and felt his little chat had been a rousing success. Maybe he should apply for the new counselor. Yeah, except.. no.
"Responsibility sucks." He laughed out. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sit here and hide from my weapon for the rest of this exercise."
Hypocrite.
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Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 8:12 am
Rep wasn't sure how to react at Robert being proud of him, part of him was genuinely happy for the positivity and little inward swell of pride that it provided, most people tended to be negative with him at the best of times. At the same time however, the old instincts were there, leery of being patronised, paranoid that the other man was being sarcastic. So in the end rather than saying thanks for the vote of faith, he simply hedged his bets and said nothing at all other than.
"Oh don't worry about that, Tracey's in deep ******** s**t when I get hold of him again."
But he wasn't about to let the other man's comment about his weapon slide. He'd been interrogated, he wasn't about to be the only one.
"Hiding from your weapon? Oh that definitely sounds like the kind of guy who should be telling me to take responsibility for my actions. Do they have you whipped or something? You look a bit ******** big to be being pushed around by a little ******** golem."
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Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 11:13 pm
Rep's teasing words were setting a challenge for Robert, which made him grin toothily in response. "Nobody's got me whipped, little red. I'm just enjoying the time I've got away from her." He rubbed a finger in his ear, as if he could still hear her yelling. "She's so loud, dude. When she's talking, at least. Most of the time she doesn't even wanna talk to me. I live with a PMSing b***h in my head 24/7. I think I have every right to enjoy the small time I have away from her, while I can."
Robert sucked in a sharp sigh, and a moment of unease fell over him. "I don't get it. Whenever I hear someone else talking about their weapon.." He shrugged, and fell silent. The disconnection between him and his weapon was a topic often ignored.
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Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 3:17 am
The rec room's door quietly opened and a pale young man with dark hair and a lanky build leaned against the door, sighing loudly, "I don't suppose either of you have seen a large, blonde idiot?" He noticed Robert and made a face and then clarified, "A shinier idiot. With armor and.." he gestured abstractly, "...justice."
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Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 3:26 am
Robert got a surprisingly sympathetic look as Rep curled his lip at the very idea of having a woman in his head all day every day. "Well okay, that much I can get, I think I'd go ******** insane with a b***h in my head. Tracey at least I can get to shut the ******** up, I just put my foot down hard enough and he shuts up, he knows who is boss in my head. But I guess ******** women just wouldn't ever know when to shut up even if you did put your foot down."
He clenched his hands into fists. "I thought I had Tracey in line fully but clearly not enough if he's been blabbing all my innermost all over twitter. He's going to be ******** kept in silence for a long ******** time once he's back in my head that smug little s**t. I hope he thinks its worth it."
He sighed irritably and went on. "I'll have to relent eventually though, cause its like, how well we wield our weapons is down to that whole ******** bond thing between the little ******** voices in our heads. So if I keep shoving him away I'm going to end up ******** murdering myself with the weight of that axe, or getting killed on the battlefield, being a sun and all." He looked away grudgingly. "Plus I owe the little tit my life from the horseman assault and from when I nearly got my arm detached by a ******** horsewoman before that. So its taxing and s**t but I have to make the effort."
Robert got a curious look - Rep didn't often meet people who didn't seem to get along with their weapons, he was used to people making him feel bad about how cruel he was to Tracey on occasion. "I guess like.." He sighed heavily. "The way I ******** see it with weapons right? And I don't want to ******** hear if you think its bullshit or not, most people do." He crossed his arms all the more defensively, sitting back and flat out looking away from the other hunter.
"But the way I see it is we all had a gap in our heads when we got here. Something ******** fundamentally missing, that the weapons picked up on. Like something part of our fate and s**t. Like with me, sometimes Tracey's the one in my head that says no stop that s**t, its crazy. Who kind of nitpicks s**t when I'm being totally stupid and irrational. I hate it but I think maybe..like just maybe I need it. Fills that gap. "
He blinked as the door opened, giving the man he didn't recognise an irritable look, about to tell him to piss off when he rather gloriously burned Robert.
The attempt not to grin like an idiot was a bust. "Naw, I mean. There's a whole ******** lot of blondes around the facility and like, most of them aren't the sharpest tools in the shed." Anything that was not insulting redheads for a change was just fantastic with him. "..and armour? I know some people dress like ******** idiots around here." He excluded himself and his rainbow shirt from this demographic. "But that's pushing it a bit right?"
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Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 3:34 am
Robert fell silent at Rep's explanation. He wasn't ready to call bullshit on it, because in truth, it really felt like it made sense - for everyone else. It seemed like everyone was just a little better, a little more whole with their weapons. A little more complete.
Except he didn't feel that way at all, with Jezebel. If anything, he felt like she was leeching something away from him. Something important. And he couldn't quite figure out what.
When the door opened, Robert didn't immediately look up. He missed the initial insult to his intelligence, not that he would have disagreed - but he still would have reacted. Physically. As it stood, he caught the tail end of what the man was asking for, and he finally looked up.
"The ********? You're looking for a guy with justice? Is that a person's name or are you just dicking around with us?"
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Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 3:42 am
The young man stared for a moment, enjoying a quiet fantasy of how these two would likely die horribly and alone, because Hunters, Jack bless their cursed souls, simply can't bring themselves to go any other way. He studied them for a few more breaths before smiling wistfully, "Yes. That's exactly what I meant, you are so very astute that I am perfectly shamed to have interrupted your deep and meaningful discourse on how sad your lives are." He was guessing, but really, these were Hunters. The only other thing they seemed to talk about was their undying love (ha!) and who was sleeping with who.
'Well," he continued brightly, "I'll just let you get back to that and be on my way."
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Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 3:49 am
Rep didn't like being stared at by creepy nerds - a category he had allocated the other guy by sheer virtue of not being endowed with more muscle than brains. "Your ******** sarcasm isn't welcome." he bristled. "My life's just ******** fine. Don't take it out on us that you couldn't find your ******** boyfriend."
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Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 3:59 am
Everything the man at the door said flown right past Robert's blonde, justice-less head. But his tone did not. And before he could say a word, with his fists, Rep was already on the job. All that Robert had left to say, or do, was laugh.
And that was exactly what he did.
"BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-" He breathed. "-AHAHAHAHAHAAHAH-"
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Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 4:07 am
Merlin smiled as he exited, and then turned to the laughing one. "You. You're the one who collapsed trying to touch Excalibur, weren't you? It took so very long for anybody to bring themselves to care. I do so hope you've made some actual friend's since then." He shut the door behind him as he left, "You'll have need of them."
His smile, as he walked away, was small and wistful and dreaming of a thousand terrible deaths as he searched for the other.
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