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Not really miserable, more just hurt and confused and tired of screwing up over and over again. Upset with himself, but also harboring his own resentment towards the other boil in the room, and hating that he was beginning to feel that way again, after he'd been trying so hard to just accept the things that seemed like they were never going to change. And then, miraculously, he had actually begun to believe that they were making some kind of progress, that maybe, just maybe, Yin did return the feelings that he had for him but just didn't know it or how to show it. Even Danny had said that it was so, but..right, that was Danny. Had he actually been so desperate to believe it that he would take her word for it? That seemed incredibly ridiculous, now that he thought back on it again.

The tears continued to course their way down his face, and he pretty much felt like giving up on trying to wipe them away. He felt like sitting down, like curling up and making himself as small as he suddenly felt, and he glanced to the side through the hair that had fallen into his eyes over towards his chair, before deciding against it and instead slowly and clumsily slipping down to the floor. He didn't know what else he could say, how more to apologize for whatever it was he'd done wrong. Yin still wasn't offering up any explanations, of course, because he hardly ever did. He pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapped his arms around them. "Thank you." He answered, quietly, because Yin had just complimented the work he had done, though now he wished he hadn't even bothered. The room itself, it felt empty now, and uncomfortable. It no longer even felt like it belonged to him in any way. He'd put off doing it for so long because he had known that there was a reason he kept it the way he did, and that it was a part of him he didn't want to have to change for anybody. And yet he had. Probably for all the wrong reasons, because really, when did he ever do anything right? But he'd still done it. All for the boil standing on the other side of the room. All for a moment that he'd hoped they could both enjoy.

"I know that." Frustration. Yin was a broken record, telling him the same thing again and again. He was trying. He was always trying. He didn't need to hear it anymore, because Yin had already made that point abundantly clear on several occasions. Why he was still trying was beyond Alex. One step forward, and when Alex pushed for another step, Yin instead retreated by ten.

"Do you want to stop trying?" So many other things had come to mind for him to say, but this one was the simplest, and directly to the point. He didn't mean stop being bonded. In his mind, that was impossible. Stop being boilfriends? Well, he wasn't sure if he was allowed to be Yin's bonded without being his boilfriend. Could they just be best friends again? Was Alex even capable of being only that and still being happy? He wasn't sure that he could, and he didn't really want to think about it. He only wanted to know if Yin wanted to stop trying, because if he did, then Alex would stop pushing, and they could just...stand still indefinitely.

Yin wasn't answering him. At least, not right away, but to Alex that was really all of the answer he needed. Well, okay then. No more pushing. No more doing anything that made Yin uncomfortable..which was, regrettably, just about everything. But that was okay, because there were times when Yin enjoyed it, and Alex could just...wait for those times to manifest themselves. Yes. Nothing like a horrible nightmare of getting turned into a weapon or a stint dealing with insanity to get the old romantic juices flowing again. Hand holding was probably still okay, since Yin seemed to have less of a problem with it then anything else and sometimes even initiated the action himself. Hugging? Hugging might still be on the table. It wasn't so bad, really. He could take a step back and Yin could take a step back and they could both just wait until Yin was ready.

No more pushing.

At some point, probably around the time Alex had come to just accept these things, the tears had stopped. It was almost a relief, actually, to think that things could just become more simple, that for once everything could just be black and white without all of these shades of grey. He let his knees ease back downward until his legs lay flat on the floor, and he reached for the hem of his t-shirt, lifting it up to wipe away the cold wetness on his cheeks. Of course, it did nothing to hide the stains of red that were left behind, but it was a start, at least. But it was okay, he could do this. He let the tshirt, drop back down, raised his face with the barest hint of a smile. See, everything was fine, now. He had just had a bad moment, but now surely they could just move---

Yin's face was right there, right in front of his. How had he gotten there so fast? But that wasn't nearly as surprising as when grabbed ahold of him, pulling him forward while simultaneously moving to press a kiss to his mouth, a kiss that he did not actually return because he was much too shocked to do so. When Yin pulled away the first time, the zomboils mouth parted slightly, his expression behind the hair that had fallen into his eyes confused. "Yin--I---wha--" and then another kiss that broke off his words, before Yin was moving away again.

"Yin everything is okay, you don't have to..." Oh dear jack, was the other boil crying? He shouldn't be crying. Kissing was supposed to be something happy couples did, during happy moments of their relationships. There was no joy in this for Alex, either. "Yin please just..give me a second?" He didn't try to pull away, though, even when Yin leaned in again. Whether or not Yin kissed him for that third time, he reached up with his hands, cupping either side of the other boils face, wanting him to just stop so that he could just..look at him. And possibly brush his tears away with his thumbs.

"I just want to be with you. That's what I want. All of these other things...they don't really matter as much as that, really. They're nice, and I enjoy them, but...it' s just you, okay? You make me happy, just by being you. I can restrain myself, I can love you without getting kisses and hugs and cuddles. I will love you even if those things stop, I promise." He was rambling, he knew he was rambling, but it was important that Yin knew that he really didn't have to do this, that his happiness resided solely in knowing that he belonged to Yin and nobody else and that the weremantis accepted him, dumbass behavior and all.

It was Alex's turn to be silent, to let Yin speak but again, he didn't exactly like what he heard. He wanted to protest, to tell him that no, that wasn't right. Of course he was happy, that any time he was upset it was only a fleeting thing and, again, that it didn't matter. But he didn't want to interrupt, wanted to give Yin a chance to say what he needed to say, to show that he could listen, that Yin could talk to him. He would wait until Yin had said everything and then take his turn again, and try to explain even clearer, one more time, exactly what made him happy.

What he did not expect was another kiss, for Yin to throw himself forward like that again. And really, it was becoming very very hard to concentrate, with all of that warmth that was flooding through him again. A small sound of escaped Alex's throat, one that could have meant anything. Surprise, bewilderment, need. He was still so confused by what was happening, but at that moment didn't want to fight against it anymore. So he did what he did best. He caved, and gave in, and let Yin have his way, whether it was right or wrong. His eyes slid closed, and he fell backwards, his back pressing into bookshelf portion of the desk behind him. His hands were still on either side of Yin's face but they quickly slipped away to curl behind the back of the weremantis's head and neck, just for that moment. Alex's mouth pressed almost hungrily against Yin's, cool, but almost seeming to warm up just from the contact alone. If Yin had meant this to just be a short kiss, a small quick peck on the lips, well, Alex was attempting to make it something more. His hands behind the weremantis's neck only held him gently, however, and Yin could have easily pulled away at any time.

Regardless of length of time, when Yin pulled back it would be to a small gasp from Alex, who had not been ready for it to end, but wanted to show that he could respect the boundaries and not push for more then Yin was willing to give. "You do make me happy." He insisted. "And you will not lose me Yǐn Cáng." His voice may have sounded a little breathless, and slightly deeper then usual as his eyelids fluttered back open.

"And you do not always make me upset. If anything it's me that---never mind just...please remember that my happiness that I get to be with you far, far exceeds and outweighs anything else." And now he had something else to add to his small pile of worries. What if Yin forcing himself to do all of these things just for Alex's happiness began to have a very negative effect on the weremantis's feelings towards him? What if Yin began to resent him so much for it that he began to hate him for it? That was such an awful thought, but it was one that he couldn't help but have. He needed to be very very careful from now on, it seemed.

Yin had at some point moved up against him, probably when he had fallen backwards against the shelf but he wasn't quite sure, because his brain was feeling slightly muddled at the moment. He was still fighting to think through it, however, to try and explain to himself how they had gone from opposite ends of the room, with either he or Yin ready to run away, to this. Not that this was bad. No, it was pretty much exactly what Alex would have dreamed about, if he ever truly dreamed. But he assumed it was over now, that because Yin had pulled away that they were finished, because now he would likely feel that a quota had been filled, and some kind of obligation met. He was prepared for that, even if his wrists were now placed on Yin's shoulders.

The single word that Yin uttered had him frowning a little, a slightly confused expression on his face. Had he done something wrong again? But then Yin was whispering something else, and leaning in again. A command, and Alex was only to eager to give him what he asked for as realization lit up his eyes just before he closed them once more. He might have said something first, but speaking took time, and he didn't want to waste anytime talking when he could be doing this instead. His lips met Yin's again, head tilted slightly to the side, hands sliding around the back of his neck again, the fingers of one hand curling, running through the hair at the back of Yin's head. He was slightly more forceful this time, though not by much, his lips warming up against Yin's, then parting slightly, offering him more if he wanted to take it, but not necessarily expecting it. He wouldn't pull away, because it was for Yin to decide when he'd had enough, but he hoped it wouldn't be too soon.

Alex didn't want it to end, but of course, good things always did. How many kisses had this been now? Alex only wanted to really count the last two because, as YIn had seemed to figure out for himself, those last two had been different. More passionate, maybe, or perhaps it was just that Alex wasn't just kissing Yin, they were actually kissing each other. It was probably a good thing they were in such a cold room, because otherwise Alex's brain would have likely overheated and shorted out at this point. As Yin pulled away, the zomboil had to fight not to whimper, had to remind himself that he had just gotten much, much more then he had expected, and to not be greedy.

Yin was moving a little farther away from him now, which probably meant that this time, for sure, had been the last. That was a bittersweet thought, but for once Alex just opted to accept it, and not get disappointed by the revelation. His tongue slid out, running over his lips, and he could still feel the warmth on them, could still practically taste Yin. It was incredible, and all he could think about was how much he wanted to do it again, and just keep doing it, because for just the barest of instants, he almost felt as though maybe there was something there, that maybe Yin did feel something for him.

The zomboil sat up a little straighter, reaching up to push back the hair that had fallen into his eyes, studying the weremantis who was staring so intently at the floor now, no longer meeting his gaze.

"Why?" Alex asked, quietly, a small frown creasing his forehead even though he was smiling, a soft smile not at all like the face splitting grins he usually wore. He shifted more, leaning forward now, waiting for Yin to raise his eyes, fingers twitching with the need to reach over and lift his chin up.

"Oh." Right, that thing. Alex may have forgotten all about it, and now he felt bad for doing so. But kisses were taking things too far? Really? He chewed on his bottom lip while he pondered that. "Okay well, I guess...we won't do it again then. Not until you are ready?" He had a feeling that was going to be easier said then done. But really, how much longer of a wait could it be? Oh..wait..right...it depended on how many more times Yin molted before he sprouted some wings, and that could apparently still be a couple more. And the time in between was quite long.

Damn.

And Alex could understand what Yin meant by these kisses being different. He had felt it too, which only made saying that they would not do it anymore all the harder. Different had been good.

Well, he kept smiling, anyways, to show to Yin that he was okay with this, that he could be happy with it. Yin had proven above and beyond a shadow of a doubt what he was willing to do to keep Alex, to not lose him, and to make him happy. Alex needed to step up to the plate and make sure he kept Yin happy as well.

"Are you getting too cold? Do you want to maybe.." He racked his brain, trying to think of an activity Yin might enjoy that took them outside of this clean, but incredibly cold, bedroom. "..Go swimming in the hot springs? If we find one that isn't too hot, I could even join you in the water. And we can bring that pie that you brought."