I messed up. Big time. And every time I try to fix it, I mess up again. And again. And again.
This is going to be a rant, and I'll --in hope-- want to shred this later out of embarrassment, but I've got no one to talk to and this onslaught of stress holding me back. ...I have no idea what I'm doing. I came here to get away, make new friends, and figure out a few things. Unfortunately, the only things I've succeeded in are finding more things to figure out and hurting the people I thought I could befriend. I've watched people die, seen others who were willing to sacrifice everything, read things I wasn't supposed to, gotten fired (lol), misunderstood everyone, and honestly made nothing more than a fool of myself.
Yuri called me selfish, and though I know what he meant, I've tried to list all the ways I've been selfish, and it's just... [a few scratches] I've tried to go out of my way since I came here, and I'm biased of course, because I'm me, but my sins I can only attribute to stress. When everything unravelled, i was in complete an utter shock--too much bad at once, too many things to realize, too many mistakes to process. I freaked out at him and didn't bother to think about anyone else's feelings until after i had calmed down, but then it was way too late to even try. Stupid panic. I'm sure I did sound like a drama queen.
I'm an idiot, and new at this, but I'm trying. It's all I can do at this point, and I hope that when I see him again he'll see that...I'd really, really like to be back on his team. Since he's left, I've made arrangements to visit those children he introduced me and Lovey to back on Christmas Day. It's definitely out of my comfort zone (the neighborhood, anyway, when I'm by myself), but it's exactly like when I visited our charities back home. I love kids...they're wonderful, and it's nice to actually feel wanted by someone... I guess I'll keep doing little favors like I did before, too, though I don't think anyone will notice. That's not the point though--they don't have to notice.
On the flip side, Sera definitely didn't hesitate to rehash everything. I think she thought she was helping, and in hind site, I think she might have, a little. All she did was bolster what I had already thought out, but I needed to hear it from someone else... In any case, I won't be trying again with Luke, even though he seems like a great friend to have. Maybe one day I'll be able to make it up to him, but for now I'm just trying my best to stay out of his way. He's with Yuri now, traveling (like I was supposed to before I messed things up) the region--he needs it more than I do.
The good news is, I've caught a Pokemon now! It's embarrassing, that I'm twenty and just now learning to do these things, but better late then never? I guess? Rosie helped me figure things out, after I made a fool of myself trying the first time. She's really sweet, and I hate to admit it, but I'm so jealous. She seems to have the life I did back home--friends, purpose, joy, people that care about her that she can care for in return. I don't think she has much faith in me, given the way we interacted (she's younger, but for some reason I just feel so small around her), but I can't blame her at all. She's got a full life, with people she cares about that need her more than I do. They're lucky people, to all have each other.
But hey! At least I have my team! Thierry is terrified of me--but I'm starting to think he's scared of everything, even though he's seriously a little powerhouse. I watched him run the other day, and he's gorgeous. Trill is...a mystery to me still. I'm scared to take it out of the house...but it needs room to explore and get a grip on things--though it's definitely not alone in that. Sparky and Lovey are loyal as always.
I have made one significant fix--I think-- when it comes to humans. I finally....finally got to talk to Roka. A serious, no holding back talk, and though I left crying-- because ouch. Even though I held my tongue on some things, he had some valid points-- but I also left smiling. There are a lot of things I doubt I'll ever tell him--things he doesn't need to know to be happy. I'm just glad he's finally doing what he wants, even if he does seem to have some regrets. Maybe one day we'll see eye to eye, even if he claims we won't.
At this point, I'm willing to try anything. But I've messed up so badly, I doubt I'll get the chance.
I'll keep looking though. Hope is all you can have, and the people here aren't mean. I've just got a lot to make up for, and a purpose to find.
Posted: Wed May 22, 2013 11:54 pm
"Changing direction in life is not tragic. Losing passion in life is." -Max Lucado
(WIP) Coming home from Kanto had been harder than she had thought it would be.
Though the scenery was welcomed with open arms, and the peace of her home even more so, Dove had forced herself to at least try to go about as usual...though she found it exceptionally hard to do with the limitations forced upon her by recent events. While her body ached, she allowed herself little extra time to sleep in late, unable to keep herself calm enough when she awoke each morning. She was restless, and but tired, and wanted for nothing else but normalcy... which she knew she wouldn't be getting any time soon.
Team Rocket had done not only a number on her physical health, but had opened her eyes even more to the dangers she hadn't even thought real in her world until just a year ago....
“Who are you?” she asked the reflection in the mirror, her eyes low, gaze again resting on the jagged stripes along her sides.
The events of the previous night played on loop in her head:
Danced… flirted… kissed…
Brought him home… let him in…. … …
When he had risen afterward, her heart had skipped, but when it was clear he had no intentions of leaving just let, she relaxed and slipped into a T-shirt three sizes too big, before settling back into the bed to wait for him. When he returned, and asked if he should stay, she turned her head.
It was late, she had said, and unwilling to have him out in the dark on his own so early in the morning, she pulled aside the sheets and silently asked him to stay…
Lonely… was she so lonely?
She had, at least, found some sort of camaraderie in a few of the other trainers, though she still couldn’t find herself to be one hundred percent comfortable with them, even after—or especially after—what had happened in travels abroad. While it was pathetic to admit, and she couldn’t even form the right words to describe it to herself, and though her actions were what she would consider publicly shameful… it had been incredible, to finally feel wanted, if only for a night and for such petty reasons.
Her face paled.
He had held her, an affection all previous experience had taught her was only a ploy for the emotion in movies, though deep down, she knew inspiration had to come from someplace real. As he drifted to sleep behind her, she closed her eyes, ignoring the few small tears that escaped from beneath her eyelashes that told her she was wrong for enjoying his warmth.
She hung her head and pushed her hair back, refusing to tear up at all as she escaped onto her balcony, the sky startlingly clear and calm, unlike the inside of her head. It had been her decision to do what she had done, and though the idea was morbid, she still almost reeled from the fact it had been entirely her choice. It was better, she thought, to have at least had the control to be able to stop something for once, and while it did bother her, now that he was gone, she wouldn’t let herself regret it.
Would she? …At least not out loud. No.
She had woken as he shifted, though she hadn’t slept as much as she wished she could have. Hazy eyes, drugged by sleep, lifted to him, and within no time, after an innocent parting, her bed was cold once more.
She bent, and pressed her head to the railing, her arms crossed loosely over her head. What she had once held precious had been ripped from her long ago, and though she had desperately clung to every bit of value she thought remained in it—at least, as much as she could muster, in the hell she had found herself in—she had chosen to hand it out so freely…
On a whim… With so little outward consequence…
And yet the contrast was blinding. Passion that she had searched for, while not exact, was much more vividly present with this man she had brought home. Care she hadn’t known was possible and hadn’t found at all in her ex lover’s arms, administered by a stranger.
To call Damien abusive… even in thought…
She let the very idea of it drop, unwilling to think about it, unwilling to think about him even in her solitude, and instead switched to a different thought. What did Abel think of her now? Surely, he thought little of her. Just some girl, easy to pick out and easy to take home—no one to take seriously. The thought made her stomach churn, and she ran a hand through her hair, gripping it a little more firmly than usual as she again pressed for the next mental inquiry, staring at the marks on her presently unbandaged arm.
He could have been anyone, and there was little comfort in the fact that she had at least met him before, most familiarity was gained through text, not even in person… She guessed her own face value meant very little, now, at best, anyway.
No.
She lifted her head, deciding then and there that this—this lifestyle-- was her own consequence, her own decision, her own fault if the heavy feeling persisted. Unlike current tragedies that she had little control over, this she had chosen. It had been her choice to come to this region… to escape the bindings of home and a terrible pact. To be faced with terrors she had never bothered to imagine, or prepare herself to face. Sleeping with a man she had just met had been her own predilection.
The discrepancy she felt in moral was her own infliction, and it wasn’t half as bad as being trapped by forces outside her control.
These were nothing like the scars in her flesh or the chain she had worn around her neck.
It hadn’t killed her. It hadn’t even hurt her, she decided.
In fact, it had been a little fun. She wasn’t going to be defenseless.
She wasn’t defenseless.
She wasn’t weak.
She was fine.
. . .
That night, a simple text asking of her wellbeing would pull her from her journaling, to which she replied with no hesitation:
I wasn’t really sure what to expect when Kazuki showed up earlier today. He says he’s taking me to Kalos, a region that’s just opened up it’s borders to most of the rest of the world.
I won’t lie...I’m absolutely thrilled that he’s actually come to take me somewhere for my birthday, though it does, of course, mean I have to go home at the end of the week. My parents are throwing a ball, and because it’s my 21st birthday, I know I shouldn’t be surprised. I’d already resolved to go visit them after everything that’s happened anyway, so I suppose I’m more prepared than I would have been before… It’s just daunting to think about speaking with them, /especially/ after everything that’s happened without their knowing. Kazuki has been filled in, of course, but mother and father… I’m not sure how they’ll respond. At least Kazuki is willing to look at things from my point of view. It’s nice that he inherited grandfather’s level-headedness.
She looked up for a moment, taking in the view of the ocean around her, her ears trained on the trill of Kazuki’s music as he played the ocarina she had bought for him at Poke’Con. It was calming, and her worry for the rest of the week seemed to fade a little as she listened, content for now, and safe.
...I’ve called Yuri, and he’s house-sitting for me for the week. I hope my team doesn’t give him any trouble. Sparky, Lovey, and Diana are with me, of course, but it seemed odd to bring the others… I’ll have to look for something for him, a souvenir of sorts, to repay him. I left the cabinets stocked with sweets, though, so he should be able to survive the week. I hope.
Eventually, the pair would arrive in the unfamiliar region, and further along the line, in Lumiose City, in which they would spend the majority of their time, sight seeing, shopping, enjoying the cafes and sounds and lights. The pokemon were different here, adorable, some of them, and while fond, the woman refrained from purchasing or attempting to catch any--she was sure, absolutely sure, she would return at some point.
...I’ve finally returned to my room for the night. This city is stunning-- reminiscent of Paris. I can’t believe how big everything is, and how fashionable… The pokemon are stunning, at least, the few that I’ve seen so far. The Sylveon here seem to have fascinated Lovey, and I wonder if she’s thinking about wanting to evolve. I guess only time will tell, though I will by no means stop her if that’s her choice. They’re adorable creatures, and fairy types, I would assume, would be a wonderful addition to my team. I’ve not bought too much, surprisingly. Kazuki did buy me a dress to wear this weekend, and I’ve bought a few outfits and pieces (including a gift for Yuri and the pokemon at home. Thank goodness). We leave tomorrow…
During the times in which Kazuki was busy with meetings, the girl would lose herself--sometimes literally-- among the people and shops and cafes, soaking in every bit of the joy of adventure that she could, knowing it would end all too fast. The week, she was sure, would be enough to bolster her, but by the time she had boarded the boat to Sinnoh, she was no longer quite as positive. Home was no longer a city below her feet. The people here were powerful, even in their ignorance, and her parents, to her, were absolutely nothing to sneeze at. She wasn't even sure they could ever understand unless dragged into her new world.
The anxiety began to chip away at her nerves, making her anxious once more, as she was dragged back into theirs.
------
10/19
Well… I’m home, though to be honest, it feels nothing like home anymore. It seems like no one has touched the things I left, and it’s all so very...surreal. Mother and Father were...welcoming, in a strained sort of way. We arrived late tonight, so ‘unfortunately’ we weren't’ able to talk at great length, but they’ve asked that I meet with them tomorrow. As much as I love them, I’m terrified, and really wish I wasn’t alone right now...I want nothing more than my apartment, and, yes, as much as I /shouldn’t/ admit it, the company I left there.
Sitting alone in her bedroom, she looked around, drawing the sheets up closer to her chest as she set the journal aside. It was colder here than she imagined,much colder than she had remembered, even with her eevees at her side and mother’s ninetails at her feet. She wasn’t sure whether to attribute that to the atmosphere or her fear of the day to come.
--
10/20
The day turned out much worse than she could have ever imagined, so much so that she couldn’t bring herself to record the day’s events in her journal.
The beginning of the meeting had gone as she had expected. She stood before her parents, her arms at her sides and fists clenched as she did her best not to run.
“...Yes, a smaller apartment in--no, it’s actually a bit larger than what I need for myself, but I have people who…”
“Team Rocket, yes… They--.....--no, mother, you don’t understand, It was an organized--”
“Yes, a full team, and more.”......”Sparky, Lovey, her daughter--an eevee-- Diana, a Rapidash, espeon, arcanine, Togepi, Liepard, and...a mew.”
“Yes, a mew….”
After countless questions--and an absolute lambasting for the new scars on her back, including a bit of forceful maneuvering to look her over that sent aches throughout her still recovering body-- and stern looks, her mother shook her head, stepping back around from her husband’s side to perch at the edge of the desk, her arms crossed over her chest. “You understand, Tori, that this cannot continue. We allowed you to leave, no questions, under the impression that you would return shortly and in...one piece,” she sighed, giving her daughter another once over. A hand was held up in silent demand that her daughter remain quiet as Dove opened her mouth to speak. “We are /now/ under the impression that life in this.../Kodo/ has done you nothing but harm. Your fiance certainly was concerned…”
At this, the younger woman refused. “Mother, you understand I want nothing to do with him anym--”
“I understand that life overseas has completely warped whatever image you held in your mind of home and the things you were taught growing up. Refusing to contact your family more than once a month, diving recklessly into battles that do not concern you, involving yourself with such common people, building up a team of pokemon that I’m sure you don’t even know how to command--”
“You know nothing of my team and very little about my life since I left here,” she bit, her nails biting into her palms. “And I won’t sit by, especially not now after making plans to study--”
“You are correct, though that will no longer be a problem. You are to stay here with your fiance and go through with things as planned. We’ve chosen a date for the wedding and everything, just so you wouldn’t have to worry about it in such a...fragile state,” her mother said with pity in her tone, though she quickly picked up a slightly bubblier voice, as if attempting to make things more hopeful. “With any luck, you’ll make a full recovery, both physically and mentally. I’ve already booked counseling with Dr. Pierce--”
“Absolutely not,” came the hushed reply as the panic boiled in her stomach. “I refuse.”
Her father lifted his head, setting aside the pen with which he had been scribbling. “Dear...Mr. Drake expressed his concern upon his return from his meeting with Kaiba… he very clearly restated his unwaning desire for your hand, and you’ve never before doubted him before. He’s very worried about your well being, and though he couldn’t make it today, I’m sure he’s looking forward to your ball tonigh--”
“I said no,” she hissed, shaking her head. “I would sooner give my life away to a complete stranger than marry him. I don’t care what the arrangements were or who he thinks he is or what I thought we were, but I will not marry him.”
Her mother’s gaze matched the heat of her slowly flaring temper. “You would part with comfort and safety for the rest of your life? What’s gotten into you…” She shook her head, concern seeping through the anger toward her disobedient child. “You have been engaged to this man for well over a year now, and involved with him for much longer than that. You’ve always been happy with him and we have numerous witnesses to attest to it, all of whom are expecting your wedding-- overjoyed even, to attend. You do realize talk like this would absolutely devastate not only Damien but also his entire family. They’ve been our closest friends for ages, and for you to so suddenly abandon your dreams and a happy life--”
“I will not marry an abusive jerk, mother!” Her teeth clenched almost painfully as the words escaped, and she lowered her gaze in the silence that followed.
“Tori…! her mother snapped, straightening from the table’s edge and startling the regally posed Ninetails in the corner.
Tears welled at the corners of her eyes as she, again, shook her head. “I will not marry someone who treats me the way that….monster did. I absolutely refuse in every way humanly possible.”
Her father’s brow knit deeply as he looked to his wife, then again to his daughter. “That’s a terrible accusation, Tori, especially since we’ve known him since he was young. He’s never shown you anything but kindness and promise, as he has to the rest of us, even in your absence. To stoop to such a level of accusation is--”
“--Absolutely ridiculous. Clearly your appointments should be rescheduled for a nearer time…” A look of sadness crossed her mother’s eyes. “What has that place done to you?” she asked, reaching forward to tip her daughter’s face back up to her.
Still frozen under the words that she had hung in the air, the girl only turned her head away from her mother’s touch, fighting back tears. She couldn’t be so weak in front of her parents, and she certainly wouldn’t be subjected to some psychologist searching for such a nonexistent issue. She didn’t want to pursue it any further...she didn’t want to think about it at all, and though she had told them point blank, she didn’t want to try to say it again. Never in the years through which they had dated had she said a word… She had gone above and beyond to do things for him, displaying every sign of a happy and dedicated girlfriend. Even after leaving, she had attempted to appease him…
“There’s someone else...” she attempted weakly, her eyes on the floor.
Her mother’s gaze returned, her cheeks still flushed after her daughter’s outlandish accusation. “Yes, he did mention something about your...strange company. You’ve been gone so long, and you’ve always been so innocently affectionate. Damien was absolutely heartbroken and very apologetic toward us about not being able to spend more time with you, but given his schedules and the meetings both here and there, I’m afraid he couldn’t--”
“I don’t want to marry him, mother. I won’t,” she reiterated, anger slowly welling. Damien had lied. Why, after she had made it so clear, was he still bent on controlling her? Damn him! Heartbroken and apologetic… he had always been better at controlling his emotions. A flood of the memory came rushing back all at once, her standing on a beach, the scars on her sides blazing as he had stripped the sweater from her hands, making her vulnerable once more. The words he had spat at Yuri. How it had felt to throw her necklace into the ocean.
“Why would you not? Damien has graduated top of his class twice now and is guaranteed a high position in the world. He’s dedicated, and refined, and passionate, just as you are. Handsome and popular, not only amongst those his age, but also those of us a bit further along in life… what else could you possibly wish for, Tori? Sure, he isn’t the best with children or pokemon, but what does that matter when you could make up the difference, hm? He is safe and will be able to protect you, financially, physically...mentally, once you’ve been sorted out and have time to relax.” Her mother shook her head, reaching back to calm the anxious fire type behind her. “You claim him to be controlling, but the signs don’t add up at all. I’m sure there are counselors we could interview with if you insist on continuing with such a li--”
Steeling herself, she faced her parents again, avoiding her mother’s gaze. “I will not marry Damien Drake, and you cannot make me. I’d sooner renounce the family name,” she struggled, regretting the idea the moment it left her lips.
Silence pierced the room as her mother turned to look at her father, shaking her head, clearly exasperated with the entire situation.
Finally, her mother spoke again. “Alright, if that’s how you feel…” She stepped quietly around the desk, to her husband’s side. “This...someone else,” she bit, her gaze steady and sharp. “If you cannot give yourself to someone we all know and trust, so be it. You’ll be married by the end of the year, to someone who can appropriately care for you in Kodo and that we approve of, or you’ll return and go through with the wedding as planned. I’ll even plan it for you. This uncertainty is ridiculous.”
Dove shook her head, a look of confusion and irritation on her face, not believing it for one moment. “What? No, that’s--”
“Tori, listen to your mother. Damien is a good man, from a family of good standing, a family that’s very close to our own and has been since before either of you were born. If you can prove to us that there is someone in Kodo that will take care of you as well as he could, and loves you more than what Damien has already proven, so be it. If you are unsuccessful, you will either come back to where it is safe and marry the man you had already chosen, or you will be cut off. This is absolutely dishonorable, and I will not tolerate your behavior. It is most unbecoming of a woman of your standing, and I will not have our family look so...out of control, nor will I allow you to publicly put yourself in such danger again. You may think your actions admirable, but it is not your place.” The ultimatum was given, the words solid and clear, her parents comfortable knowing there would be no alternative, giving it no second thoughts.
The next hour would be spent in debate, a forcing of words through her throat that were dashed and dismissed by the powers resolute. They would not be disobeyed nor challenged. Clearly their daughter was only traumatized by such a poisonous atmosphere, and the accusations she continued to give were absolutely outstanding, furthering her mother’s temper and her own, until, finally, the girl bowed her head and left, closing the door behind her.
I have time… I’ll figure this out… The charities… the fight against Rocket… supporting herself… her family… her friends… life… Kodo and her team...
Her time before the party would be spent in panic, her journal filled with lists and ideas, scratched out and then tossed aside, pen and all. She would talk to them again. Somehow, she would prove what a terrible person he was, even if she had to out herself and explain the mask she had worn for years. Her brother would fight for her, right? Surely she could open their eyes.
She had time…
-----
The party, while stunning, was suffocating in a way that appeared to affect no one else, and after a frightening spell, the girl retired to her room, slipping away from the stuffy crowd as quickly as she could and burying herself in her room and panic, ready to hide until morning, ignoring the gentle whining of her mother’s pokemon outside her door.
---
The moment her feet had touched the shore's of Kodo, Dove had made a slow beeline for her home, one step at a time until she reached the hotel. Each step was taken slowly, her bags packed carefully and their wait incomparable to the weight on her shoulders.
Kalos had been amazing, but home... Sinnoh...
With a slight shifting of bags, the girl let herself into the apartment, absolutely exhausted, then proceeded to step inside, allowing Lovey past her feet and through the door before she turned to lean against it, shutting it with a heavy click as she closed her eyes, tilted her head back, and laid her weight against the door, the bags sliding off of her arms to the floor unceremoniously. This was so much more home than home had been, and the small tears that built up under her lashes were proof enough for herself. Her eyes would remain shut tight until footsteps approached and a set of arms opened to fall into.
The trio had finally been allowed to leave, after being questioned about and cleaned up from the experience, though really, it had been mostly Henrietta and herself that were given immediate attention. Jace was seen to by one of the women nearby, until the others were ready to receive him and head toward town, both for which Dove was more than eager.
When they had arrived, she had insisted on following the responders to the hospital, and upon their arrival there, they had been gently turned away, encouraged to find somewhere to stay and given a bounty of recommendations. Having visited the city before, and knowing there was little to no hope that they would allow them to see him in the next few hours, she acquiesced and numbly went about the task of finding a safe place for the children and herself to stay for however long a term it would be before they were able to return home.
Once reasonably settled into their temporary treehouse abode and given the time to calm a little after a barely touched meal, she had found herself back at the hospital again, this time waiting outside a glass door, and having experienced both perspectives, she decided that it was one thousand times worse being on the outside looking in.
The doctors had attempted to explain everything to her as best they could, and she nodded her false understanding every so often, though there was little understanding to be had at all. All she could comprehend was the fact that Yuri had nearly died, and she had barely been able to do anything about it. Even worse, she had hurt him before, and had waited so long to apologize, unable to work up the courage, that she had very nearly almost lost the opportunity to do so altogether.
Alone, she pressed her elbows into her knees, her head hanging in her hands and her hair draped like a curtain over her shoulders as she waited for the nurses to leave the room. He was in critical care, but stable, and that was the best she could wish for at the moment.
Now late into the evening, the lights had begun to dim, and normal visiting hours grew slimmer with each passing moment--vaguely, she wondered what the policies were here, given the intensive care he was under. Things seemed to be slowing down, and few people were left in the hall with her to wait, aside from the passing nurses and doctors every so often.
She hated the smell of hospitals.
As footsteps approached and her name was spoken, she stiffly returned to an upright position, looking quietly up at the nurse that had been sent to retrieve her.
“Miss Dove, I’m afraid that because of the medications he won’t be able to respond, but if you’d like, you’re more than welcome to see him now.”
Numbly, the younger woman nodded, then rose to her feet, slowly passing the staff woman as she held open the door, other hand loosely gripping a clipboard she would soon return to a doctor someplace down the hallway. With some word of self dismissal that Dove barely heard, the woman left, and she was left alone in the room.
Each clipped cry of the heart monitor felt like needles in her chest as she looked upon the man laying silently before her, and she felt little other than that as she made her way to a chair next to his bed and carefully sat, as if the entire scene might vanish at any point, a nightmare fleeing from hoped reality.
However, nothing vanished, and for a long time, she simply sat and stared, completely unmoving, settling further and further into the torpor spurred on by overwhelming emotion now suppressed by the unimaginable fear saying that if she were to act, things would only get worse. She watched in silence as his chest rose and fell, amazed at the slightest hint of movement. The cutting beeping of the heart monitor slowly turned into chimes of a miracle the longer she stayed, resisting an inner maelstrom of thought and feeling as she tried to sort through the chaos of everything that had happened.
The brokenness of the man in front of her wasn’t right. He was supposed to be the strong one, the right one… He didn’t deserve this, and though she didn’t know the situation in its fullness, she couldn’t help the onslaught of suffocating guilt. Her best hadn’t been enough, and he had nearly died under her care… It was irrational but she refused to believe she had done all she could-- if she had studied harder, had been smarter, faster… anything to keep him from this.
To make matters worse, she had called him a monster in a heated, vicious moment of weakness, and though he had said nothing more, his silence had been more than enough to prove to her that she had hurt him… deeply.
She had managed to hurt him, in her recklessness.
The mental list continued as she let herself be absorbed by it: Tymiko was still missing… How things had come to this was still a mystery. She had utterly failed to keep Jace safe, even after assuring the young boy’s parents that she would do everything within her power to bring him home safe and happy-- just a pokemon journey. They had trusted her. He had trusted her. Henrietta had trusted her, and instead of protecting her from the gore, she had drawn her into it, unable to handle things by herself. Though it was ridiculous to think she could do it all, and she knew it, she couldn’t allow herself to believe it with a clear conscious.
Yuri had nearly died in her arms, painfully, and she bitterly found herself wishing ill on the person who had given the phrase its romantic undertone. Nothing about the way things had unfolded was romantic in the slightest, even if removed and given the setting of a tragic novel.
Finally finding the strength to move, she leaned forward and took his hand between both of hers, her fingers trembling as she pressed her lips to the backs of his fingers. He was warmer now… so much warmer than he had been on the banks where she had found him. His skin was pale, still paler than normal, but the ghastly look had started to disappear. Closing her eyes, she clung to him and remained still, praying that somehow, she could atone for this.
After a while, hardly even aware of her actions, she leaned back a little, though she kept her hands around his, silent tears creeping down her cheeks as she fought the constricting of her throat.
Finally, in a broken cross between a whimper and a whisper, she spoke.
“Yuri… Please… I-I… I can’t do this… ...Please…”
A harsh swallow.
“Y-You’ve done more for me than a-anyone I’ve ever met…. and I’ve never deserved any of it, a-and--and I’ve never given you anything in return…please...”
The words grew a little easier as she finally let her walls fall to pieces, bit by bit, though her voice never came above a shaking breath.
“I’ve met s-so many people, people that I-I thought were... beautiful treasures because I was so blind. ‘Good’ people, kn-nights in shining armor, p-polished a-and r-rich and… a-and then I met you and-- God, you’re not a monster Yuri! I-I’ve met monsters… The kings I-I knew took off their crowns and became beasts behind closed doors…a-and I couldn’t see that until I met you…Y-you’ve never been like that… Y-You’ve never been a monster...”
She paused, taking a few deep, shaky breaths as she wiped her eyes on her shoulders awkwardly, never letting go of his hand.
“I know you can’t hear me now…b-but I-I’m sorry: for calling you a monster, for being such a pampered little twit…f-for not being able to do anything e-else for you…for keeping things from you...”
A longer pause took precedence this time, sharp with a weak, misplaced half-skip in her breath when she finally spoke up again.
“I…. I love you, Yuri… I-I don’t know… t-to what extent…o-or if it will ever be a-anything…more to either of us... b-but I know losing you would mean losing everything I need….It’s selfish… b-but you can’t go…I’m sorry… I-I’m so sorry.”
With that, she fell silent, letting the tears fall and the sniffles break the quietness of the room and the tempo of the machines around them. There was more to be said… so much more, so many more heartbreaking things to admit that might never be said, but knowing he was asleep and unable to hear her stilled her tongue. There would be other chances… there had to be other chances, even as impossible as it was.
Carefully, she laid his hand back across his middle as it had been, though one of her own stayed loosely over it, still gripping it as if breaking the contact between them would mean a sudden change in vital status.
Eventually, she found herself speaking again, this time quieter, more calm as the walls began to build up again, her subconscious telling her she had to be strong when she returned to Henrietta and Jace. What she said would be the last of her confession--however muddled by confusion it was-- to slip through for now, even if tainted by an unconfident smoke.
“Y-you know… those birds we heard… that night…with the sunset?” She felt herself calming a little as the memory surfaced amidst the panic. “I-I know what they are now… Th-The kids, they… they caught two of them--swablu… They want to show you…” A sad smile crossed her face. Surely he would be okay for them… he had to be okay for them. “When this is all over… when you’re well enough, I mean...we’ll get them to sing for you…”
“Miss Dove?”
She drew her gaze up as the nurse re-entered the room, another behind her who moved to check his vitals again. Blankly, she waited.
“You need your rest just as much as he does,” she suggested, her voice calm and friendly, but firm all the same. Her time with him for now was up, and Dove nodded, then looked to him again. Slowly, she released his hand, reaching up to lightly brush his bangs away from his face as she looked him over one last time. “I’ll be back tomorrow…” she said quietly, finally stepping away from his side, her chest cold once more.
The nurse watched her, unsure if the words were meant for herself or the patient. Nodding just in case they were intended for her, she slowly closed the door behind them and directed the woman back to the waiting room, respecting the silence that followed.
