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 Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 12:29 am
Jerry chewed his lip a moment, finally plucking out a few notes as though it helped him digest Jordan's words.
Maybe it did.
The cheerful little tones certainly kept him calm.
"I tried to reason with him. Countless times. You know I did, even if you didn't approve of how I tried."
His brows knit for a moment before he shook his head.
"Bonded with our weapons like we are... we aren't really human anymore. Not really. But... as far as I see it... what keeps us human, what separates us from the creatures we fight, the creatures that kill us without a second thought, is our values, our judgment, our compassion, our core humanity. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it'll get me killed one day. But I'd rather die with my values intact. If what that man does is what it takes to be a 'good sun', a good soldier, normal and expected behavior, maybe I don't belong here."
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 12:32 am
Jordan mulled that over for a few moments. Then he said, "Four months after we woke up, if you'd gone into dissociative fugue and turned Roar on the wrong target, what would I have done?"
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 12:40 am
"Don't you dare compare me to that," Jerry hissed, eyes now darting up to Jordan with a dark, twisted expression, "I got help. I listened when the people I respected and trusted told me I needed it. That man, that CREATURE doesn't care. He LIKES being miserable. He doesn't respect anyone. I've tried being friendly, I've tried being supportive, I've tried being aggressive. I've tried being passive. I've tried REASONING, I've tried pleading, I've tried writing a... a... a god damn SONG for him. He doesn't WANT help, Jordan. Not from me, not from you, not from anyone. He's looking out for himself and that's it. You don't see it because he's tricked you into thinking.... I don't even know. But one day he'll hurt you. I know I'm the last person you want to hear this from. I know you'll probably just... dismiss whatever I have to say. I know no one takes me seriously. I know you probably... value him a lot more than you should but... I care about you Jordan. I know things got.... m-messed up between us. Awkward. But please... please don't just dismiss this. He's going to take himself down one day and I'm terrified he's going to take you with him."
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 12:53 am
"He wants help. He doesn't know how to accept it. When it's over, when it's too late, he regrets it," Jordan said. "I do take you seriously. I'd have to be blind not to see his flaws. Maybe I am, maybe you're right." He swallowed hard. "I can't - not give him one more chance. Under all that aggression and bullshit, I see a person who's very lonely, very afraid, too proud and too broken to ask for help, even though he knows he built his own box and shut himself in."
He folded his arms more tightly, defensive and insecure. "I'm not - I can't abandon him. It's not who I am. If I'm wrong ... if I'm wrong the problem will get taken care of and I won't get a say, won't get a chance to help or - or even to say goodbye. I didn't plan on this, I don't know how to deal with feeling all this. How do you function when - " His voice broke and he stopped to breathe deeply, ducking his head so that his hair fell over his eyes. "How do you function when you can't control what you feel? I've. I don't know how."
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 1:09 am
Jerry glanced up at the sound of that falter in Jordan's voice, his brows lifting and furrowing with concern.
He scooted over on the bed, motioning for Jordan to come sit. "I don't know how I function when I can control how I feel," He smiled softly, biting his lip before shaking his head, "We're all still human, Jordan. I don't know how you've kept yourself together so well through... through everything. I envied you for a long time. But... but I also worried." He said quietly. "I know I... I go to you a lot and... you... you know you can talk to me, right? If you need to?" What did he need to talk to unstable Jerry for when he had Harrison and Robert and countless others? He didn't say that thought out loud. "I know I'm not... the most um. Together guy but. But I hope you trust me."
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 1:18 am
Jordan shrugged one shoulder, not looking up. "Someone has to keep it together and get through it," he said quietly. "If everyone breaks, it'll all fall apart. Someone has to start it. Keep it going. Look like everything's fine so everyone else can tell themselves it's fine and pull it together long enough to get through it so it can be okay."
He pushed off the doorframe and moved over to the bed, sitting down and rubbing his hands over his face. "I'm used to it," he said into his hands. "I can handle it. You guys don't have to pick it up, that's why I step up, so you don't have to." A small, hitching breath. "I just want to be a little happy when everyone's not looking at me. That's all." He laughed bitterly. "s**t, I'm sorry. You don't need this on top of all you've got to deal with. I should - I should go."
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 1:31 am
"A really smart man I respect once told me something that really did help," Jerry watched Jordan carefully. "He said, 'We're all some sort of crazy here.' And he was right. You don't need to feel nothing all the time for us to look up to you. I'm sorry for... for making things more difficult." He looked away again, down to his socks, "You shouldn't have to carry the burden of... of everyone. I just.. don't really have anyone else. A lot of people look up to you, but I don't think any of them would fault you for... you know. Being limited. Being human. You're still the best Sun trainee de-podded. Even if you have absolutely crummy taste in men."
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 1:39 am
"I'm angry at him. Furious," Jordan said. "But I can't say that, because who's going to care that I care?" He sighed. "There's a lot of us who don't have anyone. Who still need someone. When I see that, how can I not reach out? Even a little? I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to let you down."
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 1:57 am
"You never have," Jerry's voice was still quiet, "And I doubt you ever will. I don't think it's possible." He mulled for a moment, lips pursed again as he picked at the ukulele again, although the song wasn't quite as merry, "I worry more about letting you down. I want to help. I want to be a good friend to you." He wanted to tell him drop Rep like a bad habit. Save Jordan from the inevitable violent end the ginger was just bound to bring.
A pot calling the kettle black.
He couldn't. For some unknown reason, Jordan loved Rep. Maybe he was just drawn to broken people. Maybe he thought he could single-handedly fix the world. "You.. you know you can't really help other people with their problems unless you tend to your own first. I know that first hand."
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 12:20 pm
"You are a good friend. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. All that's happened ... things wouldn't have had to get weird if I'd just been able to keep my stupid mouth shut." Ferros stirred in wordless concern as Jordan rubbed his thumb over the band of the ring.
He nodded a little, admitted ruefully, "It's hard when dealing with your problems means having to admit you have them."
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 2:02 pm
Jerry shifted again, his face flushing a bit, "But... I mean... if you hadn't... you know... told me. Then it would have just made things worse. I'm glad things ar... you know... clear in that regard. I'm sorry it turned out the way it did."
He pursed his lips again before glancing up, "Relationships are absolutely over complicated." Especially when mad-men were involved.
He still wasn't sure what he should be feeling. Jordan was entitled to feel the way he did, but letting go, forgiving, moving forward would not stop his nightmares.
Nor would beating a dead horse.
"Have.... you ever played a ukulele before?"
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 2:14 pm
"It's okay," Jordan said. "Thanks for - you know, being cool about it." Still embarrassed, still embarrassing. He smiled, a small twitch of a smile. "People are complicated," he agreed.
Jerry had calmed, at least, seemed to understand a little better; if nothing else, Jordan thought, Jerry was kind enough or polite enough to respect what he felt. It was a courtesy he was deeply grateful for. The problem was still there, would remain until it could solve itself, but at least they weren't at each others' throats over it. "I've messed around with Tia's guitar, but stringed instruments aren't my forte," he offered, his smile widening just slightly with the pun.
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 8:10 pm
Quite happy to talk about something else, something safe, something fun Jerry suddenly thrust the little instrument into Jordan's hands, beaming at him brighter than he had in a long, long time, "It's quite easy! Especially if you have a little guitar experience! Since there's just three strings to tend to, ahahaha, here, just put two fingers here and.... and your middle finger there and try strumming!"
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 8:27 pm
"That requires coordination," Jordan protested, mostly joking. He followed the instructions; the little instrument produced a sound that wasn't horrible. "Hey, a real chord. Better than piano lessons ever produced."
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 8:35 pm
"Okay now, remember that one but move down a fret and put one fingers across those three strings there-" Jerry leaned in to point.
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