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 Posted: Sat Jul 28, 2012 11:28 am
(ami here, just on the mule)
what i mentioned about his 'speech pattern' is the alternating LOUD and QUIET that IS gamzees WAY of TALKING when HE'S nuts. again, it's very much a gamzee thing and seems a little strange on your fantroll :')
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Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2012 12:44 pm
Gamzee does it line by line, actually. ;u;
Fletch's is word BY word. c:
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2014 4:10 pm
Oh my god. I went to crit Fletch’s application and for some ungodly reason (even though I read the crits after the application) I didn’t see his kid application until afterwards. So, I’m going to go through this critique as I wrote it and change it based upon what I see you’ve added and changed now. You can take my critique on his teen form as well, but obviously if it’s changed due to having a new application then that’s also fine. The old/teen stuff is grey - comments that I've made after reading his kid stage are in black. Quote:
Hi Kyle! Thank you so much for your patience. Let’s get started!
So, I have three big things to get started with before I get into the crit. First, the Homestuck style intro makes it tough to read and crit your quest. Because it’s in second-person, it’s not as comfortable to read as what we’re used to in third-person format. It also speaks from the second-person narrative, which makes it harder to tell if the aspects that your troll is being described with are accurate. Since you’ve already written out this quest many, many moons ago and it wasn’t previously mentioned, it’s not a problem. Just for the future! <- Something to note!
The other thing is the elephant in the room: Fletch is very, very reminiscent of Gamzee. You’ve gotten two critiques from Ami about this, and you’ve made minor changes. But here’s the thing: you haven’t changed these traits to make them pull away from Gamzee and make them unique to Fletch, you’ve just recolored them so that they’re not word-for-word Gamzee-isms. You’ll need to pull away from these identifiable symbols, because honestly? They’re not that important to who Fletch is as a character. Upon reading his kid application, I have to say that he reads much better– you’re starting to develop more reasons why he does things and he has room to grow. I encourage you to push him further.
The third is: due to the events of the most recent meta, OHC is no longer the same city as it once was! So sorry that he got caught up in the mess, but you will need to consider that when you look at his profile. Everything will still be relevant but you should consider where he lives after the conflict and how it has affected him. Since he’s a purpleblood it’s reasonable that he may not need to have moved, but it’s something to add in to his profile none the less. <- This is still a thing! Note this please.
Okay, crit time.
First thing I’d like to point out is his gender section. Being genderqueer is absolutely fine, but it’s not relevant to mention painting your nails/wearing dresses when talking about gender. If he chooses to do these things when he is expressing himself as another gender, then that’s fine, but since you don’t mention it the wording of gender = outward appearance is a bit confusing and could be problematic. Also, he’s a clown! Doesn’t he always paint his face? This part you’ve solidified into him not identifying either way – I’m not sure now if I should refer to Fletch as male so you might want to clarify that for people who would like to RP with him. I’ll keep using he/him pronouns because that seems to be his identity as a teen (unless you’d prefer otherwise of course!), but again – this is where the second-person format gets a bit tough. I appreciate the lack of mentioning of dresses here :>
Personality section!
Even though all of the adult trolls in the space fleet perished, that doesn’t mean that there are no on-world subjugglators left! Since their job is to control the population on Alternia, it’s reasonable that there are still some left. This isn’t an issue in his kid form. I much appreciate the insight to Fletch seeing the juggalos as a community, and this section reads much stronger than before.
His hobbies and personality are solid here, and I’m liking the appreciation for color and life and how it goes back to his religion. The only thing that irks me is the insinuation that, again, he has no reason for being drawn to violence other than the little voice in the back of his head. It’s clearly going to become an issue with how it’s being described and you should cover it at some point during the application. As staff it’s important to make sure that radical character changes are viable, and since his violent tendencies are something I’m concerned about, it would be nice to have some elaboration on them even though in kid form he may be good to go.
“It's a good thing you're a purpleblood, as some of the accidents you've had through the sweeps would likely have killed a weaker troll.”
Purplebloods aren’t naturally any stronger than trolls of lower blood colors in Hivestuck canon, so I’m not sure where you’re getting this. I do really like how his accidents have lead to his determination and durability though! That’s a very good cause and effect reasoning for personality traits.
“But you suppose it's aloft and part of your blood to be violent.”
“You are pretty religious generally, but especially when you're crazy.”
Alright, soooo. Fletch’s violence. I’m not against violent trolls or trolls with violent outbursts in the shop (hell, I own one), but relying on his blood color to justify his violence is an issue and calls back to his similarities to Gamzee – especially “moments of craziness”. It’s an uncomfortable trope, simply put. While it may be true that overall highbloods are encouraged to be more violent and are therefore more likely to have a naturally aggressive disposition, he should have unique, character-driven reasons for acting the way he does. I’d like you to elaborate on this. If you come up with reasons specific to Fletch, he’ll read less like a Gamzee-inspired fan troll and more like his own character.
I want to clarify this because it’s a bit confusing to me: when he comes down from his wild and violent moods, he feels “all kinds of sorry to their friends”. At first I read this as his OWN friends, but then I realize he was talking about the friends of his victims. Regardless, he seems to feel sorrow for the victims. Then after, he uses his victims to paint with? Is it that he doesn’t REALLY care or that he has a sense of guilt and using his painting to compensate? I’m curious about what he thinks about himself outside of his murder fits, because it’s not currently lining up all the way. Later there’s a struck out section that says he’d rather pity (or not) “a brother bleeding out actually wait no then you’d paint with him” and that seriously implies that he lacks empathy. I don’t know what you’re going for here.
If you get 1 color per troll, so 1 victim per color and you’re using them to make glorious landscapes and such, it seems like you’d need a LOT of bodies, even if you could keep the blood from spoiling/drying. This section in particular seems to still imply he’s older because of his painting prowess and number of victims, but overall mechanically it may be an issue considering the limit on killing other trolls (even as a purpleblood). Frossa is a troll who also kills other trolls, but in terms of, um… Practicality, Fletch is a bit more involved.
Duh, Sypon, this section seems to imply he’s older because it’s his teen application. In his younger years, Fletch uses grub paint, which is fine. I imagine he could, once he gets older, use a mixture of both. Still consider this, though. My thoughts concerning his use of troll bodies and empathy should echo in his kid application, and currently it doesn't seem like he'd jump from "I have tendencies that say blood is good" to murder and the scenarios therein.
H-okay! Now we’re getting into the part where Fletch is not feeling violent. I like the idea that he has pale flings, but this section does need some clarity. I see:
- Is nice
- Likes to make new friends
- Enjoys pity and pale flings
- Doesn’t like to get too committed
But then later you say he doesn’t socialize much, and is lonely. This seems contradictory to what you mentioned before. Even if he prefers not to get to attached to people, you mentioned that he LIKES making new friends and being a pale meddler.
This reads fine in his kid form, but is something to think about.
Lastly, what does he think about the hemospectrum? <- Still relevant.
Strengths/Flaws: Better here; thanks for adding in personality flaws as well as physical.
“However, as a purpleblood you're really quite unstable on the whole emotion front, so you can be really impulsive and irrational.”
“Violence runs in your blood, and often pops out at unwanted times.”
This is a big part of what bothers me about Fletch’s instability/outbursts. It discounts the source material and the development of other trolls in the shop to imply that these traits are firmly a part of his caste—specifically in the extremely specific ways that Fletch experiences them. Pinning a huge part of his personality on traits that other purplebloods generally don’t experience as fully or dramatically makes it seem like you’re not thinking about why as a character he acts violent, but using it as an excuse to have him go into “crazy mode” because “that’s the way purplebloods” are. <- This is particularly important to the crit.
“Some day, you'll regret the fact that your lusus never tried to teach you out of them, instead patiently waiting for the tantrum to pass before soothing you with chirps and fish.”
^ I appreciate this. THIS is getting into more of the psych of why Fletch is the way he is.Overall, Fletch’s kid profile is pretty solid. As I’ve reiterated many times before in this crit, your biggest obstacle now is Fletch’s violence and making it a realistic shift for his character when he becomes a teen. I suggest departing from the idea that it comes entirely from his blood: I know you can do better than that! You’ll push him to the next level if you think about how he is the way he is – and will be. My suggestion is (if you're going to keep working on both applications) to fix up his teen application and incorporate it into his kid app. If you're not going to return to the teen application, then I would suggest adding more elaboration into his kid stage referring to how his violence may stem and grow, making a clear pathway for who he becomes as a teen. This could be as an addendum, but should also be implied in his personality so we can get an inkling of how he grows.
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Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 1:06 pm
Fletch is reading great! Reading through his profile again, you've made some awesome changes. I've only got one note here now that his personality is looking solid!
I'm interested to know what, specifically, Fletch thinks of the hemospectrum. I really like the fact that his painting contributes to a love of trolls, and you mention that he tries to be nice to everyone "even if they're low on the spectrum". Does he think differently about trolls who are lowblooded than highblooded? He gets plenty of privileges because of his blood in more populated areas, so how he reacts would be a great insight to him. I also noticed you have this statement: "In Fletch's view if you can't get to what you want, you don't deserve it" which is really interesting to me, too. Does this apply to the hemospectrum too? (ie: if a lowblood is unable to gain rank they haven't worked hard enough to achieve it)
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Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 9:56 am
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Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2016 10:14 pm
Hello Kyle! Green here! It's been some time since Fletch was previously accepted (minus his mutant status), and while he's looking fantastic, a fresh look did turn up some things that might have slipped through before. It's nothing game-changing, and I promise it's not as long as it looks. Hopefully all my notes should be quick fixes. And... if you're ready to roll then... here we go! - - - “Unlike most wrigglers, who do many different types of things and drop them just as fast, Fletch grabs onto a few things with a tenacious toothy terror.”Just a quick thing here, but be careful not to make assumptions about other characters. - - - “More of a religion than an interest, technically, Fletch is hugely into the circus, and has snuck out (with toothdad no more than a few metres behind) past curfew to catch the tail-end of meetups more than once, even though he's too little to go.”You mention that it's more of a religion than an interest but I'd love to see a little more on that. How has the dark carnival touched him spiritually? What mantras stir his pump biscuit? This needs a tiny bit of expansion. - - - “In terms of the hemospectrum, Fletch doesn't really care about blood colour so much as how dedicated you are to whatever cause you believe in, how hard you try to achieve the things you want. However, schoolfeeding and society itself has taught him that highbloods are naturally superior, so he still sees lowbloods as inferior.”Don't forget to include a blurb on those higher blooded than himself, especially since he values dedication over blood colour. - - - One thing I noticed throughout Fletch's profile, was an inconsistency in how he feels towards other trolls. You say he's kind towards others, but at the same time he's not really interested in keeping their company. For the most part, you say that he is more friendly than not, so I would probably stick with that to keep changes to a minimum. - - - Two of the strengths you have listed are physical traits. Hivestuck focuses on personality traits. I'd review those and see if you can either rework them or come up with something else. (Resilient is on the cusp of being a personality trait, and while I think you could easily make it into one, it already reads similarly to Fletch's “Determined” trait.) - - - “Annoying” is a subjective term. I would consider renaming this! - - - “Emotionally Unstable” is great trait, but I'm also interested in what kinds of things set him off. This something you don't need a whole lot on, but I'd love to see a little bit referencing it in the app. It seems like a driving force to his character. - - - “He bounces about a lot sure, and needs to investigate everything and can never stay still, but he ain't an angry little dude, not at all.“
“He gets real angry sometimes, though.”In regards to his lusus, again you have some contradictory information. Is he slow to anger, but like a hurricane when he breaks? This could just use a little bit of clarification. - - - Finally, the big one: how does Fletch feel regarding his own mutation? Does he see it as a limitation? A source of pride? This is probably the most important note here, considering Fletch's new status as a mutant! Take care of those things and I think you're pretty much good to go. Live Fletch. Liiiiive!
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Posted: Thu Apr 07, 2016 2:39 pm
Hello Kyle! Green here!
It's been some time since Fletch was previously accepted (minus his mutant status), and while he's looking fantastic, a fresh look did turn up some things that might have slipped through before. It's nothing game-changing, and I promise it's not as long as it looks. Hopefully all my notes should be quick fixes.
And... if you're ready to roll then... here we go!
- - -
“Unlike most wrigglers, who do many different types of things and drop them just as fast, Fletch grabs onto a few things with a tenacious toothy terror.”
Just a quick thing here, but be careful not to make assumptions about other characters.
Changed it to 'some' wrigglers! Good catch, Green, thanks for that~
- - -
“More of a religion than an interest, technically, Fletch is hugely into the circus, and has snuck out (with toothdad no more than a few metres behind) past curfew to catch the tail-end of meetups more than once, even though he's too little to go.”
You mention that it's more of a religion than an interest but I'd love to see a little more on that. How has the dark carnival touched him spiritually? What mantras stir his pump biscuit? This needs a tiny bit of expansion.
Added a paragraph about it!
- - -
“In terms of the hemospectrum, Fletch doesn't really care about blood colour so much as how dedicated you are to whatever cause you believe in, how hard you try to achieve the things you want. However, schoolfeeding and society itself has taught him that highbloods are naturally superior, so he still sees lowbloods as inferior.”
Don't forget to include a blurb on those higher blooded than himself, especially since he values dedication over blood colour.
Added!
- - -
One thing I noticed throughout Fletch's profile, was an inconsistency in how he feels towards other trolls. You say he's kind towards others, but at the same time he's not really interested in keeping their company. For the most part, you say that he is more friendly than not, so I would probably stick with that to keep changes to a minimum.
I think I've edited this, and I added a paragraph!
- - -
Two of the strengths you have listed are physical traits. Hivestuck focuses on personality traits. I'd review those and see if you can either rework them or come up with something else. (Resilient is on the cusp of being a personality trait, and while I think you could easily make it into one, it already reads similarly to Fletch's “Determined” trait.)
Exchanged Acrobatic for Inventive, combined resilient with determined and replaced it with Honest.
- - -
“Annoying” is a subjective term. I would consider renaming this!
I...have no idea what to rename this. Any suggestions? 8D;;
- - -
“Emotionally Unstable” is great trait, but I'm also interested in what kinds of things set him off. This something you don't need a whole lot on, but I'd love to see a little bit referencing it in the app. It seems like a driving force to his character.
Added!
- - -
“He bounces about a lot sure, and needs to investigate everything and can never stay still, but he ain't an angry little dude, not at all.“
“He gets real angry sometimes, though.”
In regards to his lusus, again you have some contradictory information. Is he slow to anger, but like a hurricane when he breaks? This could just use a little bit of clarification.
Yeah, that's what I was going for, haha! Let me make that clearer.
- - -
Finally, the big one: how does Fletch feel regarding his own mutation? Does he see it as a limitation? A source of pride? This is probably the most important note here, considering Fletch's new status as a mutant!
Take care of those things and I think you're pretty much good to go. Live Fletch. Liiiiive!
Added!
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Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2016 4:43 pm
Fantastic work, Kyle! Fletch looks great! I think my only comments are to double check for spelling and grammar and address his first flaw.
I would probably go with "Intimate" or "Absent-Minded". It sort of looks like you have two wrapped together in that one, so maybe take one half and just slip it into his personality section. Otherwise, I think he looks good to go!
ouob
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Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2016 2:59 am
I think everything is done, but if you see any errors please let me know!
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Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2016 8:50 pm
*holds the acceptance stamp up to the heavens beneath a beam of light*
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