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 Posted: Tue May 29, 2012 9:36 pm
"No!" Chris quickly denied, looking up at Paris, brows furrowed in concern, although it was followed by a pause, and then, "I... I don't know." What did he want? He didn't even know, did he? He knew he wanted Paris to be happy, but he was scared by how much Paris cared for him. It was... intimidating, almost. To know that someone cared so much for you and have nothing to offer in return.
"I don't know what I want, Paris," he admitted out loud, quickly reaching out to grab onto one of his boyfriend's hands before he had the chance to pull away and escape. He didn't want Paris to run from him, although he was sure he was making him feel trapped now. "I like you... I really do. I just... I think I need to be more independent. God, that sounds like such bullshit, but I don't know how else to explain what's bothering me! I never know how you're feeling... I don't think I know you sometimes... At least not when you're forcing me to not know you... You can get so upset, but you'll hide it. You think I don't know, or you hope I don't know, but sometimes... I think I do. And I don't know how to make you happy, and I've only ever been with, like... three people ever. You're way more experienced than I am! I mean, it's not that I'm thinking of anyone else! I haven't met anyone else, and I certainly haven't been looking! I just..."
He stopped and clenched his teeth together, wondering if he was just making this worse and worse. He wasn't qualified for this. He wasn't ready to be loved. He wasn't ready to be that needed.
"Are you still making yourself sick from running?" he suddenly asked, not really sure where he was going with that, but since the doorman hadn't seen Paris behaving as if he were ill (just a smile and wave), Chris wondered if there was a possibility that Paris was finding a way to get around it, especially after being called out the last time.
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Posted: Tue May 29, 2012 9:58 pm
His first reaction was to immediately deny the suspicion, but Paris managed to hold himself back and let it hang there for a few moments instead. He knew a quick denial would look like nothing more than a cover, and he’d put too much effort into concealing his activities so as not to make certain people worry to ruin it all now.
Finally he was able to shift his eyes back over to his boyfriend, and he flipped his hand around in Chris’s grasp to press their palms together and interlock their fingers. It hurt to look at him, but he could see Chris’s confusion and concern, enough to know that this wasn’t easy for Chris either. He believed even now that Chris didn’t intend to hurt him. He even believed Chris when he said he cared, when he claimed to like him, though Paris would be lying if he said that was enough.
It wasn’t enough, but it wasn’t like he could do anything about it.
“Don’t change the subject,” he gently chided, wracking his brain to come up with some sort of a solution. “That’s not what this is about. Work on fixing this problem before worrying about anything else.”
He thought he did a good job of keeping his voice calm and level. He didn’t feel calm on the inside, but if he could at least project a sense of it on the outside, maybe they could get through this without hurling accusations and devolving into something so much worse.
“I can move out,” he said again, “and we can… we can try something different… if it’ll help. I don’t know what you think I expect from you, but… I’ve never felt like you’re being unfair to me, or like our relationship is… unbalanced or lopsided or whatever you think is wrong with it. If you want, we can slow down. And… I mean… if you wanted to see other people while we’re…”
He didn’t want to finish that thought. It seemed like too much. He felt like he was giving up too much, like he should be fighting harder or doing something to keep Chris as close as he was now, but he didn’t know how he was supposed to do that when all he’d done so far was make Chris feel cornered and stuck.
“If you wanted to see other people during all this,” he forced himself to finish, “if that’s what it takes for you to figure things out, then… then I think that’s okay… for now…”
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Posted: Tue May 29, 2012 10:15 pm
Chris wasn't sure how he liked that answer. It wasn't really an answer at all, but just like his question on whether or not Paris loved him, it was avoided and shifted to something else.
Did he have something to worry about...? He was pretty sure he knew the answer to his first avoided question, but... he hoped he wasn't right about the second.
"Paris..." he said softly, almost as if to beg. Chris couldn't stand seeing his boyfriend like this. He couldn't bear the thought that Paris was lying to him, hiding things from him. They'd promised each other to stop the lies, especially when it was something important. And while he wanted to trust that Paris was telling him the truth and everything was okay, he felt as though he were missing something important...
But Paris successfully distracted him for the time being. Chris stared at him in surprise at his suggestion, not really sure what to think of it. "Like... an open relationship...?" He wasn't sure how he liked the sound of that. While he wanted to explore his options before deciding on something when he was still so young, he would admit to being a hypocrite and not being all that thrilled of the idea of Paris being with anyone else. Selfish he was, and he wouldn't deny it.
Still... the fact that Paris seemed to be willing to work on things... to let him have his space... Chris could feel the relief wash over him.
"I mean... I don't want you to be uncomfortable about this," he frowned, not wanting to seem insensitive by showing any relief just yet, but he also really did want to know that Paris was going to be okay. "Like... You'd still be my boyfriend, right...? I don't... I don't want that to change..."
God, he had no idea what he wanted, did he?
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Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 11:47 am
Paris couldn’t say he was any more thrilled by the idea of Chris seeing other people than Chris would be if witnessing the same the other way around, but when he took into account all the things Chris had already said, Paris was afraid he’d only make things worse by not opening up their relationship more and loosening the strings. He didn’t want to lose Chris to someone else, but he didn’t want to lose Chris because of his selfishness or possessiveness either.
He had no intention of seeing other people himself. It was bad enough that Chris seemed to take to the idea. How were they supposed to keep anything together if they both went off seeing whomever? All Paris wanted was to show that he was willing to give Chris a little more freedom, that he was willing to try to work this out with him. If it happened that Chris saw someone else, it was likely that Paris would try to pretend like it wasn’t happening.
So long as he didn’t have to physically see it, he was sure he could manage.
“If you still want to date then we’ll still date, too,” Paris said. He kept his hand locked with Chris’s and did his best to continue looking at him as he spoke. “I still want to. I… I don’t… I mean, nothing’s bothered be about how things have been going, but if you’re not sure about it then… we’ll work on things until you are.”
This was so stupid. Of all the stupid things he’d ever done, Paris was pretty sure this ranked somewhere in the top five, right below making Chris believe he was a girl for nearly five months.
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Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 12:05 pm
"Yeah... I wouldn't mind still dating. I just..." He needed to get some perspective or something. He needed to take a step back and decide what he really wanted to do. He liked Paris, of course, but was he ready to be loved? They were just kids...
"Hey..." he said softly, wanting to make sure he had Paris's attention. "Are you going to be okay...?" That was kind of a stupid question and Chris knew it right away. He gave Paris's hand a gentle squeeze, hoping that would distract him from any distress he was feeling. "Like... I do still want to be with you... I just... need some time."
He was asking for too much, wasn't he? Paris's father had just died. He just needed someone to be with him. Chris was just... taking all of this and making it about himself. He didn't feel very good about it, but he knew if he didn't find a way to take a breath, he would probably drown.
Even still, knowing he was a jerk didn't stop him from leaning in to press a kiss against Paris's head. Paris really did mean a lot to him. More than anyone had before, but... They were so young.
Not knowing if it was too much, he pulled away shortly after, lifting his free hand to brush at Paris's hair, hoping that the small gesture would be enough to keep him calm. "Thank you... for understanding," he said lamely, but not knowing how else to let his boyfriend know that he appreciated what he was doing for him.
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Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 1:17 pm
Chris wouldn’t mind… He wouldn’t mind if they still dated. Like it wasn’t even a big deal. Like it was more of an afterthought. Like Chris had more important things going on in his life.
And maybe he did. Saving the world was pretty important, though it wasn’t like Paris wasn’t in on that, too. School was important, and family, but Paris had always thought he was a part of that. Like he mattered, too. Like Chris needed this as much as Paris needed this, like it wasn’t so easy to move apart and break away and find something new.
It wasn’t for Paris. He hoped it wasn’t for Chris. He hoped all the thoughtless, borderline insensitive things that were coming out of Chris’s mouth were only because he was afraid and uncomfortable and didn’t know what to do about this any more than Paris did. He hoped all of this would blow over and they could get back on track somehow, and none of it would even matter months from now because they’d be together again, like they should be, and Chris wouldn’t be so confused anymore.
He was being too hopeful, he knew. He was getting ahead of himself again, looking forward to things that might not even happen, trying to reassure himself with the sort of hopes and dreams he couldn’t bring into being on his own. He needed Chris to want it, too. He needed Chris to want him and need him and… and love him… because this… right now… this wasn’t enough. Wanting so much and letting it slip away… it was almost like standing in the middle of a hallway watching his father disappear.
He squeezed back when Chris’s grasp tightened on his hand, sat there and let Chris kiss his forehead, and Paris thought he could feel his defenses growing thin, too thin to hold everything back for much longer.
“I’ll be fine,” he said when Chris inevitably pulled away. Paris tried to smile, tried to make his lips work right and curve up like he meant what he said, but he felt a bit numb and couldn’t be sure it looked like he wanted it to. “I’ll just… I think I’m gonna take a shower, and then I’ll call your mom and talk to her and… start packing some of my things…”
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Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 5:44 pm
"You don't..." Chris started, but quickly clamped his mouth around the rest of the words, successfully cutting himself off of insensitively suggesting that Paris didn't actually have to leave that night. As if having Paris stay one more night after agreeing to him moving out would somehow relieve some of the new found guilt that was building up inside.
Paris was too accommodating for him. Chris knew he was lucky that his boyfriend put him before his own wants and needs... And yet he was still wrapped up around the fact that he didn't think he was ready. How could he be? Only a year ago he found out that he wasn't a normal teenage boy, more so than he already wasn't due to his family's social status. It was just all too much, was too fast.
Instead, Chris took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, nodding lightly to Paris when he said he'd shower. "Okay," he said, giving Paris's hand one more squeeze before finally letting go. He could feel his heart sinking in his chest, knowing that he'd hurt Paris regardless of his intentions. It shouldn't be like this. Taking a break should be more of a relief than this.
"Let me know if you need anything," he said anyway, not able to just... let Paris think that he didn't care at all. But... he seemed to be taking it all mug better than he first expected him to. He wished Paris would let him know how he was really feeling... If everything really was okay or not... but Paris always kept to himself too much.
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Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 6:29 pm
Paris forced another smile that probably looked too bland and emotionless. He sat there for a few more seconds, long enough to hopefully make Chris think he was really okay—or as okay as he could be under the circumstances—then let go of Chris’s hand to stand up and make his way to the bathroom.
He went slowly, not wanting to give Chris even more of a reason to worry about how he was fairing. He took the stairs up into the loft one at a time, crossed through the bedroom area, and shut the bathroom door behind him. He leaned back against it, listening for any sign of activity downstairs, making sure Chris hadn’t followed him.
Paris didn’t want the company. He wanted to be alone. He would have left the minute the conversation was over if it wouldn’t have looked bad and given him away.
His breathing quickly became erratic now that he could let himself feel, and his eyes grew hot and wet and blurry. Paris stumbled to the shower to turn it on so as to mask any other sound with the spray of water before his chest heaved and the first stifled sob made its way out of his tight and aching throat. He stepped back and didn’t enter the shower right away, but wobbled over to the counter to grab onto it and use it as support as the first sob led to a second, then a third, then a fourth.
He wept unrestrainedly, too hurt and too upset to even try to hold it in anymore.
Why was this happening?
What did he have to do for something to go right?
He used to think this was perfect, that his relationship with Chris was the most stable part of his entire life. Now he felt as if it were all falling down around him, and he didn’t know that he could hold all the pieces together for much longer.
“You’re so stupid,” Paris cried, sinking to his knees.
He didn’t know if it was meant for Chris or himself.
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