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 Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 9:37 pm
The look on Rep's face made Jordan feel like an a*****e the moment the question was out of his mouth; Harrison's question made it worse and didn't much clarify anything. "s**t, I'm sorry, dude," he said when Rep's halting answer was done. "That wasn't fair."
He rubbed his hands over his face, trying to figure out what he could say or do. What he even wanted. He didn't want to choose; the thought had more layers and implications than he was quite prepared to examine. He'd woken up between them, warm and comfortable and content, and now the tension was strained to the snapping point, sharp and painful.
"I don't want to lose either of you," he admitted.
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 10:22 pm
Harrison had been ready for an affirmative. And when it came, he tried not to let his expression flinch. He could do the math, and...and <********>, the idea that these guys had wanted each other the whole time and that he was just...he didn't know. Practice? Worse than that. In the way?
When he thought about it, he didn't think about the sex, he thought about Jordan holding his hand in the tent. It made him feel sick. Different from the bugs. Why had he even bothered?
The succession of thoughts was so rapid he barely heard the But...
He did, however, hear the It was you too, and Jordan's quiet affirmation.
And what could he say?
"I...I didn't even know what I was going to tell you. If we made it out of this. And I'm starting to think - I mean, they got a plan this time, so maybe...maybe we will, but," Harrison pushed his hand back through his hair. "When I got here, Candace hit it off with Jerry pretty fast- she was all excited about it, and all I could think was somebody was going to end up in the graveyard. I didn't want to...put myself in a position where I was going to end up a wreck. And maybe I shouldn't have... I don't know. I'm already a wreck, and...s**t. Neither of you are even dead."
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 10:46 pm
Rep listened intently, but he had no idea what to say. He didn't want to lose either of them, ******** god how he didn't want to lose either of them, to death or to his own stupidity in starting this whole mess. He was so prone to turn situations in on himself but this time he really did feel he was the one at fault. He'd made everything horribly messy and complicated, something that could have been touching. They'd looked happy on the fields back at the island, happy even. And he had to go and make it about him. And he didn't even know if he was gay in the first ******** place, he didn't even know what it meant to be. All he'd ever heard was the grossly exaggerated stereotypes and falsities.
As Harrison spoke up he felt the claws of self loathing sink even deeper. He'd managed to hurt Jordan so far with landing all of this on his plate, on top of everything else, but till this point he had no idea how much he seemed to have gotten to Harrison too. And he sympathised. He didn't want to be here in this place. If he had his way he'd still be so sure he was alone, sure he was straight, sure of everything. But you didn't get a say in anything when it came to matters like this he guessed, you could know people were going to die, you could tell yourself not to get attached.
And then some b*****d would come along and ruin the best laid plans. In his case it had been two. And he couldn't even resent anyone but himself for it.
Words were so much harder than thoughts. They always had been for him. Words had to get past that barrier of prejudice, of fear and pride.
"I'm.. listen. I know I've, said it before and s**t. But I'm sorry. I am. I want to be like. I wanted to be able to be distant and cold and manly and all that s**t I go on and on about. I owed it to everyone to be that way. Because yeah, anyone could die tomorrow. Because s**t like this is a vulnerability, for everyone." Maybe a strength, but he wasn't even sure of that, it'd only almost killed people so far. "I mean." he actually had to stop for a moment, looking away, trying to deal with the lifetime of abuse and tirades against what he was still trying to come to terms with. "I don't even ******** know if I am or if I'm not." He couldn't even say the WORD.
He looked at the snow, remembering himself how comfortable and safe he'd felt. That thrill at not just being kicked aside when Harrison showed up but allowed to stay. "I don't want to lose either of you either. But like. I didn't want to hurt either of you and still ******** don't."
He looked between them both fleetingly. "But if it reverses any of this complication. I can walk away." It'd be the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, walk away never knowing, never knowing anything. But he was prepared to do it, prepared to put up those walls if he had to and never lower them again if it was the only option left. It felt like his only option. Where he'd come from you didn't share, and you were a fool to think other people would either.
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 11:10 pm
"Not being dead is a good start, I hope," Jordan said, his mind rapidly turning over what all of them had said so far, what they'd not said. He hesitated, then added, "But. Sun division, going to have to be good at it and lucky both to make it past a few years. I'd - however much time there's left - I had a lot of being alone, I'd rather have - something, anyway." He swallowed hard. "Maybe I'm an idiot."
None of them had meant to hurt the others, so why the hell were they all hurting now?
I don't get it, Ferros said curiously. Why is it complicated? Do they not want each other? You shared sleeping already.
"Wha - " Jordan snapped his mouth shut and felt himself turning bright red. Ferros, that's not funny.
I'm not being funny. The dragon sounded surprised.
Humans don't - don't usually do that!
Why not?
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 11:21 pm
The moping melted away into irritation as Rep suggested high-tailing it and Jordan said he preferred the pile of feelings. "I'd rather not. But it looks like I ******** do anyway. ...And don't think you can get out of this either shithead, you're about as responsible as anybody else."
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 11:29 pm
He shook his head at Jordan. No, he wasn't an idiot. He knew the feeling. Twenty five years of unfulfilling solitude and no small amount of alcohol and regret and he was more than ready to have /something/. Anything rather than lose this. Just that nap. Such a small thing, had made him ready to face anything they might run into out here.
"I would rather have something myself. I don't know what that something is. But I want it. I just figured I had to put out there that if anyone has to leave, it should be me." He would settle for scraps if it was better than nothing.
Harrison though got a much more on form Rep glare, but a smirk aswell. "Well I could be ******** blaming both of you for being too desirable and saying I'm not responsible. Would that make you happier?"
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 11:34 pm
Well, that was interesting. "Blaming both of us?" Jordan asked.
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 11:44 pm
"Well okay, granted, we are all," Harrison made a circular gesture with his finger that indicated the three of them, "pretty much the best looking guys in camp. So maybe nobody's to blame exactly, but what we've got here is maybe less a case of miscommunication and more a tragic case of equal responsibility."
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 11:50 pm
Rep went red again. Something he'd been doing an irritating amount since they'd left the island. He gave Jordan a nonplussed look. "Yes. You too. You don't get off with being ******** Jordan as you are." It was the only word he could think of to cover.
A proper smirk crept onto his features as he looked Harrison over with a smirk. "And aye. Tragic awrite."
"But what's really tragic I think is that we need to do /anything/ about this s**t." he looked away innocently.
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 11:53 pm
A slow, wide, evil smirk made its way onto Jordan's face. Maybe Ferros had a decent idea after all. "You said you don't know," he said thoughtfully, "if you're interested or not. You could kiss him and see if it does anything for you."
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Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2012 12:18 am
"...What?" Harrison seemed thrown off by the suggestion, but recovered, "In the middle of camp?" He looked fleetingly at Rep, "He's chickenshit."
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Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2012 12:23 am
He spent a good while just staring at Jordan, as if his ears would maybe correct their grave error and apologise for having the sun hunter tell him to kiss Harrison. But no, that was what he'd heard. He was in the middle of scrabbling for an excuse when the moon seemed to give him a way out.
"Yes, middle of camp- wait NO. I'm not chickenshit." he narrowed his eyes. "Sounds more to me like you are chickenshit, Ace."
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Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2012 12:37 am
"The ******** I am," Harrison said, "I could if I wanted. You probably couldn't even manage a hug."
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Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2012 12:52 am
Oh that really did sound like a ******** challenge. A real challenge too. It'd have been easier for him to arm wrestle a yeti right ******** then and there rather than hug in the open. Rather than hug at all. He was always so ******** awkward with hugs. Inexperienced and clumsy. But there was no way he was going to show that kind of weakness in front of Harrison. Jordan maybe. Harrison nope.
"Bullshiiit." he smirked again toothily. "All talk." He knew he wasn't. He had the replayed memories to prove it. But he didn't care, this was all part of the game. "Come say that to my face." he beckoned lazily.
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Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2012 5:29 am
"Alright, I will," Harrison said, looking to the left, and then to the right, as he stepped toe-to-toe with Rep. "Doesn't even matter where I say it." He smirked, looking up at him. "Because he dared you to kiss me and you. Are. Chicken. s**t."
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